Young Writers Society

As said in the description- 'Same characters, different world' which referred to a previous story of mine "The speeder's web".
In this story however, the world is our world, no changes (almost).
So, this is it...

Also, there are swear words here and there, if it bothers you- please ignore them.

This should really be in a "spoiler" section. A paragraph above the text about the text makes it look a little messy; people may find it more professional if you use the "spoiler" option, which is in the right hand corner when you edit the piece.

Death's eye

Captain Davis looked through his binoculars at the horizon. Behind him, at the camp, a sound of an argument began.
Davis didn't look, he was a tough commander, and knew that non of his man will go too far in case of a fight.
"Davis didn't look. He was a tough commander, and knew that none of his men would go to far, in case there was a fight." First: short sentences are better than commas. It's more dramatic. It's faster. and it just looks "nice". There were also just a couple of spelling and grammar mistakes, but hey, we all make them so it's not much of a biggy.

"And I tell you that the goddamned towel-heads are hiding somewhere in this fucking desert!"- Yelled Tony angrily. "And I tell you that the goddamned towel-heads are hiding somewhere in this fucking desert!", yelled Tony, angrily. Commas should be used after speech, not dashes and capital letters.
"Where? We've been here for three months straight now, and we haven't seen one of the bastards!"- Replied Jacob, annoyed. Same thing here.
"I said they were hiding, you idiot!"
Jacob clenched his fist, "You call me an idiot, you son of a bitch?!" You "calling" me and idiot would be better.
Tony sneered, "What are you gonna do about it," -he emphasized the word- "idio-?"
Even if someone is cut off midway through dialogue, you should still put in the question mark if they were about to answer a question.
He didn't manage to finish that last sentence when Jacob assaulted him, throwing him to the ground with a great impact.
All other squad members gathered around, some to watch the fight, some to stop it- Full stop rather than dash would be better here. A fight within the ranks of the squad was a very rare event.

"What the hell is going on?!" -Captain Davis stepped between the two, followed by mumbles of the men.
Jacob and Tony looked at him with despair, they were in trouble. Again, remember short sentences. "Jacob and Tony looked at him with despair. They were in trouble.
"Well, sir," -Tony began in hesitation- "Jacob and I were just havin' a bit of fun, y'know, wrestling and stuff." Jacob nodded in agreement.
Captain Davis watched their faces, he sighed and grabbed his face in his hands. Then in a tired voice he said: "Tony, what's the problem between you and Jacob?- No matter," -He said when Tony's mouth quickly opened to answer- "just, just get over it, I can't babysit you two all day. You can start during double night shift." He then returned to his tent.
I think the sentence structure is a little iffy here; it's a little harder to read than the rest of the text.Maybe: "Captain Davis watched their faces, sighed and held his face in his hands.
"Tony," he said in a tired voice. "What's the problem with you and Jacob?"
Tony's mouth opened quickly to answer, but Davis decided he was far too tired.
"No matter," he said, before Tony could reply. "Just- just get over it, I can't babysit you two all day. You can start during double night shift." He then returned to his tent.
Tony and Jacob looked at each other, then shook hands. After that, the tension broke, and their brothers-in-arms swooped in to talk with their friends.

The guest sat all this time in the corner, watching with amusement as the two fought. Captain Davis approached him, "Funny?"- He asked angrily.
"Interesting."- Replied the guest. Captain looked at him with contempt, semi- colon (;) would be better here the man was sent as an investigator, order from the high ranks, but there was something unsettling about him, and he seemed to mock the squad all the time.
Davis didn't really know how to answer, he was a man of action- not words, he groaned, and left operative Strovanich on his own.
Victor pulled out of his shirts pocket a pack of cigarettes, he lit one, then sat back and smoked thoughtfully.
His mission was very important, especially for the Captain- He chuckled as he thought about Davis's behavior if he knew Victor's task- To save Captain Davis's life. Either replace the dashes with full stops, or remove the capital letters and add commas. The former would probably be better.

Lieutenant Rory Preacher watched the detective carefully, if someone could interfere with his mission, it was Victor Strovanich. How did he know?!- He wondered with awe- I left no evidence when coming here! Thoughts should either be in italics or speech marks; I personally prefer italics, for instance: How did he know?!, he wondered with awe. I left no evidence when coming up here!
As if he could read minds, Victor head turned to where Rory was standing, there was nothing there- Rory knew about stealth more than anyone.
Rory- Ben- walked toward Davis's tent, he can't kill the man now, obviously, he'll have to find a future plan.
He walked into the tent, Davis- slightly surprised- turned to him: "What are you do- Oh, Rory, it's you. Is there something you need?"
"Yes, sir. I thought I'll go with Marc, Wayne and Jacob to the tower, y'know, to see if we can find some targets."
Davis sighed, "Okay, but you do realize that there aren't any targets around here. The operation is a cover."
Rory nodded, "Yes, sir. But the boys don't know that, and we don't want 'em to get suspicious, do we?"
"Your'e You're right, take care of that."- Answered Davis. He had no idea what he would've done without Rory- He was a good lieutenant, and the best marksman and infiltrator in the whole squad, a smart one too, not panicking under fire.

The ridiculous part was that Victor already knew that Rory was Ben, he waited to his backup. If Georgionor realized how dip Victor was, he would have killed him and disappeared by now. Victor knew that his life depended in his act of ignorance.
Victor left the chair and went to his interrogation tent, after a quick order, a young solider was brought to him for questioning.

"Please state name, rank and number."- Victor began.
"Philip Dennison, private, first class, 84523471, sir."- answered eagerly the man in front of him.
"Please, don't call me sir after every question, this will make the process a lot longer. When did you join the squad?"
"Before a year and a half, here are my records if you want." "A year and a half ago" sounds better.
After a quick review on the records, Victor had one more question: "How did you come to this unit?"
"I was taken from another unit, scouting squad."
"In that case, your'e clean. Return to your duties, solider."
The young man quickly escaped the tent. Victor sighed, and checked his personal radio device, nothing, he's all alone.
Suddenly, the alarm was raised: "Enemy detected! Repeat, enemy detected!"
This was supposed to be a clean zone!- Victor thought as he ran to Davis's tent- What's going on?!

There was a mistake, enemy forces were still located in the area. Ben smiled, it's amazing how the wicked always get away.
He ran to Davis's tent, one shot, then get out of there and back to the USA. He entered the tent only to find it empty.
Dammit! The idiot must have gone to the front line!- He ran in a hurry, he didn't intended to lose the contract for a stupid solider.
On his way out, he collided into another man, Oh no, not him!- He thought as he looked into the eyes of Victor Strovanich. Victor looked back at him, and Ben knew he knows.
"How long?"- He asked slowly.
Victor looked into his eyes, and nervously grinned: "Since day one, Georgionor."- He watched as Ben looked at the direction of the battle field, "It's too late- Davis fell at the beginning. Want a smoke?"
Ben shook his head: "I don't smoke- addiction is a bad idea when the job can take you to places without it, and a cough is a real deal-breaker in stealth."
Victor shrugged, then turned to his enemy: "So, what's going to happen now?"
Ben smiled unpleasantly: "Now? I believe now you will be killed by enemy forces."- He aimed a handgun to Victor's face.

Ben woke up, Ben to focus, but the ceiling seemed to be turning, Victor was already awake.
"You know, from a master hit man like you I would've expected to hear them."- Victor remarked cynically.
"Yeah, great job by the way, detective."- Ben answered bitterly.
"I'm a man of thought, your'e the killing machine."
"Thanks."
Victor shook his head and said: "Listen, Georgionor, I don't like you and you don't like me, but if we want to go home, We'll have to corporate."
Ben got up, his bound resting on the floor, "You need me, not the other way around."- He grinned and went to the door.
"Really?! Then do tell me, do you know where we are, who are our enemies, anything?"- Victor yelled, desperately trying to delay the young man.
"No, do you?"
Victor grinned, he wasn't finished yet, "Yes, together?"
Ben turned back at him, then knelled beside him and untied his bounds, "Let's go."

The investigator opened the cell's door. When he noticed the empty chairs, he ordered his guards to get in first.
The three guards walked in, guns prepared. When the last one got in, Ben suddenly dropped down from the ceiling and clenched his neck, twisting and breaking him. Moving faster then they could react to, He pulled the dead guard's gun and shot twice.
By the time the investigator realized that someone jumped off the ceiling, the two other guards were lying on the floor, their heads smeared on the wall.
Victor got out of his shadow, dramatically clapping, as Ben led the shaking investigator to the chair.
"Just knock him out, I know enough to get us out."- Victor said.
Ben looked at him as if he was mad, "Just knock him out?! This isn't civilized police work!"- He turned to the investigator and punched him quickly on the throat and the back of the head. As the man collapsed, blood dripping out of his mouth and nose, Victor took a gun from one of the bodies, "Good thinking, I guess."- He said coldly.
Ben smiled, "Your'e better than I thought, Let's move now!"