Young Writers Society

[Deleted at author's request]

Hi there! You said you wanted reviews so here I am!

Her hair was wavy, long and silvery blonde, and her eyes, wide and almond shaped, were an emerald green.

This is what I call an "adjective bomb" - too much description loaded into one sentence. Consider spreading it out a bit over the course of the chapter.

“Mother?” I uttered softly.

I don't like the word "uttered" in general, especially when it's used where "said" could be used instead. "Said" gets a bad rap. It's a nice little word, and it helps dialogue flow along without interrupting it. I'd change "uttered softly" to either "said softly" or better yet, "whispered." Now there's a strong verb.

I wanted her back. It was no use mentioning it to her. She would always respond in some snobbish way, telling me that I needed to quit acting childish.

You're fixing for some genius character development here, miss. Wonderful job.

“Morning, Miss Madeleine.” she smiled, once getting to my room.

A servant wouldn't say "morning" in a casual way like that.

“Well…” I paused, thinking of the dream

You need to space out your ellipses. (". . .") Like that.

You've got a great story set up here! And you're only twelve! It's great to see such young talent in the world.

Keep writing! And I'll keep reading!

-Hawkie-

Okay, I'm finally here! *cue fanfare*

I. NITPICKS

Her hair was wavy, long and silvery blonde, and her eyes, wide and almond shaped, were an emerald green. She was looking at me kindly with her soft, pale face.

That is a /lot/ of adjectives to put in the first paragraph...

There was a time when Helena and I were friends,

I think start a new paragraph here...

Okay...

II. THREE YEARS LATER?

I don't understand why you put this at the beginning, unless there's a prologue before, it's a bit random, or else implies that we're going to go back in time for you to tell us about it, which I don't think you are...

III. DEVELOPMENT

I'd like to see some development all round starting from the very beginning. Why did her and Helena drift? What makes Helena so perfect? Other than that, what is Madeleine's relationship with her father? Why does he try and control her- does she need controlling? Is she particularly rebellious? What was her relationship with her mother?

All that sort of stuff... you can never start developing too soon!

IV. OVERALL

Not bad, but a bit predictable...

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Hey, I begged for something to review and I got it. *whispers to self* Yessss!

Her hair was wavy, long and silvery blonde, and her eyes, wide and almond shaped, were an emerald green. She was looking at me kindly with her soft, pale face. I stared at the woman in disbelief.

Okay, this is a big old info dump. Along with that, it’s rather cliché. First of all, it’s best to spread out description throughout the scene. Don’t just through it in all at once. Second, well, this all sounds so overdone. Try to come up with more creative ways of describing her. For instance, if I wanted to talk about a red head with brown eyes, I wouldn’t just say that. Instead, I would say something like: Her hair fell down her back, tumbling locks the color of fire. (Then, remembering not to throw too much in at once, I would talk about something that didn’t pertain to her description.) She blinked, her eyes a golden brown like freshly baked bread crust.

It was one of the most terrible experiences of my life, something that would cause me too much pain to recount.

Okay, not to be mean, but this all seems, again, very cliché. It’s just another sad story about someone’s dead mother. Make us want to sympathize with your character.

“Mother, I need you stay. Right now, I need you more than ever.”
“Remember what I told you. You are a strong person. You’ll be able to get through this. It’s time for me to go now, unfortunately.”
“No, Mother!” I cried, tears welling up in my eyes. “Don’t go!” I grabbed onto her arm, but she broke herself free from my grasp, and disappeared into a white expanse.
“Mother!”

This dialogue, again, has a sense of being overdone. Dialogue needs to help move the characters forward.

Madeleine, don’t even try, because you just can’t. Madeleine, it’s my final word. Madeleine, don’t you ever do that without my permission again. Then, there was the phrase I heard the most, the phrase that rang in my mind over and over, with much more force and anger every time it was said – Madeleine, be more like your sister. Madeleine, be more like your sister.

This section would be better off in italics so that it can be more easily distinguished from the rest of the paragraph.

Dialogue
Like I mentioned before, remember that dialogue is key in moving a story forward as well as making characters seem more real.

Characters
At this point, Maddi seems a little flat. Obviously, you want us to sympathize with her but throwing too much on us is going to turn us away.

Scene
Here is an aspect of writing that requires balance. There isn’t enough focus being put on the setting which is key in writing Historical fiction. The setting is was helps us to believe that you’ve taken us along with your character to the past.

I really don’t know what else to say except to work on being original. If you lose your originality, then you lose your audience.



Oh, and just as a reminder, make two more reviews before you post anything else. That old 2:1 ratio.

Hello again, I'm glad you posted your story up in sections in the end! Anyway, I have a few more nitpicks than everyone else! But hopefully they will be of use to you!

...long and silvery blonde, and her eyes, wide and almond shaped, were an emerald green. She was looking at me kindly with her soft, pale face. I stared at the woman in disbelief."

I agree with the other reviews here, this is rather a lot to be thrust at once, and it may be better dispersed across the scene, but that doesn't mean that description like this can't work all the time! My main problem with this section was the number of clauses that you had to put in to separate everything up, the section I have put in bold I had to read over 3 or 4 times before I read it properly!

“Mother?” I uttered softly.

“Madeleine, it’s me.”

Here, I actually think it would work better if you switched the order of these two, else change what the mother says. The character has clearly recognised her, so it would make sense (if she speaks second) for her to acknowledge with an affirmative like 'Yes Madeleine, it's me', or something. However, I still think reversing the order will have more of an impact!

I beamed excitedly. As far as I was concerned, she was dead – taken by a mysterious attack on her heart when I was twelve. I knew, because I had seen her death myself. It was one of the most terrible experiences of my life, something that would cause me too much pain to recount. Was she really here? Maybe I was dreaming. But even if I was, I didn’t want to dwell on it too long. My mother was right before me, and I wanted to make the most of it. A huge smile leaped across my face as I ran forward to hug her.

This paragraph confused me a little, firstly, the start of it. The emotion Madeleine expresses is one of happiness and excitement, but then you say 'as far as I was concerned, she was dead'. The second part could have multiple meanings, seeing as at this point you haven't clarified she's dead, and I don't think 'beaming excitedly' really fits any of them. It would be more suitable for her to be displaying some sort of shock or confusion? Or sadness? Maybe explain that it's happened before if that's how you want it to have been. The other part , 'attack on her heart' confused me a bit too, do you mean 'heart attack'? Or someone has attacked her heart? I think all in all that this paragraph needs a lot of modifications and tweaking so that it portrays the sort of emotion that you want it to without confusing!

She chucked quietly

Chuckled?

“Mother, I need you stay. Right now, I need you more than ever.”

“No, Mother!” I cried, tears welling up in my eyes. “Don’t go!” I grabbed onto her arm, but she broke herself free from my grasp, and disappeared into a white expanse.

There isn't anything inherently wrong with this section, but i think it runs through way too quickly. It's a bit of an anti-climax after we've been told about the mother appearing back from the dead. Maybe they could have a conversation about something, giving you more time to describe the apparition and any history she has with it, or about her mother's death. I have bolded 'white expanse', and 'disappeared', because I think they slightly contradict each other, maybe it should be something like 'fading into a white expanse', or 'disappearing into thin air'.

It was too hard for me, considering the parent I had left to raise me; my controlling, bitter father

Once again, I think this sentence could flow much better. I understand the meaning, but it took me a couple of goes to read it how I think you intended it to be read. I think you would be better losing the semi colon and incorporating the 'bitter father' section in the main sentence so that it doesn't feel as disjointed!

Madeleine, don’t even try, because you just can’t. Madeleine, it’s my final word. Madeleine, don’t you ever do that without my permission again

As someone else has said, this section does blend in with the rest of the text too much, and it would be good to separate it with quotation marks for the quotes perhaps? Or italicise it?

and proper and snobby sister.

It would work better if you swapped the first and with a comma.

My father played the favorites game very strongly, making it very obvious that it was Helena. She loved it, too. She loved all the attention. She did as best she could to live up to her status, and when she did, she always rubbed it in my face. Sometimes I couldn’t believe that we were twins.

I think once again, that this paragraph doesn't run like it should or could do, firstly, I don't think 'strongly' fits in with the first sentence, you might be better off with something like 'My father liked to play favorites, and it was obvious that Helena was his favorite' I'm not sure about the second half of it too, it seems perhaps a little bare and a little bit plain. I don't gain any sympathy for Madeleine at all!

The tears poured down even more.

I don't think 'even more' fits here, it sort of takes away from the description, perhaps say they pored down 'faster' or flowed faster?

unless being grown up meant that you lost all of your sense of humor.

I understand what you mean, but I'm not sure 'sense of humor' is the best word to describe it? You should probably use something like 'spirit', that represents her lack of will to be adventurous and different like she used to be.

Overall, I think you have a good outline, with some tweaking and rephrasing, and some additional emotion, it will be a good start to the story. Your language and grammar is generally faultless, so I wish you luck in the further chapters, and hopefully I'll be reviewing you again soon!

~Plus

Hey there!

Well, I love your idea. I think it's one of those lovely, classic sort of stories.

I'm not into nit-picking on the technical aspects of writing, but I think that maybe it would be lovely if you described the scene where Madeline sees her mother a little more? I just think it would build up more emotion for the reader.

Maybe a little more description of Helena too?

I think that's really the only thing I would highly recommend-more description of your scenes, characters etc.

But all in all, I like it! Keep writing and I'll keep reading!