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Matts Different Life



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Thu Jun 16, 2011 9:48 am
sid26 says...



It all started at the age of 15, we entered Australia after we left our war- torn country, Iraq. My name is Matt King and I’ve moved in from my country just last week. Australia is very new and different and people treat you with a lot of respect and dignity, well that was the case since last week. Ever since I’ve entered my new school I get stared at, spit at and yelled at. At first I didn’t know what their problem was but now it all makes sense. I came to this country as a friendly refuge, seeking peace and prosperity but now I’m here on a mission, a mission seeking revenge.

“Get up”! Yelled my mum, “You’ll be late again”. I pushed the blanket of my legs and stood up slowly. As I was about to exit my room something bit my leg, I howled in pain and turned to see that it was my dog Barky. I pushed him off gently and walked out; as I reached the kitchen I could smell something cooking. Without checking what was cooking I turned left and entered the bathroom. Just as I put the paste on my brush I could hear people laughing outside, I leaned near the window and saw them. Just like last week they stood there destroying my property. They were the boys from my school, all pure Aussie. Before I could say anything the boys tore the chain of my bike and ran. I ran out of the house and started chasing them but it was no use, they were stronger and older, they were way ahead so I gave up and in the far distance I could hear them laughing.

As I entered the school people stared and laughed. I had run all the way from home, I missed the bus and along the way I tripped and fell into a puddle so now my shirt was drenched. As I made my way into home room I could see the boys who broke my bike standing near the lockers. I just walked past and entered my class. When our homeroom teacher called out my name in the roll, everyone yelled out “Terrorist”. I didn’t pay any attention but the thing that made me really mad was that the teacher started to laugh along. This was a really racist school where everyone cared about your Religion, Background and Parents occupation. After homeroom I left to my period one class, English. I dreaded this subject, not because of the syllabus or English itself but because of the teacher.

My teacher Mr Greg Woodforde was the Devil! He was the most racist person I’ve ever met in my life, to be honest I’ve only lived for 15 years but I’m pretty sure that there is no one on the face of the earth that is more racist than him. As I entered the class he yelled out “the terrorist in training is here”, the class roared in laughter. There was only one kid in the whole class that didn’t laugh, my best friend Larry Burton. He was my only friend in the whole school, Larry was a special kid, he was disabled. Both his legs were like vegetables, they couldn’t move since the time he was born and he has a very short attention span and he’s deaf. I took my seat next to him. We sat all the way at jwere going past the bubblers a boy ran out of nowhere and stuck a stick in between the wheelchairs wheels. The wheelchair skid and came to a halt, Larry fell off the chair and I tripped, we were both on the ground. Everyone nearby just stood and laughed. The principal just walked past and didn’t look down. We had no help; no one came to our aid. I helped Larry on the chair and we were off. The day finally came to an end and we went home.

Almost two weeks later Larry asked if we could talk in private. So I took him to the playground and we sat under the stairs. A bunch of kids walked past us and yelled out “GAY!” We just ignored them, then Larry said “I’m having an operation in three days; it’s to fix my legs. If all goes well I’ll be able to walk in a month’s time but if it doesn’t I’ll die of excessive bleeding . I thought I’d tell you this before I left so you would know where I was if something went wrong. “I didn’t know what to say, I wanted him to live but I don’t know why he needs the operation. He’s already perfect without his legs. Larry read my mind and replied” I only want to do this operation because I want to be normal, I don’t want to be a disabled freak, I just want people to stop teasing. After saying this Larry pushed him self-off on the wheelchair and the last thing I saw of his face was tears.

The night before the operation, I felt really sick in my stomach. I wanted to call him and wish him good luck but he couldn’t hear me and there was no way of talking sign language over the phone. I soon fell asleep having nightmares throughout the night. Morning finally came and I rushed to school skipping breakfast. When I got there it was the usual Teasing, Screaming and bad remarks. As I entered homeroom it was my English teacher Mr Greg, he was talking to my homeroom teacher, when he left he walked past me and slapped the side of my head, everyone saw that but they didn’t say anything they just laughed. When homeroom ended I picked up my bang and walked out, just then a bunch of boys cornered me and pushed me to the ground. As I tried to get up they kicked me back down. “Why did you do it?” asked the blond kid. ”What” I replied. “Everyone knows it was you who told him to take the stupid operation and now he’s going to die” said the boy. They all laughed and walked away. Mr Greg has been spreading rumours about me. Nearly the whole day everyone has been accusing me of Larry. The day finally ended and I went home, as I walked up the driveway I could see my mother sitting in the car with her head down. As soon as she saw me she said “Get in, hurry up”. Without asking any questions I followed her instructions and we were off. We stopped at the hospital. My mum ran out and I followed. As we took the lift to the second floor I could see tears coming out of her eyes.

When we entered the ward I could see cleaners clean up this one particular bed, Larry’s bed. A smile spread across my face and all of a sudden I could feel joy. Larry must have got discharged and he must be at home resting. Just then my mum grabbed my hand and squeezed it tighter. She began to cry. I loosened grip and walked off near Larry’s bed. On his bed laid a bunch of roses. I knew what happened, but I didn’t cry I just fell to the ground and shut my eyes. A couple of minutes later a bunch of nurses picked me up and sat me on the bed. They told me exactly what happened, it was all Larry’s parents fault. The operation hadn’t gone to plan, after the operation Larry was in severe pain. His parents had the choice of pulling the plug, so they did what was best for him.

The next day I didn’t feel like going to school but my parents forced me to so I went. When I got there the whole school was silent. No one said or did anything, they just stared. After homeroom I went to English. As Mr Greg called out the roll he sounded very cheerful. When he called out Larry’s name no one answered. ”Oh, yes that’s right, Larry my boy is dead. Dead, dead and dead. The class stared in shock as the teacher made fun of a dead student. ”Finally the dumb kid is dead and it’s all thanks to our terrorist friend Matt” said Mr Greg “Everyone clap for Matt”. Only half the class stood and clapped and laughed and the other half sat unsure on how to respond to this situation. Just then Mr Greg made a paper ball and threw it on my face. That was the last straw, I couldn’t take it anymore, I got up and ran to the teacher, then I punched him as hard as I could on his face.

It was totally worth it but I was expelled. Mr Greg on the other hand had broken his nose and his left eye was severely bleeding. The only way to fix his nose was to have plastic surgery. I thought my life was over.
Fifteen years later, I’m all grown up now and now I’m an Australian citizen. I have two kids who both go to big posh schools. I work at Sony as the assistant manager. My life turned out not so bad. I still remember Larry, life isn’t so bad not. I hope Larry was here to see this day.

The End
  





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Thu Jun 16, 2011 1:09 pm
thegilliangill says...



Howdy there!

I think this is very good to be honest.

However I have just a few nitpicks.

Here I think you meant 'war-torn' rather than war- torn.

It all started at the age of 15, we entered Australia after we left our war- torn country, Iraq.


I am not sure if this makes sense
I get stared at


I think you may need to rephrase the words of the sentence.

This was a really racist school where everyone cared about your Religion, Background and Parents occupation.


This sentence does not make sense at all.

We sat all the way at jwere going past the bubblers a boy ran out of nowhere and stuck a stick in between the wheelchairs wheels.


You need to sort out your speech marks here.

replied” I only want to do this operation because I want to be normal, I don’t want to be a disabled freak, I just want people to stop teasing. After saying this Larry pushed him self-off on the wheelchair and the last thing I saw of his face was tears.


Screaming doesn't need a capital letter.

Teasing, Screaming and bad remarks.


Better word description could be used here.

I have two kids who both go to big posh schools.


Overall this isn't bad but needs a lot of work. Well done!
~TheGillianGill~

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Thu Jun 16, 2011 3:07 pm
meganTQ says...



I agree with TheGillianGill's comments, and I like the idea and the point you're making with this.
I think a diary format would make this text a bit more interesting and particularly improve the slightly clumsy feel of the first paragraph.
I also suggest that instead of making direct statements like:
He was the most racist person I’ve ever met in my life, to be honest I’ve only lived for 15 years but I’m pretty sure that there is no one on the face of the earth that is more racist than him

you use a more subtle way of giving that impression rather than stating it, like giving examples of the way he behaves towards other races or using metaphors or similes.
I enjoyed reading this and I hope my review is helpful.
-Megan
~Una palabra no dice nada y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo~ Carlos Varela
  





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Sat Jun 18, 2011 2:05 pm
charcoalspacewolfman says...



So I'm not very sure about the realism of this story. I've never been to a regular school, so I probably have much too much faith in my fellow man to comment on whether or not this actually might happen. Judging from the sucky state of America's education system as portrayed in the news, I'd say it's probably not too far off, though, I'm pretty sure that it's not as much a problem with the Iranian kid getting picked on as the Christian kid, since we're such a "diverse" and "tolerant" country.
Anyway, that's my brief rant; let's return to your rant.
Because really, that's what it is. The ending seemed to me to be a little bit "thrown in there." It's like at the end of fairy tales where it says, "and they lived happily ever after the end."
Did he never have any trouble getting to his place of power? Like after school, his life started going up? There aren't racist people in the real world, just schools?
Also, his kids go to a "posh school." So he's saying, in essence, that there's no trouble at these schools either; it's just public schools.
That doesn't quite sound right, and it seems to me that his elevating his kids over the trials of the world isn't doing them any good. Remember, his horrifying school experience shaped him into who he is today. Closing people off to the evil in the world only makes their worldview more narrow and unrealistic. Believe me, I'm one of those kids. It sucks to have people say, "But you don't go to normal school, so you probably don't know anything about that."
Also, you need an apostrophe in the title. It's not Matt plural, it's Matt possessive.
So my overall feeling is this was probably pretty hurried and chopped-up, but some of it is very true. And him hitting his teacher in the end there had many redeeming qualities (though that might've impaired his employment options just a tad). It needs some work, and a bit more thought. If this isn't a personal experience, I'd say you should interview someone about this. Like a kid, I mean; finding a successful businessman with time on his hands to talk to you might be difficult unless he's your dad or something.
By the way, I'm sorry if I come off as sounding too harsh. I don't believe treating anyone in the manner you described is in any way right or good, but I'm also getting supremely tired of people whining about how they don't get respect for being a certain color or a certain religion. I believe you should earn respect and, until then, keep your head above water, because life is hard for everyone; not just you.
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Mon Jun 20, 2011 10:45 pm
GrenadeCatcher says...



Hi there! I'm going to review this for you:)
Grammar, punctuation, paragraphing, etc.:

It all started at the age of 15, we entered Australia after we left our war- tornwar-torn country, Iraq. My name is Matt King and I’ve moved in from my country just last week. Yeah, we know that already. Just get rid of that. You don't need to say when, because we already know. When you were fifteen.Australia is very new and different and people treat you with a lot of respect and dignity, well that was the case since last weeksince we got rid of the sentence about how you moved last week, you can just say since last week. . Ever since I’ve Ientered my new school I get stared at, spit at and yelled at. At first I didn’t know what their problem was but now it all makes sense. I came to this country as a friendly refuge, seeking peace and prosperity but now I’m here on a mission, a mission seeking revenge.Two things, one you never said why it makes sense, not in the paragraph or throughout the story. Two, at the end, I don't really feel like your character was on a mission.

“Get up”! "Get up!"Yelledyelled my mum,. “You’ll be late again”. "You'll be late again." Also, the next paragraph should be entered. I pushed the blanket of my legs and stood up slowly. As I was about to exit my room something bit my leg, I howled in pain and turned to see that it was my dog Barky. That seems a little over the top and unnecessary. Couldn't you just say- As I was walking out of my room, my dog Barky bit my leg. I rubbed my ankle and gently pushed him out of the way. See? I just condensed a lot into a little.I pushed him off gently and walked out; as I reached the kitchen I could smell something cooking.I pushed him off gently and walked out. Something was cooking in the kitchen, but I didn't check to see what. (Or something along those lines. What you have is choppy.) Without checking what was cooking I turned left and enteredWe don't need to know where the bathroom is. Just say you turned into the bathroom. the bathroom. Just as I put the paste on my brush I could hear people laughing outside, I leaned near the window and saw them. Just like last week they stood there destroying my property. They were the boys from my school, all pure Aussie. Before I could say anything the boys tore the chain of my bike and ran. I ran out of the house and started chasing them but it was no use, they were stronger and older, they were way ahead so I gave up and in the far distance I could hear them laughing.

As I entered the school people stared and laughed. I had run all the way from home, I missed the bus and along the way I tripped and fell into a puddle so now my shirt was drenched.put that you missed the bus before saying you ran so we know why he was running. As I made my way into home room I could see the boys who broke my bike standing near the lockers. I just walked past and entered my class. When our homeroom teacher called out my name in the roll, everyone yelled out “Terrorist”. I didn’t pay any attention but the thing that made me really mad was that the teacher started to laugh along. This was a really racist school where everyone cared about your Religion, Background and Parents occupation.religion, background and parents' occupation. After homeroom I left to my period one class, English. I dreaded this subject, not because of the syllabus or English itself but because of the teacher.

My teacher Mr Greg Woodforde was the Devil! He was the most racist person I’ve ever met in my life, to be honest I’ve only lived for 15 years but I’m pretty sure that there is no one on the face of the earth that is more racist than him. As I entered the class he yelled out “the terrorist in training is here”, (new paragraph before as I entered...) "The terrorist in training is here!" The class...the class roared in withlaughter. There was only one kid in the whole class that didn’t laugh,; my best friend Larry Burton. He was my only friend in the whole school, .Larry was a special kid, he was disabled. Both his legs were like vegetables, they couldn’t move since the time he was born and ,he has a very short attention span and he’s deaf. I took my seat next to him. We sat all the way at jwere going past the bubblers a boy ran out of nowhere and stuck a stick in between the wheelchairs wheels. What??? The wheelchair skid and came to a halt, Larry fell off the chair and I tripped, . Wewe were both on the ground. Everyone nearby just stood and laughed. The principal just walked past and didn’t look down. We had no help; no one came to our aid. I helped Larry on the chair and we were off. The day finally came to an end and we went home.

Almost two weeks later Larry asked if we could talk in private. So I took him to the playground and we sat under the stairs. A bunch of kids walked past us and yelled out “GAY!” We just ignored them, then Larry said Enter I think“I’m having an operation in three days; it’s to fix my legs. If all goes well I’ll be able to walk in a month’s time but if it doesn’t I’ll die of excessive bleeding . I thought I’d tell you this before I left so you would know where I was if something went wrong. “ wrong." I didn’t know what to say, I wanted him to live butthat's not right... You want him to live but you don't want him to have the operation and die...? I Wanted him to live; I didn't know why he needed the operation. I don’t know why he needs the operation. He’s already perfect without his legs.enter Larry read my mind and replied” I only"I only want to do this operation because I want to be normal, I don’t want to be a disabled freak, I just want people to stop teasing. After saying this Larry pushed him self-offhimself off on the wheelchair and the last thing I saw of his face was tears.

The night before the operation, I felt really sick in my stomach. I wanted to call him and wish him good luck but he couldn’t hear me and there was no way of talking sign language over the phone. I soon fell asleep having nightmares throughout the night. Morning finally came and I rushed to school skipping breakfast. When I got there it was the usual Teasing, Screaming and bad remarks. As I entered homeroom[color=#00FF00], it was my English teacher Mr Greg, he was talking to my homeroom teacher, when he left he walked past me and slapped the side of my head, everyone saw that but they didn’t say anything they just laughed. [/color]Wow, this doesn't make sense and it's a run on. Try this: As I entered my homeroom, my English teacher Mr. Greg was talking to Mr. (Soandso). As Mr. Greg left, he slapped me on the side of the head. Everyone saw, but nobody said anything. They just laughed. When homeroom ended I picked up my bang bagand walked out,. just then a bunch of boys cornered me and pushed me to the ground. As I tried to get up they kicked me back down. enter“Why did you do it?” asked the blond kid. enter”What?” I replied.enter “Everyone knows it was you who told him to take the stupid operation and now he’s going to die,” said the boy. They all laughed and walked away. Mr Greg has been spreading rumoursrumors about me. Nearly the whole day everyone has been accusing me of Larry. The day finally ended and I went home, as I walked up the driveway I could see my mother sitting in the car with her head down. As soon as she saw me she said “Get in, hurry up”. up."Without asking any questions I followed her instructions and we were off. We stopped at the hospital. My mum ran out and I followed. As we took the lift to the second floor I could see tears coming out of her eyes.

When we entered the ward what ward? And make that the end of the sentence.I could see cleaners clean up this one particular bed, Larry’s bed. A smile spread across my face and all of a sudden I could feel joy. Larry must have got discharged and he must be at home resting. Just then my mum grabbed my hand and squeezed it tighter. She began to cry. I loosenedWhose? Yours? Or your mums? grip and walked off near Larry’s bed. On his bed laid I think it should be lay.a bunch of roses. I knew what happened, but I didn’t cry I just fell to the ground and shut my eyes. A couple of minutes later a bunch of nurses picked me up and sat me on the bed. They told me exactly what happened, it was all Larry’s parents fault. The operation hadn’t gone according to plan, andafter the operation Larry was in severe pain. His parents had the choice of pulling the plug, so they did what was best for him.

The next day I didn’t feel like going to school but my parents forced me to so I went. When I got there the whole school was silent. No one said or did anything, they just stared. After homeroom I went to English. As Mr Greg called out the roll he sounded very cheerful. When he called out Larry’s name no one answered. enter”Oh, yes that’s right, Larry my boy is dead. Dead, dead and dead." The class stared in shock as the teacher made fun of a dead student. enter”Finally the dumb kid is dead and it’s all thanks to our terrorist friend Matt,” said Mr Greg. “Everyone clap for Matt”. Only half the class stood and clapped and laughed and the other half sat unsure on how to respond to this situation. Just then Mr Greg made a paper ball and threw it on my face. That was the last straw, I couldn’t take it anymore, I got up and ran to the teacher, then I punched him as hard as I could on his face.

It was totally worth it but I was expelled. Mr Greg on the other hand had broken his nose and his left eye was severely bleeding. The only way to fix his nose was to have plastic surgery. I thought my life was over.
Fifteen years later, I’m all grown up now and now I’m an Australian citizen. I have two kids who both go to big posh schools. I work at Sony as the assistant manager. My life turned out not so bad. I still remember Larry, life isn’t so bad notnow. I hopeWish Larry was here to see this day.

The End


Characters:
You have about three main characters:
Matt: I felt no sorrow for him. He was horribly under described! Where in Iraq is he from? Does he have any siblings? What does he look like? How does he feel about being teased? What's his last name? Does he like his dog? Does he have a dad? I need to know more about Matt before I can begin to feel sorry for him!
Larry: He seemed pretty well described, I don't really need to know that many details about him.
Mr. Greg: Wow, I really didn't like him. But that's good, because it means you described him fairly well. Although his personality is way too racist. I get your idea, but I'm pretty sure there would be a MAJOR lawsuit if a teacher acted that way!

Story line:
Wow... It was all over the place kinda. I didn't really like it. It's not exactly an action/adventure story either. There weren't any surprises, it was all predictable and boring.

Tone/emotion:
You had NO description!!! It was so monotone I fell asleep at my desk. There's drool all over now. Thanks. Not really! But you need to add words like disgustingly, rudely, evil, sweetly, any adjective! But don't go over board. Tell us how he feels, how he's reacting to the bad news that his friend is dead. Put some voice into it!

Overall:
I didn't really get the point of the story, and I didn't really like it. Sorry if I was too harsh!
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