z

Young Writers Society


Night Life



User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 837
Reviews: 11
Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:32 am
soccerstar17 says...



A shadow emerged out of the darkness and let out a laugh that sent chills down my spine. Who the figure was, I had no idea. It became clearer and clearer as it swayed onward. It was someone tall and entirely in a black requelaire with a hood thrown over their head and a mask covering half of their face. The eyes had a slight yellow glow. The scene was of my friend’s room. Everything seemed so real and in perfect order. Olivia staggered into the picture, trying hard not to collapse from exhaustion. She seemed so tired from her game and confused because she didn’t see Julia or me in the dorm room.
“Hey I’m back,” she called. “Hello?” The masked figure came up from behind and I called a warning to her but my voice was silenced. She let out a scream of horror, but was cut off by the harsh grasp of the figure. She was running out of air for he had his hands around her neck! I didn’t know what to do. In a matter of minutes, there was a corpse on the floor.
I awoke trembling. I tried to think happy thoughts but no matter what I did I could not shake the nightmare off. I walked down stairs and went to turn on the TV for comfort. The thought occurred to me that maybe the computer might help me. I could research recurring dreams to look for answers. This is the third time this week that I have had this nightmare, ever since Olivia started to get notes in her locker. The notes were warning signs and threats. Julia and I both feared for her, and yet Olivia didn’t seem to think anything of it.
I flipped open my laptop and did a Google search. One site, said that the message in the dream might be so incredibly important or powerful that it refuses to go away until the dreamer becomes aware of the situation. Whatever the frequency of the dream, it may be highlighting a personal weakness, fear, or the inability to cope with something from the past or present. Fear, I thought. That’s all it probably is. Although it also said there may be some sort of message. Maybe I need to tell Olivia about this. The notes might be more serious than she realizes.
Olivia is a night owl so I figured she would be up. I walked over to her dorm room number 113 in my ratty purple soccer tee, fuzzy sweatpants, and short brown UGG boots. (I loved those shoes and it showed. I wore them every where including in the snow. The pair had started to turn white in spots where they had been soiled from the water sinking in to the suede.) I knocked ever so lightly on her door because if it was any louder her neighbor would here it and have my head. Megan is the kind of person that holds a glass to the door so she can eavesdrop on every sentence somebody would have to say. She is always in on the gossip. Granted no answer came but I was positive I heard some slight shuffling movement. I turned the knob, the door moaning with age.
“Olivia?” I called. She wasn’t anywhere in sight. I went to her room. I saw a painting on the wall. I was mesmerized; the item captured in the painting was a figure with a mask covering only half of his face. An electric shock shot down my spine. I went to the mini kitchen, nothing. A knife was missing from one of the slots in the knife block! She never misplaces things. Someone else was here tonight. Where were they now??
Panic rose within me. I couldn’t think. My mind was scattered and generating a million ideas all at once. I raced into the bedroom again for a second look. One of our stage props, a little teddy bear, was lying in the middle of the floor with a strange ring on it. The lamp was nearly crooked causing the light to shine on the closet door latch. I opened the closet door, the latch was broken. A tall heavy body with shiny brown hair tumbled out onto the floor. The missing knife layed cockeyed on the shelf inside the closet. I let out a scream of horror. A sickness washed over me. I saw rough red marks around her neck, forming the theory that she was strangled.
Having heard the commotion, a teacher sauntered into the room accompanied by the night guardsman. He was a corpulent man munching on a ham sandwich.
“What happened here?” said the guard.
“Did you see any strange people enter the premises tonight?” I asked.
“Not while I was here,” the guard said.
“What do you mean while you were here? Weren’t you here all night?” I asked cynically.
“Well, a man’s got to eat, right?”
I stared at him in awe. “You left to go get a ham sandwich?!!!”
“Was that wrong?” The man replied.
I immediately realized that this guy was going to be of no use to me. The teacher, Mr. Caracal, didn’t know what to do so he called the police.
It was about twenty minutes before the police finally got here. They came over to me and said that they need me to answer some questions. Apparently, they already tried to ask the guard but couldn’t distract him from the refrigerator. All the questions they asked were simply the basics. The “where were you at…” and “how did you find the area.” I didn’t mention the dreams or notes. I was not quite ready to spill everything in the world to these guys. I told them my suspicion when I saw the knife missing because Olivia has OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder. Olivia is a neat freak. She would never have left something lay in the wrong place. She wouldn’t even walk into my black hole room. Also she lines everything up so that it is straight; the lamp in the bedroom was crooked on the table. My hands were still shaking from the scene. The police asked me if I had known of any enemies or possible suspects. Megan Santana was the only person I knew of, a nasty senior at the school. Olivia was nice and social for the most part. Although, when she had something to say, there was no holding back her thoughts. Olivia is, I mean was very popular at school, so really it could have been almost anyone. At three A.M. in the morning, they left and the body was carried out. They were going to investigate in the death since there was no blood on her except some on the knife and minimal drops on the floor. I was obstinate to figure out who committed the crime.
I went back to my dorm and tried to get some sleep. For the record Staples, it wasn’t easy!

*************************

In the morning, I managed to tumble off the bed with a somewhat soft landing. Julia ran into my room. She had her middle and ring finger wrapped in athletic tape. I guessed that she may have jammed it at her volleyball game the night before.
She said in a high squeaky voice, “you have got to see this!!”
I sleepily followed her out of the room. In my personal opinion, hearing about a death of your beloved best friend that you have known from sixth grade and realizing that you possibly could have prevented her death, is not all peaches in cream, especially at six A.M. Julia was shocked. I just stared at the screen absentmindedly. When I refocused myself, Julia was staring at me waiting for a response with tears rolling down her face. Once again, at six A.M., I didn’t feel like sharing my thoughts. Finally I found something to say but it didn’t contain that much emotion, since I had already known what happened. “Wow…that’s really sad.”
“‘Sad’, is that all you have to say?!”
“Yes. Sorry, but if you don’t mind I’m going to go now.”
I left Julia in surprise and headed toward the worst class in the world, Calculus. Honestly, I know that math is important but why do I have to repeat myself one hundred times about what “x” equals.
After first period, came our drama session of the day. We played the remote game. This is a fun game to watch but hard to participate. It puts you on the spot and you must improv with your partner as if you were a star on TV. One person acts like they have a remote, and control you. You choose what you are doing but the remote holder can say pause, rewind, fast play, or channel change.
It was a tough crowd today because by now every one had heard of the previous night’s incident. Olivia had the main part in the play. Everyone couldn’t help but wonder who the replacement was. We might have to have re-auditions for the lead and a couple of the side parts. Ironically the play is And Then There Were None, by Agatha Christie. I am playing Vera Clay Thorne.
School continued to drag on for seven more hours. By the end of the day I had accumulated so much homework that I had to literally drag my bag all the way back to my room. It took me four hours to do all of my homework! Insane, right?
I took the rest of my evening just to relax. Tears started to descend from my eyes. Since no one was with me I could finally stop holding back. I thought about all the great funny times Olivia and I had, and that we would never experience any more. I thought about the person who committed the crime and that they felt no pain. I thought about how the good people die and the killers never pay a price. When they kill, they take the life of one along with the hearts of thousands. I pondered if they had a red or stone heart themselves, if one at all. I thought about motives and reason. “Why?!” I screamed to the walls which locked me in, half expecting an answer. I wiped away the tears and gave a jangled laugh. It was the kind of laugh that made the skin crawl and spoke of sweet, sweet revenge.
Day turned to night as my eyes and mind plummeted into the depths of the world, a menacing black world where my vivid dreams took place. It was the same thing as before but now there were two figures. The one in the background had the white mask on I had seen before. It was elegant with glitter swirled up the side. The new figure was entirely black with a shiny red ring on his finger. I had seen that ring before, it was Jason’s ring. I heard a soft little rustling noise. The guy with the ring quick put the body in the closet. He had to keep pushing it back because it wanted to fall out. Then they raced toward the fire escape. The door closed silently as I stepped into the room. I tried to wake myself, knowing the rest of the story. I didn’t want to go through it again.
In the morning I trudged to school. I avoided eye contact with Mr. Caracal. He probably had something to say about last night and I probably didn’t want to hear it. After school, we had play practice which led to drama. The lights were dimmed and three people walked onto the stage. A spotlight was cast on them and the trio began to act. Everything here seemed to be normal. Alex, Megan and Jason were strong actors. So was Julia, but her scene wasn’t up yet so she wasn’t here. I slinked up and around the stage so I wouldn’t interrupt them. Jam walked by as soon as I stepped into the backstage zone. His real name is James Miller, but everybody calls him Jam because he is head of the music department. “What’s up?” I asked.
“Nothin’ much, you?”
“A lot,” I replied with a sigh. “Did you hear about Olivia?”
“Yeah, the report said she was strangled and used the knife for self defense. I’m honestly not surprised. She had the lead in the play and this is the House of Drama. There are girls here who are desperate to be on stage leading the show. They think they would die if they weren’t on stage with everyone’s eyes on them. I’ve seen it a thousand times. They hadn’t gone as far as murder before but we got a lot of new people at the school this year.”
Intrigued I asked if he had any suspicions. He said, “Megan or possibly Jason.”
“Jason?” I was confused.
“Well, Olivia could be mean with words occasionally. She was dating him too, but then he got angry with her and their relationship was over. He never told anyone what she did. I think he was involved in a love triangle. Not exactly sure though who the other person was.”
“Thanks Jam,” I said. As I was walking away I bumped into the prop basket and stuff tumbled every where. I reached out to pick it up when I noticed one of the items was the one from the crime scene. I inspected it to see that it had a deep red little stone ring. I hadn’t noticed that someone was behind me and when I whirled around Jason was hovering over me with a sly grin on his face.
“What have we got here,” he said. “Somebody’s digging through the prop bin. Did we forget the rules?” his deep voice resonated throughout the room. He pulled me aside and the ring fell out of my hand and spiraled to the floor with a soft clink. For a moment he just stared at it. His fist clenched the ring so hard his knuckles turned white. Anger poured out of him. “There’s my ring!” He took a step closer. He scared me now. I didn’t know what to do so I tripped him … what can I say I’m not great at thinking of mean things.
“I didn’t do anything! Why am I the one being tortured day and night by dreams and memories that weren’t my fault!! Were you trying to bury your dirty little secret and blame it on me?! You killed her didn’t you? Answer me! Did you kill her?!” He was shaking so badly.
“No. Calm down. I’m trying to figure it out too. I will help you but you have to tell me what you know,” I asked.
“Somebody took my ring the night before Olivia died,” He was still shaking but not as bad. “As you know they found it at the crime scene with the teddy bear stage prop. I gave the bear to Olivia when we were dating and we offered to use it as a stage prop. I couldn’t believe that they were both there. Whoever did it tried to frame me. I felt awful and like somehow it was my fault. When I saw you with it and snooping I thought maybe you did it and that I had caught you.”
“So this person had to have been close enough to Olivia and you. After you two broke up, who did Olivia date?” I asked.
“Malachi Andrews went after her. I hate him. He always beats me at everything. Acting though was my thing and he failed horribly at it. Then he stole Olivia away from me on purpose.”
“Maybe he did this so when he framed you, it would look more believable if you were already really mad at both of them. Why would he want to kill Olivia?”
“I don’t know, nothing makes any sense,” he said.
“I know why.” A deep voice was disguised by the curtains. A tall man in a black t-shirt and jeans stepped out from behind the blue curtain. He was accompanied by a short, blonde girl with green eyes, Julia. “He killed Olivia for his true love.”
It took a minute for the words to sink in and for me to realize Julia and, I guess, Malachi were talking about themselves. Disgusted by my friend and her secret I took a step back. “You even cried fake tears in the morning. I can’t believe you,” I cried.
“I know I’m an incredible actress. Olivia didn’t deserve to get the lead in the play I did! I worked for hours, practicing time and time again. This year the headmaster from Julliard College was coming to see us perform and look for people they would want at their school! So I asked him to take Olivia out of the picture and then I would be chosen to play the lead!” She kept getting closer and closer to me. She seemed so proud of her virtuoso plan. I was roommates with a murderer! The two of us had worked our way onto the stage. Julia took out a switch blade. The silver surface gleamed in the light. She sighed, “One down, you and Jason to go.”
I had forgotten about Jason, apparently Malachi had too. I glanced over he was sprawled across the floor. My parents always told me never to commit a ‘hit and run’ but Jason made the right decision. Alex and Megan had finished their scene earlier. I was alone with her now. I had bumped into the wall, but I wasn’t cornered. The blood on the knife at the crime scene must have been a desperate attempt out of self defense. She lashed out at Julia and Malachi and got the tip of Julia’s finger. My hands groped for something to use as self defense. I grasped the lead pipe prop that we were going to use for the murder scene in the play. I swung up and deflected her first strike. The second strike was hard to deflect. She twirled the knife around and made a jagged gash in my wrist. I yelped.
Police officers rushed in and caught her and I red handed, literally from our own blood. I was relieved to see them.

********************************

Three weeks ago school was pretty rough, but I’m starting to like it again. The House of Drama presented their play And Then There Were None tonight. The whole school had trouble containing there excitement. School was pretty boring though and in Calculus we are now doing even more stupid things. I hate math. I got a lot of homework as usual and went to the last rehearsal. They announced that everybody gets to go home early today so we can relax and stay with our parents a little before the show. My bus took forever to come.
When I finally got home I greeted my mom and dad and we talked about all the good things in life. She already knew the bad things so we avoided going over it again. I ran into my room and took out a folded slip of paper. It was the letter I had gotten from the drama school saying that I had been accepted into the school.
Congratulations!! You have been accepted to come to the House of Drama: School for the truly talented. This upcoming semester has lots of fun events, but a lot of hard work that you will have to commit to. We feature many extra curricular activities to join such as, sports, writer’s class, and music and voice. Our motto is from Albert Einstein “learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.”
I tucked the slip back into the envelope and hid it within my book case. A little folded corner peeked out from behind so I could still find it if necessary.
“Jerica,” My mom was calling for me, because my friend had arrived. Excitement filled me. I ran down the stairs and jumped off at the end, then slid down the hallway in my socks. My extremely blonde hair swung behind me.
“Slow down there miss sunshine!” my mom laughed. I opened the front door, but I didn’t see him. Something lunged at me from the side of the house and I screamed.
“Chill out,” he said catching me in his arms. I gazed up at Alex and melted in to his warm, care free smile.
“What a jerk!” I said giggling. “Why don’t we go to the ice cream shop downtown? Jason can meet us there.”
“Okay, plus there’s a candy store right be side it!”
“Yeah, more sugar,” I said sarcastically. “Let me tell my mom and we’ll go.”
Alex and I both had a crush on each other when we met at school; it just took us awhile to see it. He was tall with compelling blue eyes. He was a man of sharp witticisms.
I got a cone with a creamy chocolate scoop. It was delicious. The three of us walked down to the school for the performance. Jason went in before us and right when Alex and I went to walk in he gave me a kiss. My only thought was about how scattered my life seemed to be but it always, worked out.
He who laughs last, should do so from a safe distance.
  





User avatar
18 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1314
Reviews: 18
Sun Dec 11, 2011 8:40 pm
lili024 says...



It is a good story!
Spoiler! :
I can't believe Julia is the killer.She is the person I less suspected
You are great keep it up!
[insert clever signature here]
  





User avatar
22 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1590
Reviews: 22
Sun Dec 11, 2011 9:14 pm
Xyra says...



That is a really well-written story! There's very little for me to pick on, just that I don't feel that the last couple of paragraphs didn't feel like they added anything to the story. If you had more background about Alex, or if he was a more prominent character and we were already all like "ooh they should date" Other than that it was very well written and enjoyable!!!
More Than Words Can Say
Forever Yours
Xyra Pekkala


PS I will love you forever if you review my story Maia (revised version!)
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=92852
I'll review something of yours in return :P
  





User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 837
Reviews: 11
Mon Dec 12, 2011 1:03 am
soccerstar17 says...



thanks guys! I will try to figure in alex more when I go back and edit it. :)
He who laughs last, should do so from a safe distance.
  





User avatar
308 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 25520
Reviews: 308
Wed Dec 14, 2011 9:28 am
AlfredSymon says...



Good day Soccerstar! Well, well, well; we have an athlete here.

I hate you, you know why? Because you made my favorite character become the killer! O come one!

Anyways, I love reading these kind of stories wherein there are many puzzles and mysteries to be solved and the reader himself can pitch in to solver it (Well, I did anyway :). The main reason why I love reading these is because I myself can't write real brainbuster mysteries. I did right a few, but they turned out to be more of suspense or horror.

About the technical parts: your structure seems to be heavily checked; I found no flaw. I think your word choice is very creative too.

About the plot: I simply adore the way you hid the characters and revealed suspects. Great work on that!

Spoiler! :
Oh yeah, almost forgot. If you have time, can you give me some hints in writing mysteries. I'd really appreciate it if you do ;)


That's all I think. Over-all rating: :P :) :) :) :|

Your pal,
Al ;)
Need some feed? Then read some! Take a look at today's Squills at In the News.

The Tatterdemalion takes a tattle!

"Stories are like yarn; just hold on to the tip and let the ball roll away"
  





User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 837
Reviews: 11
Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:53 pm
soccerstar17 says...



Ahhh! Thanks sooo much, I'm literally shrieking with excitement because you guys actually like my story!! Your comments mean sooo much to me. :)
He who laughs last, should do so from a safe distance.
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 1362
Reviews: 16
Tue Dec 20, 2011 2:08 am
MusicLover797 says...



Hey,
This story was very well written. i liked how it was suspenseful from beginning to end. i like the enthusiasm you put into the story and how it had an unsuspected killer.

However, there were a few things that would make this amazing story even better. Toward the beginning you kept switching from first person to third person and it was a little confusing.i also think it moved too fast. you could have added the little details and made it move a little slower because it was getting really good then it ended you know what i mean? I suggest that you add a little more to the plot to slow it down a little. I am not trying to judge because it really was excellent but this is just a suggestion. Other than these minor details it was truly spectacular.

i was at the edge of my seat the whole time. i didnt expect the killer and it kept me reading. I like how you had the irony of the play they were doing and i loved the suspence.

Thank you for writing something that could keep me interested. i love it.

-MusicLover797
  





User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 837
Reviews: 11
Thu Jan 26, 2012 2:25 am
soccerstar17 says...



Hey my teacher just returned our stories graded and she didn't like mine. Knowing you guys did, helps a lot!!
He who laughs last, should do so from a safe distance.
  








Who knew Kansas City had its own branch of the Yakuza?
— Jason Sudeikis