Young Writers Society

She stood there by the grave suddenly looking like a helpless young girl as she broke down to tears. No one had any words of consolation for her, what do you say to a widow so young. She was the perfect combination of youth, beauty and intelligence - what a pity to see a woman like her regret her existence. Left desperately lonely with no more family to turn to, she wept on in public.
It was such a sunny day, so wrong for a funeral. Graham had been a successful businessman, the attendance of all his employees and business partners clearly showed that.All these people but no one could help the widow. If he had left her out of disease or accident, it probably wouldn't have hurt this much. But knowing he was murdered and all his fortune's been robbed - the poor Elanore's grief was beyond endurance.

***

'Ah, Vogue, been quite busy lately, ay? How'd your last task go?'

'Of course it went well. Have I ever failed, Roger'

'Just thought THIS job might stop you.'

'Nope, life just couldn't get better.'

Roger stared at her grin, her diabolical grin. The realization frightened him, he never knew what sort of a woman he'd worked with up until now. Cautiously, as he filled in a requisition, he tried to gather his thoughts:

'So,...when's the agency receiving a share?'

'What do you mean by 'a share'?,' she snapped, 'I did it all, it's MY personal achievement!'

A smile broke into Roger's face:

'Oh, just thought you might consider a donation to those who may have helped you, sometime.'

She stared blankly at him as he went back to work. She knew what his next thought was: 'I'll see how you keep my hands off that money - I gave you the job!'

***

Lt. Owen felt clueless about what to do. Somehow, the most complex cases always seemed to end up on his desk. The assassin here had been clever, but Owen knew well enough that no one could ever be too good. Staring at the brunette woman, he was assured by the glinting eyes and red nose that she had been crying. Looking for a positive statement, Owen said with a smile:

'We've checked the volt and we're hoping to find some culprit...soon.'

'And?'

'We will be given access to the CCTV reels soon. We're hoping it will hold enough evidence for us.'

'And I'm hoping your soon can be a little sooner. I can see you aren't progressing a lot.'

'To be honest ma'am, every case needs a little time to unfold. Of course, you don't expect our assassins to have left THAT direct a trail.'

Owen could see the mistrust in Elanore's eyes as she stood up to leave. All he could think was, 'How can a man this rich be shot in his own room with no evidence of a struggle on his body or any poisoning? It seems as if he had wanted his death. How can half a million pounds be taken from a bank volt with none of the staff realizing a theft? Had any of the staff been involved?'

***

'Hey Roger, how come you guys didn't try a disguise? Fire, car crash, food poison, suicide, drug over-dose,..'

'Flint, 650 thousand doesn't rust in your account or mine, does it? That money had a lot of security around him, he was a hard kill. You have to give her credit for that though.'

'I guess you can't turn her in can you?'

'And let the cops suck up all that cash! We gotta do something about it ourselves.'

'Is it all at her place?'

'Her home's gotta have tight security now but I'm thinking on it. She isn't getting away this easy.'

Flint could swear Roger was planning a murder but Roger was going to break the security codes first.

***

His door-bell ringing at 2 a.m. wasn't something Roger had expected. What surprised him more was who he met outside.

'Roger Stephans, please.,' a familiar voice choked on the intercom and continued panting. Loading his revolver, Roger unlocked the door. Vogue rushed in, red, sweaty and panicking:

'Roger, Roger, I really need a favour.'

'What happened? Did

you 'run' over from Churchill?'

'No. I parked my car in Lavent street- ran from there.'

'Why that far..Did your car break d....'

'Roger, there was a robbery at my place!'

Roger froze,'how could she keep that low security?'

***

Handing him 2 briefcases Roger said:

'Flint, go over with this and make sure no one sees you.'

'Wait, where's she? Or do I ask 'where's her body'?'

'She said she's off to the local station, so the cops'll be there soon.'

'Rog, the cash's all gone then! what's the point.'

'Her account's still open and I'll have that cleared soon. Now put this on, we don't want to leave evidence.'

Stuffing the cap into his pocket, Flint got into his car and sped off. For a moment in his life, Roger felt guilt. Maybe he should've admitted that Vogue had left 300 thousand at his place, that he not only had the remains of the robbery but also her gold, that Flint should receive a share but then for money- guilt just doesn't stick around for long.

***

Flint spotted a hooded boy on the other end of the street, 'Oh, a kid can't do any harm.' and he walked on towards his destination. Flint missed to notice that the kid had crossed the street, that the kid was following him now.

'Car's parked out of cop investigation vicinity- checked, worn Vogue's glove- check, fine' 'Now what do I have to get done...' 'Enter code on lock, press fingerprint on biometric scan, keep the counterfeit cash in her room - Hey, my hair isn't covered, now where'd I keep that ca..'

The kid had run for his briefcase but Flint was fast. He did a reflex pull on the briefcase but the kid was stubborn, he hadn't lost his grip. The commotion brought out a yell from ahead.

'What's going on?'

An armed policeman emerged from Vogue's garden. Flint knew their plans were failing, the cops were faster than him. If only he could get out of this scene clean- he didn't want anything else. Flint watched the kid run off in the other direction and he returned to himself:

'Officer, get him! That kid just tried snatching my case.'

Another man in uniform came out of the garden and ran off behind the kid. Flint walked over to the other end of the street and the policeman followed him:

'Sir, has anything been taken? Have you been injured?'

'No officer, I'm fine thank you. I live in that house right there. My wife must be waiting, so thanks again. Oh, all the daredevil children nowadays, lots of bad peer pressure and...'

'Can I check your briefcase?'

Flint knew then that their plans had backfired. He could take a run, but the place was swarmed with cops. Had Roger betrayed him or was this all Vogue's planning?

***

'Vogue, darlin', I just ran 2 miles for you. Don I deserve somethin special?'

Vogue stared at Crow. The sweaty face in that hood and the red cheeks did prove him truthful but she feared there was a deeper meaning to his words:

'Is it brighter in here or did you just get paler?'

'Crow, if that's meant to be a compliment - flattery isn't going to get you anything. You'll get your payment soon.'

'You sound like 'em policemen - 'SOON'. What you plannin' to do? Kill me if I ask for a raise? I rob your house for you and faithfully return all the money, then I get that Flint caught. You think I don't understand that you aren't giving me enough. You thought a student at this level will be happy with anythin'. Guess I could get from Rog or the press OR cops?' A malicious grin spread across his face.

'Crow, you think I'll fall for that? I'm giving you enough, okay kid - or I could get into much bigger trouble than you can get out of!'

'You underestimate people TOO much. I've kept reminders of my work, just in case I forget or I need the cops to remember. I won't ask for a big raise, Rog's behind bars by now - I know you're clever, hiding you're money at his place and sending cops over to make him look like a thief, sending your gold over making it look like he robbed your house, but I understood, didn't I?'

Vogue grimaced at Crow, annoyed and frustrated she stepped on the accelerator. She wondered whether this kid had known how good an assassin she was. But this wasn't the didn't matter, she had just got out of this mess so clean - just a few more fake tears to her awaiting fortune.

***

'Ms. Elanore Vogue Graham. What do you have to say for yourself about the death of Mr. Aaron Crow?'

'Witnesses have informed that you shot Crow on the 7th of October at your office grounds.'

'He was harrasing me! He threatened me, you have no clue of how he was stalking me. I certainly didn't know what I was doing if I did it this publicly. I am willing to help his family financially, however I can and...'

'Ms. Graham, we understand you've been experiencing an immense load of adversities - you're own collegue has betrayed you and made you a widow and I understand you're young - but Mr. Crow was 6 years younger, people his age can do so much without thinking but murder him - do you ever feel that you may have overdone his punishment?'

Crow's lawyer peered into the widow's face. She had gotten away with too much to realize that not controlling her emotions could get her in trouble. No one will ever know that to this woman - murderer of her own husband - killing just some greedy kid was nothing, neither will they ever know that she deserved this death sentence not because of lack of self-control but because of her own greed - greed for green parchment.

I liked this alot. There was only a few things that need tweaking. First, thing was the sentence: "He tried to ata his thoughts:" Maybe you meant to say "gather his thoughts:"? Not sure, but correct me if im off. Second, the sentence "Of course, you don't expect our assassins to have left THAT direct trails." should probably be "Of course, you don't expect our assassins to have left THAT direct a trail." I think that they both may be grammatically correct but the latter just flows together better. Lastly, work just a tine bit more on developing the charactors and clearing up some of the plot. I got lost sometimes during certain conversations. Other than that i really like this short story. The witty remarks of some of your characters were very enjoyable, like: "'And I'm hoping your soon can be a little sooner." made me laugh out loud. And the way you ended your story with "greed for green parchment." was really crafty and I liked it alot. It tied together the whole story. Very good story! Keep writing!

Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. SLOOOOOOW DOWWWWN.

It's clear from how much you have here that there is a ton of action going on. I was intrigued from the beginning because your first paragraph was lovely and set the pace nicely for us, especially this moment:

No one had any words of consolation for her, what do you say to a widow so young.

I knew that there was a woman whose husband had been murdered and I was prepared to read on. Then I was intrigued again when I found out that we'd be reading from the perspective of the other side as well! I was super excited about that, because I thought it would work well and prove an exciting challenge for you as a writer to get into the heads of people on both sides of this event. The way you characterized Roger and the woman he spoke to, I knew you'd be able to handle it.

But it just kept speeding on and on with no explanation at all. The first three sections were fine. I agree that you don't need to sit there and say "Roger worked with the assassin" or "Lt. Owen was helping Elanore solve the case", but I had no idea who Flint was and since I was completely lost, I lost interest in continuing to read. I couldn't see where this was going. I didn't even know where I was in time.

Give us more time and context to go with this story. Go back and rewrite these sections, do them a little more justice and make them more vivid to the reader. If you spend even more time with Roger and that woman in that scene, we'll learn even more about them. Spend more time with Elanore at the beginning, too. We just see the image of a woman crying. Who is around her? Who supports her? Who are these people that feel they can't talk to her at all? Doesn't she have any friends?

And did she hire Lt. Owen or did he get assigned by the police or something? GIVE US a little more explanation. Not everything. I know you have everything up in your head. But if you slow it down and make it a little easier to swallow, I might actually be encouraged to read to the end.

Let me know if you have any questions. Keep it up. ( :

Hannah