Young Writers Society

The Legionary

Authors Note
The basic Roman unit was a century made up of 80 legionaries that’s the basic Roman solider equipped with a short sword, javelin and a shield who were commanded by a centurion and his second in command called an optio. Also the Ordovices are a tribe in mid Wales famous for their resistance against Rome
56 A.D
Mid Wales
Ordovices Territory

“I’ll never get used to this bloody weather!” Andinus sighed rubbing his hands together trying to build up some heat. “Out of all the places I could have been posted to, it was the land where the sun don’t shine.” “ If you don’t shut up I’ll stick my sword up where the suns don’t shine.” Evoto laughed giving him a friendly punch on the shoulder. “You’ll get used to it; you have only been here two weeks.” Evoto pointed out “give it some time and you won’t notice the difference.” Andinus got up from his mattress “I’m going for a walk anyone coming?” A few people muttered and shook their heads the rest pretended they didn’t hear anything. “Lazy fucks” Andinus growled strolling out of his tent.

It was cold, colder than inside. Most of the men were still asleep the only ones that were visible were on watch. “Can’t sleep?” Andinus glanced over his shoulder to see centurion Medius walking up to him his expression withered and depressed “Yes sir” Andinus straightened his back up and gave a half heartedly salute. Medius let out a long deep laugh “you don’t act like that now son, you’re off duty. So what are you really doing out here at this time of night.” Andinus hesitated before replying he had never spoken to a superior so closely before “I.... can’t go to sleep don’t know why, just thought I might stroll around for a bit get some warmth back into me. Medius pressed his hand against his sword that lay by his side “soon you’ll have more important things to worry about. We are going to take down that bloody Ordovices fort for tomorrow; you should start to think about that.” He smiled then walked off into the distance leaving Andinus to drown in his own misery.

Six Hours later

Heavy snow covered the ground; there were no sun just clouds that covered the sky. The first and third century were getting ready for the long walk to the fort, many of the other legionaries turned to great them off wishing them luck and saying they will be waiting for their return, but the truth was they weren’t expecting many of them to come back.

“Nervous?” Evoto asked tying up his shoe laces in a lazy manner “Why should I be?” Andinus asked looking annoyed in the thought that his friend was implying that he was some kind of coward. “It is you’re first battle surely you must feel something?” Andinus consider this for a moment thinking that if he said no Evoto may think that he was lying. “More curiosity than fear.” With that he winked and walked out followed a few minutes later by Evoto.

The two century’s encountered six hard hours of marching before they finally reached the fort. “Well its about time!” Andinus muttered trying not to collapse on the floor he could barely move Droplets of sweat were running down his face onto the ground, making small holes in the snow. “You useless fuck, get back in line!” Medius screamed. Andinus felt his face burning in anger and embarrassment in showing his failing strength. He quickly went back into his column and ignored the grinning faces around him. He glanced at the fort; it was not a big one, he guessed it only housed a hundred warriors. “Listen up lads.”Medius voice boomed out. “We are going to take the fort here a now, spare no one including women and children.” Andinus winced at that, he could not imagine himself killing a fully grown man never mind a women and her children.

Medius signalled to the other centurion then in a loud voice drew his short sword pointed it at the fort and said the words “advance.”

Part 2 coming soon

I'm working on a review now. Please don't hate me. xD I assume though you would want honesty, it's just I'm very picky with HF but I feel confident you won't seek and destroy! Lol!

OK first things first.You don't really give the character's much depth,we see what their doing but cant see them basically.What color is so and sos hair? Whats he wearing? The list goes on.One thing Ive seen a lot in HF is that writers sometimes like to 'hop' in and out of settings,writing the name of the place down and just going for it.I used to do it myself,and still catch myself sometimes writing 'Gallia' at the top of the page and just going for it (lol).But its just so much smoother when you move the setting with your words,gives you a lot to work on with characters,settings,the culture,and or anything else really.my point is it flows,binds well together, and would make this already amazing story better.Last thing, when it comes to equipment and stuff, as their are big difference's between a gladius and a short-sword, pilum and regular spears. This story is really good and has a lot of potential, i cant wait for the sequel .

Thank you for positive review 84 moss and i can also can not wait for your review Samuel lol.

Hey, mkjohns!

I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer today!

Whoa. There are way too many errors here to do a line by line.

Your major error is having several lines of dialogue in the same paragraph. Whenever a new person speaks, start a new paragraph.

Examples

Incorrect (this is the way you write it!)

"Hey, John!" said Richard. "Go away, freak!" screamed John.

Correct:

"Hey, John!" said Richard
"Go away, freak!" screamed John.

I can't even do a line by line because your lack of breaks in paragraphs is so overwhelming. Fix this and I will definitely do a super-in-depth, line-by-line review.

On Swear Words

The F word was not used until 1500. This is way too early.

The f word first appeared in the poem Flen Flyys, which was composed around 1475.

There are other Latin swears you could use such as, "Hercule!"

Get into the time period.

It seems like you have basic knowledge of Romans, but to write a historical novel you need to know them like the back of your hand.

Fix the dialogue and I will do a line-by-line!

Hope this helped,
Sakura

No worries. I haven't forgotten. Still working on it. I just got sidelined. What with the re-enacting season begining in a few short months, my time is slowly becoming limited.

Besides, I get distracted easily. Hehe.

Speech/Dialect:

I mentioned it before in my last review. Whether you read it, or chose to ignore my advice but in my mind’s eye, Romans did not speak or even carry the British twang. I would think they would sound almost as if they had a slight accent hailing from Greece.

Just because you are from England, doesn’t mean you should allow your chars to carry the Brit twang, unless of course they are British. You’ll have to prove to me that Romans had the thick dialect of Britain.

As such, “shut up, fuck, bloody, lads…,” were most likely not said either or were even known in speech patterns in 56 A.D. Think about it. Weaponry, clothing, armor; the world during those times was primitive. Unfortunately, any historic records that would pertain to such a long, lost era have most likely been destroyed thousands of years ago.

So, how do we fix that little problem, eh? Move forward in time. Try finding quotations from 800 AD to 1200. Yes, there is a huge rift in the timeline but since we have no concrete notion of how they spoke “in the day,” in 56 AD, at least with this experiment, you can get a firmer grasp of speech, and hopefully, incorporate the lingo into your char’s voices. Right now, they sound far too modern. Modern speech with any period from the 1700s and backwards is a HUGE turnoff for me when I read historic fiction. It’s not difficult in taking a little extra energy in learning dialects of the specific period; it just takes an absurd amount of effort and time but if you enjoy historic fiction, get used to the work involved.

Dialogue:

I couldn’t follow anything that partook in your story. Your dialogue is all bunched up and it just looks sloppy and horrid in globs of paragraphs.

Every time a new person speaks, you must start a new line. You cannot have two characters conversing in the same paragraph. Why? Well, we might have to stab you in random directions, hehe. And you certainly don’t want to be fleeing from a horde of angry writers/readers.

Instead, the basic grammar technique, if you will, for dialogue is this:

“Hey there!” Don smiled.

“Hi,” Jay responded in a less enthused tone.

“Are you going to the game?” Don asked, hopeful that his friend would accompany him.

“Get lost. Jerk.” And then Jay tromped off, still perturbed that his so-called buddy slept with his younger sister.

Again, every time a new character speaks, you need to make a new line. So, please fix that mistake.

Charactization:

Charactization is a difficult skill to master. It’s just as, if not equal to, creating natural dialogue. Charactization is the art of showing your readers how your characters interact with one and another in their own special way.

As in life, we as the human race are a dysfunctional, cruel and unhappy group. We are by far anything remotely related to perfection. If fact, we sort of piss on the term on a regular basis. Fortunately, we as writers can wield some amazing scenarios with our chars just by paying close attention to real life. All you have to do is grab a notebook and a pencil for quick edits, and just hang out in a mall or park and eavesdrop, haha. Record any special detail in your book such as interesting phrases. Perhaps an article of clothing was unusual and proved to be unique to you. Watch closely how different groups of people interact with one and another.

We call this technique – besides being nosey! – People Watching. It’s a wonderful tool for the writer and, it’s so simple!

Once you’ve gained a firmer understanding with the importance of natural dialogue, charactization will surely follow and a splendid thing will begin. Well, actually, splendid in the manner that your chars will begin coming to life in a more concrete form; bad for you personally because they will destroy all your hopes and dreams with one full swoop! Lol! In time, you’ll understand, or know, that we do not write the stories. Our characters are fully in charge and will fight you, tooth and nail, if you disobey them.

Description:

Again, you negate on showing us what the warriors are wearing. Instead, you tell us even before we have a chance to read the story. This is a BIG no-no. Show us through examples what the soldiers are using for weapons and armor. Maybe they’re not wearing armor at all but are actually nude, wrapped up in pelts. I tend to think the Romans would not be wearing pelts or going to battle nude, haha! It’s just an example.

Further, I’d totally erase the little intro above, except the date. If your choice of words is strong enough, you will not need a crutch [intro] to slam us with unnecessary information.

Actually, I would be very, very curious in learning more about the period you seem so fond of but alas, you’ve chosen not to share your expertise. You’ve left me in the dark.


Best wishes with future projects. As for me, I may start a novella focusing specifically inside Valley Forge. My chosen era is Colonial America, mostly in the era of the American Revolution but I occasionally dabble with the 1600s too.

If I do begin this project, the title will be Proctor, which is my name in the unit I re-enact. The problem is, I portray a Private in the British Army and my main character will be in Washington’s Army, LOL! Such irony!

Cheers!

Hey. I like the idea so far; Romans have fascinated me for about 7 years now. Sooo..I'll get started I guess. I'll just suggest stuff as I think it should be your call for what you do with your own stories.

“I’ll never get used to this bloody weather!” Andinus sighed rubbing his hands together trying to build up some heat. ( I think that some description of their tent and the surroundings here would grab the reader and help to emphasise why Andinus acts like he is.) “Out of all the places I could have been posted to, it was the land where the sun don’t shine.”
“ If you don’t shut up I’ll stick my sword up where the suns don’t shine.” Evoto laughed giving him a friendly punch on the shoulder. “You’ll get used to it; you have only been here two weeks.” Evoto pointed out “(G)ive it some time and you won’t notice the difference.” (You could perhaps put something in here about Andinus' reaction here to make him seem more engaging.) Andinus got up from his mattress
“I’m going for a walk anyone coming?” A few people muttered and shook their heads(.) The rest pretended they didn’t hear anything. “Lazy fucks” Andinus growled strolling out of his tent.



It was cold(.) Colder than inside. (The two shorter sentences just give impact to how cold it is. Again just a personal preference.) Most of the men were still asleep(.) The only ones that were visible were on watch.
“Can’t sleep?” Andinus glanced over his shoulder to see centurion Medius walking up to him(,) his expression withered and depressed(.)
“Yes sir” Andinus straightened his back up and gave a half (hearted) salute. Medius let out a long deep laugh “(Y)ou don’t act like that now son(;) you’re off duty. So what are you really doing out here at this time of night(?)” Andinus hesitated before replying(;) he had never spoken to a superior so closely before
“I.... can’t go to sleep(,) don’t know why, just thought I might stroll around for a bit(;) get some warmth back into me. Medius pressed his hand against his sword that lay by his side.
“(S)oon you’ll have more important things to worry about. We are going to take down that bloody Ordovices fort for tomorrow; you should start to think about that.” He smiled then walked off into the distance(,) leaving Andinus to drown in his own misery.



Six Hours later



Heavy snow covered the ground; there (was) no sun(,) just clouds that covered the sky. The first and third century were getting ready for the long walk (Would march be better here? Just it's hard to imagine the best of the Roman legionaries walking to a fort? ) to the fort(.) Many of the other legionaries turned to (greet) them off(,) wishing them luck and saying they will be waiting for their return(.) But the truth was they weren’t expecting many of them to come back. (Again, just suggesting a new sentence to give impact to the soldier's fates.)



“Nervous?” Evoto asked tying up his shoe laces in a lazy manner. (Just me being really picky here but the Roman marching sandals didn't have laces. I dunno, it just seems a bit strange and out of place.)
“Why should I be?” Andinus asked(,) looking annoyed in the thought that his friend was implying that he was some kind of coward. “It is you’re first battle surely you must feel something?” Andinus consider this for a moment thinking that if he said no Evoto may think that he was lying. “More curiosity than fear.” With that he winked and walked out followed a few minutes later by Evoto.



The two (centuries) encountered six hard hours of marching before they finally reached the fort. (You could perhaps describe some of the terrain just to immerse the reader in the environment. They'll also sympathise with the soldiers to at their hard march.)
“Well its about time!” Andinus muttered trying not to collapse on the floor(.) He could barely move(.) Droplets of sweat were running down his face onto the ground, making small holes in the snow.
“You useless fuck, get back in line!” Medius screamed. Andinus felt his face burning in anger and embarrassment in showing his failing strength. He quickly went back into his column and ignored the grinning faces around him. He glanced at the fort; it was not a big one, he guessed it only housed a hundred warriors. “Listen up lads.”Medius(') voice boomed out. “We are going to take the fort here (and) now, spare no one(,) including women and children.” Andinus winced at that, he could not imagine himself killing a fully grown man never mind a wom(a)n and her children.



Medius signalled to the other centurion then(,) in a loud voice drew his short sword(,) pointed it at the fort and said the words “(A)dvance.”

I hope I wans't too picky? I don't like analysing peoples work too closely when I know that mine isn't perfect either but I've just voiced my opinion.
I agree with some of the other people with the insults. I doubt that Romans would have used the word fuck but, since I don't know what they would have used, I can't give you any other suggestions. Also a couple of small things (that only someone super picky like me could see) such as the laces on the boots. Aside from that, I think just a tad more description of the environment and people always helps to engage and draw the reader in.

But overall it's very good. I like the idea and story behind it. I like the setting and I think that characters are fairly well formed as they seemed realistic enough.

Again I want to make clear that I've just made suggestions. Whether you take them is up to you as its your story and, in the end, your choice.
Look forwards to reading more though...FOLLOWING!!

"I’ll never get used to this bloody weather!” Andinus sighed rubbing his hands together trying to build up some heat. should be a comma “Out of all the places I could have been posted to, it was the land where the sun don’t shine.”

“If you don’t shut up I’ll stick my sword up where the suns don’t shine. comma ” Evoto laughed giving him a friendly punch on the shoulder. comma “You’ll get used to it; you have only been here two weeks. comma” Evoto pointed out, “give <captial it some time and you won’t notice the difference.”

Andinus got up from his mattress, “I’m going for a walk anyone coming?”

A few people muttered and shook their heads the rest pretended they didn’t hear anything.

“Lazy fucks,” Andinus growled strolling out of his tent.

It was cold, colder than inside. Most of the men were still asleep the only ones that were visible were on watch.

“Can’t sleep?” Andinus glanced over his shoulder to see centurion Medius walking up to him his expression withered and depressed.

“Yes sir,” Andinus straightened his back up and gave a half heartedly salute. Medius let out a long deep laugh

“y You don’t act like that now son, you’re off duty. So what are you really doing out here at this time of night.”

Andinus hesitated before replying he had never spoken to a superior so closely before “I.... can’t go to sleep don’t know why, just thought I might stroll around for a bit get some warmth back into me. Medius pressed his hand against his sword that lay by his side “soon you’ll have more important things to worry about. We are going to take down that bloody Ordovices fort for tomorrow; you should start to think about that.” He smiled then walked off into the distance leaving Andinus to drown in his own misery. Have a look over it.



Six Hours later



Heavy snow covered the ground; there were no sun just clouds that covered the sky. The first and third century were getting ready for the long walk to the fort, many of the other legionaries turned to great them off wishing them luck and saying they will be waiting for their return, but the truth was they weren’t expecting many of them to come back.



“Nervous?” Evoto asked tying up his shoe laces in a lazy manner “Why should I be?” Andinus asked looking annoyed in the thought that his friend was implying that he was some kind of coward. “It is you’re first battle surely you must feel something?” Andinus consider this for a moment thinking that if he said no Evoto may think that he was lying. “More curiosity than fear.” With that he winked and walked out followed a few minutes later by Evoto.



The two century’s encountered six hard hours of marching before they finally reached the fort. “Well its about time!” Andinus muttered trying not to collapse on the floor he could barely move Droplets of sweat were running down his face onto the ground, making small holes in the snow. “You useless fuck, get back in line!” Medius screamed. Andinus felt his face burning in anger and embarrassment in showing his failing strength. He quickly went back into his column and ignored the grinning faces around him. He glanced at the fort; it was not a big one, he guessed it only housed a hundred warriors. “Listen up lads.”Medius voice boomed out. “We are going to take the fort here a now, spare no one including women and children.” Andinus winced at that, he could not imagine himself killing a fully grown man never mind a women and her children.



Medius signalled to the other centurion then in a loud voice drew his short sword pointed it at the fort and said the words “advance.”
good work.

Hey, I was browsing through His-Fic, and when I saw your story named 'The Legionary' I had to read it. I've always been interested in books based on Roman Warfare, but if I'm being brutally honest mate, it was a bit of a disappointment. All these other reviews are totally correct, you do need to work on your grammar and spelling, and get into the correct time for all your characters speech and actions. You haven't gone into any detail about your characters or the setting, and everything is kind of abrupt. You've thrown us straight in without any information, and you really need to expand and improve on every aspect of your story. I hope you do, I really would like to see a good Roman novel every now and again.