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Piano Forte



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Sat Nov 29, 2008 3:35 am
Winter's Twelfth Night says...



It was past midnight on my first night at court. The dancing had ended and some of the younger girls had gone off to bed. The older girls were standing in groups chatting quietly. A few were speaking with a couple young men in a corner of the room. I was exhausted after being on the saddle all day and then dancing all night. I decided that I would go to my chamber and prepare for bed so that I wouldn't be tired on my first full day at court. I trudged up the grand set of stairs in the direction of my chamber. I turned into a dark corridor that I thought would lead me to my chamber. ( Sorry I have to finish this later. But this is the new beginning. There's a lot I still need to fix so this won't be finished for a while...)


I stumbled into a dark room. It was chilly. I walked slowly, my arms outstretched, into the dark, gloomy room. It was as if the room had come straight out of a ghost story meant to frighten young children. I took another step and my foot slipped with a whoosh out from under me.

An unearthly clang resonated around me as I fell onto something hard, and I cried out in pain. My cry seemed to echo in a sinister, unnatural way around me. The room was expansive and it seemed to engulf me in it's blackness. Judging by the echo, the room was also quite empty. I picked myself up off of the dusty floor, coughing. After composing myself I extended my arm and let my hand wander through the dark. As I reached to my left I felt something hard, yet not quite smooth. I moved my hand over the top of the object, and began to recognize the shape. It was a harpsichord, the instrument that I had spent hours playing at court. This harpsichord was unkempt, dirty, and broken, nothing like the grand one that I had practiced on. There was a hazy light that showed uncannily on the lid. The keys lay crooked, some of them lying on top of the others like bad teeth in need of straightening. Indeed, the white keys had grown yellow from aging. I slid my hand blindly across the top of the jagged keys.

As I reached what seemed to be the middle of the harpsichord I felt something small and stiff. Paper. The paper was very small, and I could see faint tears at the edges. It must have been very old, and it seemed so fragile. Two straight creases lined the paper, as if it had been folded in half twice. I stretched out my hand and slowly, ever so slowly, touched the paper with my pointer finger. I lay each of my fingers on the paper one by one until all five of my fingertips lay lightly on top of it. Gently, I removed it from it's resting place and brought it over to the hazy light. It was what looked like a letter, written in an elaborate hand. The ink was disappearing into the crumpled, yellowing paper, and had faded entirely at the creases. Squinting my eyes, I stared hard at the letter and tried to make out the words, but the light was far too dim.

Then, a thought came to me, Where is the light coming from? I cannot see a window, but then again, I cannot see much at all. The scene was quite eerie, so eerie that I felt almost lightheaded.

Out of nowhere, I heard a note play. The note echoed ever so quietly. The echo had the most sinister sound to it. I recognized the sound. It was a note from the harpsichord.

Did I make that sound? I wondered. Did I even hear a sound? Or was that my imagination?

Again. A note played, a little louder this time. It was a different note. I thought, Was that me? I cannot tell. How disorientating!

Then, a terrifying thought struck me, what if it was not me? More notes played, faster, and faster. The same notes. Over and over and over again. I began to feel dizzy. I felt as if the room was spinning around me, growing faster. The objects in the room started to blend together into one swirling mass. I was shivering, and I realized I could not stop. My thoughts swirled, muddled and confused inside my head.

Then, quite suddenly, I felt something rough around my neck. It was rope. The rope tightened, constricting my airway. I gasped, but no air could enter my compressed lungs. My hands flew up to my neck and I tugged at the rope frantically, but it was no use. I twisted and squirmed but my killer was strong. I grew weaker as each second ticked by, but I held the letter in a tight grip.

I am going mad. I thought to myself. Surely I must be going mad. What is happening? So swiftly. I cried out again, a blood-curdling, ear-splitting scream. My balance gave way, and I fainted and fell forcefully on the floor. And then a blank.
Last edited by Winter's Twelfth Night on Sun Mar 08, 2009 10:52 pm, edited 13 times in total.
Mamillius: Merry or sad shall’t be?
Hermione: As merry as you will.
Mamillius: A sad tale’s best for winter. I have one
Of sprites and goblins.

The Winter's Tale
  





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Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:10 pm
Lauren says...



Hi, Winter's Twelfth Night, and a merry welcome to YWS! I must say, what a fascinating little tale you've written; really enjoyable to read. It reminded me a lot of the old Gothic tales, and was warmly written.
You certainly have a way of creating a mood/scene. The imagery was actually flawless.
If I have one qualm, it is that (oh god, my pointing of this out is such a cliche) you often tell, rather than show. Got a bit repetitive. But that happens to nearly everyone, me included, and is something we will grow out of in future time.
Can I praise this enough? It was enchanting!
Less of the 'I did this', 'I did that' and it will be even better. Try starting some paragraphs with that the setting was like, rather than something the protagonist did. I know what happened - you were in a frenzy, had to type it, ideas were buzzing around your head like bees. But sometimes you just have to read back through, patiently, and edit.

Might I just say, it's a pianoforté, not a piano forte? Hehehe. Too many Jane Austens, I suppose, have made me fussy.
Also, one insy-winsy nitpick, just to make me feel better(!):
Then I fainted and fell forcefully on the floor. And then a blank.
Maybe reword this a little? Two 'thens' are bothersome.

Wish you much luck and hope to see you around!


Lauren x


P.S. Girl With a Pearl Earring! Hurrah!! Have you read the book/seen the film?
  





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Sat Nov 29, 2008 5:43 pm
Winter's Twelfth Night says...



Thank you so much for the comments! They were very helpful! I did realize after a while that I was using an excessive amount of "I"s, and tried to cut down on them while I was editing but there was only so much I could cut. You are right, I did have tons of ideas flying through my head, and I should have been a bit more patient. I love the idea of starting some of the paragraphs with the setting!

Yes, the pianoforté. Well, this story takes place in 1558, and I am pretty sure that this was before the invention of the pianoforté. I wrote this story thinking that it would be set in the late Victorian era, but later changed my mind and decided that I wanted it to be Tudor. So I had to go back and reread to change all of the places where I had said piano to say harpsichord. However, I really liked my title and I didn't want to change it to harpsichord, because I had separated the words on purpose. Instead of pianoforté, my title is Piano Forte because it has sort of a deeper meaning to me, a sort of symbolism. Piano because the setting of the story is eerie and quiet. Forte because the end is frightening and thrilling and in a sense it is louder than the rest of the story. It is difficult to explain, but you know what I'm trying to say, right?

Oh, and the two "then"s. Yes, I didn't catch that when I was editing. I'm so glad that you found it! It is quite bothersome, now that I know it's there.

Thank you so much again for your tips!

~Winter

P.S. Yes I have read the book and seen the movie! I always read the book first though. Great story!
Mamillius: Merry or sad shall’t be?
Hermione: As merry as you will.
Mamillius: A sad tale’s best for winter. I have one
Of sprites and goblins.

The Winter's Tale
  





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Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:53 pm
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StellaThomas says...



Hey there! On behalf of myself may I welcome you to YWS! Are you a Shakespeare fan or is your birthday 6th January or is there some other reason for the fascinating username? Me, well, you can call me Stella, and I shall review you today...

Actually, interestingly enough, I'm reading Jane Austen's Emma at the moment and I'm pretty sure it's pianoforte without the accent aigu on the last "e." Hm... must be the US V. English editions, perhaps? Or something like that. In any case, they tend to simply call it the "instrument."

But moving on...

So, as always, nitpicks first...

I. NITPICKS

I took another step and my foot slipped, with a whooshing sound, out from under me.


Get rid of the comma after "with," 'tis unnecessary.

A hazy light shown uncannily on the lid.


showed, not shown, shown is passive.

my pointer finger.


Pointer sounds just a little childish. Index? Or, since we're on the subject of pianos and harpsichords, second finger?

Out of nowhere, I heard a note play. The note echoed ever so quietly. The echo had the most sinister sound to it. I recognized the sound. It was a note from the harpsichord.


This is like a roundabout, the subject of each sentence is the object of the last one, and that makes for an awful lot of repetition.

I fainted and fell forcefully on the floor. And then a blank.


Forcefully doesn't seem quite the right word.

II. I MUST BE DREAMING

Seriously, is your MC dreaming or not? If not, then you need to elaborate, where is this room? Where have they just come from? It's all very strange, a la Alice in Wonderland... What are you trying to get across? Is this a stand alone piece? Because if so, well, it doesn't make much sense...

III. CHARACTERISATION

Is your character male or female, old or young, adventurous or cowardly? There's always enough room for characterisation! Do they like music? Are they curious? Connect the story to the person.

IV. OVERALL

I liked your writing style, you brought off "eerie" very well indeed.

Hope I've helped, and if you have any questions- about my review or about YWS in general, feel free to PM me!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sat Nov 29, 2008 10:36 pm
Winter's Twelfth Night says...



Thank you for commenting! Yes, I am a Shakespeare fan and Twelfth Night is my favorite of his plays. I was also born in Winter so... well...I don't know why I connected the two but I did. Hahaha. You are reading Emma? I read that very recently and I loved it! I just bought Jane Eyre and I can't wait to start it.

But to answer your questions: Yes this is a stand alone piece and I realize that it probably doesn't make sense to the reader, so thanks for pointing that out. I was hoping to later incorporate this scene into a novel, or a longer story, but for now it is a stand alone piece. At the moment it is hard for me to view my writing from a reader's perspective. Also, the story is not a dream, but my MC is supposed to be a bit ignorant and naive so she does not want to believe what is happening. Of course I didn't describe that in the story so I suppose a reader would wonder what was really going on.
I also did not realize how very little the reader knows about my character. How could I forget that? But I thought of my character as a young woman named Elizabeth who's about fifteen. I suppose she's adventurous rather than cowardly, but not overly so. Like I said she is a bit ignorant and naive but she is also compassionate and quite intelligent. Apparently I had a perfect picture of this character in my head. I guess I just forgot to incorporate it into the story. But I think that I would probably have some difficulty with that. Any suggestions?

Anyway, thanks again for the excellent critique. I am just beginning to write creative pieces so it is great for me to have other writers to help me edit my work.

~Winter
Mamillius: Merry or sad shall’t be?
Hermione: As merry as you will.
Mamillius: A sad tale’s best for winter. I have one
Of sprites and goblins.

The Winter's Tale
  





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Fri Dec 19, 2008 9:41 pm
canislupis says...



Hey there! I love historical fiction, especially Tudory-type stuff. ;) Well, here goes.
I stumbled into a dark, mysterious room. It was chilly, as if some one had left all of the windows wide open

First, I don’t like the word ‘mysterious’ IMO it takes away from the atmosphere, and is quite distracting. Instead of telling us outright that the room is mysterious, make us think that for ourselves. Add some more description of WHY it is mysterious. Also, “some one” should be “someone.” This also raises the question: Are there windows? You haven’t told us anything about the room.
into the dark, gloomy room. It was as if the room had come straight out of a ghost story meant to frighten young children. I took another step and my foot slipped with a whoosh out from under me.

“Dark, gloomy room” Huh. Here we go again with the telling rather than showing. If it’s dark, it’s probably going to be gloomy.
This is starting to sound like a ‘ghost story meant to frighten young children’. I would delete this phrase.
Also, in the last sentence, it could be revised as “ It took another step and my foot slipped out from under me with a whoosh” I think it sounds less awkward that way.
as I fell onto something hard, and I cried out in pain.

If it’s hard, we’re going to assume she cried out in pain, and not happiness.
. The paper was very small, and I could see faint tears at the edges. It must have been very old, and it seemed so fragile. Two straight creases lined the paper, as if it had been folded in half twice. I stretched out my hand and slowly, ever so slowly, touched the paper with my pointer finger. I lay each of my fingers on the paper one by one until all five of my fingertips lay lightly on top of it. Gently, I removed it from it's resting place and brought it over to the hazy light. It was what looked like a letter, written in an elaborate hand. The ink was disappearing into the crumpled, yellowing paper, and had faded entirely at the creases. Squinting my eyes, I stared hard at the letter and tried to make out the words, but the light was far too dim.

I think you said ‘paper’ about eight times at least. Try to find another synonym. Also “it’s” is a contraction of ‘it is’ and thus should be “its” without the apostrophe.
Then, a thought came to me, Where is the light coming from? I cannot see a window, but then again, I cannot see much at all. The scene was quite eerie, so eerie that I felt almost lightheaded.

“Where” should not be capitalized. Also, we are getting back to showing instead of telling again. Why is it eerie? Also, why would someone feel lightheaded because of something being creepy? Elaborate.
Out of nowhere, I heard a note play. The note echoed ever so quietly. The echo had the most sinister sound to it. I recognized the sound. It was a note from the harpsichord.

This is quite repetitive. “Note” “Echo” and “Sound” are all repeated. Also, why is it familiar to her? Elaborate.
Again. A note played, a little louder this time. It was a different note. I thought, Was that me? I cannot tell. How disorientating!

The short sentence at the beginning could be revised to: “Again a note played, a little louder than before.” Or something like that. The period is IMO unnecessary.
but my killer was strong. I grew weaker as each second ticked by, but I held the letter in a tight grip, not wanting to loose what I had been hunting for for so long.

It shouldn’t be ‘killer’ until she’s actually dead. How about “Attacker”? Also “Loose” should be “lose,” and if she only found out about the note a few minutes ago, she hasn’t been searching for it that long, has she?
Overall:
Try to avoid clichés like the dark room and mysterious, and work on showing rather than telling. Other than that, I enjoyed your story and would like to read more by you.
PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Lupis
  





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Sat Dec 20, 2008 1:59 am
Winter's Twelfth Night says...



Thanks! This is something I wrote about a year ago, but I posted it on here to see if I could improve it a bit. Apparently there is a lot that can be improved! I will fix some of the awkward sentences and I'll try to do more showing rather than telling. Thanks for your suggestions!
-Winter
Mamillius: Merry or sad shall’t be?
Hermione: As merry as you will.
Mamillius: A sad tale’s best for winter. I have one
Of sprites and goblins.

The Winter's Tale
  





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Sat Feb 28, 2009 9:22 pm
tori1234 says...



That was very nice! I do have a lot of questions-

Is the MC boy or girl?
Young or old?
Do they actually know how to play the piano?
Was the MC dreaming or not?
Was the MC the one playing the piano?

Overall, it was very good, though I think your first two paragraphs sound a repetitive.
In the first one I thought you said "chamber" a little too often, and the same goes with "dark" and "room" in the second.

I hoped I helped!

Keep writing!

God Bless!
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Sithi uhm ingonyama
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama
Siyo Nqoba
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

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Sat Mar 07, 2009 3:59 pm
Meep(: says...



Hey fellow Greeter!
Anything with 'Piano' in it would certainly catch my attention,
So I decided to check this out.
What a spooky, enigmatic ending,
Though, I must admit that I don't really understand what happened in the end XD
Great descriptive skills, Winter! :D
Though, I do not think that Piano = Harpsichord, hehe.
You were able to describe the instrument well,
But I would have liked to know more about the character.
And what was on that piece of paper,
As well as what happened to her.
I saw your explanation for the title,
Very clever, m'dear :D

~Have a nice day!
Meep(:
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"
  





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Sun Mar 08, 2009 9:42 pm
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ballerina13 says...



This was marvelous! The title of this piece drew me in. The description of it all was breathtaking. I do feel thought that you should described your main character more. Show us what she looks like, her personality, things of that sort. Let us feel as if we know her. This was very interesting tale and I hope to read more of it. Great story! *Gold Star*
  








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