Young Writers Society

this is my first story i hope u enjoy it also if anyone does not know much about the roman army i can explain now a century in made up of 80 legionaries commanded bu a centurion and his second in command called and optio.



The First Taste
The Celts were all at the top of the palisade, banging their shields with their weapons and shouting their war cries hoping to intimidate the Romans. It was working. “Draw your swords lad, we’re going in,” cried Entores the centurion of the century. Lilannces gritted his teeth and prayed to the Gods that he would make it out this day.

The siege equipment had done its job; the enemy gates were completely destroyed the path lay open for the Romans. The century was less than twenty meters from the fort now easily in firing distance, rocks stones and spears were being hurled in the roman ranks. A hissing sound caused Lilannces to duck from an arrow coming towards him. The arrow went over his head and hit the man behind him. There was a sick squelching sound as it dug into his organs. “Shit” Lilannces muttered. Glancing back he saw a Roman bodies littered across the grass, not all of them were dead. Some were slowly crawling back and fourth crying out for assistance.

The century reached the gates now and slowly made their way in. “Slaughter the bastards!” the centurion screamed, taking up his sword and challenging the nearest Celt to him. Lilannce turned his gaze to a Celt, a young looking warrior with various tattoos around his body. Clutching his long Celtic sword he advanced towards him, swung it violently trying to connect with Lilannce head. Liannce managed to bloke the blow with his shield, the Celt growled in anger and tried to grab the shield and knock it away from him. Lilannce instantly dropped his shield and drove his sword as hard as he could into his enemy’s rib cage, the Celt made a faint gargling and made a feeble reach for Lilannce’s neck. With a bit of force Lilannce managed to free his sword and finished the Celt of with a quick blow to the head. Wiping his sword on the ground he noticed that the fight was nearly over, most of the Celts were either dead or dying, and the last few alive were fighting back to back or throwing their weapons on the floor in an attempt to surrender. The fight was over.

Lol, next time, critique other writers' stories and guilt trip them into checking this story out. It's essential to do this, especial if you're a historical fiction writer, just because this forum isn't as checked as others. Which kind of sucks, actually, but the people who do check this forum love giving solid reviews. It just takes them a little more time because they're perfectionists. Silly historians.

First of all, your Britishness is shining through. Lads? Shit? It amused me! But I don't think they would speak like that. Just because the Romans are played with English accents in the movies (no, seriously, they are!) doesn't mean that they should be speaking like the English.

Anyway, this story is a zoom-zoom story! it goes really quick and though we have a rough idea of how the battle turns out, etc., I don't really see what makes this a story. Instead, it seems like a summary, if that makes any sense. There is no conflict, other than the war, and though wars can be huge, epic conflicts, there seems to be no conflicts with the characters at all. And really, stories are tales about characters that go through conflicts, no?

So slow down and work more on what is happening, not just in the war, but elsewhere. That way, this will seem a lot more solid.

Which kind of sucks, actually, but the people who do check this forum love giving solid reviews.

Why, thank ye, Snoink.

It just takes them a little more time because they're perfectionists. Silly historians.

Sad, but true.


So, *looks up at story* War, eh? Battle lust, blood, gore, conflict with characters, griping, betrayal... All good things to have in any war-type stories. I shall be looking for the following in your story. Dun, dun, dun...

thank you for the reviews and also if you ask any historians or teachers they will tell you they talked like that thx

john

‘Ello! Welcome to YWS!

So, another historical fiction writer, eh?

*

Agreed with Snoink in the manner of that I’m reading a summery or a back-story of a grand scale battle that was decreased into three paragraphs. I know you mentioned this was your first, but come on man! You claim yourself a self-professed writer, right? Well, we writers have a terrible fault and that’s our imaginations. The majorities suffer in taming them before the buggers run off and create unrealistic havoc! In your case, you’ve managed to water down your imagination to a mere puddle. Set it loose, man! Go crazy! That’s what editing is for. Splurge now, edit later. Remember that.

Mistake number Uno:

also if anyone does not know much about the roman army i can explain now a century in made up of 80 legionaries commanded bu a centurion and his second in command called and optio.

If you have to explain, then you’re not doing your job as a writer. If the piece is well written, we as the readers will connect and understand. Even so, what you told us in the quote above speaks like a fortune cookie. I know nothing next to the period you’re trying to show us.

The Celts were all at the top of the palisade, banging their shields with their weapons and shouting their war cries hoping to intimidate the Romans. It was working.

Heh. Well, firstly, by using “Celts,” I’m assuming you’re aware of Celtic Ireland? As such, your Gael isn’t behaving or even dressing the way I see in my mind. Here, I’ll give you examples:

Celts circa 700 B.C.




Druid near Stonehedge. It's rumored the Ancient Druids built Stonehedge.


Check out this website for more info on Celtic Ireland. www.newworldcelts.org/celtichistory.html

Re-enactor - 3-1st Century BC Iron-Age Celtic warrior.


Check out this website as well.
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Gallery/4774/

As such, the most evident aspect that is lacking, is the neglect of mention the types of clothing your warriors would be wearing for their respected period. I’m not saying you have to indulge in two paragraphs of slamming us with description of clothing but show us as the battles carries on, in which might the Celt be wearing for garb in battle. By allowing us to know, it well really solidify the atmosphere. When I read historic fiction, I do so not because I love a good stirring story but because I’m a history buff and I want to dumped in the author’s world. Feel what the characters feel, know the world, and just escape into a long forgotten realm of the past.

You have not accomplished this feat. Instead, you rush through the story without paying attention to your character’s traits. You’re too focused on finishing than to take a step back and learn about them. How would you feel? What might be going through your mind if you were locked in a 5th or 6th Century battle? Fear? Adrenaline? Anger? Sadness? Depression? Hatred? See, we know nothing what your characters are thinking.

Plot

Uh, there’s none? What was the point of writing this story anyhow? For the sake of writing about war? If so, you really need to re-plan, then edit.

Characters

Too much jumping about. It was difficult keep track of who was who. This is because your chars are underdeveloped. There is a forum that Snoink hosts called, Characters Development. It can be found in the Usergroups section. As such, I recommend visiting the Resource section. There are scores of articles written about every topic known to man regarding literature. The nice feature is, the members write these articles. Go poke around, since this is your first story, and see if there is anything you could use to improve. After all, we as writers are always striving for perfection.

The Period

I strongly suspect that you negated the research department. If had done any in depth researching, I shouldn’t be confused at all what period you’re trying to portray. As a history buff, I’m only vaguely familiar because of my Irish decent and the reference to “Celts,” but beyond that, nope, haven’t a clue.

And, if you’re not feeling sleep deprived, then you’ve definitely haven’t researched enough, lol! Most historical fiction writers, myself included, sometimes spend hours reading, making sure every detail in our stories is correct to the period. For this, sometimes we’re up to the wee hours of the morning reading, thinking, stabbing in random directions, haha.

I gave you a few links to get your feet wet but you really need to spend some time just reading about the Roman Empire and Celtic Ireland. Actually, I’m not even sure Ireland would give two hoots about conquering an entire empire. Rome had already conquered Greece. Why would the Celts even jeopardize their homes, livelihoods and lands for a silly war? Land disputes? See, you need to research. Knock yourself out.

Hope this was helpful. Cheers.


EDIT:

if you ask any historians or teachers they will tell you they talked like that

Oh? So, I'm assuming you've spoken to these specialized teachers and these historians yourself?

I tend to disagree. In my mind's eye, Rome had their own dialect, probably speaking similar to Greece but with their own twang and the Gael would have had a deep Irish accent and would have spoken Irish Gaelic. Just because you're from England does not automatically mean other counteries carried the British twang, even though England DID influence a few fluxes so to speak in the New World as far as language is concerned.

Best of luck.

mmmmm i thought most celts did not wear amour untill 200 ac

Do more researching. I pulled those two sites in less than ten minutes. Did you read the rest of my review?

Sorry but I have to disagree with you saying that they used the word 'shit'.
Since it's an Anglo-Saxon word there is no way that it could have been used during Roman times since the Anglo-Saxons appeared much later on.
Its just small things like that which ruin the historical accuracy of a story and just make the reader lose interest completely.

The Celts were all at the top of the palisade, banging their shields with their weapons and shouting their war cries hoping to intimidate the Romans. It was working.

“Draw your swords lad, we’re going in,” cried Entores the centurion of the century. Lilannces gritted his teeth and prayed to the Gods that he would make it out this day. Capital.

The siege equipment had done its job; the enemy gates were completely destroyed the path lay open for the Romans. The century was less than twenty meters from the fort now easily in firing distance, rocks stones and spears were being hurled in the roman ranks. A hissing sound caused Lilannces to duck from an arrow coming towards him. The arrow went over his head and hit the man behind him. There was a sick squelching sound as it dug into his organs. “Shit” Lilannces muttered. Glancing back he saw a Roman bodies littered across the grass, not all of them were dead. Some were slowly crawling back and fourth crying out for assistance.

The century reached the gates now and slowly made their way in.
Capital. The
“Slaughter the bastards!” [color=#FF0000]the^ centurion screamed, taking up his sword and challenging the nearest Celt to him. Lilannce turned his gaze to a Celt, a young looking warrior with various tattoos around his body.[/color]

Clutching his long Celtic sword he advanced towards him, swung it violently trying to connect with Lilannce head. Liannce managed to bloke the blow with his shield, the Celt growled in anger and tried to grab the shield and knock it away from him. Lilannce instantly dropped his shield and drove his sword as hard as he could into his enemy’s rib cage, the Celt made a faint gargling and made a feeble reach for Lilannce’s neck. With a bit of force Lilannce managed to free his sword and finished the Celt of with a quick blow to the head. Wiping his sword on the ground he noticed that the fight was nearly over, most of the Celts were either dead or dying, and the last few alive were fighting back to back or throwing their weapons on the floor in an attempt to surrender. The fight was over.

Good work. I may be back for more editing soon!