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Young Writers Society


Broken Wings



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Gender: Male
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:30 am
Alfizzah says...



First I want to say. I can write better than this. I just wanted o write SOMETHING. Anyway enjoy.


In the city of Noxus strength was all that mattered. No matter what race, gender or position you were in, you would thrive if you had the strength to swing the huge battle swords of the Noxian command. It was this rule that made Riven come to greatness. When she was merely 8 years old she had the power to use the Great swords with surprising efficiency. The high command of Noxus immediately brought her into training. She trained hard, determined to rise to power.
After the years past she had eventually come to the role of a commander. She had her own troops and was very famous. She loved the air of war and battle. She ran into fights recklessly slicing enemies in her path with her humongous great sword. The great sword was inscribed with runes to highly alter her effect in battle. It was in one battle when the Noxian army was in a tough war against the Ionians that Riven found herself and her party completely surround by their enemies. Riven called for help and what she received was something much worse.
Raging machines stormed in on the battlefield unleashing a vile chemical on the army. Riven saw everybody around her fall to this gruesome plague. Ionians and Noxians fell all around her, screaming in pain.
Riven barely escaped with her life. She had seen enough of it. She could not forget what she had just seen. She ran into the dark forest away from all the battles, and smashed her great sword to severe the ties she had to the army of Noxus. She wandered the earth in self-proclaimed exile. With the power she had left in her broken great sword.
Riven traveled the lane for years looking for a place where she could fit in.
  





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Wed Oct 19, 2011 7:49 pm
Vervain says...



Hallo!

I'd like to start off... paragraph by paragraph, perhaps? Perhaps.

In the first paragraph, the second sentence could improve, in my opinion. Instead of saying "were in" you could say "maintained", since "were in" applies to all the subjects before it (race, gender and position). How often do you say "which gender are you in?" I also feel like this paragraph could be cut short after the third sentence (...made Riven come to greatness) because I think the third sentence covered the transition between the first idea and the rest. In the next sentence, "great" shouldn't be capitalised unless it's a brand name or something. Also, it seems a little... unlikely that an eight-year-old girl would be able to wield a sword (longsword? broadsword?) with much ease, unless she had prior training as well. Swords are typically... well, heavy. And sharp. That's kind of the point. xD

Second paragraph, "past" ought to be "passed". You can say "in years past", but you can say "years past" and use "past" as the verb. "Past" typically refers to a time period and not an action; "passed" is the preterite of an action verb. The second sentence is more telling, not showing. "Was very famous"? Aren't there better words? She was renowned throughout the land, she was known, feared, the people were terrified of her - give us something besides "was very famous". Sentence after the next, comma after "recklessly". Also, "humongous great sword" is redundant (again, unless "great" is a brand name or something). Then in the next sentence, further redundancy by repeating "great". You can just say "the sword" or even "it", since it was the last thing mentioned in the last sentence. I would say cut this paragraph here - I don't really get the transition of these paragraphs. They don't all have to be five to ten sentences, you know. But, "surround" should be "surrounded"; "worse" should be... some other word. "Worse than help" doesn't evoke an image; perhaps "different" would do better in that context. Comma after "battlefield". The last two sentences are especially redundant, restating the exact same idea twice; I would say remove the penultimate one, since we don't want to know what Riven saw, we want to know what happened.

Third paragraph - The first sentence is the most together piece of this idea. The second sentence could be "...seen enough of way, and she couldn't forget it" instead of having the third sentence after that. Your sentence structure is very choppy, I'm not sure if I mentioned it, and it sends your readers looking back at the sentences before and trying to fit them together. Comma after "forest", and is there a better descriptor for "forest"? Is there a suitably grim name for the forest? Darkwood, Grimtree, Stupidsmog, Shadowstone, something? If there's a suitably grim name (not as cliché as the ones I suggested, of course) then you could cut out the description and say "the dark forest of [grim name]" or "the dark forest, [grim name], away from all the battles". How could she smash her great sword, by the way? I was under the impression that swords weren't supposed to break easily. It would counteract it. Now, you'll probably respond reminding me of her previous training, but where would "breaking your own sword" figure into that? I sincerely doubt that the opposing army, whose swords they would want to break, would carry the same kind of sword as the Noxian army. The last sentence is confusing, as well; could you clear it up?

In the last line, I think you meant "land", not "lane", but that's about it.

Overall: Sentence structure, redundancy, and logical differences are what I see you need to work on. There's a bit of punctuation trouble, but not much, which is a definite relief for me. I like the idea behind it, but it could use some work. (Logic is your friend, remember.)
stay off the faerie paths
  





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67 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2314
Reviews: 67
Sun Nov 20, 2011 4:16 pm
AlfonsoFernandez says...



I think it was a good story. Although I think that you made the story a bit too fast. You should also have explained and described more of the wars that happened, and also some description of your character, so we could have a bit more background in your story. Then I also think you should have not told us that you could write better than that, because that doesn't really hook me into reading your story. I also think you should say:
"In the city of Noxus, strength was all that mattered." because the comma is important.
Other from that, I think it's very good. Keep up the nice work! =D
"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read."
- Pliny the Elder

[insert inspiring quote]
  





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67 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 561
Reviews: 67
Tue Nov 22, 2011 5:51 pm
Jalmoc says...



I enjoyed this story, but I felt like it was really rushed. You didn't really describe what the main character looked like. From what you've told us I envision a girl that is really buff, but has no definite features. What color were her eyes, her hair, or even how tall was she? Did the Noxus where heavy armor? or light-medium armor? I think that if you expanded on your information of the story, it could improve greatly!

Well I encourage you to keep writing!!!

-- Jalmoc
If you don't take a chance, you'll always live your life in regret, so let your heart show it's true colors and admit your feelings!

Tis not the blade that took your life, but the Assassin behind it.

When Reality has all but fallen away, recreate your own world
  





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Points: 941
Reviews: 7
Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:33 am
hermes92 says...



I loved this story it kept me reading. I sat on the edge of my seat not wanting to stop to breathe reading it. It was a great tale about a woman who fought in wars. Us women need that type of empowerment. Riven had a lot of power than had suffered a downfall. Afterward she eventually traveled far and wide to finally be noticed. Good story line. Keep writing.
Everything that happens has a meaning behind it
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 895
Reviews: 12
Sat Nov 26, 2011 4:57 am
Ghost42 says...



I liked it, and personally one of my best books was supposed to be a stupid short story, but turned really long and amazing, maybe you could do the same with this and turn it into a very good long book. I noticed only a few errors. I loved this poem and would recomend it to anyone.
If there is one thing I never go anywhere without, it's my pencil.
Another thing, if schools don't allow wepons, then why do they allow pens? Because, if the pen is mighter than the sword, doesn't that mean the pen is a wepon too?
  





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Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Sat Dec 03, 2011 1:05 am
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



Ok. For a short piece this is pritty good. But not perfect, not yet. First, I'd like to know when the story takes place. Long ago, in the future, that sort of thing. Second, what are these "Great swords" I get they're big and they have runes, but give me details. Where were they created, do they have special abilities, anything. Next give us some details on Riven. Was she a poor girl who got lucky? Was she of noble blood? That kind of stuff. Also, when your saying after the years pass, just say, "Years had passed," It sounds a bit better. Alos whats with the machines. Are they demonic? Are they just war machines? Other then that its golden. I'd make it into a novel if i were you.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  








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