Young Writers Society

Cool. Thanks for the comments...god I sound like a broken record. From now on it mus be assumed that I appreciate comments, which I do.

Phoenix, some good tips given and I'll take a look at those parts mentioned. As for the blood splatter: it was on the wall but I must not have mentioned that and I understand about the spreading stain thing.

Cheers,
Jiggy.

Anytime, pal--always a pleasure to read your stuff! I really should finish Shadow...I'll get to it eventually, I promise!

If you want me to crit anything else, hit me up with a PM and I'll get on it!

This is the next part, enjoy.

*******

As the bus took him to some unknown destination, he waited. He would be contacted soon; he merely had to wait patiently. The bus screeched to a halt, jerking him forward. The doors slammed open, and an old European looking dame stepped forward, burdened by shopping bags. “Apologies bus driver, I is being not as young as once was, yes” She said in a heavy accent, chuckling and breathing heavily at the same time.

He watched her with contempt.

She paid her fare then waddled forward slowly, wincing as the doors slammed behind her, loud as a gunshot. As the bus lurched back into motion, she staggered, coming to her knees right in front of him. A letter was slid across the seat then pocketed

“Is the mission completed?” She asked in Russian.

He hesitated.

“Well?”

“Yes.” He said curtly in their tongue “The inventors are dead and their secrets with them. One managed to send a message before I got to him. I go now to the recipient’s house.”

She absorbed this information for a moment, “We had not planned on you killing both of them, Piotr, for we had hoped to ply the other for information.” She sighed tiredly, looking every inch an old woman, rather then the highly skilled assassin-turned spymaster that she was. “Ah, perhaps you have done us a favour Piotr, and saved us from making a terrible mistake. Also, they were not inventors; they merely found what was once lost. They did not create it.”

Piotr shrugged, it didn’t matter either way to him. He appraised the woman for a moment, “Would you like some help, Old Mother?” he said, referring to her position.

She grimaced, “No, you buffoon. I would much rather kneel in pain, at your feet!” she said, voice laden with sarcasm. “Of course I would like your help”

He raised her forward, letting her sit beside him. As she rested, she noticed the photo he still clutched in his hand. Immediately the craggy, stern face softened, “Are those your—’’ she began, then sucked in a sudden breath as she felt a blade come to rest at her armpit. He leaned in, “If you say another word, if you ever speak of my family in my presence, I will kill you, old dame. It is not for the evil to speak of the good.”

She stiffened. “Apologies, Piotr. I meant no offence.” She breathed deeply, controlling her racing heart as the blade tip was removed. Then heaving her bulk up, she exclaimed in poor English, “Sank you young man, is much appreciated.” No one payed notice to her farce. Piotr hissed fiercely, “You can give the act a rest,” he was increasingly irked by her pretence.

She leaned forward, then planted a grandmotherly kiss on his forehead and whispered, in perfectly fluent English, “No, peter. I can’t.” And she smiled sadly, “It is all I have now.” With that, she turned and went to sit in another seat, an old European woman once more.

Some technical things:

1. Do not change tense. The story begins in the present tense, then switches to the past. Present could possibly work since it would make th story more intense. past is probably a safer bet.
2. Do not become wordy. When you use words that are too big or cumbersome it becomes particularly present. In action fiction especially you want your structure and sentence to reflect your mood. Your moood is tense and face-paced. Simple sentences and short words work better here, pushing the reader to the edge of every thought. You do want to break it up occassionally to give us a breath.

Other than those things, this was well done. You used imagery effectively and you showed the action rather than telling us it. For that particularly I commend you. There was once or twice you could have told us a little less, such as "in a voice laden with sarcasm", but that's up to your discretion. Nice work. I wanna see more!

Blood and brain matter was everywhere; too much too clean quickly. He went quickly to the computer and was just in time to see a message pop up:

The part I'd like to point out here is that you say "[...]too clean quickly. He went quickly [...]."

First off, "too" should be "to" as someone already pointed out. Then, having "quickly" in the first sentance and in the second is too redundant. Especially because in the first sentance it is towards the end, whereas in the second it is towards the beginning. Change one of them. Use a thesaurus if you can't think of a good substitute.

Thats about it.

Its kinda creepy, but extremely addictive. I like it.

yea, hes a russian! yeeeyeee!!

cool, not as good as the first but rock on!!!

Yes, thanks people. I fixed up that little "too quickly" thing earlier.

But again, Cheers.

Suspenseful...



Decent, could make a good story. Yes, a bit cliche'd at the very beginning. But some stories like to start that way, if you know what I mean.


I mostly liked the intro, but I just didn't like the first sentence.

On a busy commercial street there was a shop.

That just...seemed odd to me. I know what you were saying, that the shop was small and unnoticeable among the many other businesses on that street/in that city, but it's just a bit of a random way to say it to me.

Possibly, you could begin by describing the way people moved along that street, etc.

Okay then, your the first to mention that. Thanks though for the comment, tis always appreciated.