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FROZEN VENGEANCE (Prologue, Revised) +13



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Sun Jan 08, 2012 6:12 am
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Nyl says...



Spoiler! :
WARNING: The content has some "gross scenario" and if you are not a fan of people eating live animals and people eating people. Then stop reading right here.


THIS IS A PROJECT OF MINE AND DASIAMARI THAT WE ARE WORKING ON. THIS IS ACTUALLY THE FIRST NOVEL I AM DETERMINED TO WORK HARD. DON'T HESITATE TO CORRECT OUR MISTAKES FOR THAT IS WHAT WE NEED. WE AIM TO MAKE IT TO THE BOOKSHELVES ON 2013. PLEASE HELP UP YWSers. <3 Verg (i know this is the revised version but I know, it still needs more refurnishing)

Prologue
DECEMBER 2012...


“My anger was just frozen, but was never melted.” The cold words echoed all over the familiar stone walls. “I can act like a human most of the time, sometimes, I act like an animal but I can’t be a saint for long.”


February 17 1839


“I shall marry my dream before I marry that daughter of an aristocrat!” Rye Manson’s loud voice filled the air. He paced the room irritably, around the small darkening room. His jaws were clinched with emotions. He knew this was not the time he wanted to get married. Not a year from now. Not even in two years.

He was only a two decade, three year old man who had not even seen what the real world was. He had not even been able to create the first steps towards his dream which was sailing along with Sir John Franklin together with the men of Erebus and Terror. He did not feel he was man enough to face the responsibility of two humans carrying the same world together.

The common English house of the Manson’s started to get dark as the sun began to set over Brighton. Rye’s father glanced outside the window at the sun that was low in the sky. “We told you Rye, this time would come, and marrying her is just a way to reach your dream.” His father said pleadingly.

“Never!” Rye yammered, slamming his fist down on a small end table, the legs wobbled as if they would give way. He could feel that this is the climacteric part of his life. Where he would have to make a crucial decision that he did not want. “Is this the only reason for my birth?” Deep inside his young heart he felt like he was a gubbin, nothing more. He spun angrily to Franchesca Manson looking straight into her hazel eyes, his shoulder length brunette hair moved with him and tangled in his face. He impatiently pushed it out of his way “Is it mother? To pay your debt and deal your pari passu matters with Lord Bruni?”

His father stepped in between “Hold your tongue son!” Said Mikael Manson.
Rye stepped back with disbelief in his eyes. “Father, I just can not!” He said almost yelling with anger, his eyes flashed with rage.
“Son, you must!” his mother said rising from her seat, pity in her voice. “We will lose every thing, do you wish that upon your poor mother and father?” Then she said dreamily” Lady Bruni is one of the most beautiful and reputable women here in England, child, what reason would you have not to marry her?”

“This marriage, I never wanted this. Not her! She is an ice queen, beautiful, but too frozen to bow her head!” Now there was more than anger on his voice, he could hear himself and the pain in his every word. “Her hubris over flows and it can be seen even in her eyes!” his rage rose again.

“Son,” His father said placing a hand on his shoulder. “She acts the way an upper-class lady must.”

Rye shrugged the wrinkled hands from his shoulder.“I do not know, Father!” he said walking out the door and slamming it shut behind him. He stomped down the stairs without even noticing his heavy foot-falls . He stopped as he reached the front door, trying to absorb into his head the insanity his parents were considering. The marriage that only the elders knew about, the reason why his lifetime happiness would be the payment of his parents debt.

His jaws were moving in anger. He pulled angrily at the lock as if the cold brown metal personally offended him and as soon as he pulled open the door he saw that familiar face looking at him. Brown eyes, thin beautiful lips, a nose perfectly fit on her beautifully shaped face and that chin that looked proud every time he saw her. The woman that his parents said as the one of the finest in town. “I am looking for--”

“ That will not happen!” he yelled at her face cutting the words she would say. “I would never marry you because they said so.”

Her mouth dropped open. “Marriage? What marriage? What ever do you mean, Sir?!”

His forehead creased as he looked at her brown eyes trying to find the sincerity in her voice.
His forehead creased looking at her brown eyes trying to find the sincerity from her voice. He knew what those eyes were saying. “You honestly do not know? You mean they did not tell you about our engagement?”

She shook her head, confusion written over her face. She looked away for a moment as the wind blew her long curly brown hair. She slowly turned her dark blue eyes back to his face. “Should I believe you sir?” She asked, though her belief could be seen clearly in her eyes. “Father and Mother told me to come here because Lady Manson has something to tell me about the ships that are sailing tomorrow. That Captain Franklin would be here--”

The four men rushing towards them caught her attention “Hullo Genovo,” she said to her parents faithful servant. “Gentlemen,” she said nodding towards the others.
“I am sorry miss. You and young Mr. Manson must come with us,” he said in his wheezy voice full of pity.
“What the hell do you mean?!” Rye said, the anger that never fully left returned to his voice.
“If you do not come we shall be forced to take you!” One of the other men said roughly.
“What does this mean, Genovo?” Elizabeth eyes widen as she looked at the old man who served the Bruni’s for years. He wasnow standing right in front of them reaching for her as if to grab her.

“ I am sorry m’lady, but it was your father who summoned us to do this.”

“What?” Rye’s voice echoed all over the street. “Do what? Why are you all here?” Then with a suddenly swift movement they were both grabbed by the men surrounding them.

***


Her skin itched with the scratchy, lacy, white dress she was wearing. It seemed as if it was made just to make her miserable. She muttered and tried to push through the people to get out before finally getting in the dress, with its ridiculous tassel like scraps of lace hanging of in every direction. She heard voices saying it looked lovely on her ivory skin, but to this young aristocrat it was nothing but a piece material. She do not know who made it, but whoever made it deserved death. Oh I would never wish for this to happen! Her mind screamed.

She looked everywhere and it seemed like it was all planned out. Everything and every elite member of the society was there. Though the traditional British English ceremony was not included she noted dullfuly. No breakfast together with the reputable families of England, no talking to guests before the ceremony. When those men took them last night, all that happened was preparing their clothing for hours and forcefully getting them dressed. Now, the sun was up again. The wedding was about to start in this bloody British church. She heard herself sigh out a long deep breath. Everyone seemed happy. Except herself and... She looked at the man beside her. Rye Mason, she could see his jaws clinching in anger.

Then she heard the servant that was fixing her hair sing a bit of a song.

The ring for marriage within a year;
The penny for wealth, my dear;
The thimble for an old maid or bachelor born;
The button for sweethearts all forlorn.

“I can hear those words of thought my lady,” she said smiling coldly pushing her hair away from her eyes while looking at her face in the silver looking glass.

“Do you honestly believe we should do this?” Rye said through his clenched teeth as a servant bent to fix the edge of his sleeves, he smacked at their hands irritably.

“I do not know what this is, but if you are referring to our marriage then we have no choice in the matter obviously,” Elizabeth responded with mockery., “but you see, every one in this town is here. I can not run, and you will not.”

“Trust me lady, I shall when I can,” he said irritably kicking at the satin pants that made him uncomfortable.

“This is what my parents wish, it’s my duty and honor as a lady.” He looked at her in disbelief.

“Have you no thoughts of your own? Do you opine nothing? Your parents may wish this but what do you wish this to happen?” His eyes were questioning.

“ As for what the crowd knows, we want this. Just feign until this is over. Act as if you want this,” she said in a cold voice.

“I am no actor lady! I can not marry a woman I do not love!” He caught a glimpse of sadness in her eyes that disappeared quickly, right after he said the last four words.

“Let go of me for a bit, gentlemen,” Rye said pushing the two men away from him. “I must use the outhouse.” Then he walked out but he saw that the men’s eyes were following him. God, he said in his mind scratching his shoulder. Did they even wash these bloody clothes?

As he looked back he saw the two men following him. He took a step forward and in the same movement spun around plowing through men who were caught off guard. He burst through the doors and spotted his father’s yaud. Without a second thought he rushed for it and climbed on the chestnut horse.

He heard Lord Bruni yelling on his direction. The crowd was looking in his direction too. Franchesca Manson, burst out of the church followed by servants. She was pointing at him and servants began to run after him.

He took off at a fast gallop slowing as the church was left farther and farther behind.

The horse was walking at this point, as he passed a group of elder men. “Did you hear the Erebus and the Terror are setting sail today?” One said aloud to the others. He stopped his horse.

“Did you say the ships are setting sail? today Gentlemen?” He asked them eagerly catching his breath. This might be a good chance, he thought to himself. Then he heard horse hooves rush behind him. It was Elizabeth that he saw when he turned. Without waiting for a reply from the men he ran towards the docks as Elizabeth was not too far behind.

There were hundreds of men around, giving him the chance to hide himself among the crowd. He looked back seeing Elizabeth, who’s eyes were angrily combing through the men. He ran hurriedly around picking up one of the caps the other men were wearing and looking for some clothing that matched the crew. Finally he found some folded hap-hazardly in a pile by a wall. He quickly grabbed some not looking for sizes and rushed behind the wall changing as fast as possible. The bottoms were baggy and the sleeves of the shirt a bit long, he hiked up the pants and rolled up his sleeves still rushing. Finally he came out and grabbed some rope and carried it to the ship the way the other workers were heading.

“Terror is about to leave! All men set to sail!” the large man with a black scraggly beard at the bow of the boat called out loudly. Rye walked along with the others carrying some rope and not trying to look back. His heart pounded quickly as soon as his blue eyes set sight on the insides of the ship. This is a dream come true. Being able to step inside Terror, seeing this beautiful wall of wood made by the finest trees in the world for sure . The look of the ocean from the inside of the ship. These stout men working. Anytime soon the ship will set sail and roam the world headed for the legendary North West Passage. The adventures that will happen. The realities of life inside Terror. How would I eat here? Maybe I shall just snack on a mate. He tried to humor himself. The “myth” of sea adventurers eating each other when there was nothing else to eat made him laugh.It was surely ridiculous. Foolish lore told to frighten young boys.

But the thought of the woman who was chasing after him, brought him back to reality. He then tried to look outside from the rusty hole in the wall. She was right there, about to get in the ship Erebus. He could hear bits of the argument going on in the nearby ship.

“But my lady, you can not! The ship is for men!”

“I am hunting a man who dishonors my family. I believe that justifies me to board. Or would you rather have Lord Bruni ask the queen to stop your journey?” The man muttered something Rye could not hear followed by a pleasant sounding “Thank you” from Elizabeth.

“Erebus is about to leave! All men set to sail!” Rye could see Elizabeth duck inside the boat as the man shouted loudly. “All men set to sail!” the man repeated as the sails rose above his head. Rye was struck with panic for one moment. Passward for a woman to a men’s ship? He’d never wanted Elizabeth to get on the boat. What would her father say?! Lord Bruni would ask the queen to turn the whole crew around and head back to England where she would see him and he would thrown out on his arse. Perhaps,I will be condemned by my own family and the Brunis’. he thought with an edge of hysteria.

The sails raised higher into the air and with a sudden lurching feeling they moved away from the docks. As the boat slowly moved away from the seashore, he felt a sudden emptiness watching those people on the sea side who are mostly family of the ship’s crew, waving. Some were crying as the ships started to move away. How he wished his parents could be one of them. That he could leave and see the world, not in this way but with his loving family waving him off. Loving! Their only love was money! He thought angrily. Anyway, he said in his mind turning to the other things. The sun was now up and it was light as men bustled around the ship. He turned to the other side to see Erebus moving along with their ship, along with his thought wondering what she was doing inside...

“Wake up men!!!” the loud voice echoed across the ship. Laying on the floor he raised up in terrifyingly cold. The ship was shaking and men were running around . The fear in the air was tangible. He could hear the waves hitting hard against wall of the ship. He could feel the force that was slowly tilting the boat. It was his first night on the ship and he never expected that his dream could turn so quickly to a nightmare. This is a very bad dream. Just a bad dream. He said almost convincing himself.

“Stand up young man!” the man kicked his knee as he was tried to walk hurriedly. He came to his senses. Something wasn’t right or nothing was. The boat was shaking! This was not right! This was no dream!

He could hear the water slowly filling the floor of the ship, along with the shouts of men panicking. Then there was a loud noise from beneath. Now he can feel something shaking, and the boat is now trembling! Then a huge sound of water coming, smashing the boat, throwing them in the icy ocean.

Rye flew through the water towards the light of the moon. His head broke the surface and his breath broke the silence. He grabbed on to something floating by. It was hard, wood.

The next thing is darkness.


Where am I? The warm rays of the sun hit his face. He was laying there on the white snow covered sand of a seashore. His eyes roamed around and saw the blue water on the ocean and the white snow floating on top of it. Then reality hits him. He suddenly remembers almost everything, the screaming, the terror, men panicking, the boat was shaking.

Nothing was here but quietness except for the few birds chirping. He rose from the snowy sand and look around brushing it off.

It felt like he had been sleeping for a long time. He did not know why. How long have I been here? There was a horrid hiatus in his thoughts. He struggled to bring the memories back. Right now all he knew for sure was that his stomach was growling and he needed anything to fill it. He took a few steps before realising he was barefoot. Zounds! Where are my shoes? He thought hard trying to recall and remembered taking them on the ship before lying down to sleep.
The snow felt so cold on his soles even though the he could feel the warm of the sun on his face.

Where to go. What to do. He continued walking. His eyes looked all over the place. Nothing was here but the blue ocean, few birds chirping, and snow. Something inside his mind was telling him everything is wrong in this place. There was something missing, he could tell it was obvious, but he could not place it . Then a moan of desperation came from his throat. He yelled, just to hear his own voice echoed from nowhere.

Now this is really no good. He realized that he was very vulnerable with no help to be found. Nothing at all. Not any food, no water, not even shoes. For Saint Peter’s sake, I could have just married Bruni and not be here.

Bruni!

He remembered her face. Where was she now. He knew nothing about what happened to Erebus. He looked out to the ocean to see if there was any sign of it. They where heading in the same direction, were they not? He saw nothing.

His feet led him towards the sea hoping to find some food, maybe fish that he could grill if he could successfully make a fire somewhere. His stomach ached so bad. He peered in to the water and what he was missing hit him like a strike of lightning Waves! It was not blue, it was white, ice. How the bloody hell do you fish in ice?! He said on oath under his breathe like a gentleman then looked around remembering that there were no people in sight and screamed it at the top of his lungs.

“So what now, should I do?” He said talking to his own image in the glass-like ice. There is nothing in here. Nothing but himself.....

He continue walking without knowing where he is heading. Looking for something to fill his hungry stomach. The place is empty. Nothing is there but a few unknown tress that were dried out with snow and a few birds walking on the sea side which instantly fly away if he got near them. It went on for days. He only listened to his growling stomach. No absolute solution or any other way.

“Nothing in this place but a frozen ocean,a few migrating birds... ” He mumbled then looked up “and the bloody sky...”

A week later..

The small island got even colder. The skies were now darker. He was reduced crawling. No strength. He could feel himself occasionally began to lose consciousness and tried to hold on, before the world went black.

He began to think all hope was lost when he saw from his flickering eyesight an icy case.It must have been what he was holding on to. With the pain growing in each inch of his bones, he crawled to reach to it...”Food! Food! He thought as he ripped the top off.

A week without food and water. Nothing but the frozen breeze of ocean. And now he was here, on the cold floor of this place, where he could only see a little ray of light coming from the hole on the top and few drops of water coming from the wall of the cave. Wait, Water!

Crawling inch by inch to the wall he managed to reach for the little drops of water. He could not even taste the coldness of the liquid in his tongue. But finally, the dryness and thirst was now slowly disappearing as the water trickled down his throat. He tried to cup his palms to catch the little amount of water dripping down the wall.

After a few more times trying to ease his thirst, he realize he needs more. He is hungry. Has been hungry since he finished the little food rations from the case.. Now what could he do. There is nothing but the cold wall and the wet floor where some small creatures are crawling. It looks like the one he always saw in the dirty areas of England. They looked like ants but they were twice the size of it and had the same color as cockroaches.

There was nothing more left in his mind but to survive. Staring at the small insects on the ground, his hands seems to have a mind of its own, slowly picking up one of them. It is now his stomach that is thinking. It needs something. Something to fill it.

Rye looks closely as he slowly puts the little creature that his wiggling between his fingers, near his mouth. With eyes close he swallowed it without chewing. He can feel it’s feet moving as it went down on his throat. He gagged a few times but finally it went down and he slowly picked up another.

He ate his fill, then went back to the dripping water to wash the horrid taste from his mouth. He went out and got some of the least snowy sand he could find and carried armfuls of it into the cave, patting it down firm, before laying on it, passing out before his head even hit the packed sand.

When he woke up it was still dark. He could see nothing. But now he felt less pain than he had as he remembers the last time he was awake. All he could see was black. He then began to feel around pressing his hands the wall of the cave. Seeking for the way out.

Inch by inch he tried moving safely, and finally found the opening of the cave.

It was so cold outside. But it felt better on his skin now. His stomach was not rumbling and his knees a bit felt stronger. He looked around and saw the same image of the island with the dim light from the moon above. There should be someone here, should be. He tried convincing his self. Trying to find his sanity and giving hope to his mind.

He started walking again. He didn’t know where he was going but he must find someone. Someone who could help him, or talk to before he lost his sanity. He would come back this way, If no good came of his search.

After a few hours of walking on his bare frozen feet, he could finally see a ray of hope a few meters away from him. A man sitting on the seashore facing backward. And from his back features he looked familiar. The Captain of Terror ! Captain Franklin!

“Captain!!” He said aloud running in the man’s direction. “Captain!” He said speaking lower now that he is only a meter away from the man. When the man turned to Rye’s direction, his mouth dropped.

The man’s mouth was covered with fresh sanguine stain and laying in front of him was a member of crew from the ship Terror. The chest of the laying man is whacked open and his blood spilled on to the sand. The Captain has some of the crew member’s internal organ parts in his hand. Rye could see a flash of red in the Captains hand. An organ! A heart!

Nothing is real here.. He thought even though he was fully aware that he was awake. The captain rose to his feet unsteadily, drunk on the blood. He began walking slowly towards Rye. Rye looked at him in disbelief, then started backing up before beginning to run.

He ran until he found a shallow opening in a wall of rock and dashed in hoping the captain had not noticed. He waited for a few moments before he saw the mans figure stumble by. Finally he allowed himself to look around. It was lighter in this cave the moon seem to reflect off the walls oddly.

Then Rye began to realize that his feet were cold, colder than usual, they were burning with... Ice!! he thought and began to panic. He had walked father in to the ice cave and began backing up for the exit. Suddenly he hit a wall hard and heard it rumble. What is.. The dim light started to fade as he was caved into the icy prison “ No! No!” He cried beating on the icy wall beating only made it worst as another side came down sticking him there. After a few hours he gave up. It was getting harder to breathe he slumped uncomfortably on the floor giving up and losing consciousness for the last time.
Last edited by Nyl on Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:14 am, edited 2 times in total.
"I'm writing the next big thing, aren't we all are?" Hei
  





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:09 am
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Anwesha says...



OH MY GOD! I want more of that! :smt003
Really! Loved the plot! And it was written in a very interesting way. There were some grammatical and spelling errors which you can correct later(it's a hue thing so I can't point them all out). Otherwise, I must say, I loved it! At the beginning I was a bit confused, but gradually it became quite interesting.
Good luck, both of you! :)
Imperfection is beauty,
Madness is genius,
And it's better to be absolutely ridiculous
Than to be absolutely boring... :-D
  





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 10:44 am
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Nyl says...



Thanks for the review An!
"I'm writing the next big thing, aren't we all are?" Hei
  





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 2:37 pm
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AdventurerDaniel says...



I liked it but the grammatical errors drove me insane also there were some weak word choices but that's no big deal. Also he wouldn't have been shocked to see Franklin eating someone if he had at all studied sailing, back then when there was little food eating someone was common practice, disturbing fact some sailors compared the taste of human to pork. Also there were a few historic inaccuracies. There wasn't really black oil that was used on ships back then at least not in great enough quantity to pollute that much water. Even if it were a steam ship it was pretty far away from the Latvian shore. Sorry I'm kind of obsessed with Nautical history and have never been a big fan of historical inaccuracies. Other than that the character is very well reading and the story rather engaging.
So much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
Red Wheel Barrow by- William Carlos Williams
  





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 9:22 pm
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dasiamari says...



Thanks for the reviews you guys! *High Five* :D
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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Mon Jan 09, 2012 2:43 pm
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murtuza says...



Sherly and Dasia! :D

So you've both collaborated on a Novel and it looks pretty great! This has got a solid story and does bring out the mood of being stranded and lost and alone. You've introduced to us the characters rather well, with their behaviours and shenanigans. So nice work, guys.

Just some mistakes and corrections that I'd like to point out. It all sounds pretty solid, but these little unpolished bits sort of scrutinize the reading experience. But once you get the hang of writing these types of works, you'll be much better with experience. So don't worry if there are too many. ^.^

" I can act like human most of the time. Sometimes I acted like animal but I can not act like a saint for long."

This line could have been improved upon. What you've written isn't really grammatically correct, so here's how it could have been -

"I can act (like a) human most of the time. Sometimes, I acted/behaved/was like an animal. But I cannot be a saint for long.

He knew this was not the time he will wanted to get married.

'Will wanted' has to go. Better, would be -

He knew this was not the time he would want to get married.

...who hadn't even see what the real world is.

Here, 'seen' instead of 'see' is what you must have been aiming for.

he is one of the most beautiful and reputable woman here in England,

'Women' instead of 'woman' is the correct usage here.

“She acts the way a upper-class lady must.”

'A' instead of 'an' is the proper article to be used here. Just remember that when the next word has a vowel sounding beginning, you need to use 'an' before it.

“ As far what the crowd knows, we want this. Just act until this is over.

This sentence could be said in two ways.

As far as what the crowd knows, we want this....

OR

As for what the crowd knows, we want this....

So pick wisely with the sentence formation.

His heart pound fastly as...

'Fastly' doesn't sound very convincing in its delivery. rephrase the sentence to -

His heart pounded fast as...

Something isn’t not right or nothing was

This is an honest mistake, but what's funny here is that if something isn't not right, then that just means that everything is alright :D
The correct way writing the sentence would have been -

Something wasn't right...

Also, the sentence doesn't really make sense. 'Something isn't not right or nothing was' sounds like you're trying to say the same thing twice in succession even though we know that something certainly isn't right. So chop of the second half of the sentence to make it sound better streamlined. I may have covered only a few of the flaws here and there but from what I've pointed out, you can get a clear idea of what's wrong and where.

The way you've tried to convey the characters' thoughts isn't very convenient to read. In order for the reader to differentiate between the thoughts and the regular narration and dialogue, it's best to italicize the thoughts which appear to the character. That way there won't be any confusion over what is part of the text and what's on the character's mind. So make sure that you have it covered.

Also, the use of tense here is very uneven. You go from past tense to present tense on and off. And the whole story becomes a bit taxing to read since there are always instances where the tenses get mixed up and the sentences sound odd. So since the narrator is the one telling the story, have the narration be in past tense. And the dialogue and character thoughts and such can be in present tense. Also, work on your imagery. The part where the ship collapses by the tides isn't really informative. Try being more descriptive and use the surroundings of the ocean and wind in a more broader aspect.

All in all,with a bit of brushing up, this would be much better than it already is. I'm looking forward to forthcoming chapters. You two, keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza
:)
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It's about being heard.
  





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Thu Jan 26, 2012 10:45 pm
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dasiamari says...



Thanks everyone!! <3 mari
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  








Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author