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Young Writers Society


MAFIA- little story



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Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 13
Mon Nov 24, 2008 5:42 am
1993vlad@gmail.com says...



Two man where sitting on a street bench, both of them where wearing a Brown sport coats, open with vest and a brown tie, a brown fedora-narrow brim hat, and some men’s brown dress pants.
One of the men had a newspaper in his hands and was covering his face with it while the other looking across the street at a Tailor shop. On the newspaper it spelled out in big black letters at the top of the page (1930, New York Times) It was a very frigid condition; Christmas was coming in about three weeks.
The man who was looking across the street took a picture out of his pocket and absorbed it. The picture was in black and white, it showed a face of a man on it, a man who was guilty in a crime against the family.
The newspaper was closed and thrown into a recycling bin right next to the street bench. Words came out of a man’s mouth who had the picture in his hands “Ippolito will come out of the shop in a matter of five minutes, you better get ready”
The street light was blinking a little bit on the side of the street that had the tailor shop. The picture was placed back into the man’s pocket, inside the shop he could see Ippolito paying money to the casher while his body guard who was double his size was standing right behind him looking around at different clothing, so the man said again “let’s go”
Together they got up and walked across the night time street, as they where crossing the road, the door into the shop opened and from inside came out Ippolito with his body guard.
The two men did not glance at Ippolito or his body guard as they walked across the street. One of them walked left and the other one right so Ippolito would be right in the middle. As Ippolito and his body guard began walking left the person on the left stopped while the person on the right walked right behind Ippolito.
The person on the left just stopped and his back was leaning to the wall of the shop as he placed both of his hands into his pockets waiting for Ippolito to walk up to him. The person on the right was walking right behind Ippolito. The street did not just have these four people but it had lots more walking in groups of two or three.
When Ippolito was about one yard away from the person on the left he stopped for a second and something in his body made him wonder who that person was. Then Ippolito turned around and saw the person on the right side of the street walking toward them.
The body guard took out a pistol out of his side pocket but it was too late because the man on the right took out a magnum and pointed it to the back of his head. Then the person on the left took out a magnum and pointed it to the back of Ippolito’s head.
In only one second both triggers where pulled and the bullets flew all the way throe Ippolito’s and his body guards faces. Ippolito dropped down to his knees, and then fell on the side walk just like his body guard did.
Some screams where heard on the other side on the street and all the people on the street ran away in different directions. The two men where gone and so were Ippolito’s and his body guards lives.
Such a thing like this was a normal thing for the mafia back in the day, they go there and there, they kill people there and there, then they get further instructions from a man who is a higher rank in the family.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1696
Reviews: 39
Wed Nov 26, 2008 2:25 pm
moon jumper says...



Hmm. This is a rare subject. I have never seen anyone here write about the mafia. Very interesting.

1) Physical

Together they got up and walked across the night time street, as they where crossing the road, the door into the shop opened and from inside came out Ippolito with his body guard.

This confused me at first. Because when I pictured the men in the beginning, it was daylight for me. You should say in the first few lines that it's nighttime, so the reader can picture the story correctly.

You write nicely - the story was shown not told; and this is a really good beginning because now the reader is asking, "Why did they just shoot those two guys in public?! What were the crimes?!" And it baffles the reader even more when you tell it so calmly. Wonderful!

The street light was blinking a little bit on the side of the street that had the tailor shop. The picture was placed back into the man’s pocket, inside the shop he could see Ippolito paying money to the casher while his body guard who was double his size was standing right behind him looking around at different clothing, so the man said again “let’s go”

The word "let" should be capitalized here.

Together they got up and walked across the night time street, as they where crossing the road, the door into the shop opened and from inside came out Ippolito with his body guard.

Keep this sentence because it crutial to the story, it also helps the reader to remember it's nighttime. OH! Just realised! I don't know but I think that "nighttime" can be spelled two ways...

The description of the two men cornering Ippolito was great. I could totally see the actions taking place. But, you might want to add more description for Ippolito - the reader might feel cheated there since there wasn't much being told about Ippolito's fear. Anyone who's sane would be scared of being shot. SO just add some adjectives and you'll be okay.

Some screams where heard on the other side on the street and all the people on the street ran away in different directions. The two men where gone and so were Ippolito’s and his body guards lives.
Such a thing like this was a normal thing for the mafia back in the day, they go there and there, they kill people there and there, then they get further instructions from a man who is a higher rank in the family.

Alright, here it just ends. Capeesh? (Haha, I'm trying to be funny...) It left me hanging so to speak. What I'm trying to say is your ending doesn't really end it strong enough to say "This is the end! Read the next chapter!" Your ending might need to go through boot-camp.

2) Mental/Emotional

Well you tell it the way it is, which gives me the mafia feel. No funny buisness - just what it is. Good job.

3) Diagnosis

Overall it is a good story. Just fix a few thing and good through some editing stages.

These things take time, countless editing stages, drafts, and night staying up til three or four because you thought of the best idea ever and couldn't sleep for fear you would forget it.

Just keep writing!

And if you need anything at all, just PM me.

~jumper
Writing once a day keeps the voices away, and I've created a blog all about it: Daily Dose.
...and I'm now trying to create a user group based on the idea! Tell me if you're interested!
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 2926
Reviews: 122
Thu Dec 11, 2008 11:02 pm
lordgluzman says...



AWSOME!!!! This is much better then the WEED song you wrote. I am now happy again. The stroy was coolio and interesting. Except the problem is I think you should have names for the two Mafia members that killed Ippolito with his body guard. Then the readers will understand better. SO GREAT AND AWSOME JOB!!!!
Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 690
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Sun Feb 08, 2009 1:21 am
Dally says...



Just wanted to say this was one of the first stories on this website I read, I really love all things to do with the Mafia: the Sopranos, godfather and Once upon a time in America! So for that I loved it! And I will say you played the angle right that its: "No funny business... straight to the point"

But I'm not brillient at English/literacy so I won't comment there...
When all else fails... Hit with a hammer!
  








Poetry and prayer are very similar.
— Carol Ann Duffy