Young Writers Society

Only a few small alterations I have spotted:

“Because you're the only child, Sophia,

“Because your the only child, Sophia, your father is leaving his fortune with you. Except with conditions.”
“What conditions?”

Maybe you could a thought/emotion of Sophia as she learns about these conditions. Eg, is she confused, worried, anxious etc ...

Sophia seemed lost but somehow [s]got[/s] understood what her father wished for her

I think 'understood' would sound better

Whoever they are, I will try my best to pick the right one. Sophia sighed as she looked out the window.

What does she see when she looks out of the window? (setting)

Sophia looked out the carriage window, Goodbye home. Miss Sophia Selwood and Maria were now off to a new start in life.

When Sophia's saying goodbye to her house, maybe you could add more detail to it. For example, have her looking out the carriage window at the house as it slowly moves out of her view? Do you get what I mean?
You could try something like: Sophia looked out of the carriage window, watching as the grand house she could no longer call her home unless she found a husband faded out of sight. (something along those lines but better put)

I think to improve you could add some setting of the house as throughout this chapter I was unable to paint a picture in my mind of her house & also a short description of Mr. Kingsford?

Overall I liked this & its building up the suspense as I'm curious as to who these three suitors are & how she will find them!!
I hope this review helped & I can't wait for the follow - up. You have to PM me when you post it
Lucyy xx

Sophia got used to this everyday, with barely having no breath.

You need to reword this sentence. Try reading your sentences out loud to see if they make sense.
Decide whether you are going to call her Sophia or Miss Sophia. It's confusing when you switch back & forth.

Sophia knew that Maria was a little to weak to tie up the strings for the corset,

It should be too.
Describe what Sophia looks like. What Mr. Kingsford looks like. What her home looks like.

Maria, Sophia's maid, is a young girl with dark brown hair and pale skin. She's been in the Selwood house for the past several years and is always been obedient and helpful to Miss Sophia.

Here you do a pretty good job of describing Maria, but you forget to describe the other characters and their surroundings.

Sophia, then slipped on her white slippers and left the room.

This would be better worded as: Sophia slipped on her white slippers and walked out of the room.
It is a pretty good story but it needs some work.

Lucyy & booklover-
Thanks for the helpful reviews. I actually revised and edited this chapter into two parts. So thanks, again.
-Merry

Okay, I just got done correcting your full Chapter One, and when I signed in to YWS and saw that you had it broken up, I was like “No!” hehe I had to do the whole correcting again…

But that’s okay because I like the story! It was interesting, Merry. Now it sounds like some game that her father wants her to play. So original, Merry!

“Good morning, Miss.” Maria was laying out Sophia's baby blue muslin on the light brown couch in her room.

Wow, lots of description here. It seems like you are over emphasizing the muslin and couch. Try something like: …laying out Sophia’s baby-blue muslin over the tan couch. We already know she is in her room so that last part is not needed.

“He's in your father's study, Miss.” The young girl mentioned.

Comma after “Miss” instead of a period. And a small “t” on “the”

“Good morning Miss Sophia.” As Mr. Kingsford smiled.

“As Mr. Kingsford smiled” what? You just cut it off. Might need to add more there

Good, Merry. I really like this story.

On to Part Two>>>>>>

Ashley-
Sorry that you had to do the correcting thing again. I thought it'll be easier for me to break it up in two parts.
Anyway, thanks. Sometime today, I'll edit it.
Oh, and actually I have the whole storyline down, but I'm not going to give anything away.
So I'll send in the next part later today. Thanks, again.
-Merry

ohhh cool.

it's not everyday that the daughter is listed into the fortune becaus eof her her being a female. i have a feel that this is going to be interesting and scary at the same time.

because she will have to deal with fortune hunter and rakes.


seems good for so far, i am off to read the second part of this chapter.

LOVE IT!
The only thing that bothered me is her dress. Depending on the time, she would have a skirt and like a pettie coat and all this other crappy layers, not just the gown. I don't know all the details, but I know that much.
Well, I'm off to see what those 'conditions' are!
So excited!

jasmine12-
I didn't know that for the outfit. I'll have to change that for the story. So thanks for info.
But this is the 18th hundreds.
Otherwise, thanks for reading!
-Merry

(: This is a really good story!

The ending of this is just great - I love the way you've changed this to two parts a chapter - builds up loads of suspense!!
I'm off to read the next part,
Lucyy xx

This has maintained your standard of excellence. But there were a few grammatical mistakes:

The Monday, early morning light pierced through the glass windows, waking up Sophia.

You should have "The early Monday morning light", because Monday is not an adjective for light. You can get rid of "through" altogether, because you pierce something, you don't pierce through it. And I would have "waking Sophia up". I think it sounds better, but that one is more up to you.

I will never be used to wake up like this.

It is "I will never be used to waking up like this." She is speaking of getting used to a task, and what are tasks for? Doing. Wak-ing.

Maria, Sophia's maid, brushed her long, dark hair out of her eyes showing her pale skin.

There should be a comma after eyes, because her eyes do not show her pale skin, brushing her hair out of the way does.

The unspoken thought came with Sophia smiling at Maria and asking for the white corset.

This is strange. Maybe you should have "This thought came to her as she asked for the white corset." Thoughts are always unspoken unless you actually say that the character speaks them. And the "coming with" thing just sounds a bit weird.

Maria then took the white corset and started to pull tightly to tie the strings. With having barely no breath to speak, Sophia still went on everyday with the corset tightly on her.

These sentences are plain confusing. Maybe if you rewrote it more cleanly, like saying that she tied "it" instead of "the strings", and just "with the corset on her" instead of "tightly on her". Having barely no breath to speak indicates that Sophia wishes to have no breath, so instead you should have "With barely any breath to speak".

“I see. Yes. Okay.”

Is he talking on a phone? This doesn't make sense. Unless he has an invisible friend or is talking to himself, people don't normally talk like this when organising their thoughts.

Overall a fantastic and enthralling story, but be careful about your grammar.

This is my kind of story!
Great job, I was able to visualize it in my head easily.

This was a good piece. I really enjoyed it.
Although there are some things you can improve on.
First of all, to me, it felt like a plain cracker, without anything on it. A really good base, but you need some seasoning, some flavor, some pizzaz. Put in descriptions, really pretty language that puts me into the century. That would make it really fun to read.
Also, you repeated words a lot. Like "Maria" and "corset" change it up a bit or else it sounds redundant.
And the fathers death took me by surprise. You told us the mother died, but I don't remember you mentioning the father. Maybe I just missed it, so disregard this if I did.
One more point I want to make is that, when you say what Sophia is thinking, it kind of sounds like she's a young child. If she's old enough to inherit things from her father's will, then she probably would have some more mature thoughts.
But anyway, I really enjoyed it.
Keep up the good work.
-jade.

There are some grammar mistakes, but otherwise this is shaping up to be a lovely story so far. I enjoy the insight we get to Sophia's inner thoughts and the fact that you've included some suspense this early in the story. The one thing I'm having the most trouble with is really that I'm not sure when exactly the story is set.

I noticed that you mentioned it was somewhere in the 19th century (or maybe I misread that and it actually takes place in the 1700's).

Mr. Kingsford seems like a nice man, and his introduction (noting his attempt at a smile) shed a little light on his character. Maria's inclusion was also a nice touch.