Young Writers Society

Retreat! Retreat! Gun fire, that's all there was to hear was we were running for our lives. All of us, Dog and Bravo company are retreating through a dense flooded rice field with Vietcong on our tail. A thunderstorm inundated the field a day before. We ran through the rice field trying to get to the helicopters on the other side. Water splashed near my feet as I ran vigorously through the field. Then a stray bullet struck my foot. I yelled and fell to the ankle deep water, it hurt to much to run. Blood was leaking out the bullet hole in my boot. I saw a soldier run by me without even lending a hand. Another soldier saw me, picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. Bullets were flying right passed my head every second. A mortar went off next to us throwing us to the ground. We got back up and made it to the helicopters. I looked out and saw another helicopter take a direct hit from an RPG. "Stop! Go back down, we still have men down there," Daniels screamed.
"If we do not leave now we will all be dead."
We left twenty men down on the field. We watched as they were soon taken prisoner by the Vietcong.

7:00 Am March 29, 1972, 2 Months Earlier

Captain Daniels and Dog Company are being dropped off by helicopter 3 miles east of the town of Quang Tri. Their orders are to link up with the 2nd Armored Division, escort them to Quang Tri and retake the town once again. On their way one of the choppers took an RPG to the tail wing and went down into the dense forest. "Captain Daniels sir, one of the other choppers was shot down should I continue or turn back?" asked the pilot.
"NO! We have orders, I will send a rescue party." He ordered. The helicopters swooped down like hawks and unloaded the men. They emptied in 5 seconds flat. The choppers took off and went out of view behind the tree line. "Area secure!"one man said as he hunkered down next to a tree. Daniels said,"Thompson, Hill Anderson and Fox you men are the rescue party, I want you to find that crashed chopper."
"Yes sir!" they yelled. The men diseappered behind the dense brush. "Well hello 2nd Armored." said a soldier looking down the road. Ten Patton tanks, four jeeps and two Armored Personnel Carriers came into view down the road. The vehicles halted as Daniels waved them down. Daniels said, "Your late."
"We got ambushed by a small group of Vietcong, so lets get going." proclaimed the gunner. The vehicles accelerated down the road. Dog Company trailed down the side of the thin rocky road. Gun fire and mortar fire could be heard from a distance. The tanks took up position on the main street leading into Quang Tri. North Vietnamese were everywhere, in the windows, in the streets, on the roofs. Tank shots echoed through the town as they expunged buildings. This will be a arduous undertaking.

It's good. I'm not usually into war things, but I like it. Interesting. You definitely capture your reader. It's just a little too short. I would suggest lengthening it. Maybe exaggerate on their flight for freedom or other difficulties that they may have encounter. It was a little rough, but good for a first draft. Keep up the good work. Writergirl

Not bad, but i think you should study up on some war in general. Find a good war book (maybe D-Day, stephen ambrose may seem a bit boring but good info and well written). Learn how a lot of battles play out, they may be different but a lot of reocurring events will happen. This will help you in your fighting scenes.

Also just try things like this little skirmishes, try to go into a little more detail it helps develop the mood and what your characters are feeling (also good language use helps emote things as well).

But relatively good job, but study up.

DQ

Thanks for the advice.

I agree with DQ. The only other thing I have to say is that there is no corn in Viet Nam. They grow rice, not corn.

It's good. Something minor, in the first or second sentence, you have "was" instead of as. Also, you use "chopper" and "said" too much. Find synonyms for them. Perhaps ordered, proclaimed, shouted, just to list a few. It's good thoug. Add more! Writergirl

Better, lets see some more.

Retreat! Retreat! Gun fire, that's all there was to hear was we were running for our lives.

I think that you should put the beginning of this in quotations like this: "Retreat! Retreat! Gun fire!" that's all...

I really like war stories and I really enjoyed this. There are some really good descriptions in this. Maybe try putting a line between each paragraph though it will make it easier to read.

Pretty good, it kept my attention, even though I'm not overly fond of this genre!

Okay, because the quote thing is far beyond me, I'll just use copy and paste!

Daniels said, "Your late." Here, it should be "you're late"

Also, read it allowed, and you'll see that normal people in a war use contractions. Right now when I read some of the dialogue, I feel like they're somewhere else, detached, not focused, and speaking way too properly. Really, change things like "I will" to "I'll". Then it'll sound more real. Also, in the sentence "we watched as they were soon taken prisoner by the Vietcong", get rid of the soon. without it, there's more emphasis and effect. The "soon" ruins the mood.

So with those changes, or whatever you feel like doing, this'll be great! But listen to the other people too.

I have served in the US Army for almost four years now and I would like to offer some constructive criticsm that will make your story more realistic. Unfortunately, I am on my mobile phone and I will post more later. But:

- There was very little armored activity in Vietnam, but there was a lot of Air Assault (then called Airmobile or air cavalry) activity. Be careful how you use armor in a vietnam story.

-phonetic pronunciations at the time had switched from the wwII era "able, baker, dog" to the modern "alpha, bravo, delta"