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Young Writers Society


Life After I Died (Part 1)



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Gender: Female
Points: 1362
Reviews: 16
Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:08 am
MusicLover797 says...



He held the gun to my face as I trembled with terror. He had complete control over me and he knew it. Things had got so twisted the last few days and I cant remember how or why I was being held at gun-point by someone I didn't recognize. As I heard the trigger being pulled, all i could see was red.Was it my blood? If not then what is it? All I knew was that I had just died. Someone killed me and now I was now dead.It didn't hurt like I would have expected. It felt more like someone had pinched me in the forehead and then it was over.

I wondered how I had come to this. I thought about my life,my wife, and my son. Then I heard it. A voice that had seemed so different and so far away.

"Come on baby.Wake up. You need to take Scarlett to school and you have work today. Remember you just got that new job? WAKE UP!" Said the voice of a woman.

Who was she and who was Scarlett? What was she talking about? I was confused and as I opened my eyes I saw before me a beautiful woman. She was very pretty but she was not my love. I stared at her in awe and I tried to figure out where I was.

As I looked around she greeted me with a kiss and i quickly pulled away. She looked shocked and told me to go get my daughter. My daughter? What was she talking about? She looked irritated and got out of the bed. A few minutes later she returned to the room.

"The baby sitter came for her." She said in a honey voice.

I didn't want to be rude so I asked her what was going on. When she got a confused look on her face I explained everything. Apparently she had read several books on reincarnation. She looked at me with sympathy and introduced herself.

"I am Veronica. We got married 5 years ago and 2 years ago we had a daughter. We couldn't decide a name at first but it hit us when she was born and had deep scarlett-red hair." She explained.

I looked at her and she looked at me. "I dont know who killed me. But I will Find him, and I WILL murder him" I said in a tired voice.

"And I will help" She said with a sly smile "Anyone who messes with my family deserves to die."
Last edited by MusicLover797 on Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:15 am
Seraph says...



Wow. Even though it was short, it was a powerful and gripping intro. Very interesting indeed. However... I did find one error in here...
by my won son.


I think what you meant to say here was the word "own" and not "won".

Other than that... I have found great enjoyment reading this and would like to keep reading the next parts as they come out. I hope that you keep giving us what you gave here!

Thanks, and keep writing! :D
"At this very instant, I augment the spacetime that permeates and weaves our beings."
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1362
Reviews: 16
Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:34 am
MusicLover797 says...



Thank you. I just added more and I fixed error.
  





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Tue Dec 20, 2011 4:20 am
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spyritsentry says...



The idea was interesting and it was well put together. I found it a bit quick but that is probably because you haven't gotten to the full story yet. I enjoyed it and you should definatly continue it. Thank you for the good creation.
  





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Mon Dec 26, 2011 11:02 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hello! Hawk here for a review. :)

All right. I think you've got an interesting start here. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what's going on. There seem to be a lot of unsaid facts here that you haven't supplied yet. For example, is the narrator actually dead? I'm guessing he's just been brought back to life by his wife -- does this make him a zombie of sorts? You bring in all of this information really quickly and not in the clearest manner; I'm hoping to help you flesh out the storyline and clear up the confusing parts. Let's start with the first paragraph.

There's a lot of information just in this first paragraph alone. The narrator's relating the fact that he's going to be killed -- and then he is. And all throughout this scene, it feels like there's a certain detachment from the narrator. He's just telling us what's going on; he's not showing us through descriptions or dialogue or anything. And this doesn't make it seem quite as shocking or scary or anything else. It's just something that happened, and it doesn't seem to have had much of an effect on him. I think you can really spice this up and infuse it with tension and intrigue. It's always important to make the first part of your story really interesting, hooking your reader immediately and reeling them in. The events that are happening at the beginning are certainly interesting; however, the way you narrate them doesn't draw the reader in as much as it could.

Let's take a look at the way you could rewrite this so it feels like it's happening in real time, with someone who we don't know but instantly are interested in, just because he's in a horrible situation and we're worried about the outcome.

Start out with description; what's the narrator feeling? What sort of thoughts are going through his head? Show us what's going on by using descriptive sentences. For example, I've rewritten some of the first paragraph in a different way by showing the details and using some thoughts.

I trembled with terror as he held the gun to my face. He had complete control over me and he knew it. How had I gotten to this point? I didn't recognize this man, with an evil grin, who literally held my life in his hands. I started to raise my hands in a placating gesture -- but then he pulled the trigger, and I died.


See how that sounds a little more engaging? It draws the reader in more and it gives them something to picture, but not just from being told straight out. There's information embedded in the sentences that the reader has to infer for him or herself. Play around with descriptions and ask yourself whether you've succeeded in making it sound as exciting and intriguing as possible.

One last thing to say on the subject of showing versus telling: it's a common problem for writers! It can be very easy to just write out everything that happens without infusing it into the text in a more creative way. So take a look at this post here which gives some good tips on how to show instead of tell.

Now, onto the rest of your story. I think you've got an interesting twist by making it so the wife can reincarnate people; expand upon that now! You don't make it very clear what happened regarding the whole situation. As best as I can tell, the husband was killed and has been brought back by his wife, who's learned how to do that by books.

However, I'm confused as to why the narrator doesn't seem to remember who this woman is, or what his previous life was. He can remember that he was killed and he knows that his wife can reincarnate people, but he doesn't know who she is, or who their daughter is, or anything else? That doesn't seem to make sense. Unless there's a specific reason why he wouldn't remember that, it doesn't seem likely. Try to flesh this part out a little more by giving us some background - you can do this through dialogue and such - and explaining why he knows what he knows.

Another thing I'd like to see is more description of the characters and setting. Right now, I don't have anything to picture when you mention the wife or husband, and I don't even know where they are right now. Give us a glimpse into the place they are at, and tell us a little more about the appearance of the characters.

The last thing I want to mention is your dialogue punctuation. You've got some misplaces commas and periods and such; if you tidy this up, it'll make the story look a lot cleaner and easier to read. Take a look at this post; it does a great job of explaining where those tricky little commas are supposed to go.

So, overall, I think you've got a good start and the beginning of a potentially thrilling novel. It just needs some fleshing out, with more details, to give it a good steady pace, as well as some more explanation as to the settings, characters, and background. These are more technical details and shouldn't be too hard to do!

Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot. Hope this helps. :)

Cheers!
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  








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