Young Writers Society

Goodbye

James gazed in awe as the planes soared over his house, swooping so low he could almost see the pilot’s face.

He had always been enthralled by warfare. His father was in the army and James hadn’t seen him for about a year. Since his father's departure, James had always kept a photo of him under his pillow. Every night, before falling asleep, he would take the photo from under the pillow and stare at it whilst always trying to fantasise what it would be like in his father’s shoes.

Moreover, what James found most enticing were fighter planes. He knew everything he needed to know about them, but still, it was always a treat when he actually spotted one. It was not uncommon for his mother to find James transfixed to the windowsill, gaping at the planes soaring overhead. Somehow, they had always made it to the shelter in time.

But what happened on the night that James would always remember with dread was unprecedented.

His mother, Karen, burst into the room, and ran over to James, who, as always, was standing behind the closed window staring wide-eyed at the aircraft shooting through the air. “James, move!” she said, seizing his arm. James was brought out of his stupor as both him and his mum rushed through the door, praying that they would manage to reach the shelter before the planes did.

"Why do you always disobey me?!? I told you to come downstairs as fast as you can when the sirens ring!" his mum said angrily, spittle flying out of her mouth.

"But I-I," James stammered guiltily.

"Never mind now, keep moving!" said his mum, "Pray that we reach the shelter in time!" She led the way downstairs, and James followed, shame welling up inside him.

They went down the stairs two or three at a time. When they were halfway through, Karen slipped and momentarily lost the grip on her son’s arm. James was already at the bottom of the staircase before realizing what had occurred. He rushed back to aid his mother, who, despite having steadied herself by grabbing the rail lining the stairs, had twisted her ankle.

Her face paled in agony, but said “James, the key, get the door key, it's behind your father's photo! I’ll soon…” She was interrupted by a huge resounding crack overhead. As one, James and his mother stared upwards, in time to see the collapsing ceiling. James staggered back to avoid the oncoming debris, but almost at once started forward again, intent on helping his mother in any way he could.

She looked at him, and their eyes locked for a split second. "I love you," she whispered, as huge chunks of stone collapsed on her head.

“Mum!!” he screamed, but at the same time, something hit his head, and he was knocked unconscious, left to the mercy of the world.

***
James woke up. It felt as if his own body had turned against him as pain seared throughout him, rooting him to the spot. Then a blast of realization hit him. “Mum!” he croaked, throat parched with thirst. He made to stand, but a gentle hand pushed him back down. His eyes were blinded with tears as he heard someone say,” Stay where you are. Here, drink this.”

"No, let me up, help me stand," James said.

"You're not in a condition to go anywhere," the stranger replied gently, and James knew that he must be severely injured. He wiped his eyes and took the bottle he was offered as he stared at the stranger kneeling beside him. He was looking at James with pitiful eyes.

“Mum,” James whispered once more.

The outlander’s eyes sparkled with his own tears. “I’m sorry,” he replied, “There was nothing I could do for her. It’s a miracle that I managed to drag you out alive.”

Such a bittersweet comfort. There he lay, alive but broken, as those he loved had been taken away from him. James felt his eyes prickle with tears, and a sob escaped him. He cried of guilt, fear and grief. An overwhelming sense of hopelessness threatened to engulf him, but then he fell unconscious out of sheer exhaustion.

He woke up again at dawn. Realising that his saviour was sound asleep, he tried to sit up and managed, painfully. He tried to gather his thoughts, but his mother’s death was still fresh in his mind; he broke down again as fresh tears streamed down his face.

A long time passed before James was able to steady himself. He took gulps of air, yet every breath he took was pain. He glanced around, and noticed that he was in an unnatural place. An eerie, almost scary silence filled the air. No birds sung. No sirens whirred. He could not see another living thing apart from the stranger and himself. To the north, he could see a colossal fortified city that stretched out for miles without end. Gigantic buildings loomed over smaller houses. A sort of dreary sound seemed to be emanating from the distant city; James could almost imagine it sneering at the helplessness of the vulnerable human staring at its power. To the south lay what James took to be an assortment of villages. Compared to the city in the opposite direction, these villages were like a nest of fieldmice that knew they were doomed to die at the hands of the farmer's cats. To the west and east, nothing. An abyss swallowed in the shadows of the rising sun.

James struggled to keep his thoughts away from the terrible ordeal he had just endured, but he knew one thing. He wanted answers. As soon as the stranger woke up, he would badger him until he managed to string together the whys and whats twirling around in his head.

A wave of exhaustion hit him. It's as if the air raid drained me of every ounce energy had James thought. His eyelids began to stoop, and before he knew it, James had once again toppled into oblivion.

I think that this piece really shows the panic during an air raid and the crushing loss of a parent, but also the point of how kids were drawn in by propoganda about the army being great.
However, one part doesn't really sit well with me in realism. When you close with how James decides to avenge his mother's death and become a fighter pilot; what year is it? Is it during WWII? Or WWI? Does the story mention whether James is old enough to go to war? (Mind you, it was common practice to lie about your age if you really wanted in; a grandparent lied to get into the Air Force, but luckily during the end of the war.)
Please continue! I think that this looks awesome, the start of a novella.

This is really good. It shows the emotions a person would feel when losing a parent very clearly and I think it's very sound historically. I like that you;ve brought out that the people who found all the dead people and the survivors feltpain for them too. So many works show them as unfeeling strangers, while you show it to be someone identifying closely with the victim.
You do need to start a new paragraph for every new speaker, though. It clarifies who's speaking and when. I'd also use some term of endearment when the stranger tells James that his mother's dead; maybe 'son' or something like that. It'd show him identifying better with James.
Otherwise, really good! I can't even nitpick with this!:)

Hey, Basket here and I'm here to review your piece! So, I review this as I read, so if I comment on something that is later explained in the chapter, then I apologize and make sure you ignore it.
Also! My corrections or what I'm going to correct is in bold within the quotation boxes we can do! If I feel anything needs to be explained or anything, I'll add it below the quote box.
Sounds good? Great. Let's get started.

James had always been enthralled by warfare.

Change "James" to "he". You had already started the first paragraph with his name, so we know who you're talking about.

he actually spotted one, irrelevant of the emblem pigmented on its tail.

I think you could nix that. Not really relevant to the story quite yet, and quite random.

More often than not, during air raids, James would stay at the window, looking at the passing planes, forgetting all dangers he was in, until his mother would grab his arm and jar him back to reality as both would head off to the shelter.

This whole paragraph is a run on-sentence. Try something like:
"More often than not, during the many air raids, James would stay at the window, looking at the passing planes, completely oblivious to the dangers he was in. Furious, his mother would grab his arm, jarring him out of the daze he was in, and both would head off to the shelter."

His mother, Karen, burst into the room, and ran over to James, who, typically, was standing behind the closed window staring wide-eyed at the aircraft hovering overhead.

Ahh, I'm not so sure "hovering" is the right word... If you use it, it seems like the aircraft is actually hovering above his house instead of flying overhead. Try something like:
"...staring wide-eyed at the aircrafts shooting through the air."

James was brought out of his imagination as both him and his mum

I wouldn't use "imagination". Use a different word. Like "stupor", for example.

As they were halfway through, Karen slipped and

Try, "When they".

Her face paled in agony, but she said “James, keep heading to the shelter!

Nix that.

She never managed to finish the sentence. A huge resounding crack was heard overhead.

Ahhh... change it to something like... "She was interuppted by a huge resounding crack overhead."

him as pain seared throughout him, paralyzing James, rooting him to the spot.

Ahh... I'd take "paralyzing James" out, personally. Kind of a run on-sentence.

“Mum!” he croaked. His throat was parched with thirst.

These two sentences can easily be brought together.
" "Mum!" he croaked, throat parched with thirst." "

He made to stand, but a gentle hand pushed him back down. His eyes were blinded with tears as he heard someone say,” Stay where you are. Here, drink this.” James wiped his eyes and took the bottle he was offered as he stared at the stranger kneeling beside him. The stranger looked at James with pitiful eyes. “Mum,” James whispered once more. The outlander’s eyes sparkled with his own tears. “I’m sorry,” he replied, “There was nothing I could do for her. It’s a miracle that I managed to drag you out alive.”

When two different people are speaking, start a new paragraph with a new person. So instead of this huge paragraphs that sometimes throw off the readers, make it:
"He made to stand, but a gentle hand pushed him back down. His eyes were blinded with tears as he heard someone say,” Stay where you are. Here, drink this.” James wiped his eyes and took the bottle he was offered as he stared at the stranger kneeling beside him. The stranger looked at James with pitiful eyes.

“Mum,” James whispered once more.

The outlander’s eyes sparkled with his own tears. “I’m sorry,” he replied, “There was nothing I could do for her. It’s a miracle that I managed to drag you out alive.” "

The place seemed…unnatural. Anomalous. Far from home.

Try not to use words that the readers may not know.

But that was of little concern to James now. He stood up, all pain forgotten, and with clenched fists and a determined soul, strode forward.

I haven't quite experienced losing a loved one, but I doubt he could really get over his own mothers death quite that fast. Mention somewhere that he's still feeling the pain, to make him seem more realistic.


And there's your review! I hope I helped!
Now, a few things:

First thing is you have the habit of telling and not showing. I can't remember the site exactly, but if you ask an older member, I'm sure they would be very glad to help and give you the link. Its on this site.
Second you have a tendancy to make new sentences, and making them short, or having run on sentences. Its easily fixed. All you have to do is re-read your chapter and whatnot out loud and fix these things. Very, very simple, and doesn't take too long.

I'm not sure what could happen next...
You could have this stranger appear more, as it would be the logical thing. Introduce him, make him a fun character. Maybe have this stranger be an aviator, or knows something about them.
I really don't know what you could have happen...

However! I did like this. Thought it was very interesting.
You really did do a good job, all you have to do is keep in mind the things I said.
-Basket-

Hiya!
I'm here.

This was a great piece, you really captured the emotion, and the characterization is AWESOME. In the second part though, you could add a little more description, because I had no idea where he woke up. That's all I noticed. Keep writing!

Here as requested!
Hi Palip!

Every night, before falling asleep, he would take the photo from under the pillow and stare at it whilst always trying to fantasise what it meant to be in his father’s shoes.

This part disturbed me in some way. I think it would go better as "Every night, before falling asleep, he would take the photo from under the pillow and stare at it whilst always trying to fantasize what it would be like in his father’s shoes."

His mother, Karen, burst into the room, and ran over to James, who, typically, was standing behind the closed window staring wide-eyed at the aircraft shooting through the air.

"His mother, Karen, burst into the room, and ran over to James, who, as always, was standing behind the closed window staring wide-eyed at the aircraft shooting through the air.

"Why do you always disobey me?!? Didn't I tell you to come downstairs as fast as you could when you heard the siren??" his mum said angrily, spittle flying our of her mouth.

Too many question marks.

" "Why do you always disobey me?! Didn't I tell you to come downstairs as fast as you could when you heard the siren?" his mum said angrily, spittle flying out of her mouth. "

"But I..I," James stammered guiltily.

" "But I- I," James stammered guiltily." or "But I... I," James stammered guiltily." or "But I-" James stammered guiltily." "

"Never mind now, keep moving!," said his mum,"Pray that we reach the shelter in time!" She lead the way downstairs, and James followed, shame welling up inside him.

" "Never mind now, keep moving! (no coma here)" said his mum,(space here) "Pray that we reach the shelter in time!" She led the way downstairs, and James followed, shame welling up inside him."

Her face paled in agony, but said “James, the key, get the doorkey, it's behind your

"Door key"

“Muuuum!!” he screamed,

"Mum!!"

Or just ditch the other exclamation mark as well. The multiple "u's" make it look weird and comical.

. He cried, cried of guilt, fear and grief.

don't repeat. Take the second "cried" away or replace it with some other word like "Wept"

He woke up again at dawn. Realising that his saviour was sound asleep,

"He woke up again at dawn. Realizing that his [i]savior was sound asleep,"[/i]

A long time passed before James was able to steady himself. He took gulps of air, yet every breath he took was pain. He glanced around, and noticed that he was in an....unnatural place. Far away from home. He could not see another living thing apart from the stranger and himself. Silence seemed to stretch out for miles without end. No birds were singing. No sirens were whirring.

Show don't tell. What kind of place? Explain. How is it unnatural.

Sirens. If only I had obeyed mum, sobbed James bitterly; but it was no use at all dwelling on what he should've done. His heart seemed to crack into pieces as flashbacks of recent memories thwirled inside his head;

"Sirens. If only I had obeyed mum, sobbed James bitterly; but it was no use at all dwelling on what he should've done. His heart seemed to crack into pieces as flashbacks of recent memories twirled inside his head; "

Thoughts follow the same rules as speech. So you either start the thought one line below "Sirens." or you make "Sirens." part of the thought.

,

what beasts had separated

the desire to see those murderers dead at his feet, was too great to put aside.

no comma after "feet".

Good work! A bit disturbing but I liked it.

I thought this was a good idea, a little cliche, but pretty good. I think it's a good start to a new story and you should definently continue it. I'm a little intrigued about the saviour. Is he an enemy or a friend to the boy's country. That would definently be interesting to see.

Hey!

The air raids at this time in history were quite horrifying and I think you captured that atmosphere well. Citizens really were killed like this, and it is intriguing to go into detail of their ordeal.

Palip wrote:
James gazed in awe as the planes soared over his house, stooping so low he could almost see the pilot’s face.

I thought this opening line was weird, then I realized why (I think). Does "stooping" refer to the planes, or James? If it's the planes, I would change it to something like "swooping" because it doesn't make sense for James to "stoop low" in order to see the pilots, who are up high.

Every night, before falling asleep, he would take the photo from under the pillow and stare at it whilst always trying to fantasise what it would be like in his father’s shoes.

I don't really like the word "whilst" here, it's kinda jarring. What about "...and stare at it, trying to fantasise..." Just a suggestion

Moreover, what James found most enticing were fighter planes. He knew everything he needed to know about them, but still, it was always a treat when he actually spotted one. More often than not, during the many air raids, James would stay at the window, looking at the passing planes, completely oblivious to the dangers he was in. Furious, his mother would grab his arm, jarring him out of the daze he was in, and both would head off to the shelter.

I like this paragraph. I could clearly see young James running towards the window to see the planes.

. To the north, he could see a colossal fortified city that stretched out for miles without end. Gigantic buildings loomed over smaller houses. A sort of dreary sound seemed to be emanating from the distant city; James could almost imagine it sneering at the helplessness of the vulnerable human staring at its power. To the south lay what James took to be an assortment of villages. Compared to the city in the opposite direction, these villages were like a nest of fieldmice that knew they were doomed to die at the hands of the farmer's cats. To the west and east, nothing. An abyss swallowed in the shadows of the rising sun.

Was James moved out of the city? I was a bit confused about this part, he seems to not recognize the city, but I assumed that was where he came from. Might just be me.


That's what I have to critique...I enjoyed the story. Is is a short, or are you going to add on? Would love to see more.

Hey there, Palip. My apologies for taking so long to get around to reviewing this. Hopefully you can still use some feedback. Let's see what I can do!

I. Little Things

stooping so low he could almost see the pilot’s face.

I don't think that 'stooping' is the correct verb to use in this case, because you're talking about planes. I believe you meant to use 'swooping', which is far more appropriate for the situation.

completely oblivious to the dangers he was in.

I think you should keep 'danger' singular, because there's no reference to any other danger besides the air raid.

“Mum!!” he screamed, but at the same time, something hit his head, and he knew no more.

'He knew no more' is a phrase that is used so often it is basically a cliche. :] Why not just say what happened? Tell us that he was knocked unconscious. The thing is, although it's a nice, poetic way to imply the event without explicitly stating it, it breaks up the tone of your piece and sounds highly pretentious. You want to avoid phrases like that or even words like that -- things that don't fit the rest of your piece. It breaks up the flow and is noticeable to the reader.

He glanced around, and noticed that he was in an....unnatural place.

Why did you feel the need to use an ellipse? In my opinion, showing hesitation in description is never very effective. If you take out the ellipse, the sentence says exactly the same thing, only it gets to the point a lot more quickly.

II. Big Things

-- Long, Rambling Sentences // Syntax Variety

More often than not, during the many air raids, James would stay at the window, looking at the passing planes, completely oblivious to the dangers he was in. Furious, his mother would grab his arm, jarring him out of the daze he was in, and both would head off to the shelter.

So this is just one example, but you have several sentences in this small piece that go on in description the way that this one does. You keep adding more pieces of information by simply tacking them on at the end with a comma, and it gets repetitive. Something that writers usually don't consider but readers often notice is syntax variety. If you structure your sentences in the same way all the time and if they constantly have around the same length, it gets boring. You need to work your information together in different ways so that it seems fresh. Try shorter sentences. Try longer sentences that use conjunctions rather than lists.

-- Setting Up The Plot

When I got to the end, I was kind of disappointed. You'd done a fairly good job at introducing the story, but then you came out and said the point of the story very explicitly. It would be alright if you simply said that James wanted to find some way to avenge his mother, but you go on describing it and trying to make it more dramatic, which really makes it seem like something definitive -- something that breaks the story right there. If this is meant as a prologue and the real action might take place /many/ years later, it could possibly be okay, but if you're using this as the beginning to a chapter where the action continues right after this, it's too much of a breaking point to work.

I thought you had good points of description, but if you continue this piece, you'll need to focus on some more character development with James, because although we know he's hurt by his mother's death and that he admires his father, we don't know anything little about him -- just little things you could show us, like how he dresses or how he deals with ordinary things.

PM me if you have any questions, okay?

-Hannah-

Good stuff, Palip! Makes me want to read more!
However, here’s some things I noticed:
Like most of the other reviewers, I wanted to know more about where he is when he wakes up. The reader likes to get some immediate information – it doesn’t have to be particularly defined; just a little hint so we know whether his surrounding is more like a hospital or if he’s maybe still lying among the debris.
And even when you’d written about the city and the villages he sees, I was wondering where exactly he was. You know, whether he was lying on a stack of hay in the middle of a field or at the side of a road or whatever.

To the north, he could see a colossal fortified city that stretched out for miles without end. Gigantic buildings loomed over smaller houses. A sort of dreary sound seemed to be emanating from the distant city; James could almost imagine it sneering at the helplessness of the vulnerable human staring at its power. To the south lay what James took to be an assortment of villages. Compared to the city in the opposite direction, these villages were like a nest of fieldmice that knew they were doomed to die at the hands of the farmer's cats. To the west and east, nothing. An abyss swallowed in the shadows of the rising sun.

How does he know the city is north? I should think he’s probably still feeling a little groggy, so he would take some time to figure out where the sun is rising and from that make out where North is. So you might just change the sentences around a bit, put the bit about the sun more to the beginning of the paragraph.

A wave of exhaustion hit him. It's as if the air raid drained me of every ounce energy had James thought. His eyelids began to stoop, and before he knew it, James had once again toppled into oblivion.

It shold probably be,

A wave of exhaustion hit him. It's as if the air raid drained me of every ounce energy, James thought. His eyelids began to stoop, and before he knew it, he'd once again toppled into oblivion.

Don't think we need that much of James here.
Anyway, these are some minor things I noticed; actually I really enjoyed this a lot, and I hope I could help you a little, in response to the reviews you gave me!
Please write more!
HC

Hey there Palip,

Here, as requested! Thank you for the beautiful request, by the way. It's my pleasure. I'll do what I can for this one but I'd like to give you a heads up; I don't usually review historical fiction.

I found that the story itself was bouncing all over the place. You start with James mentioning his love of warcraft. Then, his father's *disappearance?* then his mother drags him down and gets knocked out and dies.

I'm going to be blunt here and ask; who cares? This may sound harsh but bare with me; Because you didn't introduce us to your characters before this all happened, we didn't get to know them and feel for their deaths. Like when you watch the news and hear of a death or accident. You might be sad that they have passed away but you won't shed a tear for them, won't lose a wink of sleep. Much like right here.

It might be easier for everyone if you jump directly in the story. Have the alarm blaring, James is startled, knows he should run down but for some reason doesn't. It shows what era we're in, that war is up and about, and it shows us a little of his character. What would make James halt and not run for immediate shelter? Because it is a short story, you can't really concentrate on every aspect of every character, but try with direct words to pull us in, to help us feel for the characters.

One way to do it is to use all five senses. I'm sitting at my computer table now. I'm grinding my teeth (bad habit, I know), because I'm concentrated. I feel pain in my jaw, my neck and head. I'm right off the kitchen and I can smell the remnants of my Kraft Dinner supper. Does it make my mouth water? Nah. I had enough. I can still taste the candy-sugar pie I had for desert, though. My keyboard is warm under my fingers and I can hear the fan whirring underneath it. See? We always smell, see, taste or feel something. So do our characters and that's what brings us into the action. That's what brings yours readers in. You might mention a lilac smell that will remind me of summers dancing outside with lilac trees surrounding me. It will be a fond memory. But to another reader, it might be reminiscent of a lilac tree and a bee sting. Bad memory. Either way, you do want to pull emotion from your reader. Not just skim over your writing.

Another thing. I noticed another reviewer mentioned showing, not telling. I'm not going to mention anything but I'm going to link a very good article to you right now.
topic41426.html

All that being said, I think it was an interesting idea for a story and if developped properly could be excellent. As I mentioned, I'm not a huge fan of historical/war fiction so I can't really comment on the interest of the reader but the idea of pulling emotion by the loss of a parent is never something one tires of. We all have parents and in most cases would be devastated by their loss.

It would be great to see where you could go with this, and if you plan to develop it as you said, I'd love to review it for you.

I hope this was helpful for you.

Tanya

Very strong and realistic in my opinion. The characters were very believable and held on to my attention though some parts were a bit predictable.