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Redemption



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29 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 571
Reviews: 29
Thu Jan 05, 2012 7:14 pm
Benrobertringrose says...



Redemption


How far would you go to right a wrong?


I am, by no means naïve, nor am I in denial. I completely accept the reasons why I’m now alone; to a certain degree I would say I understand them. Yet this makes it by no means easier. As it happens, it makes it worse. I sit alone, in the local. People say hello, but they have no desire to sit and chat. They all know what I am, what I’ve done. I yearn to tell them, to explain I’ve changed. I was younger then, well not so much younger in years, but the experiences, they’ve changed me. Twenty-five years in prison seems to have that affect on a man’s soul. The pub is busy with activity, the air feels stuffy, an uncomfortable heat. The landlord is a friendly chap, big in both height and width. He has a kind smile, lined by a great grey wispy moustache. He is perhaps the only one who treats me with any hint of decency.
“Same again Giles?” he asks reaching for my empty glass, as if he already knows my response.
“No, no thank you Trev, I think I’ll get on, have an early night”. With that I drag myself from my stool, slightly unsteady on my feet.


Desperate to reach the exit I push through the mass of bodies, they don’t yield for me too pass. Its as if they purposefully try to obstruct my way. I politely try to get through; my persistence pays off as a small path is formed. A few nod, nothing more. Others, they stare expressionless, but I know all too well what they are thinking. Can I truthfully blame them?


I force open the heavy oak doors, for early December the night is mild, the slight breeze in the air sweeps over me, running through my dark coarse hair. It’s a long walk back home, but I’m glad, I find walking helps settle my troubled thoughts. I stumble along; the moon is bright lighting my way. The noises from the pub and the village slowly fade, and a comforting silence replaces it. The walk is tiring, I contemplate stopping to rest, I am sweating heavily now but I press onwards. I want to be home, to lock my door and escape.


The distant sound of screaming drifts towards me carried by the wind. At first I think it’s a trick of the mind, a mere game that the wind often plays with me. Then the screams get louder. They are no longer a trick of the mind; they are real, alarmingly real. Tiredness forgotten, I run. In the distance I see an orange glow, a glow I’m far too familiar with. It’s fire. I run faster now towards it, legs and arms pumping. I tumble around the final bend. The house looms in front of me, ablaze. Momentarily I stood frozen, mesmerized by the sheer beauty of the fire. A loud tearing noise interrupts my daze, pulling me back to reality in time to see a side of the house crash to the ground. Screams continue to fill the air; the high pitch screech of terror resonates in my head. There is a crowd gathered, but no one seems to be doing anything.


I run towards the house, I don’t think about it, I just act. No one attempts to stop me but I didn’t expect them too. I’m at the door; the sheer heat of the building has already greeted me, daring me closer. I’m sweating again, kicking the once beautiful blue door down, I storm into the hall. The fumes rush over me, sticking too my face, clogging my throat. I lift my jumper to cover my mouth but it does little to help. A quick scan of the hall shows me things are not in a good way. The fire has spread through the bottom floor; the kitchen down the hall and to my left has flames leaping from the doorway. The living room on my right is currently untouched. But it’s empty. Inside the house the screams are nothing more than a whisper over the roar of the fire.
“Where are you?” I cry, but it comes out as a coughed splutter. No response, I move towards the stairs, they seem fit to crumble around me. I’m coughing worse now; the screams seem to have stopped. More urgently I will myself up the stairs. The second floor is worse, the fire skirts the floors rising gently, I no longer see the beauty in it. Now it’s a menacing snake swirling towards me. I meet it head on. A whimper in the bedroom furthest away reignites my hope. The door is slightly ajar; flames and smoke alike slither in. I try to move towards the door and then I fall. I consider lying there on the floor, inhaling the fumes that will surely finish me before long. I will not give in. I can’t. I won’t. I crawl to my feet, I focus on the dull pain in my arms where I cushioned my fall, it seems the only thing keeping me conscious. I find myself at the door, how I got there is nothing more than a blur. But I’ve made it.



I push the door fully open; flames follow me in licking at my heels, burning me. It’s a child’s room, that is instantly clear. Teddy bears sit seemingly untouched, unaware. Photos of a young family hang from the baby blue walls. But I’m only marginally aware of all this, for in the furthest corner of the room, a young girl is curled into a ball. Alone. My strength seems to return as I now run to her. She is so light in my arms as I lift her; she barely stirs, as if sleeping. Her light blonde hair is swept over her eyes, she looks somewhat peaceful. She is alive though, I do not know how I know this, maybe it’s just a fool’s hope but I have to get her free of this burning house. It occurs to me that her parents may be stranded else where in the house, but what can I do. As I leave the room the building seems to slowly deteriorate around me. I have to leave. Coughing, barely able to breathe I stagger to the stairs which miraculously are still intact. I’m halfway down the stairs; I can see the door in front of me. A final surge of strength and I’m free of the burning house. My vision blurs and my balance wavers. A man from the crowd rushes to me, its Trevor from the pub. I push the young girl on to him and fall. I hear the sound of sirens as I struggle for air; flashing blue lights illuminate the trees in the distance. I send a silent prayer that the girl will be saved, and then the tightness in my chest seems to ease, my senses seem to desert me. One thought lingers, Does saving a life make up for taking one? I don’t know the answer to this, I guess I never will. But as I close my eyes I feel almost content.
  





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66 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3055
Reviews: 66
Fri Jan 06, 2012 12:17 pm
Angelreader77 says...



Hey Ben!
Nice story there. I really like your writing style and how you've introduced the characters into the story. You haven't rushed it; with enough descriptions and dialog in the story.
The beginning of the story is good and I like how Giles tells the reader how he isn't really accepted by the society. In fact, your first few sentences really got me in, especially when he says he understands the reason people leave him alone.
A thing I've noticed though, quite a few of your sentences trail off, long with commas and sort of confused me. You can either shorten them, or use semicolons.
Benrobertringrose wrote:I was younger then, well not so much younger in years, but the experiences, they’ve changed me.

Like this one. It isn't as long, but it doesn't seem quite right. How about: I was younger then, well not so much in the years as in the experiences. They've changed me.
Your descriptions and use of imagery is quite good.
Benrobertringrose wrote:Desperate to reach the exit I push through the mass of bodies, they don’t yield for me too pass. Its as if they purposefully try to obstruct my way.

The first sentence didn't make sense to me. I feel it isn't framed right. How about:Desperate to reach the exit I push through the mass of bodies but they don’t yield.
Also your use of too. I think it was typo and you meant to?
And also Its. It's easy to confuse yourself between its and it's.
Its- That is used for possessions.
It's- That's a contraction of It is.
I feel like congratulating you on your use of present tense in this story. In general it's really hard to do and you've pulled it off admirably. :D
Benrobertringrose wrote:No one attempts to stop me but I didn’t expect them too. I’m at the door;

Only here, I found that you've diverted from present tense. :)
Towards the end I feel the paragraphs are getting longer... How about splitting into two? It makes it easier for the reader.
I like the suspense you've built in the story; on why Giles went to prison. On that note, I really like the ending of your story.
Keep writing :D
Angel
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen
  





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Reviews: 553
Mon Jan 09, 2012 3:59 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey Ben!

Thanks for requesting a review. I hope it would help you. :)

“Same again, Giles?” he asks reaching for my empty glass, as if he already knows my response.
When you refer someone you need to have commas. I think you already knew that.

It's as if they purposefully try to obstruct my way.
Its is for showing belonging, and it's the short form for 'it is'. Here you need it is and hence it's.

Others, they stare expressionless, but I know all too well what they are thinking.
'they stare expressionless'? It's just not fitting in. You need they stare , their faces expressionless.

Can I truthfully blame them?
I don't really get the point of having 'truthfully' here. You could have simply done with 'really'.

I force open the heavy oak doors, for early December the night is mild, the slight breeze in the air sweeps over me, running through my dark coarse hair.
The part before the first comma doesn't need to be included in the sentence. It's an independent one.

Momentarily I stoodstand frozen, mesmerized by the sheer beauty of the fire.
You have been writing the entire store in present tense. :) Remember?

The fumes rush over me, sticking too my face, clogging my throat.
It is 'to' you need.


Ben, so this was a nice story. I like how you had a message there and you didn't even have to work hard to get it across. Just one line in the end really gave a moral value to the story.

The one thing I liked is that you do not really tell what mistake MC had committed, which is kind of mysterious in a good way. Besides you didn't even leave much-you told he had taken a life. I like this approach very much.

Besides that, the other thing I liked were your words. You had a good mixture of nice words and I think you really have a talent in using them-without looking like you're throwing them at your readers. You can balance the words. :)

I still have some points I'd like to mention:

1.Your sentence structure. Your sentences are way too long sometimes, which is not particularly bad, provided the parts of the sentence really need to stick together. You had so many sub-sentences in one sentence-they could very easily be independent. Giving short, crisp sentences is also an art and the reader is always attracted towards it.

2.You need to work on your 'to' and 'too' concept. I had pointed one instance where you had a problem but I noticed it elsewhere. You have got a confusion between the two. I'd say it's not really a big issue.

3.Try splitting your work into more paragraphs. Having huge chunks of paragraphs also drives readers crazy. It wasn't really that way in your story, but I can say that I'd have loved the story more if it were in more paragraphs-short and neat.

Basically, the problems your writing had were grammar related. You have a good story here, a good writing style and I think it'd help in this story to maybe recount some facts from those days without ending the suspense of how he killed a person. Besides that, you could maybe shorten down descriptions and work on getting more thoughts.

That's all I have to say. Your story was nice, and I wish you all the best with it. :)

Hope this helps.

Mia!
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 456
Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:01 am
Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review!

I am, by no means naïve, nor am I in denial.

There should be a comma after means because by no means is a fragment interrupting your complete sentence.

to a certain degree I would say I understand them.

There should be a comma after degree.

Yet this makes it by no means easier.

Yet is a conjunction, and you should never start a sentence with a conjunction because it makes your sentence into a fragment. But, by the way this sentence is structured you need the word yet, so add a comma after yet. Add a comma after it and means as well because once again you have interrupted your sentence with the fragment by no means.

The pub is busy with activity, the air feels stuffy, an uncomfortable heat.

Because you are combining two complete sentences, the comma after activity should be a semi-colon (;).

He has a kind smile, lined by a great grey wispy moustache.

There should be a comma after great and grey because you have three adjectives that describe his mustache. Also, there is no o in mustache.

He is perhaps the only one who treats me with any hint of decency.

There should be a comma after is and after perhaps because perhaps is disrupting your sentence.

“Same again Giles?”

There should be a comma after again because you addressing someone by their name.

he asks reaching for my empty glass, as if he already knows my response.

There needs to be a comma after asks.

“No, no thank you Trev, I think I’ll get on, have an early night”.

There should be a comma after you because you addressing someone by their name. The comma after Trev should be a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences together.

Desperate to reach the exit I push through the mass of bodies, they don’t yield for me too pass.

There should be a comma after exit, and the comma after bodies should be a semi-colon. Too should be to.

Its as if they purposefully try to obstruct my way.

It's should have an apostrophe because it's a conjunction of it is.

I force open the heavy oak doors, for early December the night is mild, the slight breeze in the air sweeps over me, running through my dark coarse hair.

This is a run-on sentence. The comma after doors should be a semi-colon. There should be a comma after December. The comma after mild should be a period, and you should capitalize the t in the.

It’s a long walk back home, but I’m glad, I find walking helps settle my troubled thoughts.

The comma after glad should be a semi-colon.

the moon is bright lighting my way.

There should be a comma after bright.

The walk is tiring, I contemplate stopping to rest, I am sweating heavily now but I press onwards.

The comma after tiring should be a semi-colon. The comma after rest should be a period, and there should be a comma after now. Onwards should be onward.

The distant sound of screaming drifts towards me carried by the wind.

This sentence doesn't make much sense; try rewriting it so you can make more sense out of it.

I run towards the house, I don’t think about it, I just act.

The comma after house should be a semi-colon, and the comma after it should be a period.

No one attempts to stop me but I didn’t expect them too.

There should be a comma after me because you are combining two complete sentences together with the conjunction but.

I lift my jumper to cover my mouth but it does little to help.

There should be a comma after mouth because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.

The living room on my right is currently untouched. But it’s empty.

The period after untouched should be a comma, and the b in but should be lower cased.

I find myself at the door, how I got there is nothing more than a blur. But I’ve made it.

The period after blur should be a comma, and the b in but should be lower cased.

Photos of a young family hang from the baby blue walls. But I’m only marginally aware of all this, for in the furthest corner of the room, a young girl is curled into a ball. Alone.

The period after walls should be a comma, and the b in but should be lower cased; never start a sentence with a conjunction. The period after ball should be a comma, and the a in alone should be lower cased. a sentence cannot just contain one word, no matter how artistic you think it is.

Her light blonde hair is swept over her eyes, she looks somewhat peaceful.

The comma after eyes should be a semi-colon.

A man from the crowd rushes to me, its Trevor from the pub.

The comma after me should be a semi-colon, and it's should have an apostrophe.

I don’t know the answer to this, I guess I never will. But as I close my eyes I feel almost content.

The comma after this should be a semi-colon, and the period after will should be a comma; the b in but should be lower cased, and there should be a comma after eyes.

I really enjoyed reading this. Other than the grammatical errors I didn't find anything I disagreed with. If you ever need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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