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End of Diplomacy



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Thu Mar 30, 2006 7:26 am
Jiggity says...



On a busy commercial street there was a shop. It was tucked away between larger buildings, secluded and dark. Out of the flow of commuters, stepped a tall man in a dark suit, directly in front of the shop called TRINKETS AND TREASURES. Unlike the other businesses, none entered this place. He stepped forward, heralded by a small tinkle above the door.

Immediately he was overcome by stale, dusty air. All about him there were all manner of oddities: model aircraft, figurines of dragons, wizards…truly it was aptly named. His son would have loved it, he thought, smiling sadly. Behind the counter, a lanky, be-speckled teen looked up from the comic he was reading. His smile of welcome was replaced with a look of horror as he saw the man before him. He shot upwards, upending his chair with a crash and scattering objects everywhere.

“You couldn’t…couldn’t possibly” he stuttered “Couldn’t be, you couldn’t know…”

“I’m sorry Comrade”, the tall man said softly, in a husky Russian accent. He pulled out a sleek pistol, with suppressor already attached. Seeing his intent, the boy tried to run out a back exit, but made it only to the doorway. A soft sound, then the boy crashed onto the floor, a small red stain already spreading down the side of his face.

The man closed his eyes softly, “Target acquired”, he whispered. Tucking the gun away, he walked over to the exit. Taking out some tissues with his gloved hands, he gently wiped the blood spatter and brain matter away. When done he placed the bloodied tissues in a plastic bag, then turned to set about returning the desk to its natural state. Switching on the computer, he quickly accessed and activated the meltdown process. Every hacker had one; it would destroy all files, encoded or otherwise. He took one last look around, noting the dusty stairway in the corner, but seeing nothing untoward. Satisfied that his Mission was completed, he turned to leave and that’s when he heard it. A soft sound, a scuffle or sob that came from above. The assassin froze then swore softly in his native Russian; someone else was here, a possible witness. Stalking forward softly, he glided towards the stairs, walking up them on silent feet. He stopped at the top and looked around carefully. There were three rooms branching off from where he stood, one on either side of him and another directly ahead. In between them all were uncarpeted floorboards.

The man walked slowly towards the room ahead, making the floorboards creak only slightly. He reached the door in mere moments, turned the handle and withdrew his gun in one smooth motion. Facing him, however, was nothing more threatening then a toilet. He was in the bathroom. Frowning slightly, he turned around and tried the door to the left of the stairs. It was locked.

“Open the door Comrade,” he called out. Hearing nothing in reply, he tried again “Please, do not make me hurt you, just open the door.”

“Y-y-you won’t hurt me?” A teenage voice stammered, after a moment’s silence. “I-I-I don’t want to die, man. Oh god I don’t want to die.”

“No one does Comrade, that I promise you, now please. Open the door” The man closed his eyes, hating to lie but knowing that it was necessary. A moment later, he heard scrambling noises, followed by footsteps, then the sound of a lock turning. The door creaked open, revealing a geek’s equivalent of wealth; signed and framed posters of superheroes plastered the walls like a second layer of paint. Stacks of comics lay every which way, covering the small bed, and figurines/bobble heads stood tall, silent sentinels amid this geek’s abode. But what caught his attention was the computer screen in the corner- its glow filled the small room.

Before he could see just what was on the screen, a head popped into sight from behind the door, obscuring his view. The boy was breathing shallowly, sweat beaded his brow and upper lip, and he held an asthma puffer in his hand. Tears leaked from red-rimmed eyes, he sniffled. “Come in dude.”

The man silently crossed the threshold.

“Look man, I-I- didn’t see anything I swear, so you don’t—’’

He cut off with a gulp as the Russian raised his gun and gently placed the tip to his head. “I’m going to ask you something, once and once only” he said softly “I know you saw what happened, but only one thing matters: did you tell anyone?” here he nodded in the direction of the computer. The boy’s eyes flicked to it in alarm, answering the question, then returned slowly to the man’s face.

He looked away then squeezed the trigger. A soft sound, the brother to the one emitted only moments ago, was followed by the body crumpling to the ground.

Blood and brain matter was everywhere; too much to clean quickly. He went swiftly to the computer and was just in time to see a message pop up:

Message sent to freaky_geek@hotmail.com

He swore viciously, then accessed the ‘freaky geek’s’ information: 17, 22 Wellard Pl, Moore Heights. This was a distraction he couldn‘t afford, time was running out…

He activated the Meltdown process, turned, and stepping over the dead boy left the room. As he was walking down the stairs he noticed a small plastic statue of an embattled dragon; rearing above some human invaders. It was $5.99. He took out the correct money, placed it on the desk and left as quietly as he had entered, dragon in tow.

He could have gone to his luxury BMW, but instead he walked the distance to a bus stop where a vehicle awaited. He paid his fare and sat down as the bus clunked and rattled to life. Some moments later, he reached into his breast pocket, and took out his most prized possession: a fragile photo. Gently, he thumbed it straight and gazed down at his smiling family. His little boy, still fascinated by wizards, his baby girl with burnished golden curls held in the beaming arms of his wife. He swallowed painfully around the lump in his throat. And there he stood, a dark menacing shadow, grinning feebly—spoiling an otherwise golden picture.

“Soon, soon I will have you free” He pledged “I swear it by God, I will have you free!”
Last edited by Jiggity on Tue May 02, 2006 4:59 am, edited 2 times in total.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Fri Mar 31, 2006 2:39 am
Torpid says...



DUHUDE! nifty, im intwigued...found wanting...KEEP TRUCKING
  





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Fri Mar 31, 2006 2:42 am
Torpid says...



I left but came back, lol. I got one more comment.

this story seemes original and too many stories arent anymore so keep up the good work.
  





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Fri Mar 31, 2006 3:40 am
Jiggity says...



Lol, thanks. Its always good to hear such things.

Comments are appreciated, so thanks again.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:03 pm
Poetriez says...



Thanks For orginality ive noiticed its been mentioned before I have started an oringinal story or i belive to be orriginal but i didnt know what to put it under but yah keep it up dont fall in the groove
  





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Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:42 pm
Lizzybethrae says...



That was good. Okay, so that was very good. It was original like everyone else has said.

You started off kind of weak, but it got better the farther you read. Your grammar, punctuation, and spelling is good, but could do with a small bit of improvement. Just piddly stuff. It didn't take away from the story though. Hopefully we'll get a bit more of a description of the main character later on. There wasn't much physical description which left a lot up to the reader. I hope we get some more background too.

Really good so far. Not great, but really good. :)

:D :D :D :)

3.5/5 smilies.
  





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Sat Apr 01, 2006 1:51 am
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Jiggity says...



Cool. Cheers ppl. I'll add on as soon as I can, Im all too busy lately. I wish I could just focus on my stories, but I cant at the moment. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for the comments, and please if you feel there is something that needs to be improved upon...dont hesitate to mention it.

Cheers,
~Jiggy
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Tue Apr 04, 2006 10:42 pm
Doctor Kitty says...



Ooh. Mysterious! :O

I liked it. Pretty original. Pretty decent "reader catcher" past the first few sentences. I'm curious as to why what happened happened. Write more. :P





=========================================================================
It was tucked away between larger buildings, secluded and dark. Out of the flow of commuters, stepped a tall man in a dark suit,

Comma splice.

Tucking the gun away, he walked over the exit. Taking out some tissues with his gloved hands, he gently wiped the blood spatter and brain matter away.

It may just be a pet peave of mine but two participial phrases in a row bothers me. :P

His Mission completed, he turned to leave. Noticing as he did so, a small plastic statue of an embattled dragon, rearing above some human invaders.

Personally, I found this a little strenuous. I personally think combining those sentences would work a little better.
Something like:
"His Mission was complete. As he turned to leave..." yada yada yada. You get the point. It makes the whole sentence a little less passive. Of course, there are many other ways to combine them, too...

He could have gone to his luxury BMW, but instead he walked the distance to a bus stop where a vehicle awaited. He paid his fare and sat down as the bus clunked and rattled to life.

I don't quite understand the point of the luxury BMW. Will its significance be explained later on?

Some moments later, he reached into his breast pocket, and took out his most prized possession: a fragile photo.

Comma splice.

Gently, he thumbed it straight and gazed down at his smiling family.

I know what you're trying to say, but it's a bit of a strange phrase. Although, I can't think of a better way to say it either. :P

And a few sentences needed commas at the end of quotes. Other than that, good job.

:idea: :idea: :idea:
Three smilies for you.
  





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Wed Apr 05, 2006 3:01 am
Jiggity says...



Awesome, thanks for your comments. I'll get to fixing those errors. As for the BMW/Bus thing, yes there are reasons for its existence, the primary one being that he is wealthy and yet opts instead to take a bus ride. There's another reason why he takes the bus but that'll be explained later.

Thanks again!
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Thu Apr 20, 2006 9:53 am
Myth says...



On a busy commercial street there was a shop. It was tucked away between larger buildings, secluded and dark. Out of the flow of commuters, stepped a tall man in a dark suit, directly in front of the shop called TRINKETS AND TREASURES. Unlike the other businesses, none entered this place. He stepped forward, heralded by a small tinkle above the door.


I like the beginning but it was a little clichéd.

The man closed his eyes softly, “Target acquired”, he whispered.


I was confused here, can you close your eyes 'softly' or is it meant to be 'slowly'?

His Mission completed, he turned to leave.


Does the 'm' in Mission supposed to be capitalised?

It was $5.99. He took out the correct money, placed it on the desk and left as quietly as he had entered, dragon in tow.


The great thing about this is I didn't expect a man like him (mercenary?) to actually do that, I'd have thought he'd take it without paying for it. Also I like the idea of him being a killer yet boy a toy for his kid, it shows although he may be a 'bad man' he still has love for his own son. (Or am I wrong there?)

This is really interesting, you've got me wandering why he went around killing people and do you plan to write more because this is really good.
  





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Thu Apr 20, 2006 11:43 pm
Jiggity says...



Yeah, the 'M' was meant to be capitalized. Thanks for your comments Doe and others. I personally think there isnt enough to it. As if he should have done more, what with being a professional and all. So, Ive added to it. Tell me if it's better or worse.

Thanks,
~Jiggy.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Fri Apr 21, 2006 2:25 am
Torpid says...



ADD MORE. PART 2! WHEN'S IT DUE?
  





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Sat Apr 22, 2006 4:02 am
Jiggity says...



I'll take it then, that you like this newer version, eh Torpy. Im not sure when I will post/write the next part, but it shouldnt be too long from now.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:01 am
Ego says...



On a busy commercial street there was a shop. It was tucked away between larger buildings, secluded and dark. Out of the flow of commuters, stepped a tall man in a dark suit, directly in front of the shop called TRINKETS AND TREASURES. Unlike the other businesses, none entered this place. He stepped forward, heralded by a small tinkle above the door.


Very nice intro, Jiggy. Nice use of both compound and simple sentences, good word choice, and an interesting way to bring us into it.

Immediately he was overcome by stale, dusty air. All about him there were all manner of oddities: model aircraft, figurines of dragons, wizards…truly it was aptly named. His son would have loved it, he thought, smiling sadly. Behind the counter, a lanky, be-speckled teen looked up from the comic he was reading. His smile of welcome was replaced with a look of horror as he saw the man before him. He shot upwards, upending his chair with a crash and scattering objects everywhere.


In the “all about him…” sentence, you use “All” twice, and I think that’s one too many, lol. You might want to find a different word there?

“You couldn’t…couldn’t possibly” he stuttered “Couldn’t be, you couldn’t know…”

“I’m sorry Comrade”, the tall man said softly, in a husky Russian accent. He pulled out a sleek pistol, with suppressor already attached. Seeing his intent, the boy tried to run out a back exit, but made it only to the doorway. A soft sound, then the boy crashed onto the floor, a small red stain already spreading down the side of his face.


The way you word the gun-wound, it sounds like he’s wearing a mask or something, because blood doesn’t really “spread” down skin…it more runs or drips, because it follows the contours of muscle…did that make sense? You might want to reconsider your word usage there. Very nice otherwise.

The man closed his eyes softly, “Target acquired”, he whispered. Tucking the gun away, he walked over to the exit. Taking out some tissues with his gloved hands, he gently wiped the blood spatter and brain matter away. When done he placed the bloodied tissues in a plastic bag, then turned to set about returning the desk to its natural state. Switching on the computer, he quickly accessed and activated the meltdown process. Every hacker had one; it would destroy all files, encoded or otherwise. He took one last look around, noting the dusty stairway in the corner, but seeing nothing untoward.


“Acquired”…that’s kind of an odd word to use here…maybe “exterminated?” “Terminated?” “Eliminated?” Acquired has a different meaning…it’s more like receiving or finding than killing…

Where is he wiping the blood from? His hands, his clothes, the boy? I wasn’t quite sure about that. If it’s on him…would the blood spatter reach him if the boy ran for the door?

“Open the door Comrade,” he called out. Hearing nothing in reply, he tried again “Please, do not make me hurt you, just open the door.”

“Y-y-you won’t hurt me?” A teenage voice stammered, after a moment’s silence. “I-I-I don’t want to die, man. Oh god I don’t want to die.”


Good dialogue--nice use of stammering, haha.

“No one does Comrade, that I promise you, now please. Open the door” The man closed his eyes, hating to lie but knowing that it was necessary. A moment later, he heard scrambling noises, followed by footsteps, then the sound of a lock turning. The door creaked open, revealing a geek’s equivalent of wealth; signed and framed posters of superheroes plastered the walls like a second layer of paint. Stacks of comics lay every which way, covering the small bed, and figurines/bobble heads stood tall, silent sentinels amid this geek’s abode. But what caught his attention was the computer screen in the corner- its glow filled the small room.


So far he has used the word “comrade every time he’s spoken. We’ve already established he has an accent…but they don’t use the word every time they speak, lol. You might want to eliminate a few of the “comrades” in his speech.


He looked away then squeezed the trigger. A soft sound, the brother to the one emitted only moments ago, was followed by the body crumpling to the ground.

Blood and brain matter was everywhere; too much too clean quickly. He went quickly to the computer and was just in time to see a message pop up:

Message sent to freaky_geek@hotmail.com


“too much too clean quickly,” should just be “too much to clean quickly.”

Interesting story, overall--eagerly awating more. We don’t have a name or a face to go with the protagonist, but it’s still early, and you can give that to us later, I suppose. Nice touch with the dragons, by the way. Added lots of life to the story, for some reason.

Well done so far Jiggy, keep it up.

--Dono
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Sat Apr 22, 2006 11:40 am
Myth says...



It's much better now that is has been edited and Phoenix has already gone through most of it so there are no errors that I can see. Write more!
  








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