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Take Me Dead.



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Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:54 am
PenguinAttack says...



He sat facing the window, fingers slowly stroking across the iron chest plate next to him. It was dented, and the thin leather straps that held the pieces together were strained with the weight.

“I’m going to get killed.”
“We all die sometime.”

His head tilted slightly to the left and he looked out the thin glass to the sky. Clouds spread across his sight; the sky was fading from dark night to a starry morning, the glimmer of stars still bright against the surge of reds and oranges.

“Sure this will hold? I’m not going down because you don’t know what you’re doin’” He flinched at the growl that spat through the room.
“Have I steered you wrong?”
“I’m here aren’t I? Stuck with the paddies watchin’ me.”
"I can't be blamed for your stupidity."
"Stupidity? Heavens, you're someone to talk. You never said nothing."
“I told you not to kill the boy.”
"What was I meant to do, then?"
"Not kill him!" He looked away again, mouth twisted in a vicious sneer.
“Was Joe’s mate, he was. A traitor, the bastard.”
“I told you not to kill him. If this is going to happen, you need to listen to me."
“All right, cobber, you’ve got me all ears.” His head twisted to the side as he grimaced.
“Too right I’ve got your ears. Now listen, I didn’t come all this way to bloody whoop whoop to watch you bugger this up.”
“I did what – great Saint Peter! Let go of my bloody ears you bastard!”

His head jerked to the side, the tips of his ears red, except for two pale spots that crept to catch the rest of his ear in colour.

“You didn’t do anything I told you to, you lumbering crook. Now, the door’s out the back, near the dunny. Get out that way.”
“I’m not leaving my mates to get knocked off by the damned coppers. I’ll get out there and fight, by heaven.”

The slap echoed, and his face burnt in embarrassment.
“You’ll not go about hitting me like you own me, little man. I’m not going to stand for that.”
“I’m no man, and I’ll do what it takes to clear your stupid noggin. It’s almost dawn; you can see the light up there. They’re waiting for you, surely even you can realise that. ”

He scowled, looking out the window again, where the sounds of men coughing and rattling were clear. The slow shuffle and snort of the horses worried him; even if he took off down the back way, he might not outrun the bloody horses. Just like the gardai, the bloody coppers, to outnumber a poor man when he’s just trying to make a living. In another room the hostages whimpered and snored and he felt a twinge of guilt for the kids he’d scared and the parents that would have to deal with them.

“Get up, idiot, and get yourself out the back.”
“What about my mates? The blokes who brought me here, other’n you?”
“Forget them, they’re not important. I have a job to do, and you’re the one who’s going to do it. For your God’s sake, get up.”
“Don’t you use the Lord’s name in vain. Ma’ would have cut the ears from your head, if she ever heard that.”
“I don’t care what the stupid woman who birthed you said. Get the bloody hell out the back door.”

He stood now, livid lines of anger creasing his face. Without looking at the short, dark blue man who stood on the table behind where he’d rested, he lifted his armour and struggled into it. Iron helmet gripped in his right hand, he strode to the door. The little man watched him with a smug smile as he ripped the door open and strode to the front room, where his friends waited.

“Right then, mates. We’re on.” The little man spluttered on his shoulder, gripping his ear tightly.
“What do you think you’re doing? I told you to leave.”

He ignored the voice in his ear, the imp had mucked with his life to the point of breaking. His mother was the last point; a man should never have to defend his ma against slander. So his pistol raised and clicked as he set his helmet straight before striding out into the morning light with a grinning whisper.

“Such is life.”
Last edited by PenguinAttack on Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Tue Feb 17, 2009 1:24 pm
Mercury616 says...



PenguinAttack wrote:He sat facing the window, fingers slowly stroking across the iron next to him. It was dented, and the leather straps that held the pieces together were strained.

It's not clear what the iron thing is, in general. Is the leather strained from stretching? Or is it old and worn out?



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Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:22 pm
Meep(: says...



Ah, Mister Ned Kelly. The fascinating hero/villain.

Hiya there, Penguin! :D
Firstly, I'd like to point out that I liked the dialogue :D
Very interesting...and funny (don't ask me why)
I guess its because I pictured everything out,
With the silly armour and stuff, in an old black and white movie style XD
I didn't spot any mistakes,
But considering that I'm supposed to tucked under the covers,
Clutching a plush and drooling all over the pillow (I'm kidding),
I wouldn't be so sure. Not that I'm saying you are error-prone :D
I liked that it was short and sweet, and to the point.
It was succinct, and I really enjoyed reading this short little story.
Are you considering continuing it or something? ;)

~Meep (is sleepy)
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Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:35 pm
Ember says...



Penguin,

I really liked the way you put forth the dialogue. You could clearly see the personalities of the two characters less than halfway into the story. I don't know who Ned Kelly is, but I can kind of get an idea by the way you wrote the story. You could tell that the characters have some beef between each other because of the second man killing the boy. I didn't spot any spelling/grammar mistakes. Overall, great work!

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Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:32 am
Snoink says...



Tangent!

So first of all, I’m going to post my actual grades. Like I said, everybody did exceptionally well, and yours is no exception. What I graded on was grammar, originality, creativity, conflict, historical accuracy, and characters. I was hoping for an entertaining read that would amuse me, and I definitely got that!

Your story was interesting in its own right. Battles, military moves, blunders, imps twisting ears, stubborn soldiers... you get the gist.

Anyway, your results were as follows:

Grammar: 5/5

Originality: 14/20

Creativity: 10/20

Internal Conflict: 4/15

External Conflict: 8/15

Historical Accuracy: 5/5

Characters: 6/20

TOTAL: 52/100

Now... to explain why I chose the numbers I did!


Grammar: 5/5

Yay for gimme points!


Originality: 14/20

So! The reason why I picked the writing prompt was because you could do so many things with it and I wanted to see what exactly you did with it. The quirkier and more offbeat it was, the better. :) You got points for having it in the battlefield with two very unlikely pairings of the imp and soldier. Did I mention the battlefield? Yay for instant external conflict!


Creativity: 10/20

Basically, in creativity, I wanted to see what you would do to make this writing prompt your own. You... didn’t really do this, lol. I think you tried a different writing style, but you were rather clumsy with it. Experimentation is good, of course, but this seemed remarkably forced at times. Yet, I did like what you did with the description.


Internal Conflict: 4/15

Okay. This was really confusing. There was mostly dialogue and not much else, plus since it was a battlefield scene and stuff, that meant that all chaos was going on, but you didn’t let us into the different people’s minds and, when finally actions were done, it was confusing why they were done that way. So yeah. More on that with characters. :P


External Conflict: 8/15

Like I said, instant external conflict! However, I would have preferred to have more description so we could understand what exactly was going on.


Historical Accuracy: 5/5

Yay! Free gimme points! :D


Characters: 6/20

Again, really confusing. I was not sure who was who and there were really no descriptions of who was who and what exactly was going on. Because the setting was ambiguous, the characters seemed to have no grounding and they were ambiguous as well.


And there you go!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

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