Young Writers Society

Oona sat among the tall blades of grass of the bright, green Irish countryside. She looked into the dark gray sky, tears fell down her cold cheeks. Her home is falling apart because of her fathers condition and her mother says the food is running out. Oona twisted her bright red hair in her fingers. Oona remembered her fathers voice that morning, she remembered how he would stop every few words and breath slowly. Oona remembered that her father had gone unconscious yesterday when he had come home from the potato fields.
A raspy huffing sound floated into her ears from behind her. Jumping up, she turned.
“Hello?” She yelled. As her very own father came into view over the green hilltop, she gasped. The crisp winds blew her fathers hair around his face. His brow was covered in a shiny sweat and he held his chest tightly as he went on wheezing. Oona ran to her fathers side.
“Father!" Oona gasped, "Why are you here? Should you not be in the fields harvesting the potatoes?" She could sense that something was wrong.
“I...I...” His burly hand grasped harder at his sweaty chest. he started to sway where he stood. His already weakened knees suddenly gave way on the pathway of rocks. He fell to the cold wet ground. Oona fell to her knees beside him.
“Father?!” She started to scream frantically. She could feel his slowing heartbeat through his tan harvesting shirt. He reached up and took Oona's hand. He folded it onto his weakening heart.
“I knew this day would come.” He pulled her face close. Tears rolled down his face. Oona felt her heart twist in fear of what was happening. “I had a dream yesterday. In four years...there shall be...a famine." He touched Oona's warm, tearstained cheek. “You will go to the...ocean. You will leave..."
Oonas father lay on the path, breathing in slowly and calmly. "Father, stay with me, I am here."
"...Ireland in four...years. Eamon and Ailbe...your brothers...will follow in your footsteps.” He breathed in sharply and looked Oona in the eye.
“Daddy! Do not dare leave me. I need you! Please try to stay!” She cried into his hand.
“I love you child. You and your...mother are the stars...and the moon...to me. My sons are my...heirs. Let you all...prosper in...time. Tell your...mother I said... farewell and good luck. Tell her nothing...of my dream. I...love...you.”
His hand started to fall. His eyes started to close.
“No! Daddy, no! Don't you leave me! No! Please!!!” Tears streamed down Oona's face. They burned through her green eyes as she watched her daddy's soul depart. Shaking his shoulder she tried to wake him, though, she knew deep inside her heart, that he was gone.
“No,” She whispered to herself.
Leaning down to his ears she whispered “I love you daddy. Forever.” Kissing his cheek, and brushing the hair out of his lifeless eyes, she stood to go to Mama. To tell her mama how daddy was gone.

Hi, I'm Mia and I will be your reviewer today.

Oona sat among the tall blades of grass of the Irish countryside. She looked into the dark gray sky, tears falling down her cold cheeks. Home is falling apart, she told herself. I don't like that last sentence, why would she tell herself home's falling apart? Obviously it's something that she dreads and does not want to happen. Usually we tend to deny things we don't want to hear, not tell them to ourselves. I think it would be much better if you said: Home was falling apart, and she knew it.

A huffing and puffing sound floated into her ears. Jumping up, she turned.

“Daddy?” She yelled. As her daddy came into view she gasped. The use of the word 'daddy' in anything but direct speech is awkward. This is because normally 'daddy' is used by certain people as a name to call their father, a bit like 'papa'. You would not find a sentence saying: 'As her papa came into view.' Unless you were writing in first person, where it might be acceptable. Due to this I would change that last 'daddy' into 'father'. She ran to his side.

“Daddy, why are you here? Should you not be in the fields harvesting the potatoes?”

“I...I...humph. Ooh.” His burly hand grasped at his chest. That's just plain wierd. 'humph, ooh'? No. Just keep the 'I... I...' and then write: 'he mumbled, as his burly hand grasped at his chest.' or something along those lines.His strength suddenly gave out. He started to fall onto Oona.

“Daddy?!” She started to scream [s]franticly[/s] frantically .

She eased him onto the ground with difficulty. Falling onto his chest insert comma here she checked his heartbeat.It seems wierd to say 'falling onto his chest'. At first it seemed to me like she had literally tripped or something and fallen on top of him. I would suggest replacing the word 'falling' to 'leaning over' or something like that. It beat slowly and menacingly. He took Oona's hand. He folded it onto his weakening heart.

“I knew this day would come.” He pulled her face close. “I have had a dream. Beware in four years. There shall be a famine. You,” I would remove that last 'you', it seems unnecessary.He touched Oona's forehead. “You will go to travel the ocean. You will leave Ireland in four years. Eamon and Ailbe will follow in your footsteps.”

“Daddy, do not dare leave me. I need you. Please stay.” She cried into his hand.

“I love you child. You are the morning sun to me. You are the silver moon and every twinkling star. You are my love. Tell your mother I said farewell and good luck. Tell her nothing of my dream. I love you.”

His hand started to fall. His eyes started to close.

“No! Daddy, no! Don't you leave me! No! Please!!!” Tears streamed down Oona's face. They burned her eyes as she watched her daddy's soul depart. Shaking his shoulder insert comma here she tried to wake him. Though, she knew in her heart that he was gone.

“No!” She screamed.

Leaning down to his ears she whispered “I love you daddy. Forever.” Kissing his lips, she stood to go tell her Mama. This is just an opinion... but it seems wierd that she's kissing his lips if she's just his daughter? To tell her Mama how Daddy was gone.

Daddy was gone. Daddy was dead.

Grammar
I found that you have one general problem, your dialogue punctuation.
This, is wrong:

"Hello." Said Becky.

This, is right:

"Hello," said Becky.

See the difference? You're making use of the first one, which is wrong.
If you want some more information about this, check out the 'knowledge base' part of the site. There's a very good article about it which will give you all the details.

Characters
In my opinion, you need to work on this alot. All I got from Oona was that she seems babyish for some reason. I did not get much about her father because he has some sort of mini heart attack and then goes all prophetical. Explore their relationship a bit more, not just that normal 'father-daughter' one. Make it truly special and unique.

Overall
I would say this piece is good, but it needs a bit of work. Try describe the surroundings, the feelings and the characters a bit more. This will make the story much better and really help the reader get into the story and into the character's heads.

Keep up the good work.

PM me if you need any more reviews or if you have any questions.

xx mimi xx

This was good but, you have a lot to work on. For starters, you had a good hook but then, from there your characters are lacking. You need to describe what your characters look like, if they are nice, mean, helpful, lazy. Let us feel as if we have known them for years. Plus, this seems put together in haste. You did not take time to slow down and really describe things. This was a very well written piece yes but; it needs more. This was intriguing though. Keep writing! I really want to see what happens. *Gold Star*

hey!
Nice story, really like it! And now... Ta da! Reviews:

she was thinking 'home is falling apart' maybe you could explain the reason of her thinking so.
Why would her father be so calm? He was dying, the man should be freaking out too!
Her father should at least tell her to say goodbye to all of her family for him, not just concentrate on his dream.
He shouldn't speak so fluently too, like it was no effort at all, he was having a stroke, it should be very difficult and hard for him to speak.
Those are most of my reviews, it was a very nice story. Keep on writting!!

ofir

Hi! Let's review;

“Daddy?!” She started to scream franticly.

'Franticly' is misspelled. 'Frantically' is the correct spelling.

Falling onto his chest she checked his heartbeat.

A comma should go after 'chest'.

It beat slowly and menacingly.

If he has had a heart attack, then his heart wouldn't be beating at all. If something else, though, I would try saying 'unevenly, frantically trying to regain steadiness.' or, something like that.

Kissing his lips ,she stood to go tell her Mama. To tell her Mama how Daddy was gone.
Daddy was gone. Daddy was dead.

You repeat a lot around here. I think to end it, I would just go with;

Kissing his lips, she stood to go tell her mama. mama isn't capitalized because there is a 'her' in front of it. To tell her how her daddy was dead.

I think it would be a better cliffhanger and ending if that were the way it ended. Try it!

Sorry if I was harsh. I didn't mean to be if I was. This was good! I little dramatic for my tastes, normally, but good! Keep on it

Thanks for all the help guys! I will start to fix it up as soon as i am free. That will not be for a while. I have so much school work to do.

Sorry, I am blabbering again.

I like the setting, just before the famine, but your characters are lacking the three-dimansional touch that makes you get really lost in a book. I probably wouldn't remember your book for the fact that There's nothing to remember the characters by, except the different language, which was normal back then. If you can bulk out your characters a lot more, giving them particular ways of saying things, a mannerism that makes them stand out, something like that, I think you'll find that it really takes shape a lot better.

With Oona's father's dream, I would be trying to give a reason why Oona should believe it, rather than just on his word. If your father told you that you'll go overseas because a famine's coming to your land, you wouldn't just trust that would you? you'd want some proof, some way to tell that it's true. Also, saying "her daddy" doesn't flow very well. I would put it more as "as Daddy came into view," or "as her father came into view," instead.

You've put in a run-on error: "Shaking his shoulder she tried to wake him. Though, she knew in her heart that he was gone." You need to put it as either "him, though," or "him. But she". You also need to go over it and check your basic grammar and spelling.

The way Oona's father talks to her at the end, saying she's his morning star and all that; it doesn't really fit for a father to be saying to his daughter. It's more something a husband would say to his wife. Put in an affectionate bit by all means, but keep it a bit less close in the relationship sort of.

Overall, the idea's good, the setting description, which I know from experience is hard, is good, but you really need to work on your character development and your grammar.

i finally redid some of it. I do not know it it is better or not. Please tell me!