z

Young Writers Society


Love Hates Fame



User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 915
Reviews: 1
Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:16 am
soosoolw says...



General Summary
In this world we are living, so many crises are taking place. Tony is not only a lovable bald musician/singer, but also a husband and a father to be. Until this unforgettable night after his concert, he was spending his evening with his beloved wife who was holding his first and only child, he made a mistake telling his wife to wait for him while he gets the car from the parking lot; 2 men were trying to steal money from her bag and she was begging for them to leave her, he heard her shouting for his name and heard gun shots, as he ran towards the place where his wife was standing, he found her lying down shot on the head and he could not do anything but to shout and cry for his loss.

Days and nights passed and Tony could not forget his wife and his unborn child, getting drunk and getting kicked out from a bar, he decided to get rid of his life, taking drugs with alcohol which caused him to go to a deep coma for 3 days. A secret intelligence agency heard about his story and felt like helping him by giving him a better job; for him to work for the protection of the innocent and to get his own revenge of his past. A year passed and Tony became someone he would never have thought to be, an advanced secret intelligence. He got assigned to protect a teenager, Tina, who loved adventure and neglected how much important her life could be. She ran away from her ex-boyfriend, Alex, who is trying to follow her and ask her for money. She left her family and thought of living alone, but danger is always ahead for this girl, and her neglecting caused her to get pregnant from her ex. Tony’s job is to protect this teenage lady from her ex-boyfriend and his gang, he always surprises her by attacking whoever comes near her or tries to hurt her at any ways. She tries to avoid the idea that her super hero is somewhere out there afraid to be hurt or deceived by love once again, until this one night where she got into an accident and Tony found out about her pregnancy; he decided to be protective and fix his past where he could not help his wife who passed life a year ago, but things changed for Tony, he fell in love to Tina and he could not let her know because his job does not allow him to fall in love. Will he ever show Tina that there is real love in this world and that he is different than most of the guys who are selfish and have strong ego of themselves? Will he ever know how to protect Tina when he could not protect his dead wife?
Last edited by soosoolw on Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:15 am, edited 4 times in total.
  





User avatar
60 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 595
Reviews: 60
Tue Dec 06, 2011 2:41 pm
View Likes
BrokenSkye says...



Okay first thing I would like to say is that your story has a nice structure and main idea. But it lacks details and it seems to go by a little too fast. Also you jumped from "Tony" being a famous singer/musican to a body gaurd than you start talking about "Tina". That really confused me. It seems to me that you were talking about one person than another too fast. As for "Tina" why can't she be around her ex-boyfriend? How old is she? What made her famous? And who is her hero? These are just some of the thoughts I am having about Tina. As for Tony, who was his wife? Were they going to have a boy or a girl? What did she look like? What was her name even? How old is Tony? You said at the end of the story that he is in love with her, and I love the ending. I hope that you don't just leave us hanging, but I also hope that you edit your story and give it a little more details and more of a background for the two "Tony" and "Tina".

Just because its a "short story" doesn't mean that it really has to be short. :D
Spoiler! :
[user][user][/user][/user]
If you love something let it go, if it comes back, it's your's.
  





User avatar
403 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 23786
Reviews: 403
Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:53 pm
View Likes
SmylinG says...



Hi there, Soos! :]

I had a couple things I wanted to bring up about this piece that were somewhat off-putting to the traditional style of a short story. For one, and in general, this seemed more so of an outline to a story. Perhaps, an unedited, lengthy version of a synopsis to a story. You ended the telling of the situation with questions rather than conclusions. You were speaking directly to the audience rather than for them. In order for this to work as a story, I believe you would have to fix these things that are off.

Something else that I wasn't quite fond of was your blunt angle. Instead of morphing information into easy flowing bits of scenes that make up your story, you forked out all that there was to tell in choppy increments, one after another. Until I had a fairly vague idea of what your story was about. By doing this, you gave your audience no eagerness to grow invested into what you were explaining, and what your characters were all about, and the significance of the things that had happened. It's perhaps one of the worst things you could do in writing up a story like this -- one that seems to struggle to grasp onto that need for emotional investment.

You had the tendency to scramble up your tenses to a confusing extreme. There was a lack of sold present or past tense. When writing, it's best to keep things neat and smooth by choosing a single tense to write in and stick with it. It's almost as if you sliced your story in half between a past tense style and an awkward present tense style. And even then, you mixed the two. Pick a style and stay with that. If I could pick out an example of where you went wrong with your tensing:

He got assigned to protect a teenager, Tina, who loves loved adventure and neglects neglected how much important her life could be.


There is an awkwardness about the sentence in itself, but by cleaning up the tenses to fit one pattern, you're already smoothing out the structure of your writing. So think of making those types of tweaks and try to remember to keep this smooth in the sense with all future writing.

Apart from this, I stand by my thoughts that your sentence structuring was quite sloppy much of the time. You want to not only break things down so that the information is there, but you want it to sound good being read by an audience. Sometimes I noticed that you got a little lazy in your descriptions, and you had a tendency to use simple words instead of elaborating on the ideas. It's easy to tell that you know what you're meaning to get out, but make it interesting for the audience to take in all that you wish to unravel and explain.

I don't believe this is quite a short story in itself, rather, the outline of a story you have some incentive to write. With that in mind, I say expand on this! There's no need for the briefness or the bluntness. It was only two paragraphs, and you could really do so much more with it if you simply sat down and took the time to invest in the plot and a decent ending. As well as the personalization of your characters of course.

Anyway, I hope this helps! Good luck with your writing. :]

-Smylin'
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 915
Reviews: 1
Thu Dec 08, 2011 9:27 am
soosoolw says...



You are all right about everything you said, I haven't given the whole story, only the general ideas because this is only the General Summary of the story, since then I made the summary seem as a short story.

I do have more ideas to complete the story but it would be difficult to complete it here, this is why I wrote only the summary. Didn't mean to disappoint you girls, I was just trying to give a general idea about the story. To answer most of your questions, this is when I finish writing the whole story that would be divided in to chapters
Thank you so much for the lovely comments, I really appreciated your critiques, it helps me improve :)

I was wondering would anyone of you would like to complete my story, from the summary and make it a lovely story that maybe just maybe one day I'll make it a movie, who knows? I have in mind the characters and I can describe to you everything from ideas I have in mind, only if I get an approval from you to help me complete it and I will be writing your nicknames as co-writers of my story. Deal or No Deal?
  








Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo