Young Writers Society

A hot July mid-afternoon smiles across a suburb in Michigan. It is Sunday and people lay in their yards daydreaming, watching their water sprinkler's spit across the lawn. Iridescence splashes across the muggy sky. Humidity lulls among the trees and the supermarket stores. A lanky gentleman sits on a bench outside a crowded shopping center.
"Is it time yet, dude? I'm so fucking psyched for this. We're going be to walking in there all casual and shit and be fucking glamorous with our hot shark skin suits. It's going to fuckin' rock, dude."
The lanky gentleman behind his sunglasses and his newspaper rolls his eyes. "Shut up, idiot. It's not time yet. Wait for the signal."
"Sorry, I'm just fucking psyched, dude."
"And stop walking around like a queer. You're drawing too much attention to yourself. You can't be walking around with your hands being all manic. You're lucky we even got you a suit at least that makes you look a little respectable. We didn't want you looking too much like a fool."
The gentleman sat with polished shoes and turned the page.
"Right, right. Sorry, man. I'm just fucking psyched." The psyched gentleman throws around his arms like they are Frisbees for dogs to fetch.
The lanky gentleman checked his leather watch for the fiftieth time that afternoon. It was almost 3 o clock.

Meanwhile, a blonde boy with curly locks of hair hugging close to his head sat in a tan colored car parked on a dirty cracked parking lot. The engine was running. It roared like a lion on the savannah. Jude watched the bench with the lanky gentleman pretending to read and the manic one rushing around him with his hands in the air. He grinned as he sat back on cream-colored leather. His blue eyes rolled over to watch the clock and saw it was time.
"Shift gears. Don't rush it, just drive, kid." He remembered the famous lines of an actor in some Sixties movie.

The lanky gentleman spoke to the manic shark. "Let's do this. Ready Caleb?" Aiden walked to the automatic doors of fluorescent freshness and bright colored produce. He casually throws away his newspaper. It read yesterday's date.
"Put on your lenses and smile for the camera, Caleb. This is it. Rashad is already in there and all we gotta do is make our move."
They walked in and looked into the camera with their sun lenses and grinned like sharks.
Rashad was already at the check out counter in gray suit attire and a blue tie dangling from his neck. The dark exaggerated lenses hid a man of character. "Will that be all for you, sir?" The cashier lady asked him in a kind manner.
"Sure. Sure." He wore a toothy grin and just as he was about to place his change into his back pocket, the shots rang out.
"This is a fucking stick up!" Yelled out Caleb.
"Give us all your fucking money, people! We don't want any causalities lying on the ground for maggots to chew on." Aiden walked up to an old lady with wrinkles on top of wrinkles. She wore a floral dress and snow-white hair. His black pistol glittered like black gold under the bright lights as he pushed it up against her breast.
"I'd hate to see your obituary in the paper, miss. I don't like reading about old people getting shot. So if you know what is good for you you'll be happy to hand me that wallet of yours."
Rashad had pulled out his gun and was already getting money from the cashier in a paper sack.
Caleb ran back and forth from door to door pointing the gun at random people and yelling at them.
“No funny stuff! No funny stuff! I don't want to see any funny stuff going on here! No funny stuff here! Nofunnystuff...!" He even fired a couple of warning shots to a couple he saw reaching for a cell phone. "I don't want any funny stuff, ya hear?"
"I like to keep it straight and simple! Just pass the bag around and put in all your money and jewels. I want to leave saving a lot of money. I want to be a satisfied customer coming out of here."
Rashad monitored the passing of the paper sack. Everyone appeared calm and sweaty with pores wide open and in their ready to attack modes. Stress levels were high and the tension felt like heavy lead piercing their skin.
The handsome young gentlemen successfully robbed a supermarket. It was a bold move for a town where everyone knew their faces as being pornographic to young women who loved to fantasize about the gang of four.
Dark skinned Rashad carried the paper grocery bag full of cash and jewels and smirked again with a serpent’s look in his eyes. "Alright, take it to the car! Let's go!"
"Ha-ha!" hollered Caleb as he yipped and bounced around. "Thank you, God Almighty for our big break! Thank you!"
He kissed a young housewife's hand like a proper man should and looked romantically into her eyes. "No, no, my dear, the pleasure was all mine." She almost forgot the fact that she was being robbed and giggled for a moment before Caleb ran on and smiled once more for the camera and shot two of them on his way out.
"Thank you for your time, Ladies and Gentlemen. We apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused, but we got make a large deposit." Aiden adjusted his large sun lenses and walked out the automatic doors.
Jude was outside grinning like the sharks that they were.
"We fucking did it. It was amazing. Did you see it, dude?" Caleb spoke above the radio as Aiden slid into the front seat.
"Shut up ya'll and drive, Jude!"
Rashad simply laughed hysterically as the handsome band of gentlemen sped away in the getaway car accelerating to 100 miles per hour.

This is rated R!

A lot of bad language means you need to take special care to rate it properly. Otherwise, it shows up on the main page for every member and every members mother to see.

The story isn't really that cool to me. It's a robbery. You portray the characters as "four gentlemen" but I think that isn't accurate. There is a lot more to being a gentleman than kissing every lady's hand and dressing up.

They aren't gentlemen, they are playboys. Check out the dictionary.com definitions of Gentlemen and Playboy

Some other interesting questions:

How can they have a car that accelerates over 100 miles an hour if this is their first "big" break?

How is it that everyone knows their faces, but not their profile or voices?

(Maybe in a big city it would work, but in a small town...)

Why does a guy from Michigan use the word "dude" every other sentence. If he was from California it'd be one thing, but Michigan??!

Still, there are some good points to the story. First off, you used dialogue to progress the story during the robbery.

You also used the lines from the old Driver movie (if I'm not mistaken.) It wouldn't hurt to cite where the quote came from. I think it would make the driver seem less like a playboy and more like a driver.

What I'd like to see:

Mistakes: These are first time robbers. During the speed of the robbery, there can be any number of errors. They would be nervous as heck. They'd wonder if anyone recognized them, if they really could shoot someone, or if someone might not already be getting ready to shoot them? Where are the police?

These are serious worries even for veteran robbers. Things just wouldn't go as smoothly as you're making them.

It is good to show your characters making mistakes, because how a character deals with a mistake shows a whole lot more about the character than a million perfect robberies. A character without flaws isn't a character at all.

my answer to most or all of the questions is that this is purely exaggerated and more for entertainment value.

my use of gentlemen is for irony and to make them seem like that have class and do it just for kicks.

and plus just because it's happening in michigan doesn't mean they are from michigan.

the line from a movie is supposed to be generic because any number of movies could have said that

while i was reading this , i enjoyed it, you broke some writing rules and at some points(as grifinkeeper has highlighted)you left some stuff out, but so what, if i enjoyed it i dont care about depth or logic, and ultamatly , a writer that can make somthing enjoyable , should be applauded not put down..

write another one of these but make it
dangerous and nerveshreddingly tantilizing and include S.W.A.T or somthing,

gudluk

It's not ironic at the moment. If you want to make it ironic, you have to lead the readers more into it and do it a lot more subtlely. The way it's written now, it only makes us think, "WTF?"

What were your intentions for this piece anyway?