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The Curses of Elsa: a medeival 'witch girl'



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Sun Dec 21, 2008 2:19 pm
vox nihili says...



The Curses of Elsa
A girl with sand-white skin strolled in the common. Tendrils of flaming auburn curls spilled from beneath a kerchief that was tied tightly about her head. She had fine, intelligent eyes, silver pools of storm clouds that orbited around a vortex's eye of black. A set of narrow, bow-shaped lips graced her chin below a blunt, small nose. She was indeed a striking beauty, as many a stranger should stop and glace at the fair maiden.
"Elsa! Elsa!" exclaimed a young boy of her age, His dark hair falling from its pigtail into his eyes as he ran, grabbing her arm. "Jorsch, I believe I can find my way through the market square," she stuttered, a melodic voice broken by muted noises that made bystanders stare.
"Elsa! You know what will happen if anyone sees you..."
"If anyone sees me? All these people have done so far is go about their business. No exchanges have been made, and none has attempted to seize me."
"Elsa--" began Jorsch again, attempting to lead her away from the throng of shoppers.
But as his hand closed on her shoulder, she began to seize, her entire abdomen contorting and undulating, her arms shaking at her sides like branches in a gale. She bent and twisted, and he had to let go of her, or else he should be dragged to his knees. She bent double, and then straightened up again, rotating her hips and spine in through a series of strange contortions. Then, an audible pop emitted from her back, and she grunted, standing straight. Elsa looked squarely into Jorsch's eyes, and murmured, "I believe I can manage on my own." He began to reach again for her, batting at her arm as she passed by, but stopped himself. She might as well go see what would happen, he thought spitefully.
That fool.... She was new to town, a naive little git, who didn't know which side of an ox you tied the rope around. But he’d let her go, just so she wouldn’t complain…
She scampered off, her brightly colored shawl’s hem playing on the cool fall breezes that drifted into their tiny village. Sharp accents rang out, voices arguing over whose fruit was better. Wives drifted in and out of thatch-roofed cottages, trellises of grape vines and clematis growing near the doorways, covering windows that gaped with hungry dark mouths, beckoning visitors into their depths. She trotted down the road past these dwellings, towards the river where the ships sat with their wide white and blue sails catching the gentle winds.
She didn’t tarry, her azure eyes straying from the path before her only to study a bird or a wild flower. She cared not for the people, for they should soon shun her. But she didn’t let her thoughts linger upon such grim matters, for she was, in her view, what she was. There was no changing it. Life still flowed about her, and she lived it as well as she could. A cry went up, and someone pointed as she stopped, bending over repeatedly. She could feel the rays of anger that emanated from the people’s eyes as she stood, hunched, bending, shuddering, bending, grunting, now singing out in a strange, muted voice that raised the very hairs on their backs.
She tried to speak beyond the muddled murmurs she emitted, but all that came out was “schowoowarroacggghaolloowwwfoorraaagoooonaoooo…” Nothing she wanted to say would come out. The spasms continued to wrack her, and she still stood, barely keeping her balance as powerful muscles in her back and torso contracted, pulling her abdomen into an L-shape over and over. Finally, it stopped, and she managed to stand straight, holding her breath, she ducked away as quickly as she could, hoping to escape notice, veiled by the backs of the crowd itself. She skittered over the rutted, dusty ground, stumbling to her knees over a tree root that protruded. A yell from farther behind made her look up to see a man in a dark robe, his stern gray eyes staring down at her with strange solemnity. The man turned to another, his companion, whom stood in an identical dark robe, and nodded. Silently, they each took hold of one arm, and pulled her to her feet.
She at first turned wonderingly from one to the other. But they didn’t return her gazes, so she began to speak to them. But her voice came out in broken, disjointed segments as her body began to spasm. They held her by the elbows, each bracing a hand against her shoulder. Neither man moved nor spoke, their eyes unfocused, they stared at the ground, chanting in a strange way that scared her more than her body’s spasms. Then they began to move, dragging her too quickly for her to keep her feet beneath herself. It was painful, and she yelped in anger, hoping to get them to stop. They neared the town’s church, they slowed, met by a group of others, similarly clad in the black woolen cloaks. They began to chant in low, slow voices, and the two original assailants dragged her down the center aisle of the church. In the dusty shafts of sunlight, they dropped her, allowing her to sit on her bottom, scooting a few feet away from these terrible people. Tears had begun to spring up in her eyes, and she wanted to run, or to perhaps disappear altogether, like a ghost. She rolled over, throwing her feet in a position which allowed her to stand. On trembling legs, she sprinted towards the altar, sobbing wretchedly. Her worn leather shoes clattered on the floor as she ran. From nowhere sprang a man in dark woolen garbs. His outstretched arms snared her, a fly in his web. He had caught her, and now pinioned her hands behind her back. She still struggled, but did so in an exhausted, flailing way. At the foot of the altar, he pulled her to a chair. She was pushed into the seat, her arms now bound with rough ropes to its back. The stiff fibers of the rope cut into her arms, and she took in long, shivering breaths as people began to throng around her, their dark robes trailing eerily in the shadows. In fleeting, panicked thoughts, she realized that the priest was among the group. She also recognized deacon with a distinct rust colored beard.
Why were they doing this to her? Nothing made sense! Then a gong was struck. The priest bellowed something in Latin, his voice fluctuating with intones of anger and awe. More gongs were struck, and Elsa began to convulse again, as well as she could, for her upper body was fairly immobilized. Her hands twitched at her wrists, her feet, knees, ankles contorting and jumping in strange ways. Even her hips began to thrust themselves forwards from the chair, making it rock and bang against the wooden floor. More voices rose, a dozen darkly clad figures dancing around her in a frenzied clamor. As her body wore itself out, her mind caused her more pain. They were…exorcising her? She had heard tales of it before in the dark near fireplaces on cold winter nights. But this was happening to her? The voices rose and fell, now shrieking in gibberish-like nonsensical phrases, bellowing words that were alien to her ears.
The tones seared her conscious, the figures now much too close to her for comfort. She felt an innate need to escape, the vicious mix of rage, fear and sadness broiling in her soul. Then, out of this, she started to scream. The men now began their chant in more hurried voices, several syllables per second, their bodies drifting in and out of the ring of people. Another strike to the gong filled Elsa’s ears with liquid pain, and she screamed, her voice screeching stridently over the deacons’ and priest’s. In her rage of panic, she began to contort her hands more yet, the chair now jumping around in its proximity to the altar. As she let lose another wail, the back of the chair, and her head, collided with the base of the altar. A large cross came smashing down on top of her, and she screamed again, now from pain as splinters of glass and wood grazed her skin, ripping the epidermis. A large shard of metal met her fingers, but hung there, sticky with the blood and mess of rope. Now, she began to saw at the bindings, her mind almost closing down except for the fact that she had to be free. She heard little of the men’s bellowing, didn’t notice their flailing motions of panic and indecision. All she did was saw continuously at the ropes. Then, with a final jerk, they loosened. She rose, screaming, and sprinted away towards the first row of benches. A glass window loomed there, the beautiful crystal panes leaded together in arrays of gleaming rectangeles. Elsa whirled for a moment as a man in the robe tripped, falling towards the window. He fell through in a moment, and she now sought the escape route he had created, neverminding the crunch of glass beneath her feet as she landed on him, hearing him grunt. She sprinted off, her entire body spasming in sobs. In fleeting half-thoughts of desperation, she began to realize was no more to these people than a possessed foundling, and would never be more.
.............
Feedback Welcomed!
Now for some background info: Elsa is a girl in the middle ages who has severe Tourette's Syndrome, just as I do... Except in the fourteen and thirteen hundreds, people didn't understand what was happening when someone had tics.... Read these links to learn more about Tourette's. weblog.php?w=1441 <<Blog
topic39868.html <<article
PS:There was a woman with it a duchess, who had it in the fourteen hundreds, and she eventually went to live in seclusion due to bouts of screaming and cursing. But I want to work through the scenario of a common person with the same condition of in that time period. I will continued the Curses of Elsa soon.
Cheers!
--Voxina
  





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Sun Dec 21, 2008 2:51 pm
Antigone Cadmus says...



She has Tourettes? That's interesting. I've never read a book that had Tourette's in it. That's really original idea, Vox.

You have Tourettes? Aww... *pats on head*

vortex's eye of black.


Do you mean "the eye's vortex of black"?

exclaimed a young boy of her age, his dark hair falling from its pigtail into his eyes as he ran, grabbing her arm.


I fixed a capitalization error here. his formerly said "His".
Pigtail? Do you mean pony tail? I think of pigtails as two little ponytails. This gives the reader (or at least me) a strange image.

She scampered off,


Should read, "She scampered off;"

Sharp accents rang out,


Should read, "Sharp accents rang out;" Semicolon use can be confusing :)
Also: Do you me sharp voices? Accents isn't really a synonym for voices.

She didn’t tarry, her azure eyes straying from the path before her only to study a bird or a wild flower.


Azure means blue. In the first paragraph, you said her eyes were silver.

They neared the town’s church,


One again, should read. "They neared the town's church;"

They neared the town’s church, they slowed, met by a group of others,


All the commas make this sentence choppy. I would rewrite as, "They neared the towns church and slowed upon meeting several people dressed in the same black cloaks" Or you could split your sentence into several.

deacons’ and priest’s


The deacons' and priest's what? Unless her voice is screeching over something tha belongs to the deacons and the preist, take out the apostrophe. It's for possession.

A glass window loomed there, the beautiful crystal panes leaded together in arrays of gleaming rectangles


I fixed the typo here. You had rectangles spelled wrong.

Hoped this helped! You're a good writer with an interesting idea; keep it up!
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85
  





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Sun Dec 21, 2008 4:08 pm
vox nihili says...



Thanks for the review! ;)
Cheers!
--Vox
  





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Sun May 16, 2010 2:04 am
Chasmira1060 says...



"A girl with sand-white skin strolled in the common. Tendrils of flaming auburn curls spilled from beneath a kerchief that was tied tightly about her head. She had fine, intelligent eyes, silver pools of storm clouds that orbited around a vortex's eye of black."

I find this chapter brilliant from the first. The above description of Elsa has such beautiful language, and it seems to come so naturally to you. I truly love how you throw us right into the middle of the scene; you make the story seem real, because the characters' dialogue gives hints of what is going on but doesn't reveal anything directly. I also like how you describe the priests and such coming for her; they felt so statuesque, looming like shadows, and her red hair was like a symbol of how much she sticks out; excellent visuals. I also commend you for making connections with Tourette's through your character. I had already guessed maybe that's what you were doing before I wrote your note, and I think it's a great way to connect with readers who face this and other such challenges. God bless as you write more and in all you do--and I look forward to reading more!
Bloodmaiden; Golden Healer, Dark Enchantress; Elantra: Song of Tears, Lady of the Dawn.
Visit the author, Christine E. Schulze, of these and other unique, exciting fantasy titles at
http://christineeschulze.webs.com/
  





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Sun May 16, 2010 4:40 pm
canislupis says...



Oh wow, I really loved this. The description and such was just wonderful.

Because Antigone's already gone over the nitpicky type stuff, I think I'll just talk about the first paragraph.

When I was reading this, it seemed to get stronger and stronger the farther I read, but I stumbled a bit over the first few paragraphs.

A girl with sand-white skin strolled in the common. Tendrils of flaming auburn curls spilled from beneath a kerchief that was tied tightly about her head. She had fine, intelligent eyes, silver pools of storm clouds that orbited around a vortex's eye of black. A set of narrow, bow-shaped lips graced her chin below a blunt, small nose. She was indeed a striking beauty, as many a stranger should stop and glace at the fair maiden.


So, "A girl with sand-white skin strolled in the common." Hmm. Strolled through the common? Strolled into the common?

Also, is sand something common in this culture? I kind of doubt it, so maybe find another comparison? (This is the tough part about historical fiction for me.)

The next sentences was too similar in structure, I think. It felt a little choppy to me.

Also, "glace" should be "glance." Both "she was indeed" and "look at the fair maiden" feel very 'telly' to me.

Like I said, it strengthened quite a bit as you went on. (Which is unusual, because if anything, most of the pieces I read on here tend to trail off a bit at the end).

But anyway, one last thing: Sometimes it felt like you were trying to pick a descriptive word to describe something, but it broke the flow of the story (more important than coming up with a new way to describe something, in my opinion.)

Eg:

wood grazed her skin, ripping the epidermis

This is a particularly good example because it made me stop and think about whether or not they had the medical knowledge of different skin layers then, and thus distracted me from the rest of the story.

So, I think that's about it. If you need another review or have questions, PM me!

See you around,

Lupis
  





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Wed May 19, 2010 2:36 am
Arya56227 says...



All I can honestly say is "WOW!" I felt like I was really there, witnessing all of this. You're writing--though there were a few grammatical errors--was amazingly vivid and poetic. I certainly hope you write more! I could read a whole book about this girl.

Also, I think its absolutely amazing that you're writing about this. I've been thinking alot about that lately myself--the supposed demon possessed people in the early years and what could really be behind there trouble.

I think writing, even in this context, would be a great way to spread the word about your disorder and help to familiarize people with it. Keep up the great work! I hope to see more from you soon. =)
"What if evil doesn't really exist? What if evil is something dreamed up by man, and there is nothing to struggle against except our own limitations? The constant battle between our will, our desires, and our choices?"
Libba Bray (Rebel Angels)
  





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Wed May 19, 2010 3:48 pm
skutter11 says...



I quite liked this piece. It had real emotion about it that was through the whole thing. I think this could go somewhere, so keep writing and I'll keep suscribing,

Skutter11, worst reviewee ever
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?
  





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Fri May 28, 2010 11:20 pm
SilverSharpie says...



I thought this was excellent and I guess whatever I say has sort of been said already. All I can say with out being redundant is I feel like this is a phenomenal story and it seems like you got so caught up in telling it, it went too fast for me to follow so maybe you could go into greater detail and length between all the actions you have in here but all in all- thanks for an amazing read that left me wanting more!
Know what I would love? A review!
topic64587.html
  





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Thu Jul 08, 2010 10:06 pm
TheEaseDropper says...



This was a very interesting piece of literature. It kept my attention, which does not happen often. I would like to read more if it. To me the story kind of stopped just when the good parts started to come in. But I really liked it. Keep up the good work :D
TheEaseDropper :)
  








I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
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