Young Writers Society

I peer through my rectangular rims at the approaching colony. The black and white mass squawks a battle cry and surges forward, tumbling over the green shoots and roots that make up the jungle floor. I grab my dentistry tools and let the adrenaline take over, vaulting over the low vegetation. One penguin catapults itself towards me (since penguins can’t fly) and I take it out with my contra-angled probe. Though I am a female dentist, I am a fierce fighter.
“Take that, you beast!” I swing again at another bird with my sickle, “That’ll teach you to brush!” I keep at it, swinging all around. As I viciously fight, in the back of my mind I know I can’t hold forever. The largest penguin, definitely the leader of the pack, shrieks deafeningly. I look at him to find bloodlust in his eyes. As I strike another bird, the alpha-penguin bends down and wipes at the moss-covered ground like a bull.
Before he can start running, I split like a banana. There’s no way I’m sticking around for that. I’m already halfway up a tree before the mob actually realizes I left the battlefield. Dim-witted creatures, those birds are. They waddle towards the tree with all their might, hopping and snatching with their beaks.
I glare at the beasties, shaking my head with disappointment. They’re old enough to know that you should floss. That’s what got them into this mess. If they’d only been careful about their oral hygiene, then I wouldn’t have had to take them into this mad jungle. As I observe my enemies, my eye catches something in the reflection of my mouth mirror. I squint and lean forward, not realizing what’s behind me until it’s too late.
As I see the thing behind me prepare to pounce, I jump with fright and tumble out of the tree, landing square on top of the fluffy fiends below. I hear a thump beside me, and glance over to see a jaguar uprighting itself. It stretches its wide maw in what appears to be a grin. I close my eyes and prepare myself at it leaps, because I know what has to come next.
My face hits the jungle floor as the wind is knocked out of me. I scowl at the large cat. “Is that really necessary to do every time, McGuire? It’s not fun for me!” McGuire the jaguar lets out a friendly growl whipping his large tail back and forth. “So, does this mean you’re going to help me take care of the penguins?” McGuire answers with a roar as she pounces on an approaching penguin.
I stumble to get myself up and straighten myself, my mouth curling into a broad smile. We will fight, and we will win. That is the way of the Jungle Warriors. Whether it’s a concrete jungle or the jungles of Peru, we will prevail. We will never let the flightless birds win. It is our destiny as warriors to protect the world from falling into the hands of the despicable ostriches, emus, penguins, and some species of duck.
I prepare myself for battle but instead feel a sudden gust of wind on my face. My hair whips around, and I see through its tangles a helicopter. The ladder drops along with the platform for my jaguar friend. “Until next time, my friends,” I address the penguins, drawing up my arm in salute. I wave the penguins behind, not missing their adorable evilness. As we soar over the canopy of trees, I pull myself up into the copter.
Before I get fully settled beside McGuire in the back seat, I get the sinking feeling that something is terribly wrong. I furrow my brows, checking my surroundings. My stomach drops completely as I check to see who’s flying the vehicle. An ostrich cranes its neck around and leers at me, its beady eyes attempting to penetrate my defenses. I know I'm a human trying to fight an evil army of flightless birds and their protectors, but this is a little bit to weird for me. The ostrich leans back around the other pilot, who turns around.
I sneer. “Oh, Jay, aren’t you a little far from Savannah, Georgia?”
“Like you are one to talk, Catalina,” he retorts, those silver eyes that I had fallen in love with flashing. We would've had something special, if it weren't for the conflicting interests. I roll my eyes at his comment. As Jay starts going on about how we're being taken as prisoners to their base, I look around the helicopter. It seems my feather-friendly acquaintance is losing his touch. Three parachutes. Nice going, Jay.
Quietly, I start strapping one onto McGuire. Though it's invading his space a bit, I know he can't do it himself. Before I can finish the straps on my own, Jay turns around with a sneer on his face, which quickly fades. I buckle one last strap, chuckling, and open up the heavy door. I wave to both pilots and wrap my arms around the jaguar, pushing off of the helicopter with my feet. As the wind whooshes around us, I pull McGuire's shute for him. I yank on mine, but....nothing. I try desperately again and again. Then, knowing I must accept my fate...I am dying here today.
I'm too busy accepting this face that I don't notice the slow in acceleration. Gradually I start slowing down and begin to move up. An eerie green light blinds me. "Really, guys? Aliens?!"

Hi there!

xD was my initial reaction. This is so funny, but at the same time I know it has a serious side to it? Anyways, I assume that the character is an animal? If not then this is really funny. I kind of got the impression that your main character was some sort of tiger or lion, not really sure why. Probably because they're talking to a jaguar and battling penguins. With something like this you might not really need to specify what kind of thing your main character is, but if you'd like readers to know so it's more ironic and funny, you might want to point something out.

So the end was very anticlimactic, and I was very disappointed. You entertained me so much with this, and then when I got to the end I was like "A der? What just happened?" For one your character just jumps... I mean they jump out of a helicopter. I want to know what the heck happens to them! And second of all, they just leave their friend to be taken as a prisoner? That's not a very heroic character.

Speaking of not a herioc character, well, I'm not really sure what your character is at all. It's what we would call a very 'flat' character, or what my creative writing teacher would call it. xD Anyways, your character doesn't really seem to show emotion. If I had to jump out of a helicopter to save my life, I would be devastated, especially if I had to leave my friend! These are all things you have to think about when writing: what is my character like and how would they react to the situations they've been placed in?

What really helps me out is filling out character sheets. I figure out where they come from, what their life has been like, and how their personalities have changed. Sure it's easy to go with the typical no-emotions, kick butt main character like you've written here, but it's not realistic, and it's not interesting. Save that for the Angelina Jolie movies, please. I want to see some real human emotions in here, even if your characters aren't human. Character development is definitely one of the most important things, and you should know earlier than later, which is why I'm telling you. ^^

Overall, like I said before, this was very, very interesting. It kept me entertained right up till the end, where you came out with this random ostrich thing. Don't really understand why they're enemies with the birds, but that's what makes it funny, I guess? I think you've got one heck of a voice as a writer, and you could definitely write comedic stories. But remember, just because it's funny or ironic doesn't mean it doesn't have to be as in-depth as a dramatic story.

Keep writing,

Classy

Hahahaha:) Classy pretty much covered everything! That was very entertaining though, thank you!

I got to say, I half expected some sort of guerrilla/special forces mission in some jungle. I didn't expect the PenguinAttack. Though it was very funny, the battle scenes were a little difficult to follow. Just because the story isn't serious doesn't mean that we should treat the fight scenes any differently from a serious one. Indeed, treating it seriously would up the funny factor. Take this sentence for instance.

One penguin catapults itself towards me (since penguins can’t fly) and I take it out with my contra-angled probe.

I would separate them into two sentences. Your first sentence can describe the penguin catapulting at the protagonist, the second sentence can describe the way the protagonist kills it. You do both in the above, but by splitting it, you can do more. You can expand the first sentence to say "One penguin catapults itself towards me (since penguins can't fly) as it sang songs from the dictionary." The second sentence could be, "I whipped out my contra-angled probe from my pocket and stabbed the penguin in the eye."

By breaking the action into separate sentences, you can describe more. At the same time, you can make the flow of the action smoother. When a sentence is read, the reader tends to assume that everything is happening at the same moment of time, unless there are words in the sentence that indicate otherwise ("I picked up the garbage, then I took it to the garbage can and put it in. After I did that, I ate a cupcake.)

The above sentence doesn't have those key words, so it reads as if spotting the penguin and killing it occur at the same time. The reader is able to recognize the error and correct for it, but they shouldn't have to.

I know I'm reading a lot into a single sentence, but I think you can apply the lessons from this sentence to other sentences in the story and in your future works in general. I hope this helps.