Dog waser in S.A running away from bear

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Mon Jun 13, 2011 1:48 pm

poodlepie says...

A dog washer in South Africa running away from a bear

There was once a dog washer in South Africa named Linda Liz. Linda was the best of her kind in her town, Soweto.
Linda loved to go on adventures with her best friend, Rocky during her free time so that is why they were in Kazuma forest on 30th June ,2011

"What was that?" asked Rocky in a scared tone.

"Oh do not be such a scaredy cat Rocky,"answered Linda teasingly.

"It could be a dog, wolf or bear for all you know".

You better go back if you are going to keep freaking like this all the way,"
"
"No, no am good"

So Rocky and Linda walked on deeper and deeper until they reached a small clearing. Rocky felt like something was following them but did not tell Linda for fear of going back alone.

"We can have our picnic here because am hungry," said Linda.
So the two of them put out the food and started eating when a big, brown, stinking bear jumped out of the bush and started moving towards them. Linda screamed and Rocky fainted.

Linda picked up her friend and ran like she had never run before. The bear also put up a good race and Rocky was getting heavier and heavier every second." I will never make it," thought Linda discouraged.

After what seemed like forever to Linda she finally saw the town and even better, the townspeople. They were all shocked to see a bear and were starting to run away. They intervened when they saw that the bear was going to eat Rocky and Linda, who was now completely drained of all her energy.

Rocky was taken to the hospital and she recovered very fast. Linda always made sure she listened to warnings then on because she surely was not in the mood for another headline that said: DOG WASHER IN SOUTH AFRICA RUNNING AWAY FROM BEAR.
Aida

Last edited by poodlepie on Tue Jun 21, 2011 1:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mon Jun 13, 2011 2:49 pm

Kirahh says...

Hello! I write my corrections in Bold.

A dog washer in South Africa running away from a bear

There was once a dog washer in South Africa named Linda Liz. Linda was the best of her kind in her town, Soweto.
Linda loved to go on adventures with her best friend I took out the comma here

Rocky during her free time so that is why they were in Kazuma forest on 30th June 2011 On the 30th of June, 2011 or June 30th, 2011

"What was that?" asked Rocky in a scared tone.

"Oh do not be such a scaredy cat Rocky,"answered Linda teasingly.

"It could be a dog, wolf or bear or all you know". Is it 'for all you know' what you're trying to say?

"You better go back if you are going to keep freaking like this all the way,"

"No, no am good"

So Rocky and Linda walked on deeper and deeper until they reached a small clearing. Rocky felt like something was following them but did not tell Linda for fear of going back alone.

"We can have our picnic here because I am am hungry," said Linda.
So the two of them put out the food and started eating when a big, brown, stinking bear jumped out of the bush and started moving towards them. Linda screamed and Rocky fainted. I couldn't help but laugh at this part

Linda picked up her friend and ran like she had never run before. The bear also put up a good race and Rocky was getting heavier and heavier every second.
"I will never make it," thought Linda discouraged.

After what seemed like forever to Linda she finally saw the town and even better, the townspeople. They were all shocked to see a bear and were starting to run away. They intervened when they saw that the bear was going to eat Rocky and Linda, who was now completely drained of all her energy.

Rocky was taken to the hospital and she recovered very fast. Linda always made sure she listened to warnings then on because she surely was not in the mood for another headline that said: DOG WASHER IN SOUTH AFRICA RUNNING AWAY FROM BEAR.
Aida

It was a good story. Amusing too.
Keep it up!

Kirah

"All the soarings of my mind begin in my blood." - Rilke

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Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:42 pm

snickerdooly says...

A dog washer in South Africa running away from a bear I think you should work on the intrduction and try to develop it more

There was once a dog washer in South Africa named Linda Liz. Linda was the best of her kind in her town, Soweto.

Linda loved to go on adventures with her best friend, Rocky during her free time so that is why they were in Kazuma forest on 30th June ,2011

"What was that?" asked Rocky in a scared tone.

"Oh do not be such a scaredy cat Rocky,"answered Linda teasingly.

"It could be a dog, wolf or bear for all you know."
You better go back if you are going to keep freaking like this all the way."

"No, no am good"

So Rocky and Linda walked on deeper and deeper until they reached a small clearing. Rocky felt like something was following them but did not tell Linda for fear of going back alone.

"We can have our picnic here because I'm hungry," said Linda.

So the two of them put out the food and started eating when a big, brown, stinking bear jumped out of the bush and started moving towards them. Linda screamed and Rocky fainted.

Linda picked up her friend and ran like she had never run before. The bear also put up a good race and Rocky was getting heavier and heavier every second." I will never make it," thought Linda discouraged. YOu don't need to have a space right after your quotation marks

After what seemed like forever to Linda she finally saw the town and even better, the townspeople. They were all shocked to see a bear and were starting to run away. They intervened when they saw that the bear was going to eat Rocky and Linda, who was now completely drained of all her energy.

Rocky was taken to the hospital and she recovered very fast. Linda always made sure she listened to warnings then on because she surely was not in the mood for another headline that said: DOG WASHER IN SOUTH AFRICA RUNNING AWAY FROM BEAR.

Okay overall I felt this story was very bland and it needs a lot of work in order to make it clever and funny, I could feel the humor you were trying to put into it but it was not able to be funny because the story was without imagery. I hate to sound rude but that's just what I've thought, I've had plenty of stories that didn't work out or weren't quite right so don't feel down just try to edit it and keep up the writing!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller

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Sat Jul 02, 2011 3:58 am

captain.classy says...

Hi there! Welcome to YWS!

Ahaha this story is so cute. It's one of those stories that you tell as a joke with your friends, trying to make up something entertaining.

Anywho, this isn't very long, therefore I'm not going to be able to write a long review on it. I think it's very good, however there is one thing that I would like to point out to you: this has no emotion. Since it is so short and really doesn't have that big of a plot, you should find some other way to make it, well, interesting. One way you could do that is to write with a bias. What does your narrator think about this? You should think about that with every story, and especially for this one.

So the two of them put out the food and started eating when a big, brown, stinking bear jumped out of the bush and started moving towards them. Linda screamed and Rocky fainted.

Here you use the word 'stinking' which I don't personally find appropriate for a story but what can you do! xD Anyways, the stinking used expresses the emotion of annoyance, possibly anger. I'd like to see more of these. Possibly be a little more subtle when doing it, since stinking just sounds like something a kid would say to their parents. But it's a good start! Try to make every sentence in your story a little more like this one!

Keep writing!

Classy

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Mon Jul 11, 2011 1:57 pm

poodlepie says...

thank u all for reviewing my stories.I will try add all your improvements but in another story that is coming soon.

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Dog waser in S.A running away from bear

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