Young Writers Society

"Well stop going out and getting drunk with Ted and Bill!" My wife was screaming again. Her voice echoed in my head and was irritating me to the point of anger. I tried to ignore her but she kept nagging and nagging, like she wanted me to snap. My mind was splitting until finally... Crack.

"How bout' you stop fooling around with that guy from your office huh!" She got real quiet after that, "Dammit You never shut up! I get drunk because I know I have to come home to your ass!" That anger inside me... It was manifesting itself into my brain. I was feeling really strange. It was like something or someone was fighting me for control over my body. Finally I let go and fell into ecstasy with my demonic rage.

"So is that how you did it eh?" A policeman with a cigarette in his mouth and coffee in his hand said. I was getting lost in the story I forgot I was getting interrogated. Shit.

"Well hold on I'm getting to the good part if you'd just let me finish." I said very nonchalant.

She grabbed a pan from the kitchen and tried swinging it at me, the first hit me and dazed me but everything else was hitting the air. I went to her and threw her to the ground and started choking her. but I didn't feel it was giving me the satisfaction that my devilish mind craved so badly. I got up and grabbed a nice nine inch chef knife, just sharpened. Oh you don't know how happy I was when I heard her sweet little screams with every gash I tore into her. I really tried to savor it but she was just human and sadly died. Luckily our son was at his friends house spending the night there.

"Was it the neighbors that called you guys on me? Cuz' she was screaming really loud." I started to laugh.

"You think this shit is funny?" The cop slammed on the steel table.

"Oh no, not at all." I tried containing some of my giggles I had. So like I was saying, my kid is at his friends house. That's good because she spilt a whole lot of blood. It was on the drapes, the floor, it was everywhere. I had it all over my face i was thinkin' bout' washing it off but I kinda like how it looked on me. I was thinking about how to get rid of the body, acid, sea, chopped up, you know that good stuff.

"Oh and by the way did you ever find her body?"

"No," He said a little disappointed. "Tell me, Where did you hide it?"

Well there was only one way that I could think of that would get rid of it. I chopped her up in bite sized pieces and cooked her. She forgot to make dinner and I was hungry, It was a win win. But I couldn't eat all of her so I started to walk around the neighborhood until I heard a dog bark then I tossed small pieces over the fence to shut them up and get rid of her. Either they must've liked her or else I'm a good cook because they stopped yapping their mouths once I through it over. I kept nibbling on some of her while I was walking. Once I was all out I started heading back to MY house and there was two of YOUR people in there. I snuck to my shed and grabbed my shotgun. I used to use it to hunt game but I guess pig was alright too.

"That's it I've heard enough!" He shouted and grabbed his handcuffs and slapped them on my wrists.

"Hold up don't you want to know what happened to them? It's a happy ending at the end I promise you." He was looking at me disdainfully but sat me down again. "Boy your easy to convince" I laughed.

So I grabbed my 12 gauge and was crawling in my backdoor trying to be as quiet as I could. One went upstairs to "investigate" while the other stood downstairs looking at the bloody carpet. I ran up behind him and hit him with the butt of my shotgun and he fell like a sack of bricks. The other guy heard his thud though. But he didn't pull out his firearm and BOOM I shot him square in the chest. He rolled down the stairs and probably broke his neck when he was falling down the stairs. I bet the neighbors were feeling pretty scared once my shotgun went off. I remembered there was the one sleeping on my floor. I decided to give him a quick death he looked like a nice guy. Just a blast to the head was it. And then your other friends came and caught me watching t.v. And now we are here in this bright room and you breathing smoke in my face.

"Was that the happy ending? You killing two good cops and your wife? Oh your gonna get life buddy I'm going to make sure of that!"

"No the happy ending is that I get free" He laughed and grabbed my wrists. I swiftly rammed the back of my head into his making him lose his grip. I turned behind him and grabbed his gun shooting the handcuffs. I shot his foot then held him by the neck making sure he couldn't breath. At least ten cops busted into the room and drew their guns at me. I pointed it at his head now.

"I don't want to kill this guy but I will If you don't let me out."

"Just shoot him!" the cop was struggling to get out. I smacked him to shut up. I started to walk slowly towards the door and they all backed away.

"Now, everyone go to the left side." They stood on the wall I had to make sure none could get a clear shot so I kept moving my head behind his and walking faster. I saw the door but I had to hurry up before the cops crawl all over outside.

"Where are your keys?" I whispered in his ear. He spit on my cheek. I shot his knee, the other cops were ready to shoot. "Are you going to tell me?"

"Their in my right pant pocket."

"Was that so hard?" I grabbed the keys and opened the door behind me. "If any of you try to follow us I will blow his brains out!" I tried to run with him but he had a shattered knee. We got to the car and hit the gas making the tires screech. For two miles I didn't see them but I knew they were tracking me so I tried to look inconspicuous. I stopped at a deserted house and shot him in the back of the head with the seat to muffle the shot. I undressed and put on his clothes. The blood stains and hole in the pant leg could be covered up. I left him there and started walking towards a parking lot. Not much cars but it will do. I found one with the door unlocked and hotwired the car. I started driving down the road thinking about my beautiful dead wife and my poor son.

it was the best story i have read on this site!!!!!!!!!! this guy should be an author!! i would buy his books! your awesome keep it up!

wow. i read it again and i am even more impressed!! your amazing.

"Well, stop going out and getting drunk with Ted and Bill!" My wife was screaming again. Her voice echoed in my head and was irritating me to the point of anger (1). I tried to ignore her but she kept nagging and nagging, like she wanted me to snap. My mind was splitting until finally... Crack.

"How bout' you stop fooling around with that guy from your office, huh?" She got real quiet after that. "Dammit, you never shut up! I get drunk because I know I have to come home to your ass!" That anger inside me... It was manifesting itself into my brain (2). I was feeling really strange. It was like something or someone was fighting me for control over my body. Finally I let go and fell into ecstasy with my demonic rage.

"So, is that how you did it, eh?" a policeman with a cigarette in his mouth and coffee in his hand said. I was getting so lost in the story that I forgot I was getting interrogated. Shit.

"Well, hold on, I'm getting to the good part if you'd just let me finish." I said very nonchalantly.

She grabbed a pan from the kitchen and tried swinging it at me. The first hit me and dazed me but everything else was hitting the air. I went to her and threw her to the ground and started choking her. but I didn't feel it was giving me the satisfaction that my devilish mind craved so badly. I got up and grabbed a nice nine inch chef knife, just sharpened. Oh, you don't know how happy I was when I heard her sweet little screams with every gash I tore into her. I really tried to savor it, but she was just human and sadly died. Luckily our son was at his friends house, spending the night there.

"Was it the neighbors that called you guys on me? Cuz' she was screaming really loud." I started to laugh.

"You think this shit is funny?" The cop slammed (3)on the steel table.

"Oh no, not at all." I tried containing some of my giggles I had.

<<So like I was saying, my kid is at his friends house. That's good because she spilled a whole lot of blood. It was on the drapes, the floor, it was everywhere. I had it all over my face. I was thinkin' 'bout washing it off but I kinda like how it looked on me. I was thinking about how to get rid of the body--acid, sea, chopped up, you know, that good stuff.

"Oh and by the way, did you ever find her body?"

"No," he said, a little disappointed. "Tell me, where did you hide it?"

Well there was only one way that I could think of that would get rid of it. I chopped her up in bite sized pieces and cooked her. She forgot to make dinner and I was hungry, It was a win win. But I couldn't eat all of her, so I started to walk around the neighborhood until I heard a dog dogs bark. Then I tossed small pieces over the fence to shut them up and get rid of her. Either they must've liked her or else I'm a good cook because they stopped yapping their mouths once I through threw it over. I kept nibbling on some of her while I was walking. Once I was all out, I started heading back to MY house and there was two of YOUR people in there. I snuck to my shed and grabbed my shotgun. I used to use it to hunt game, but I guess pig was alright too.

"That's it, I've heard enough!" he shouted and grabbed his handcuffs and slapped them on my wrists.

"Hold up, don't you want to know what happened to them? It's a happy ending at the end I promise you." He was looking at me disdainfully but sat me down again. "Boy, your you're easy to convince." I laughed.

So I grabbed my 12 gauge and was crawling in my backdoor, trying to be as quiet as I could. One went upstairs to "investigate" while the other stood downstairs looking at the bloody carpet. I ran up behind him and hit him with the butt of my shotgun and he fell like a sack of bricks. The other guy heard his thud though. But he didn't pull out his firearm and BOOM, I shot him square in the chest. He rolled down the stairs and probably broke his neck when he was falling down the stairs. I bet the neighbors were feeling pretty scared once my shotgun went off. I remembered there was the one sleeping on my floor. I decided to give him a quick death. He looked like a nice guy. Just a blast to the head was it. And then your other friends came and caught me watching TV. And now we are here in this bright room and you are breathing smoke in my face.

"Was that the happy ending? You killing two good cops and your wife? Oh, you're gonna get life, buddy, I'm going to make sure of that!"

"No, the happy ending is that I get free." He laughed and grabbed my wrists. I swiftly rammed the back of my head into his, making him lose his grip. I turned behind him and grabbed his gun, shooting the handcuffs. I shot his foot, and then held him by the neck making sure he couldn't breath. At least ten cops busted into the room and drew their guns at me. I pointed it at his head now.

"I don't want to kill this guy, but I will if you don't let me out."

"Just shoot him!" The cop was struggling to get out. I smacked him to shut up. I started to walk slowly towards the door and they all backed away.

"Now, everyone go to the left side." They stood on the wall I had to make sure none could get a clear shot so I kept moving my head behind his and walking faster. I saw the door but I had to hurry up before the cops crawled all over outside.

"Where are your keys?" I whispered in his ear. He spit on my cheek. I shot his knee. The other cops were ready to shoot. "Are you going to tell me?"

"Their They're in my right pant pocket."

"Was that so hard?" I grabbed the keys and opened the door behind me. "If any of you try to follow us, I will blow his brains out!" I tried to run with him but he had a shattered knee. We got to the car and I hit the gas, making the tires screech. For two miles, I didn't see them but I knew they were tracking me so I tried to look inconspicuous. I stopped at a deserted house and shot him in the back of the head with the seat to muffle the shot. I undressed and put on his clothes. The blood stains and hole in the pant leg could be covered up. I left him there and started walking towards a parking lot. Not much cars but it will do. I found one with the door unlocked and hotwired the car. I started driving down the road, thinking about my beautiful dead wife and my poor son.

Interesting piece. Very creepy and depressing, but interesting. You seem to have an aversion to commas. Just use one whenever you would naturally pause in a sentence. You also tend to start most sentences with "I." Try to vary the sentence structure a bit, so the piece sounds less monotonous. Another issue I saw was with contractions. http://www.englishchick.com/grammar/grconf.htm Here's something I just found that might help with that.

(1) Irritating to the point of anger? That sounds a bit silly. I think it would be better if you reworded it.

(2) Manifesting itself in his brain? Seems a bit...redundant, almost.

(3) What did the cop slam on the table? His fists? Try to clarify that.

Keep writing!

It was a decent piece that certainly had shock value. I liked how disturbing it was, but I don't think the protagonist would just become a cannibal. That's a little over the top. I liked how you set up the interrogation/flashback scene. I think you can use this piece and keep working on it to get exactly where you want to go, but I think you have a ways to come and you can get there by toning some of this down. Yes you will have the people that love it purely for the shock value, but you want to be remembered for the writing and the way the writer controls content through style. You are close to developing a unique style, but be sure you're not giving into the shock value trap.

Thanks for sharing

I really enjoyed the story, though the part where the main character went cannibal was kind of creepy. There was a lot of errors in the story, like capitalization was overlooked in many places. Punctuation, contractions, and grammar were not used in many, many places. The plot overall was good but the mechanics were off, I would look over the piece and change the many mistakes.

Keep writing!

Hey there! Hawk here for a review.

All right, so this was a very interesting piece. You certainly nailed the horror/gore part of it; part of me is disgusted with the main character while another part wants to know more about him. I think you have a good, strong story; however, the grammatical side could use some work.

I'm not going to get all nitpicky on you, since Lukasagitta pretty much covered all of the punctuation stuff, but I would like to link you to this post about dialogue punctuation, since that seems to be something you have some trouble with.

Also, you seem to have a few run-on sentences, which can make the piece feel very long. For example, take this sentence:

She grabbed a pan from the kitchen and tried swinging it at me, the first hit me and dazed me but everything else was hitting the air.

Try reading it aloud; you run out of breath during it, don't you? Not to mention the fact that it sounds very rushed. You can convey speed in an action scene without making the actual words feel rushed. Put in a few more semicolons or periods, to give the piece a more tempered rhythm. Here's an example of that sentence broken up:

She grabbed a pan from the kitchen and tried swinging it at me. Her first stroke hit me and dazed me, but her other swings only hit air.

See how that's easier to read and doesn't feel as hurried? Keep an eye out for sentences like that, where you can break them up into more readable bits.

Now, for the story itself: I think you could really up the ante with the main character. He's obviously extremely sick in the head, and perhaps some mention of this could be given, like during the part where the wife's screaming at him. She could mention how tired she is of living with a man who's off in the head or something, and he could get upset because he thinks he's perfectly normal and she's the one who's crazy (insane people often think this way, so it would kind of clue the reader in that he's deranged).

I like the part where he cooks her up; very disturbing. However, I feel like there would be a time disparity here. The wife's screaming while he's killing her, and the neighbors would call then. The police would respond immediately, and it shouldn't take them a super long time to reach his house. Certainly not enough time for him to leisurely cut her up, cook her, eat her, and casually toss bits over for the dogs.

I also have a very hard time believing this police officer who's interrogating the guy. There are quite a few parts that seem out of line for an officer.

A policeman with a cigarette in his mouth and coffee in his hand said.

An officer's not going to be bringing coffee and a cig into an interrogation; this is serious business and he's dealing with a dangerous man. It's not going to be a casual questioning. The officer needs to be focused and serious during this time. He can take a coffee break later.

He shouted and grabbed his handcuffs and slapped them on my wrists.

The criminal should already be handcuffed; he's just brutally murdered three people and performed cannibalism. The police aren't going to want to take any chances with him; they're going to keep him as incapacitated as possible so that he can't break free.

Also, officers don't bring their guns or any other weapons into the interrogation room, for the exact reason that the criminal could use it against them. So the guy's escape needs a bit of rethinking; perhaps while they're transferring him from the interrogating room to a holding cell, he could overpower the officers accompanying him and take one of their guns.

As for the ending, I think you could use a stronger last line. This is a powerful, disturbing story, and I don't feel like the last sentence has as much of a punch as it could. Maybe end it on something he's thinking about, like what he's going to do next, where he's going to go. Kind of a sinister train of thought. Thinking about his "poor son" feels odd, since the son doesn't have much of a mention in the story, and I don't know why the criminal thinks his son is poor. Because his mom is dead? I think it just use a little reworking to make it a really powerful, chilling end.

All right, so that's all I've got to say. Please let me know if you have any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work!

God bless,
~Hawk

This is [i]short [i]to you?

I loved the story. I think you should write a sequeal to this story. It was really very creepy that he ate her. I loved it! (I wonder if the dogs did?)



~Goddie

I loved the story. I think you should write a sequeal to this story. It was really good. It was very creepy, but I still loved it.