Young Writers Society

This was short & sweet (: I think the length was just right & I already like the sound of this
To my critiquing:

The night outside was full with carriages filled with elegant people going to lavish balls, yet inside one townhouse a young girl waited in the silence.

Even though full and filled are different words, they still originate from the same word so using them in the same sentence sounds a bit repetitive. Do you get where I'm coming from? So maybe you could alter that ...

Through out the evening

Shouldn't it be one word? Throughout?

Thought[s]'[/s]s about being orphaned

No need for an apostrophe there

About the doctor: His graying hair and wrinkled skin showed his age.
About her dad: His graying hair was balding and he was tucked away underneath the thick covers.

You've used the same description on two different men .. try altering one of them ...

Sophia took her father's sweaty hands and held [s]it[/s] them close to her heart.

Awww like this sentence

“Your three suitors.” And at those last given words, Sir George Selwood gave his last breath.

Ohhh, liking this Who are Sophia's 'three suitors'?? Guess I'll just have to read on to find out hehe


Really liked this, I think the length suited this perfectly & PM me when you post the follow up piece!!
Hope this critique helped, you know how nit-picky I am in reviews I just hope it helps
Lucyy xx

Lucyy-
thanks for the review! It helped and I'm going to edit it when I finish the next piece.
-Merry

Ooooohhhh, Merry! Right after that last line about the three suitors, I got goosebumps and I just knew this would be good story

Throughout the evening, the Selwood household was to remain quite and wait for the time to come.

“quiet” instead of “quite”

Sir George Selwood was in his deathbed and any given moment would be his last on earth. Mr. Selwood was dying at the age of fifty-four and tonight would be his last.

You use “last” too frequently here. I would reword these two. Also, they both kind of say the same thing so maybe all you need to do is combine.

Several times through out the night, the doctor would come out of the room and give any updates from the dying man.

“any” isn’t necessary here. You can just cross that out. Keep it in there makes the sentence really choppy.

As Sophia paced back and forth in the hallway, worry swam all through her chilled bones. What will become of me, if he dies? Thoughts about being orphaned or living with an unknown relative scared Sophia.

This was good! I really liked how you got into detail about her fear of the unknown. Very realistic. But I must say, I think it would be even better if you added even more of it. This is a perfect opportunity to really let your MC’s personality shine through.

As she tried to keep herself awake, the grand clock, downstairs, struck ten o'clock. Calm down Sophia.

No need for the comma after the first “clock”
But there should be a comma after “calm down”

Don't worry Sophia, it can't be that bad.

Comma after “worry”

All right, Merry, I think you did really well with this! I really enjoyed it. But I do have some things to point out that you might want to watch out for:

1. PACE. I felt that it was very rushed. It took me only like five seconds to read, but that might just be me being a fast reader I’m not sure…but I do think you could have slowed it down by adding Sophia’s thoughts on the matter. Is she sad her father’s dying? Worried about future plans? Is she impatient that the doctor is taking so long? Or would she rather be out partying than here with her father? Stuff like that. Also, this way, you can show us how the relationship between father and daughter is.

2. “LY” WORDS. Maybe it’s just ‘cause I’m in a picky mood but I noticed that you use “ly” words a lot, and in close proximity. I would try to cut those out. You don’t always have to describe them in that way. Experiment with different ways and that will definitely help.

3. SIR SELWOOD. There isn’t much on him yet. We only know that he is bald. Try to show us more through Sophia’s eyes. That way we can feel more for him when he dies.

Other than that, this was great!

On to chapter one>>>>>>

i got goosebump when i read the last line.

it's seem good, but i should go and read the others chapter that you have post.

now, i am off to read the other chapters. i will probably read chapter one tonight and the read chapter 2 tomorrow.

good luck with continue your stories.

Oh! Oh! OH! TOTALLY HOOKED.
Very well written.
But, uhm what time are they in? Well, suitors should give it away, yeah?
ha! I'm gonna go read the rest.

Oh wow. This is amazing! (:

Holy Moly! This was addicting to me. I loved the suspense and the mystery. I have a few questions though. How old is Sophia and are they poor or rich? But once again I am totally hooked. LOVE IT!

Wow, I love the new improved preface!! You wrote it beautifully & the starting paragraph was just amazing, it drew me in straight away!
This preface built up loads of suspense & I'm off to read the next chapter straightaway!!
Lucyy xx

This is a great preface - I get information about Sophia, I get suspense, I get the idea as to who the suitors are and I get a great setup for a plot! There are a few grammatical errors, however.

The young girl, Miss Sophia Selwood was told by the aging doctor to not disturb her father until he came to get her.

You need a comma after Selwood.

Will I be looked down upon or worse fend for myself?

You need a pause, in the form of a comma or dash, between upon and or. This would increase our understanding of Sophia being scared of having to fend for herself.

She squeezed her eyes shut of the pain, for a second, then looked down at her pink arm.

It's "squeezed her eyes shut from the pain", not of.

He was getting worse after his wife died sixteen years ago.

The first part of the sentence makes you think he is getting worse through the hours, but then you explain he got worse when his wife died. You have written it as though he is getting worse in the short-term, then confuse the reader by making it long-term. You need to write how the death of his wife caused him to become worse, because now it does not make sense.

Sir George Selwood gave his last breath.

Have you ever given a breath? I haven't. It's not the appropriate verb for breath. You breathe a breath, you let out a breath, you take in a breath, but you do not give a breath. You need to change it.

This is shaping up nicely! I'm going to go read the rest now, because it sounds well worth reading!

Hello Merry!

Okay, I liked this. Its a relief to read one of those 18th century novels. I'm been busy trying to write mine and I am now officially taking a break, so I will say bravo! Some writers come out and so "The father was about to die" But your style and the descriptions were so elegant and lovely. It kept me at the edge of my seat and the last sentence! I'll admit, there could be a little bit more descriptions here and there. Maybe describe how gray and desolate the house seems now that death has knocked on its door. Moans, of pain, probably pour out into the hallway or something. Other than that, it was good and Sophia is a likable character and these three suitors? Well we shall see.

Ta for now,

~Angel

I very much enjoyed this piece. I thought that you gave superb detail and showed the characters emotions very well. It has potential.