Young Writers Society

The World Outside:

There was a loud bang at the front door. Kevin started, then checked the porch through the letterbox. His emerald green eyes spotted nothing out of the ordinary, although he had no idea what was ordinary anymore. He turned to face the white kitchen door, but then cringed as he detected a horrible stench emanating from the upstairs bedroom. He gazed at the mirror on the wall opposite and attempted to puff himself up to seem more intimidating. He failed, miserably. He did't see how a fragile, five-foot eight man with the most 'nerdy' lifestyle could even seem remotely intimidating, but he did try.
He took a deep breathe as he scaled the stairs, wondering what horrors might await him. The most likely explanation was another wandering undead, but Kevin hoped to God it wasn't. A survivor would be more of a joyful discovery, but Kevin knew such a miracle would be very unlikely. A heavy panting sound was echoing from the bathroom, a bloody trail leading towards the door. Kevin gasped. 'A survivor!' he whispered, something that had seemed to come naturally since the start of the apocalypse. He brushed his chestnut brown fringe to the left of his forehead and slowly opened the door. A large man with a gaping whole in his chest was laying on the floor, trying to pull himself up by using the bath as support. He was alive. But only just. The man struggled to speak, but only managed to achieve a slurred warning.
'Zombies, the bastards are, gathering outside...'. Kevins astonished face silenced the man.
Kevin noticed a head poking through the window, dripping bloody saliva all over the pitch-back hair of the man. Kevin froze.
'Oh God' the man breathed. His mood suddenly changed. 'Help me!' he screamed, 'Kill it, now!'.
The heads body followed through the window. Kevin couldn't move.The creature wrapped its arm around the mans head, only his muffled screams of agony could be heard. The blood soaked, one-armed zombie plunged its teeth into the mans neck, making a savage sound as the blood poured into its mouth. Kevin ran for the bedroom window, but stopped suddenly as he realised his worst nightmare had come true. There was hundreds of them, flooding the childrens park and the garden opposite. Kevin took the 44 Desert Eagle from under his pillow and snatched a few magazines from his bedside table. His hand yanked down the window handle, then pushed the glass forward. He looked down at the back alley below, took a deep breath, and jumped...

DarknecrosisX,
Wow. I absolutely adored this piece of work! It was tense and exciting: everything a retelling of a zombie apocalypse should be. I totally didn't expect there to be a survivor in the bathroom, that was a great twist. And then for a zombie to come maul him?! Brilliant. Zombie films are a serious favourite of mine, so this work was right up my street
Flo x

Hi there!

Just a couple of nitpicks:

He didn't see how a fragile, five-foot eight man with the most 'nerdy' lifestyle could even seem remotely intimidating, but he did try.

You misspelled didn't, although it was most likely just a typo. And you really don't have to italicise the word remotely. We get the same idea if you just write it regularly.

Overall this is good piece. I have questions, but since you said this is only a part of a chapter, I obviously won't know the answers to them until I read the whole chapter. You did a great job getting inside your character's head and really describing his feelings. You also had some excellent imagery in this.

Keep writing!

I've always loved books and films with zombies and this is no exception. The suspense makes me want to read on. I cannot wait for the rest of the book.

Hey there! I'm Priceless and I'll be your reviewer this evening.

A large man with a gaping whole in his chest was laying on the floor, trying to pull himself up by using the bath as support.

This should be 'hole', and that's a little hard to picture. If there really was a hole in his chest (cause I'm picturing something you can see through), how would he still be alive?

'Zombies, the bastards are, gathering outside...'.

Avoid ellipses in a story like the plague.

'Oh God' the man breathed. His mood suddenly changed. 'Help me!' he screamed, 'Kill it, now!'.

This doesn't fit in here. And it's a telling sentence. Show us his eyes widening in fear. Or something.

The head's body followed through the window. Kevin couldn't move.The creature wrapped its arm around the man's head, only his muffled screams of agony could be heard. The blood soaked, one-armed zombie plunged its teeth into the man's neck, making a savage sound as the blood poured into its mouth. Kevin ran for the bedroom window, but stopped suddenly as he realised his worst nightmare had come true. There was hundreds of them, flooding the children's park and the garden opposite. Kevin took the 44 Desert Eagle from under his pillow and snatched a few magazines from his bedside table. His hand yanked down the window handle, then pushed the glass forward. He looked down at the back alley below, took a deep breath, and jumped...

Punctuation probs, and of course, eliminate the ellipses at the end. Also, what happened to the zombie in Kevin's bathroom? Shouldn't it have gone for Kevin after it was done with the other man? And, since the zombie is in Kevin's own home, shouldn't that have been the first zombie he killed instead of running out to face the rest? And I didn't understand what was up with the magazines. Why did he take magazines, of all things?

Apart from those gaps and the little nitpicks, this was great. Your writing flowed well, you drew us in with the beginning, and you have a good title. The ending was cool too, it left us wondering whatever became of Kevin. Nicely done

This is a good piece. The tension is definitely there, and you give a good twist with the zombie hoard swarming the children's park. Everything seemed to fit into place- I wasn't wondering why Kevin did this and thought that. The intro built up suspense very well. Just proofread what you write to avoid the little mistakes and typos that have been left in, and it will be even better.