Young Writers Society

She lied there under the stars in the luke warm spring night. Her eyes shot from star to star, picking up shapes and figures. Her mind buzzed with the incoherency of the world. Everything played itself in her mind. The screams, the tears, the laughter, the smiles, all of it. With a heavy sigh she sat up rubbing her now throbbing head.

"Not this again," she groaned softly.

She rubbed her eyes and looked around. Everyone in camp was asleep. Deep breathing and snores synchronized around her, their dreams filing into her. Attempting to be rid of the nuisance, she shook her head, thumping it with the heel of her hand.

The confusion rioting inside of her head was increasing her already unbearable migraine. Aisha threw off her blankets and reached for her violin. Silently, she crept away from camp towards the welcome embrace of the ocean edge. The soft spring breeze played in her vine-like curls, wrapping her in it's gentle embrace.

For a moment she just stood there, looking out over the depths of the mass of blue in front of her. She closed her eyes letting the wind caress her gently. For a moment the world was silent, nothing existed but her and the ocean. For a single moment she felt a peace that was rather uncommon in her life.

High pitched screams interrupted her bliss, causing a sharp ache deep within her skull. A groan slipped from her lips as her hand went to the ache. It was coming. Again. Her eyesight started to blur. Her body tensed, awaiting the oncoming pain. Her knees gave out, slamming her into the soft cool sand. Sharp shards of pain traveled all through her body as if attacked by knives. Her eyelids closed, hoping to bring back the bliss that had just left her. When she opened her eyes again, she was no longer at the beach. She was in an alley. She felt her. Felt her fear,her desperation.

Ragged breaths rebounded off the stone walls. Two men stood over the woman while one held her arms. They started tearing her garments, her corset slipped easily bringing down her bodice with it. She was stripped, her chemise the only piece of clothing covering the woman's body. Tears spilled down Aisha's face with the knowledge of what was about to happen. As much as she wanted, she could not take herself out of her phase.

Aisha's stomache lurched with the dinner she had had previously. The girl screamed and her stomach reacted, emptying its contents on the sand. Aisha's head lifted, hoping to capture the ocean instead of the terrible scene playing in front of her. She couldn't take much more of this.

Aisha felt around in the cool sand for her discarded violin. She found her bow string along with the instrument and started her music. The melancholy notes drifted into the night, distracting her somewhat from the misery. She focused on her playing with an intensity that struck her.

No matter how hard she concentrated on her playing the screams refused to cease. They continued, getting louder and louder by the second. Aisha's music intensified, signaling the end of this agony.

The last scream was unleashed from the girl's lips and nearly tore Aisha apart. Her music died with the girl's last breath.

Grammar corrections and boring technicalities:
[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
She lay there under the stars in the lukewarm spring night. Her eyes shot from star to star, picking up shapes and figures. Her mind buzzed with the incoherency of the world. Everything played itself in her mind – the screams, the tears, the laughter, the smiles; all of it. With a heavy sigh, she sat up, rubbing her now throbbing head.

"Not this again," she groaned softly.

She rubbed her eyes and looked around. Everyone in camp was asleep. Deep breathing and snores synchronized around her, their dreams filing into her. Attempting to be rid of the nuisance, she shook her head, thumping it with the heel of her hand.

The confusion rioting inside of her head was increasing her already unbearable migraine. Aisha threw off her blankets and reached for her violin. Silently, she crept away from camp towards the welcome embrace of the ocean edge. The soft spring breeze played in her vine-like curls, wrapping her in its gentle embrace.

For a moment she just stood there, looking out over the depths of the mass of blue in front of her. She closed her eyes, letting the wind caress her gently. For a moment You already used “for a moment” in this paragraph; try something else. the world was silent; nothing existed, but her and the ocean. For a single moment Same thing. she felt a peace that was rather uncommon in her life.

High pitched screams interrupted her bliss, causing a sharp ache deep within her skull. A groan slipped from her lips as her hand went to the ache. It was coming. Again. Her eyesight started to blur. Her body tensed, awaiting the oncoming pain. Her knees gave out, slamming her into the soft cool sand. Sharp shards of pain traveled all through her body as if attacked by knives. Her eyelids closed, hoping to bring back the bliss that had just left her. When she opened her eyes again, she was no longer at the beach. She was in an alley. She felt her. Felt her fear; her desperation.

Ragged breaths rebounded off the stone walls. Two men stood over the woman while one held her arms. They started tearing her garments, her corset slipping easily, bringing down her bodice with it. She was stripped, her chemise the only piece of clothing covering her body. Tears spilled down Aisha's face with the knowledge of what was about to happen. As much as she wanted, she could not take herself out of her phase.

Aisha's stomach[s]e[/s] lurched with the dinner she had [s]had[/s] previously eaten. The girl screamed and her stomach reacted, emptying its contents on the sand. Aisha's head lifted, hoping to capture the ocean instead of the terrible scene playing in front of her. She couldn't take much more of this.

Aisha felt around in the cool sand for her discarded violin. She found her bowstring, along with the instrument, and started her music. The melancholic notes drifted into the night, distracting her somewhat from the misery. She focused on her playing with an intensity that struck her.

No matter how hard she concentrated on her playing, the screams refused to cease. They continued, getting louder and louder by the second. Aisha's music intensified, signaling the end of this agony.

The last scream was unleashed from the girl's lips and nearly tore Aisha apart. Her music died with the girl's last breath. [/spoiler]


Well, you've certainly done a good job with imagery. I'm really curious about this... what the whole idea behind it is. Just one big nightmare? Special powers? In any case, you're off to a good start, and you leave one wondering, which is a good thing that will make one want to keep reading.
Of course, though, don't take too long to explain - that just throws the reader off altogether.

Hiya!

Description: as I was reading this, I liked a lot of your description. However, the repetitive nature of it got to me. VehementWriter ever so kindly pointed out a lot of those locations, but in the future try to think of other ways to describe things. ^_^

It would also be nice to get some sound, taste and touch in here. You have it during the rape scene, but before then those senses are missing from the description. Since you do a good job when Aisha is feeling somebody else's pain.

Setting: I'm wondering what caused her to be outside, with a camp, by the ocean here. It would be nice to get some explanation early-on, just so readers aren't left scratching their heads. Just a little bit, though. You can tell us everything later. ^_^

Plot: I'm also curious as to the plot of this work. It seems to be flirting with fantasy. Is it? Your answer doesn't really matter. This work just fascinates me. (Although if it is more fantasy-based you might want to consider putting it in fantasy, just so people know what to expect when they critique)

Overall: I quiet liked this! It can be a bit repetitive in some places, but most of your description and emotion is true. Nice job. ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

This was really good - I like the way you don't tell the reader much about what's going on! You've got a bit of repetition in the first paragraph (the same way of starting the first two sentences, and you've got 'her mind' twice), but then it gets really gripping. You had a really vivid description of the migraine, and it made the change from peacefulness to panic really effective. In the first sentence, you've put 'she lied there' - shouldn't it be 'she lay there'?
Overall I found it really good, and, as I said earlier, very gripping! You built up a clear image, if not explanation yet, of what was going on!

midnight bliss!

hi, i'm just curious why you named this Love's Devil Moon. it's a nice title, yes.

i don't understand much about this part. Is her name Aisha? why does she keep hearing voices in her head? is she being possessed, or is her body a medium?

keep writing. love to continue this.

feel free to pm me.

~telle

Okay.

I myself, got really confused. For one thing, when you wrote the rape scene, you should have clarified that it was a vision. Why? Well, when I first read it, I thought that it was all happening to Aisha, and I was wondering how she came to be pressed against a building when she was on the beach just a moment ago. Also, you have tons of grammatical and spelling errors. I won't point them out though. Some of the words you used could be replaced by, say, better words. Besides that, I don't think there's anything else to point out. You have a good start though, keep it up.