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Gracious Gifts



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Mon Apr 06, 2009 1:56 pm
CoreCorrection says...



~NOVEL THREAD~

I'm posting this as R, due to there being several instances of lust incidents. There are also undertones of necrophilia, homosexuality, celestial lust, and dire envy. There's also horrific moments of violence in some events. If you feel strongly against any of the themes listed above, then do not read.

***

Prologue

Sunrise.

When that reaction rose from the sea, crushing the late moments of the dark, and sending the peasants out – initiating a command to leave whatever wreckage they dwelled inside. The slums, the term was. Awful, putrid. Metallic streets glazed with ugly clots of stains and debris, an economic scar, hidden away from the government’s acceptance.

They patrolled the streets, the dreary eyes boring into marble. The metal armour forming halos around the skulls, creating stars in a box. The hot, seeping, pores illuminating dazzled, neon gleams. The musty killers, nestled beneath the belt, murky moulds fixed together, cracked (were some), standing in line. Waiting for target, aim, and puncture – compiled with the bitter greeting of death.

Words rung in their minds, the same control directing their limbs downwards. The scurries of the children behind amphorae, evasive as they were, they could not avoid going to close; letting a swipe kill, leaving the heads to turn. The mothers, desperate, wrapped them in their arms and hurried them to their homes, before they drew to close. The unfortunate ones let the clay drop from their eyes. Tinted bleaks; puddles of sorrow weeping into a permanent cesspit; cooled with the horrific stare, wanting them to flee but they remained. They wept. They wept. They bled. They bled.

Praetorians were monsters, killing with no grace, no regret, no feeling. They took no pride, no remorse; the job was to be done. No complaint, no satisfaction. Always walking, fists clenched, iron ready. The simplistic orders carried out with precision, expertise, reliability. Brutal security to a dead country, always wanted, never seen. Houses, strewn along the road, not inspected. Fatality, the mistake.

The crevices behind the windows held orphic plots and people, rejected from the enlightened breath. Touched ghosts clinging, slithered down the back; undeniable, unreachable. A collaboration of inner sanctum stretching a warped shard, simple panic glorified into a tribune of hope. The old and young strung together in ties of defeat and envy, the thoughts of reunification jumbled.

Sitting at a table, they would look beneath the dusted parlours and bring forth the scrolls. Displaying old memories, plans, tactics, in a desperate last motive; find the key, find the key. It was buried among the pretentious, the ignorant, the failures. It was golden, gold melded with brass and copper. Dusty.

“Then so it shall be, he will dine with the dead,” the confident screeched.

How subtle. How subtle. How stupid. How stupid.
" I never really got the whole "critiquing writers" thing because, well, isn't it what the words mean that count, not the grammar? "

-- Stupidity.

This site's just an ego boost, I actually want to improve my writing. Later.
  





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Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:03 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Core, welcome to YWS! Call me Stella- or any variation thereof, and I shall review you today!

Uh, usually, people post their novels/longer stories in lots of different posts- that way you'll get more reviews etc... Just telling you!

Lots of uh... weird themes going on here... not that I have anything against any of them just, uh... not what I'm used to (I'm one of those girls that write happy-go-lucky fairytales with some Greek mythology thrown in. Hi *waves*)

So, now, your critique!

I. NITPICKS

When that reaction rose from the sea, crushing the late moments of the dark, and sending the peasants out – initiating a command to leave whatever wreckage they dwelled inside.


When that what? You've started a sentence and never put in your main clause. Get rid of the "When" or rephrase...

They patrolled the streets, the dreary eyes boring into marble. The metal armour forming halos around the skulls, creating stars in a box. The hot, seeping, pores illuminating dazzled, neon gleams. The musty killers, nestled beneath the belt, murky moulds fixed together, cracked (were some), standing in line. Waiting for target, aim, and puncture – compiled with the bitter greeting of death.

going to close;


too, not to.

They wept. They wept. They bled. They bled.


This just sounds... weird...

Okay...

II. SENTENCE STRUCTURE

I have no doubt that you possess the ability to structure sentences properly. But you seem to have abandoned it here. I pointed it out in the first paragraph, but there are several repetitions. I know that sometimes, it's easy to think that fragmenting sentences will give them a poetic, profound edge. It's tempting but, in the long run, it's just plain confusing. When you describe what people do with a "ing" and use "theys" a lot, it gets confusing, and your reader (ie. me and those that will follow) have trouble following you. Ultimately, they'll stop reading. So yes, it's tempting, but try not to give in. Remember that your reader has to read it, not just you, and you're not giving us as clear a picture as you're giving yourself.

Long story short: join up your sentences, some of them at least. Rephrase them so that there aren't just so many fragments. One or two is fine, but you have a lot of them...

II. PURPLENESS

Now, I have no problem with the colour purple (unlike some people who think the crime of wearing purple should be punishable by death...)- I'm an Instructor, aren't I? But purple prose is... it's complicated and frustrating.

Sometimes, you find a really pretty word, and you think "Oh! Let's put this in my story!" So you take out a nice, simple word and replace it. And it's grand, most of the time. It's when we use these words too much that your prose begins to get a violet tinge.

Have a look through, and in places where you've used fancy verbs, with adjectives and adverbs added on, simplify them a bit. It makes for easier reading.

III. OVERALL

Look, I know you probably now think I'm an idiot who needs everything dumbed down for her. I'm not- but I do think this could use some dumbing down. If I concentrated on it like it was a text for an exam, I would probably understand it more. But when I'm reading for pleasure, sure, it requires concentration, and a lot of books do to follow the story, but to follow the prose itself? It's not what people read for. Which is why I'm advising you to just have a look through and make it a bit easier.

That said, there is certainly no doubt of your writing abilities!

BTW- is this set in Ancient Rome (hence the praetors?) Possibly not, I just wondered...

Hope I helped, and feel free to drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  








People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
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