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The speeder's web



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Fri Jul 08, 2011 3:37 pm
SubjectBlue says...



The speeder's web

The papers in the file made a rustling sound as it was placed on the black, metal and plastic, table. Lidia- a short, thin woman, wearing a suit and glasses- played nervously with her short brown hair - which she collected into a tiny ponytail- and turned to look- squinting her golden colored eyes- at Victor. Seeing her unhappy expression, Victor's lips shaped into a small, satisfied grin.
"Nervous?"- He taunted her.
Lidia looked at the small man, murder in her eyes. Victor was considered one of the best inspectors in the web, using his deceiving, harmless looks as a weapon. He was very short, more out of fit then actually fat, and balding. He always wore dark jeans-like pants and light collared shirts and his blue-framed glasses, his eyes were blue, and the remains of his hair graying red. Despite that slightly boring office worker look, Victor Strovanich was a sharp minded, ruthless inspector who was known for hunting down the worst criminals the world had to offer, and for stepping over his associates career ruins to advance himself.
"We don't know what we'll find there, Strovanich."- She finally answered.
Victor shrugged, "Let's find out, then!"- He said cheerfully.
Lidia nodded, more to herself than to him, then opened the file, stating the title out loud: Benjamin Georgionor
    known as Ben Georgionor.
    Born: 18.3.88- 6922 N. 1754 W. Station; block 4; apartment 17.
    Father's name: Isaac Goorstein.
    Mother's name: Miriam Goorstein.
    Criminal Record: Breaking and entering; Trespassing; Vandalism.
    Notes: Suspected to be a full scale criminal, no evidence.

"It's a dead end!"- Lidia muttered angrily, slamming the file to the table frustration.
Victor remained calm, "There were several pages, what about the rest?"- He asked.
Lidia shook her head and sighed, "Nothing, just arrest photos, the rest is blank."
Victor scratched his chin thoughtfully, "Blank? That means someone erased it, there's the lead!"- he arrogantly explained.
Lidia turned to look at the third member of the team, Mark Otrinne, who- being the lowest ranking inspector- stood meekly by the door.
Mark was almost the opposite of Victor, he was a young, honest and kind man. He was tall and muscular, handsome, with a military cut light brown hair, dark blue eyes and his face were shaved flawlessly. He wore his official red Web uniform, revealing his decorations and medals, the only kind of pride he ever showed. On the other hand, he wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed- a good, hardworking inspector, less of a detective.
Mark gave her a reassuring smile, detected in delight by Victor, who also smiled to her, not very reassuringly, however.

On the speeder home, where he finally managed to lose the other two, Victor pulled out of his pocket a crumpled paper. It read: Financials:
After a quick reading Victor nodded and grinned, he was right! He then took the paper, teared it to shreds and- considering the smoke detectors denying him of burning it- ate it.
There can't be any evidence, he knew, no court will ever convict.
He heard the notice, alerting him that his station is next. After fifteen seconds, his pad was released from the speeder and was attached to the station by it's arms, the door was then opened to the station.
Victor got out of his pad and walked to the toilets, where he entered one of the cells and loaded his gun.
They were after him...

Lidia drank her morning coffee, she was wearing tights and a tank top, and was still a little sweaty from her casual jogging. She was sitting in a local cafe, next to the window. The brown plastic leather-like seat was stretched a little as she stretched her aching muscles, and the smoke coming out of her coffee swirled to the ceiling gracefully. She heard the door opening- a local looking for coffee and pie- she assumed, then she heard the familiar voice ordering coffee and Victor sat on the chair on the other side of her table.
"good morning."
Lidia looked at him with shock, how did he found her? She then realized she was staring and answered aggressively: "What do you want, Victor?"
Victor didn't seem to pay attention to her bad mood, his eyes gleamed as he lowered himself toward her and whispered: "There is something I need to tell you!"
She looked around, then leaned closer, "Talk."
"I checked Georgionor financial records. It's coming from inside the web!"
Lidia nodded, she shared Victor suspicion- that Georgionor was working from inside the web- from the start, the thought about a proof thrilled her, "Can you prove it?"- She asked, afraid of the answer.
"I founded proof, but it had to be destroyed, I'm sorry."
Lidia nodded, "Do you have a lead?"
Victor looked her hurtfully, "What do you think?"- He said.

The speeder slashed quickly through the air, moving in the speed of 1,200 kph. In the main hub- where those who traveled to distant locations interacted with each other, ate or watched movies- Dean was sitting, examining the passengers. He was of average height, muscled, but acrobatically, with short dark hair and dark brown eyes. He was wearing short pants, a flowery shirt and a hat. Mrs. Rallow- a maternal mid aged woman- sat by him and chatted with him happily, she decided when she met him to take the young man under her wing, and so she did. Mr. Rallow, also a very friendly man, sat by her and sometimes added a word of agreement, the couple were- like Dean- tourists to Arkin sea, one of the last remaining water bodies not dried.
On another seat- close by- sat Trisha Lyper, shyly looking at Dean, she was a bit younger then him, petite, with light blonde curly hair and blue eyes. When his eyes crossed her's, she blushed and looked at the window, her finger nervously twisting a curl of her hair.
Lastly- looking grim and worried- was Dr. Thomson, who was seating with his back to the wall, his eyes scanning the other passengers like he was expecting one of them to suddenly charge at him.
The map showed that their station will be in two hours, Mrs. Rallow sighed and yawned, obviously tired of the long- five hours- drive. Dean politely left his seat, seating next to Trisha.
Dr. Thomson, who noticed the young man being closer to him now, looked at him suspiciously.
Trisha's face were very red, Dean started talking to her while keeping an eye on the doctor. After thirty minutes, her hand founded his, he looked into her eyes, and gripped it firmly- but softly.
Ten minutes to final destination. declared the announcing system, each passenger left to his or her's own pad, after twelve minutes all of them regrouped on the dock, with the doctor as exception.
"I wonder were Dr. Thomson went,"- Started Mrs. Rallow- "Dean, honey. Wasn't his pad right next to your's?"
Dean shrugged, "I don't know, Mrs. Rallow, he was a bit weird though."
Mrs. Rallow nodded, "Well then,"- She cheerfully began, refusing to let the subject worry her- "we have to check in our hotel, let's go."
When the Rallows arrived their hotel, they suddenly realized the younger two weren't there. Mrs. Rallow smiled to her husband, and he smiled back, they were young too once.
Dr. Thomson was lying on the train floor, surrounded by terrified people. A woman was telling the inspector what happened: "I just founded him like that, sir, all pale like that. There was a newspaper in his hands, here it is!"- She waved the paper excitedly.
"Heart attack."- Determined the medic.
The inspector read the paper:
    Tragedy: accidental death of heiress to fortune
    Trisha Lyper- sole heiress to the Lyper family fortune- was found dead in the Arkin sea. The inspectors representative- officer Chloe Risatta- stated: "We are not yet sure about the cause of death, we believe, however, that miss Lyper fell to the water and drowned."- When asked about the theories claiming that Trisha Lyper was murdered, she said: "So far, we have founded no evidence indicating criminal causes.

Ben walked toward the dock, he showed his passport- that carried the name 'Dean Mc'rally'- to the scanner, and entered his pad. When the Speeder passed, the pad attached itself to it.
No one was inside.



this is a short story, however, some of the characters are reoccurring during several stories, Which means that there will be another story about Ben Georgionor, Lidia, Victor and so, it might have some relations to this one, but they are all different.

Hope you liked it.
Last edited by SubjectBlue on Fri Jul 08, 2011 3:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Fri Jul 08, 2011 3:56 pm
Snake7 says...



Sorry, I didn't manage to read all of this.
This is quite good from what I've read so far though.

SubjectBlue wrote:- who stood by the light switch with a gun in his hand-

This is quite a fast-paced scene and things like this are kind of unecessary and slow things down a bit. I would advise you take this out altogether.

I'm not really a fan of detective books but this one looks quite good. :)
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Fri Jul 08, 2011 4:01 pm
SubjectBlue says...



thanks, actually, it wasn't even supposed to be there, as it was unrelated to the story, i just missed it out in the editing somehow.
so, thanks for drawing my attention toward my mistake, and I'm glad you enjoyed
'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.' -Stephen G. Tallentyre

"Great minds think alike- idiots are unpredictable"

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Fri Jul 08, 2011 6:47 pm
Carlito says...



Hello!

Nitpicks:
the black, metal and plastic, table.

Hmm, I'm not really sure how to picture this. I would try and make it slightly more clear. Is it mostly metal or plastic? Are the papers touching metal or plastic? Whichever it is, I would go with that so the reader as a clearer image in mind.

Lidia- a short, thin woman, wearing a suit and glasses- played nervously with her short brown hair - which she collected into a tiny ponytail- and turned to look- squinting her golden colored eyes- at Victor.

Whoa so many dashes and such a long sentence! You could probably break this into more than one sentence and I would use commas a semicolons to break it up instead of dashes.

Seeing her unhappy expression, Victor's lips shaped into a small, satisfied grin.

Sentences that begin like this are just a general pet peeve of mine. Make it active instead of passive. "Victor's lips shaped into a small, satisfied grin once he saw her unhappy expression."

Lidia looked at the small man, murder in her eyes.

"murder in her eyes" sounds odd to me. I would try something like "with murderous eyes".

Victor was considered one of the best inspectors in the web, using his deceiving, harmless looks as a weapon.

I would put this and the rest of the paragraph in first person unless he was once one of the best and now he's not or he was once very short and now he's not.

more out of fit then actually fat,

Huh? Maybe "not quite in shape, but not fat"

light collared shirts and his[/b[ blue-framed glasses,


Despite that slightly boring office worker look, Victor Strovanich was a sharp minded, ruthless inspector who was known for hunting down the worst criminals the world had to offer, and for stepping over his associates career ruins to advance himself.

Semicolon after "offer". The last part of that sentence doesn't translate well for me. "Career ruins"? I think I get what you're trying to say, but I think it could be a lot more clear.

Victor remained calm, "There [b]were (are) several pages, what about the rest?"- He asked.


Mark was almost the opposite of Victor, he was a young, honest and kind man. He was tall and muscular, handsome, with a military cut light brown hair, dark blue eyes and his face were shaved flawlessly. He wore his official red Web uniform, revealing his decorations and medals, the only kind of pride he ever showed. On the other hand, he wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed- a good, hardworking inspector, less of a detective.

This should be in present tense again.

Mark gave her a reassuring smile, detected in delight by Victor, who also smiled to her, not very reassuringly, however.

I'd break this into two sentences. "Mark gave her a reassuring smile, which Victor noticed. He also smiled, although less reassuringly."

On the speeder home, where he finally managed to lose the other two,

I wasn't aware that they were driving.

After fifteen seconds, his pad was released from the speeder and was attached to the station by it's arms, the door was then opened to the station.

Huh?

a little sweaty from her casual jogging.


Lidia looked at him with shock, how did he found her?

The verbs don't agree. Either "How had he found her?" or "How did he find her?"

"I founded proof, but it had to be destroyed, I'm sorry."


I think you have an interesting concept and idea here but the whole thing needs to slow down a little bit. I'm a little confused about who some of the people are, what they do, and what their relation is to other people in the story. I think you should slow it down a little and give the reader some more descriptions and explanations of things so we have a better sense of what is going on.

The other big thing I noticed is the tenses and verbs. I marked some of the verbs that aren't in the correct form, but watch out for those. Same with the tenses. You changed tenses a lot and for the most part, you should stick with present tense. The reader will feel more in tune to your story because they'll feel like they're a part of the action instead of reading about the action.

Your idea is interesting and I think it could be really great, you just need a little bit of tweaking :)

Let me know if you have any questions or need anything else!

-Carly
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Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:48 am
SubjectBlue says...



thanks for the help. It's really great when people correct me because it really helps me learn (I think)
About the world: (I wanted to explain during story, but I never had the chance.)
The world is pretty much owned by a corporation called the speeder's web, which is an extremely evolved train.
Due to population explosion, seas and oceans have been dried to make more room.
the inspectors are the speeder inspectors (like in a train) that due to their company's power are a global policing force.
'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.' -Stephen G. Tallentyre

"Great minds think alike- idiots are unpredictable"

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Sun Jul 10, 2011 4:44 am
blondeshorty01 says...



It was super!! but in the being, don't explain in detail soooooooo much! It makes it SUPER boring after a while. and you said "i founded proof..." you mean found correct? it was nice and calm, although it's wayyy to late for me to be thinking soo much so, let me say this,
1. it was wonderful written, great details, and lovely gramer
2. spelling is AMAZING!
3. awesome story line!
and
4. it was really hard to distinguish the different points of view, maybe some **** in between? or a ________? well, it was really good, and your a nice writer! *hands cookie* Good writer!!!
  





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Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:46 am
chloe13 says...



Just want to say I really enjoy your writing style and that you have really great story lines. Keep up the good work. :)
  








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