Young Writers Society

The year is 2012 and I am locked in an underground, highly secured, government facility. Not against my will or anything, I just work here: as a high tech 21st century knight. Technically, I don’t exist. Knights are supposed to be a legend, but we made them real. Everything’s true: our honor, administering justice, and respect, aka chivalry, and of course, the awesome armor. But it’s not like it is in books. Our suits, “armor”, are normal clothes woven with steel for protection. This makes it easier to go undercover and not be noticed.
I have a problem, though. My sister-and partner, Addison, has been kidnapped. We know by whom, but I can’t administer that information. My best friend, Topher, is going to help me rescue her. For safety reasons, I cannot reveal my name.
***
Knowing Topher was about to pass out, I pushed him from the moving van and jumped out after him. Luckily, I have no sense of fear, or right and wrong for that matter; that's one reason I hang with Topher; he's my conscience and I am his shield. This is our first mission after graduating at the top of our squire class last year. We’re still pretty new at the whole knight thing. We walked into the store, posing as new employees, we then walked to the storage room.
“You’re not supposed to be back here!” shouted the manager.
“Oh, uh...” Topher stammered.
“We’re the new employees,” I replied, shouting back. Staring at him, I hinted to the fact that we weren't employees for the store. I walked up to him.
“Henry,” I said reading the name tag. “I’m Allison and this is Joey. We got a letter from your... organization in the mail. We were told to report here today.”
Staring, Henry slowly turned and led us to another room. Topher slowly pulled out his lance and slipped away.
***
“So... how’s the business?” I said distracting Henry and the other gunmen.
Following Henry to a vault I pushed a petal on my earring, signaling Topher to set the bomb.
“I read a lot about you Lady Allison,” said Henry as I sat down. “Your track record is impressive. I see you've been in and out of juvie since you were five; hacking, stealing, and even attempted murder.”
“Yea… well… what can I say? I’m a trouble maker.”
Somehow Topher managed to get back without being missed.
“But you, Sir Joey, I have no record of you. Why is that?”
Topher shrugged. “The Head Squire was to send them with my Page a month ago,” He said.
“Stupid boy! A Page? How dumb do I look? Do you believe in every fairy tale you hear? There's no such thing as knights, pages, or squires!”
I resisted the urge to punch him.
“Look,” I said respectfully. “It doesn't matter what we believe. We're here because you hired us to rob the king and that's what we're going to do.”
***
This is it, the D.R.A.G.O.N. room, where they’re holding Addison.
“So, you scored big last week,” I said to Henry, nodding over at Addison. “Kidnapping the princess, who’s also one of the royal blacksmith.” Didn’t I mention that? I'm also the princess. Topher's a duke.
Topher followed Henry to the round table and with Henry watching I took out my lance and walked towards Addison.
“You rich brat,” I shouted gently slapping her in the face and placing the lance in her 'cuffed hands. “Give us the scroll of the palace layout or you'll receive a much worse beating.”
I walked back to round table and patted Topher on the shoulder.
***Boom***
We ran. Barely escaping the flames, we made it back outside. Henry’s guards were fast, cutting us off outside the D.R.A.G.O.N.'s head. Topher and I were stuck. With their swords to our necks, we panicked. Sharing a glace we wondered how long it would take for Addison to get out of the chains.
Just kidding. Well, kind of. I mean hello? We’re protected, though Topher seemed to have forgotten that considering he started hyperventilating. I quickly overthrew the guards. We made it to the car just as Addison arrived with the scroll of names in hand and jammed the key in the ignition.
***
“So as you see your majesty,” said Topher. “This was a list derived of the names of the black knights that are serving Mordred, but are still in your court. And for that, we had every reason to blow up the D.R.A.G.O.N. All is well; Henry and the guards are recovering. They’re also pretty dazed and clueless. Henry would still like Callie and me to assist in the robbery at your ball next month.”
“Thank you Sir Topher,” replied my father, King Arthur. He turned towards Addison and me. “Well done ladies. Callie, you and Topher must go see Lancelot at the round table. He’ll show you to the library and refer you to Guinevere for help in drawing the plans for Mordred and Henry for next month. Addison, Merlin requests your presence in the lab. He read your report and believes your theory for the new system will work quite well.”
Smiling, we walked out.
***a month later***
“Are you crazy?” whispered Topher.
“What?” I said. “How else are we supposed to get in? The ball is heavily guarded.”
“Try the front door.”
“I can't Henry’s posted there.”
“Try the back door then.”
“That’s where Mordred is stupid.”
Suddenly, the glass shattered under us...

Hey... I have to say, I liked the idea behind this, but the plot was un-followable. I couldn't tell what you were trying to do! I couldn't tell what was happening! As we say in theatre, What was their motivation? You need more descriptive words. I couldn't "See" what was happening. Don't tell me what happens, show me what happens! Also, why does your main character not have a conscience. That is a weird trait for an epic hero, which seems to be what you're doing here - making an epic. And the constant time-trips (jumping ahead in the story) is giving me whiplash.
But really, the idea was wonderful!

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll try to work on it

I really like the description of the knights in the first part but after that I didn't really get that on the rest of the story. I wasn't really sure where you were going with it.