Young Writers Society

Hi!
I just gotta say that this really is great. The descriptiveness of everything helps with the entirely captivating storyline. It was really enjoyable to read and your thorough knowledge of that time era is very evident especially in their dialogue. There are some parts, however, where there should capitalization like

“Don't call me that.” my voice was deadly calm.

The "my" should be "My". Remember that after a period there should always be a capital.

But overall, I thought that this was a really good beginning so I hope you're going to write more because I want to know what happens next!

Hey Lisa ^^ Welcome to YWS. I'm Shina, and I'll be your reviewer this evening.

“Carnelian!!!” it was Da. He was angry again.

Be careful when you start a story out with dialogue. The first thing future book-buyers do is check the first few lines of the story for the hook. With this dialogue, there's no hook. It's just the calling of a name. And also, you don't use triple exlamations points in dialogue. I thought Da was happy and cheering Carnelian's name, but he's actually angry. Make sure to show Da's expression rather than to just say he was angry.

I sighed as his heavy footsteps sounded on the hard ground before me. What is it now? I wondered as I let my feet hang down almost to the ground. I was sitting comfortably on our porch swing reading an article in The High Country Times and Da had the nerve to interrupt me.

Rather than saying the MC is on the porch swing, you could always combine the dangling with the porch description.

Even when he was standing on the bottom step of the front porch I had to look up at my Da. At 6'5”, my Da was a giant of a man. But gentle as a newborn lamb.

Change "but" to "yet" and change the period to a comma.

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Dialogue: Your dialogue seems to fit the time really well, but it seems like the MC thinks too old for his age. The way he acts, and talks, and thinks, it just seems to old for someone who's 14? 14 right?

Setting: While scimming through I didn't really see anything about setting other than the porch swing around here. But perhaps I missed it.

Character Development: You tell too much about the past and just throw a bunch of information at hte reader. I think you should "show" the past rather than tell about it. Include his mom's death in a way rather than just telling us. Maybe Carnelian looks at a picture of his mom and remembers her death. You need to incorporate the past with actions that work with it.

Just work on showing rather than telling, and I think you've got an interesting story ^^ I've never heard anything like this before. Also, don't forget the hook!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

-Shina

Hey, sorry this took so long for me to get to. I forgot to check my Will Review For Food thread in a long time.

Ok, on to your review.

I would always blush and mutter something about that never being true. And then their warm laughter would fill the house and chase away all the cold. Until she died of smallpox a few years back.

Take out that last sentence. You already told us that, and it just sounds repetative.

I had yet to get lunch ready and still do my chores. I had no time to be a'lettin' me thoughts wander towards Ely.

This sentence is inconsistent with the rest of the narration because it sounds like her dialogue, but before in the narration she talked more modern. Pick one and stick with it. Personally, I would keep the narration proper grammar and only use things like "a'lettin'" in dialogue.

Oh Lordy Lou, I thought and leaned on the counter top, resting a hand on my racing heart, I can't be a'thinkin' 'bout 'im!! I have work ta do! Besides, he's two years older than me!! He would never go fer the likes o' me. Even as I made this argument though, I was convinced that me and Ely were meant ta be.

Ok, so thoughts can be like her dialogue, but I would change the "ta" in the last sentence to "to". Also, if this is historical, two years older for a guy is nothing. Girls married men in their like 30's when they were like 12. I might be exaggerating, but I mean, 2 years wouldn't make a difference.

He smiled at me and I swear I melted like butter set out in the summer heat. I would've done anything and everything Ely had asked of me. Even burn the biscuits.


“Miss O'Connell,” he said, “I believe you're about to burn your biscuits.”

That's adorable. I love those lines.

Laughing, he held me up, not once

complaining.

I suspect you didn't mean to make that a seperate paragraph.

“I take it you liked my kiss?” he asked me.


“Liked it?” I yelped, “I loved it!”

Yelping seems a little strange there. I don't know why. And it seems weird the way he asked the question. Make it seem more realistic.

“Don't call me that.” my voice was deadly calm.


“Why not?”


“Get out.” I growled, growing furious.

comma instead of period after "that" and "out" because you use tags after.

After that incident, I thought I would never see him again, but I was wrong in my thinking.

I would take out "incident" and "in my thinking" because they sounds awkward in that sentence, I think.

So she got married? Because she has a different last name now. Just wondering.

Ok, so I thought it was pretty good. Except, the accents sound more like Irish to me, but I don't know exactly how to show an accent well when writing. And the wording in a few places was a little awkward. But it's pretty good. I would maybe say more about what's changed for her in the years, but maybe that will come later. Anyway, good job.

Heya Lisa! *shakes hand* I don't believe we've met before. I'm Selene. ^_^ Pleasure meeting you.

I. Nit-Picks

At 6'5”, my Da was a giant of a man. But gentle as a newborn lamb.

I love the flow and rhyme you have here, even though it was probably unintentional. Like angels-symphony said, please join the sentences together.

People often wondered what my mother had seen in Aidan O'Connell. And whenever they had asked her, Erlina O'Connell had just smiled and gotten that faraway look in her eyes that meant she was thinking of her man.

Please join these sentences together..

“I'm sorry I blamed you.” he said quickly.

Change the period in the dialogue to a comma.

It wasn't often the boys got to see their boss being reprimanded by his 14 year old daughter.

Put hyphens in "14-year-old daughter."

“Gunther.” he replied.

Comma in the dialogue again.

Eyes like spring grass, is what Momma had always said when she described my Da.

The comma is unnecessary.

“Yes, ma'am.” he answered, seemingly docile.

Comma instead of the first period.

II. Overall

I enjoyed reading this, and found few errors besides in your dialogue. The romance portion was interesting, and it was sweet that they met up after eleven years. Now I'm off to read the second chapter, because you've gotten me hooked!

If you would ever need a review or would like a friend, feel free to PM me.