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The Story of Morgan Thatcher



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Mon Apr 20, 2009 5:48 am
Imagination'sQuill says...



The Story Of Morgan Thatcher
By: Quill
Her eyes traveled along the swollen clouds of the horizon as a sigh escaped her pursed lips. The sea was smooth as glass. It was calm, eerily calm, the calm before the storm. She hated the rain, it always brought with it painful memories. But today, today it seemed almost fitting. It was as if the heavens themselves knew what this day would bring and had painted the backdrop, setting the stage. She closed her eyes escaping to a memory, the sound of the falling drops lulling her deeper into her mind until she could almost hear the rain drumming it’s steady beat on the roof of the inn. It had been raining that day too she recalled. The day she had met him.
Morgan had been alone, sitting at an old worn table in a corner of the inn, tracing patterns absentmindedly into the wood as she watched strangers emerge, wind swept and rain soaked, into the dry relief of the inn. The Dancing Dove was a safe haven from the sweeping winds and pouring rains, it’s warm, inviting glow leading sailors and crooked characters alike into the structure. Her gaze followed everyone, picking up details, such as their hair and eye color, to the weapons they carried on their belts. One man in particular drew her glance repetitively. She did not miss the way he moved with such muscular grace, or the numerous weapons he carried in the open and concealed. The last detail she observed was his face, he had a ridiculously handsome face framed by a halo of black curls, but it was his eyes that startled her, his most striking feature. They were the color of the sea before a storm, his azure orbs raised and met her own and he smiled. The man walked toward her table, sidestepping barmaids and drunkards as he went. He reached her, bowed and introduced himself, “Hello madam. Edmond Conner at your service.” This was the beginning of their relationship and to her annoyance and against her better judgement, she fell in love. They fell in love, neither knowing what grim a fate hung over them.
Staring at the sea ,she sighed again. The churning waters matched his eyes today… she quickly banished the thought form her head, refusing to dwell any longer on. him.. She turned form watching the tide lick the sides of her ship to face her crew. Though she was a woman, her skill in battle and unfailing courage had long since won her the respect and fear of her sailors. “Men!” her voice rang out over them bring all activity to a halt. “Today we fight! A fight that will shape our futures, a future of sailing these waters free and feared, or a future that ends with us dance’in a jig on gallows hill.” She paused, her piercing gaze sweeping her audience. “So men what will be?” A roar arose and swelled from the crowd. “We fight!” she cried, thrusting her sword skyward “Let’s show these navy dogs what a real battle is!” She smiled a grim smile and retreated into her cabin, leaving her men in an uproar readying themselves for battle. And so it begins, she thought. How ironic that the man they send to destroy me is the only man who has ever loved me.,
Edmond drew the brass spyglass to his eye, there it was, The Storm’s Rise. No matter how much he willed it to vanish, it remained rising and falling with the waves. He hated himself for what he must do, a deep and resounding self-loathing had entered his heart and would not release. There was no way he could have escaped it, this fate, this horrible destiny. They had known what they were doing, in the back of each of their minds they knew what the outcome for such a relationship would be. Yet they had welcomed the feelings with open arms. The heart does not concern itself with such matters as rank and law. It does not recognize thoughts or doubt, it sees only what is, it recognizes only emotions. When it finds its match it embraces it, defies all rationality. Love is unconditional and illogical, so much so that the love between a pirate and navy captain becomes no more than the love between a man and women that fate brought together.
His ship drew closer with each resounding tick of the clock. Each tick was like a drum beat, steady, not matching the wild patterns that her heart was beating out. It was not fear for her self hat made it beat so. It was fear for him, for his life and well being. Most of all it was the unwavering love she held for him, even though that ship was death itself, come for her at last. She had no intentions of surviving this battle. Her words to the crew had been empty lies, but she did intend to go out with a fight. Oh yes she would meet her fate, but she would not do so lightly. She would be fighting both tooth and nail until the end, yes she would go out with a fight!
Rain poured onto the decks of the ship. Lightning flashed, illuminating the skies, reflecting across the blade of her sword as she quickly cut down another enemy. The lady pirate turned, crimson stained water flowed under her feet as she paused to watch the battle. Bodies lay where they had fallen. Every man was engaged in combat, but her eyes were searching for one man in particular when she felt the flat of a sword tap her shoulder. She muttered a curse at being taken by surprise and turned to see a pair of azure eyes meet her own. He smiled as if there was not a furious battle erupting all around them, while she struggled to control the emotions on her face. “My lady.” he said mock bowing, despite herself she smiled and curtsied “Good sir.” she answered cheekily. She raised her blade and in answer he raised his own, steel met in a clash as thunder rolled in the distance. Their swords were a blur as the two fought, each meeting the others blows perfectly. They were at an impasse, both equally matched in skill, both masters at their art. Their swords locked at the hilt, they were trapped as each struggled to hold their stance. “Morgan, I’m sorry.” he said his eyes softening for a moment, “Don’t.” she answered, “Don’t make this harder than it already is.” She stepped and their blades met again with a great clash, “Please believe me when I say this is the last thing I ever wanted.” he pleaded with her “Believe me when I say that I love you…I.” she cut him off “Well you know what they say; murder is the ultimate crime of passion.” He grinned at that, making no reply, only swinging his blade down, which she parried just in time. To her surprise he suddenly embraced her, effectively putting a halt to their battle. As they fought Edmond’s second in command watched, wondering what relations his captain had with this women. It was clear that the two had met, if only he could have heard what was being said. He had his suspicions, his notions seemed ridiculous even to him, but it seemed his worst fears were confirmed when he saw the pair embrace suddenly. Without a second thought he fired a single shot from his pistol and watched as his target fell.
To Edmond time seemed to slow. It passed in moments not seconds, days not minutes. He watched in horror as the woman he loved feel limp into his arms. She smiled at him unable to speak. She raised her hand to grasp his. As she drew her last shuddering breath, her hand fell limp, her green eyes closed on the world and she knew no more.
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~Quill
"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players..."
-- William Shakespeare
  





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Tue Apr 21, 2009 3:13 am
MeadowLark says...



Heya there Quill!

Let's see what I can pick out.

It was calm, eerily calm, the calm before the storm.


This sounds repetitive and rather annoying with all the "calms". Reword it.

She hated the rain, it always brought with it painful memories.


Split this into two sentences. Change the comma to a period. Also, put "with it" after memories ^_^ It'll flow better.

It was as if the heavens themselves knew what this day would bring and had painted the backdrop, setting the stage.


I like this :)

It had been raining that day too she recalled.


Put a comma after "too".

Morgan had been alone, sitting at an old worn table in a corner of the inn, tracing patterns absentmindedly into the wood as she watched strangers emerge, wind swept and rain soaked, into the dry relief of the inn.


Long sentence! Shorten it down by splitting it into two or three separate sentences. Shorter sentences have a tendency to have more effect.

The last detail she observed was his face, he had a ridiculously handsome face framed by a halo of black curls, but it was his eyes that startled her, his most striking feature.


Change the comma after face to a period. The comma after curls change to a period. The comma after her to a semi-colon >_<

The churning waters matched his eyes today… she quickly banished the thought form her head, refusing to dwell any longer on. him..


The elipsise could be a period. Nix the period before him and one of the duplicates after.

Staring at the sea ,she sighed again. The churning waters matched his eyes today… she quickly banished the thought form her head, refusing to dwell any longer on. him.. She turned form watching the tide lick the sides of her ship to face her crew. Though she was a woman, her skill in battle and unfailing courage had long since won her the respect and fear of her sailors. “Men!” her voice rang out over them bring all activity to a halt. “Today we fight! A fight that will shape our futures, a future of sailing these waters free and feared, or a future that ends with us dance’in a jig on gallows hill.” She paused, her piercing gaze sweeping her audience. “So men what will be?” A roar arose and swelled from the crowd. “We fight!” she cried, thrusting her sword skyward “Let’s show these navy dogs what a real battle is!” She smiled a grim smile and retreated into her cabin, leaving her men in an uproar readying themselves for battle. And so it begins, she thought. How ironic that the man they send to destroy me is the only man who has ever loved me.,


When the MC starts speaking at "men" there, make it a new paragraph. Maybe seperating her speaking between your little description patches there so it's not one big clump. :lol:

“Men!” her voice rang out over them bring all activity to a halt.


A comma after them and bring to bringing.

She paused, her piercing gaze sweeping her audience.


Reword this to say, "She paused as her piercing gaze swept over her audience."

“So men what will be?”


A comma after men and I think you forgot it before be ;)

She smiled a grim smile


How about saying, "The smile on her face was grim," or something like that.

And so it begins, she thought. How ironic that the man they send to destroy me is the only man who has ever loved me.,


Put the parts where she is thinking in italics. Also, the comma after the period should be nixed. After me (the first one) put a comma.

Edmond drew the brass spyglass to his eye, there it was, The Storm’s Rise.


If "The Storm's Rise" is the name of the ship, put it in italics. Every ships name should be in italics!

It was not fear for her self hat made it beat so.


Herself is one word.

Most of all it was the unwavering love she held for him, even though that ship was death itself, come for her at last.


Change come to coming.

Rain poured onto the decks of the ship. Lightning flashed, illuminating the skies, reflecting across the blade of her sword as she quickly cut down another enemy. The lady pirate turned, crimson stained water flowed under her feet as she paused to watch the battle. Bodies lay where they had fallen. Every man was engaged in combat, but her eyes were searching for one man in particular when she felt the flat of a sword tap her shoulder. She muttered a curse at being taken by surprise and turned to see a pair of azure eyes meet her own. He smiled as if there was not a furious battle erupting all around them, while she struggled to control the emotions on her face. “My lady.” he said mock bowing, despite herself she smiled and curtsied “Good sir.” she answered cheekily. She raised her blade and in answer he raised his own, steel met in a clash as thunder rolled in the distance. Their swords were a blur as the two fought, each meeting the others blows perfectly. They were at an impasse, both equally matched in skill, both masters at their art. Their swords locked at the hilt, they were trapped as each struggled to hold their stance. “Morgan, I’m sorry.” he said his eyes softening for a moment, “Don’t.” she answered, “Don’t make this harder than it already is.” She stepped and their blades met again with a great clash, “Please believe me when I say this is the last thing I ever wanted.” he pleaded with her “Believe me when I say that I love you…I.” she cut him off “Well you know what they say; murder is the ultimate crime of passion.” He grinned at that, making no reply, only swinging his blade down, which she parried just in time. To her surprise he suddenly embraced her, effectively putting a halt to their battle. As they fought Edmond’s second in command watched, wondering what relations his captain had with this women. It was clear that the two had met, if only he could have heard what was being said. He had his suspicions, his notions seemed ridiculous even to him, but it seemed his worst fears were confirmed when he saw the pair embrace suddenly. Without a second thought he fired a single shot from his pistol and watched as his target fell.


:shock: Yikes!! This is one crazy paragraph! Sorry if this sounds mean but let us see how we can fix this up.

1) When a new person speaks, its always a new paragraph! Example:

“My lady.” he said mock bowing, despite herself she smiled and curtsied “Good sir.” she answered cheekily.

*coughs*

"My lady," he said, giving a mock bow.

Despite herself, she smiled and curtisied with a cheeky, "Good sir."

2) After someone is done speaking and when there is a dialogue tag you always put a comma! Unless, it is a question or there is need of a exclamation mark. Example:

"Morgan, I'm sorry." he said...

This is the proper way:

"Morgan, I'm sorry," he said...

3) This paragraph could easily be several, several seperate ones. The scene where the two are dueling, that could be two or just on paragraph. When the Second in Command saw the two and shot her, that could be its own paragraph.

~~~~

This has lot's of potential if you developed it more. If this is the beginning to a novel, I would make this the prologue. But then again, what's the point of reading this if we know Morgan's going to die in the end? If this is a short story, it still needs lot's of improving.

Near the end, suddenly the two ships are right beside each other and the one ship has been boarded already! You completely skimmed over when the ship was boarded!

You could use more description. Of course, the parts you have is good but more is defiantly needed. In the beginning explain to your reader that there is going to be a fight instead of just describing the sea and how much the MC hated it.

The paragraphs are way too long and you could...should split them in half! Your work will benefit from it! You have many long sentences too.

Also, you are always using "she" in this. I don't even know if you mentioned Morgan's name till the end! Cut down on the she's! :)

If you have any questions please PM me.

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"
  





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Wed May 06, 2009 1:09 am
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futrwrighter422 says...



Very well done, loved the description and it would make for an amazing novel. Your writing reminds me of my own; you should check out my work sometime.
  





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Wed May 06, 2009 1:11 am
futrwrighter422 says...



Also, I agree that you should have gone into more detail about the boarding of the ship and the actual battle. Another thing that would make this even better is if you used internal conflict via thought or personal dialogue (ie what she is thinking or saying to herself) I find that that really brings your work to life.
  





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Sat May 09, 2009 7:40 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hiya!

Structure: All dialogue should have it's own nice, neat line. This snippet:

He smiled as if there was not a furious battle erupting all around them, while she struggled to control the emotions on her face. “My lady.” he said mock bowing, despite herself she smiled and curtsied “Good sir.” she answered cheekily.


Turns into this:

He smiled as if there was not a furious battle erupting all around them, while she struggled to control the emotions on her face.
“My lady.” he said mock bowing.
Despite herself she smiled and curtsied “Good sir.” she answered cheekily.


Meadow has graciously gone over dialogue punctuation, but here is a quick guide about the subject. ^_^

Another thing to watch for in structure is that each viewpoint change has a line-break. That way, it's easy to tell who's narrating the story. A line break can be ~, *, or anything you want to show that a new scene/viewpoint has shown up.

Expansion: I'd expand on the following locations:

The pirate and the captain in love- You give us a short flash-back, but it'd be nice to have some more emotion run through that relationship. Had she thought of him with every raid she's done? How long had they been together? Put just a touch more into that please. ^_^

The boarding of the ship- I agree with everybody else. Things feel a bit choppy without any mention of one ship boarding another.

Morgan's death: There is some emotion here, but it's a bit choppy. Smooth things out with a little more on the subject to make it really tragic. It doesn't need much, but just a touch.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Wed May 13, 2009 6:34 pm
hales13 says...



Cara, my darling, I love it.
I should infrom everyone that this was simply for a school project and she turned it into much more than expected!
I loved hearing it aloud also.
&The clapping the class gave you was well deserved(:

See you on the bus :D
--Hales.
-Whisper words of wisdom...[b]let it be[/b].
  





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Sat May 30, 2009 2:29 pm
alileah. says...



Carebear!
I loved it, yet it made absolutely no sense to me.

But if Haley said it turned out way better, I believe her.
You should definitely post some more stuff though.
A prequel to this or something else altogether.

-Aly G.(:
  








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