On YWS, a rule is that you review at least two pieces of work before you post any of your own, and review twice as much as you post stories.
Crit-wise:
Eddie woke up feeling miserable and sore after a long night in the tent set up on the beach for the wounded.
Sentence is rather long… split it up.
The battle had finished and the Yanks had taken the beach and were still making their way up the small cliffs where the worn down German soldiers were pulling back.
Same here. Too long.
Thankfully, British and American ships did the most damage with artillery causing great devastation on the German positions on the cliffs. This, again thankfully, enabled the US corps to climb the cliffs (due to vigorous training) and start their way into the main land.
This is boring and reads like something out of a history book. Focus on Eddie, not the tactics.
Eddie rubbed his face, trying to get himself use to the light.
“Use” should be “used”.
“Hey bud, stop lazing around and get your butt outside, your needed.”
“Your” should be “you’re”, meaning “you are”. I’m assuming from the “butt” that Eddie is American? Only you should make this clearer.
Yet this lieutenant seemed to have a thirst for battle, yet that made him smooth and cool in battle when giving orders so that he kept his men in the best safety he could.
Don’t repeat the word “battle” so much.
“We are assigned to finishing off what the airborne corps were assigned to, destroying the German gun positions,” lieutenant Marlins reported to his unit, “ We have been giving a clear path to the target with air support along the way. And since the Germans are under a lot of pressure we shouldn’t come under much resistance. It’ll be a quick trip in, a quick ka-boom of the guns and a quick retreat. Any questions or inquires go to the commander and chief, this is an all go mission vital for the war effort.”
This is boring. The guy seems to be spouting commands straight from a textbook. Add clour, make it realistic. Add swearing.
So massive in fact that Eddie was the only one left of the 120 strong squad.
Write out numbers.
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I have to dash now. There weren't too many mistakes in here, but it was very, very bland. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it's to help. You must slow down the narrative, add in description. Describe Eddie, the seargant, the landscape, the uniforms, the guns, the weapons, the enemy fire.
And the ending? Frankly, it was boring. Unemotional. There was no point to the entire story. You describe some guy who we know nothing about. You've given us no reason to care about him. Then you kill him. Boom. Then what? Give us reason to care about him, to make the ending actually mean something.
PM me if you have any questions!
Gender:
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176