Young Writers Society

Chen Yu furrowed his brows, all but entranced by his sister’s performance. But every other member of the Chinese Imperial Court latched their eyes onto her movements, unable to look away. When the sprightly young girl had declared to the Emperor her dancing was the greatest in the land, she did not exaggerate.

Matching each pluck of the zither, she turned in sweeping arcs. In each outstretched hand she fluttered a golden fan, and they moved like butterflies around a fragrant flower. The zither player sped up, pulling at the strings in immediate succession, challenging the young dancer. Yet the girl continued undaunted, moving quicker and quicker until the soft white of her shoes peeked out from underneath her dress. The spectators cooed, speaking to one another in hushed tones.

“Lady Hualin is the plum blossom floating in a spring breeze,” one official stated, in an attempt to gain some respect with an elegant phrase. He succeeded, as a few others made soft noises of agreement.

Some officials looked over at Chen Yu, and he forced himself to smile back. While Chen Yu was one of the latest scholars honored with the role of magistrate, everyone believed that his younger sister was his greatest blessing. While Hualin wore outstanding silk dresses, he kept things simple. That day he wore the stiff black robes of a magistrate, the only embroidery consisting of a rising sun over an ocean, placed square in the middle of his chest. His plainness made a stark contrast to her overwhelming allure, and people often marveled at the fact that the two were related. But he never cared about the exterior-based thoughts of these people. Chen Yu had been born into this world to protect his sister, and no other man would ever worry about her as much as he did. While everyone else was enthralled with her beauty, only he stopped to think about the consequences her recklessness wrought.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Chen Yu gazed around, his eyes shifting from his sister to the Emperor. He wished to himself that the Son of Heaven would find his sister a pretty little trinket that only merited a few moments’ glance. But the Emperor was thoroughly captivated. His whole being leaned in towards her spiraling figure; there was no way out of it now.

Of course Hualin could simply stumble – just one slight misstep – and the spell would be released, her freedom secured. She was talented enough to make just the right mistake, one that wouldn’t ruin her performance yet end the magic of her dance. But the girl was stubborn and flighty, always had been. And Chen Yu was the complacent older sibling— a quality many people chided him for. In the guidelines of the great philosopher Kong Fuzi, the sister obeyed the brother, and the younger complied with the older. This was the way things were meant to be. But Chen Yu could never muster the strength. Hualin certainly was like a flower traveling in the wind, beautiful and carefree, hindered by none. Chen Yu was naught more than the roots of the tree; he only watched as she soared higher, away from his homely position near the earth.

“Do you not understand what risk you would be in, inside the Imperial Court? You would have to fight every day for His Majesty’s attention. Lies, manipulation, attempts at your life: meimei, do not put yourself in such danger!” He recalled his words to her back home only a few weeks ago and suppressed a sigh. Each day those words ran over and over in his mind, becoming clearer and more ominous each time. If only he had been able to dissuade her from her plan. If only he had told the Emperor that his humble sister had no talents, instead of allowing her to say that she was a dancer…there were so many things that he could have done. Perhaps fate would have changed its path.

Chen Yu’s eyes met Hualin’s. The focus of her inky eyes flickered, momentarily replaced with the same look she had given him when she replied to his pleas. Watch me, brother, watch me dance into happiness.

Yet he could see no happiness in her future. The Emperor was cunning and charismatic, traits fine for dealing in politics. When Chen Yu had still been a scholar, he had hailed the Emperor as one of the Middle Kingdom’s greatest rulers, keeping peace and prosperity in the land. But as magistrate, Chen Yu had heard the rumors of harem women driven insane, screaming in the night for the Emperor’s love as they were dragged away. If Hualin managed to survive the Son of Heaven’s toying with her mind, the Empress or other concubines would get to her. Hualin was dancing not to happiness, he knew that.

The zither let out one last, twanging note and Chen Yu could not help but think of the sound of arrows as they hit their target. Hualin spun into a curtsy, her eyes downcast. The Emperor stood up from his throne and clapped his hands together, proclaiming, “I have chosen the fourth Imperial Concubine!” The whole time his dark eyes never left her.

Even from his place in the back, Chen Yu could see the smile that graced her painted lips as she murmured her gratitude. The court thundered with the resounding applause of the officials, approving despite the suddenness of the decision. Apparently no discussion was needed.

The official who had made the poetic comment earlier noted, “Look, her brother sheds tears of joy. He is a new magistrate and already he is kin to the Son of Heaven. With fortune’s blessing, young Chen Yu shall soon be the uncle of the next Emperor. Continued prosperity to you, child!”

Chen Yu placed another smile on his face, grateful for the excuse to weep openly. The tears spilled down his face unchecked, making dark splotches on the black silk of his robe. An image came into his mind and he could not help but make it audible, even if it was hardly more than a whisper.

“Rising to the heavens, the jaws of the mighty dragon crush the dance of the plum blossom.”

Hi Octo! I’m here for a review!

In the court of the great ruler of the Middle Kingdom, a young woman danced, entrancing all those around her.

This isn’t so bad as a first line. I just find it’s a bit broken up by commas at the moment. ^_^ I would consider not putting in the “Middle Kingdom” mention, as I find it bit forced. I didn’t pick up that this was China from that, and I would think there’s a smoother way of introducing the setting. Maybe taking a whole sentence for the kingdom, saying that the court was focused on one thing, and then saying how the dancer was entrancing them? Mentioning her movements and clothing? It would be a slower start, yes, but I think that a start that unfolds more slowly would suite this story better than trying to work in an instant hook. A slower start would fit the tone of the work better, and it might set up a bit more tension at the beginning.

She turned in sweeping arcs that made her dress of sapphire silk billow around her and catch the light at every angle.

I find this line has a few too many adjectives. It makes the line hard to read, and when you’re faced with such a line it can be hard to picture. This line is also unclear because you’re combining her movement and her outfit together. I’d take one line for the movement and one line for the outfit so that they don’t “fight” with each other and make it hard to picture. ^_^

In each hand she held a golden fan and they fluttered alongside her, like butterflies around a fragrant flower.

I’d like to see a different verb than “alongside.” It makes me think the fans aren’t moving, despite the metaphor and “fluttered.” Consider replacing it with “around” to give a better feeling of motion. It also creates an image of more circular movement, which I think is what you’re going for.

I do like the slow we you’re introducing the metaphor here. Because you keep building on it each time, this slow and subtle start works.

The zither player sped up, plucking the strings in immediate succession,

Since you haven’t mentioned how the music was played before, I would delete the mention of how fast he was going. ^^

But the girl continued undaunted, moving quicker and quicker until the soft white of her shoes peeked out from underneath the dress. The spectators all cooed, speaking to one another in hushed tones.

I like this detail here. Gives us what’s the standard for the clothing and modesty. Very nice work.

He succeeded, as a few others hummed their agreement.

I’m not sure about “hummed” here. I can picture it, but wouldn’t humming be distracting to the music?

His name was Chen Yu, the latest scholar to be honored with the role of magistrate,

This sentence feels slightly flat to me. I’d like to see this presented in a more exiting way, one where we’re not being told strait-out what happened. The information is here, just find a new way to present it. ^^

from the stiff black robes embroidered simply with the rising sun over an ocean

I would like to know where this embroidery is.

Also, I find the wording here slightly weird. I believe “simply” is the culprit. Mostly it’s position after “embroidered.” I’d flip the two so this is nicer to read. It would keep the same meaning, and maybe make it clearer. ^^

No other man in the world could be her brother, since no one else worried about her quite so much.

I’m not sure what you mean by this. Could nobody but her brother care for her that much, or does he think that nobody else could watch over her because he does the best job? ^^

the August Son of Heaven

The word “August” here feels misplaced. 1- I’m not sure if the Chinese would have been using the calendar we know, and 2- I think it would be hard to find a real-life parallel should you want one. ^_^ I am aware that the emperors were called Sons of Heaven, and I like to see that you’ve used that detail.

there was no way out of it now.

I’d like a bit more on this line. Something besides what Hualin could do to secure her freedom. Maybe what her brother could do, which is what I was expecting.

Of course Hualin could simply stumble – just one slight misstep – to release the spell. A single jerky moment was all that was required to secure her freedom. But the girl was stubborn and flighty, always had been.

I find the first line of this slightly incomplete. I would expect more a mark on her talents, less on her personality. You can still keep the line on her personality, but I would like an explanation on her talents. ^_^

And Chen Yu was the complacent older sibling

I find this line is detached from the line before it. Because we don’t know he tried to talk her out of it, finding out that this was her idea is rather jarring. ^^

The sister obeyed the brother, the younger complied with the older, and so on and so forth. But Chen Yu could never muster the strength.

Because you don’t tell us that Chen Yu isn’t normal in the dealings with his sister, telling us the normal can be slightly confusing. We think that you’re talking about Chen in the first line here, but we know that can’t be the case. I’d rework this order so we know where Chen Yu stands with his sister.

Chen Yu was naught more than the roots of the tree; he only watched as she soared higher and higher from his homely position near the earth.

I find this metaphor to be a bit odd. Why would he compare himself to just the roots when he could be the whole tree? The wording seems to mean something much deeper, but I’m having a hard time grasping it because I don't quiet understanding the logic behind the metaphor. I think it has something to do with him being her family, and I can’t wait to find out if I’m right or not.

The stillness of Hualin’s soul disappeared as she made eye contact with her brother.

You’ve changed viewpoints here, in such a way it feels jarring. I’d make this so Chen Yu notices Hualin catch his eye instead of Hualin making eye contact with her brother. It would smooth out the prose and make this paragraph flow with the rest of the work. ^^

The rest of the paragraph I enjoyed, though. It’s just this one line.

Chen Yu could not help but think of the knells just outside the palace.

Could you explain what a “knell” is please? I’m not sure what you mean by it, so I can’t really understand this line.

The whole time his dark eyes never left her, shining hungrily from his handsome face.

I find that “handsome” is too much in this line. You’re already carrying a bunch of adjectives, and “handsome” feels like too much.

The officials gave a resounding round of applause, approving despite the suddenness of the decision.

Because you haven’t given the standard for how an imperial concubine is chosen, this line feels incomplete/out of place. Take an extra line or two to give the standard and this will be fine. ^^

he is kin to the Son of Heaven. With heaven’s blessing,

“Heaven” is repetitive here. I would replace the second one with “gods,” since several deities were worshiped at this time.

“Rising to the heavens, the jaws of the mighty dragon crush the dance of the plum blossom.”

Chilling ending. More please!

*

Beginning: I find the beginning could use some more tension thrown in. Right now you’re unfolding the setting and conflict in a very slow fashion, which is nice, but I’d like a bit more to grab me in the opening. This can be done in a slow manner. Take the first paragraph of The Swan Kingdom by Zoe Merriott:

You probably know me already. In every story you’ve ever been told, someone like me exists. A figure in the background, barely noticed by the main players. A talentless, unwanted child. The ugly one. The ugly one only gets in the way. She is as out of place as a sparrow in a clutch of swans. This was the role I had in my father’s hall.

This whole paragraph slowly brings us into a conflict. The first line is a hook: it makes us wonder why we know her. The bulk of the paragraph is explaining who she is. There is an implied tension in the narration, about how she might be pushed into the background or it might be her choice. Whatever the author was going for, the point is the MC doesn’t seem all that happy with her situation. (Would you be, if you were labeled as “the ugly one”?) In the final line the true conflict is introduced: her father treating her that way.

Despite the paragraph being slow to unravel, we still get the tension rather early. I would take a look at your first few paragraphs and try to rework them so the tension comes up earlier. It would make the beginning more like a slow opening, rather than just giving us all the information.

If you want more on beginnings, feel free to check out this article

Characters: I enjoyed the metaphor that you used to describe Hualin. It fit a lot of uses, and all of them seemed to build on each other. I very much enjoyed that.

Chen Yu I had a harder time connecting to until the end. I found his logic to be a bit sketchy because we’re not sure about his relationship to Hualin. I’d put in more of his abnormal relationship at the beginning so we can understand his character better. ^_^

Tone: I enjoyed the formal tone here once I got used to it. Also, you seemed to hit your stride about halfway through this work, which made it flow more smoothly. I did notice some hiccups, but for a work where you’re experimenting that is to be expected. I’m very interested to see where you take this, just to see how your style grows as you get used to the story. ^_^

Overall: I enjoyed reading this. It was a very nice beginning, one that hints at a lot more to come. I’d work on the relationship between Chen Yu and Hualin (to make it clearer) and be careful that you don’t use too many adjectives/adverbs in one line.

PM me with questions!

~Rosey

Hi, octo, I'll be your reviewer today. ^^

In the court of the great ruler of the Middle Kingdom, a young woman danced, entrancing all those around her.

First off, I wasn't confused by the "Middle Kingdom" mention since I'm of Chinese descent myself so I should know what my country's name actually means. XD It will confuse those unfamiliar with China, though; the first thought will probably be Middle Earth. So consider revising that, or making some mention of China...somehow.

I do agree with Rosey that I think this sentence would be better up broken in two.

Also, I'm not fond of the phrase "great ruler" because it feels rather childish...and I'm inclined to challenge it from the outset because I'm being told what a great ruler this great ruler supposedly is without being shown that he is indeed great.

She turned in sweeping arcs that made her dress of sapphire silk billow around her and catch the light at every angle.

The imagery here is fine until the "catch the light at every angle" part. Not only can I not picture that, but it drags the sentence on far too long to the point of clunkiness.

In each hand she held a golden fan and they fluttered alongside her, like butterflies around a fragrant flower.

The way this is worded seems to imply that the fans are moving of their own volition, instead of because she's spinning them. Change the wording so it's more clear that she is the one controlling the fans' fluttering.

I do like the imagery of butterflies around a flower here, though. Actually, I'm liking the imagery in this story quite a bit. It has a sort of...archaic...feel to it which is hard to explain, but feels nice to read.

The zither player sped up, plucking the strings in immediate succession, obviously challenging her.

The "obviously" is unnecessary. In a first draft, a lot of useless modifiers such as that will appear, but it's your job to go back and excise them. Good prose is economical.

Also, I think a mention of the zither earlier would help things because as it is, the zither pops out of nowhere. Since you didn't mention it before, it's jarring when you talk about it speeding up.

The spectators all cooed, speaking to one another in hushed tones.

You don't need the "all".

His name was Chen Yu, the latest scholar to be honored with the role of magistrate, and his plainness made a stark contrast to his sister’s allure.

I'm not in general fond of "His name was" introductions. They're so very...jarring and unsubtle and at their worst, authorial intrusions. Find a more natural way to slip Chen Yu's name into the story.

There was nothing about his stature that stood out, from the stiff black robes embroidered simply with the rising sun over an ocean to his sharp and prominent nose.

Ouch, another mouthful of a sentence. There are too many details in this sentence cluttering it up--let's see what we can excise.

You don't need the "There was". It'd be much more elegant as "Nothing about his stature stood out". The entire description of his robe, while lovely, is too clunky. "Sharp" and "prominent" mean the same thing when it comes to noses.

In fact, he knew that many people marveled at the fact that the two were related.

Yucky repetition of "fact". And you don't need either of them: "He knew that many people marveled that the two were related". See? A much easier read.

No other man in the world could be her brother, since no one else worried about her quite so much.

I can sort of see what you're saying here, but it's not entirely clear. It took me two read-throughs before I understood.

Clarity is hard to achieve. You, the author, know exactly what you're trying to say, but readers don't have a window into your mind. So everything has to be 100 percent crystal to them on the first read, unless you're trying intentionally to obfuscate. I don't think you are...so rephrase this.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Chen Yu gazed around furtively, his eyes shifting often from his sister to the Emperor.

The "furtively" is unnecessary because his actions already imply furtiveness. And for personal reasons, I just don't like that word, but that's my preferences speaking. XD

He wished to himself that the August Son of Heaven would find her a mere trifle, a pretty little trinket that only merited a few moments’ glance.

I understand what the "August" as part of his title means, but it just feels so...Roman. Clashes with the otherwise perfectly Chinese atmosphere you've got goign here.

Also, I feel like you've got a lot of clutter going on in the second part of the sentence. "Mere trifle, pretty little trinket..." Many of those words could be cut since they all mean essentially the same thing.

But the Emperor was thoroughly captivated, his whole being leaning in towards her spiraling figure; there was no way out of it now.

I like this; it reveals Chen Yu's overprotective big brother nature without overtly stating it. It's subtle but not so much that it's confusing.

Of course Hualin could simply stumble – just one slight misstep – to release the spell. A single jerky moment was all that was required to secure her freedom.

Again, I feel like you've got two sentences that say the exact same thing.

But the girl was stubborn and flighty, always had been. And Chen Yu was the complacent older sibling— a quality many people chided him for. The sister obeyed the brother, the younger complied with the older, and so on and so forth.

I like this as well; a play on traditional Confucian values and how the brother and sister are violating them (that is one of my favorite things to read about in a story--main characters who violate societal norms and struggle to maintain their independence in face of oppression). You've also introduced conflict, between Chen Yu and Hualin.

What I'm not so fond of is the "so on and so forth" part. It feels disarmingly casual and dismissive, clashing not only with the tone you've set up but also with the way traditional Chinese society views Confucianism.

Hualin certainly was like a flower traveling in the wind, beautiful and carefree, hindered by none. Chen Yu was naught more than the roots of the tree; he only watched as she soared higher and higher from his homely position near the earth.

I like this metaphor; it's a beautiful contrast. Actually, I like all the nature metaphors you've employed so far, as not only do they present some beautiful images, they also fit very well into traditional Chinese reverence for nature. It's an interesting way to display the culture of the time period without outright saying it.

However, the sentence feels a bit clunky; there are extraneous words in here ("higher and higher", for example).

He recalled his words to her back home only a few weeks ago and repressed a sigh.

The proper word in this scenario would be "suppressed". Repressed makes me think of harems and Sigmund Freud, for some reason. That probably says more about me than you, though.

On a more serious note, it's becuse "repressed" tends to have connotations of a stifling political regime or culture. It tends not to be used in conjunction with something as trivial as a sigh.

Each day those words ran over and over in his mind, becoming clearer and more ominous with each repetition.

I don't like the repetition of repetition. All right, you're not repeating "repetition" exactly, but "over and over" in conjunction with "repetition" is repeating the same idea. I'd rephrase this as "each time" instead of "with each repetition".

The stillness of Hualin’s soul disappeared as she made eye contact with her brother. The focus of her inky eyes flickered, momentarily replaced with the same look she had given him when she replied to his pleas. Watch me, brother, watch me dance into happiness.

POV change? Jarring, especially since you've built no precedent for omniscient POV in this story. Everything so far has been from Chen Yu's POV, so to suddenly switch to Hualin's is a shock as big as a rug being pulled from under the reader's feet.

Now, on the other hand, if you make a precedent for omniscient POV early in the story and skip to various POV's--Chen Yu, Hualin, the emperor, random watching courtiers, perhaps one of the emperor's jealous concubines or whatnot--it could make a fascinating story and exploration of the overall society, as well as writing in different voices (which could help if this was an exercise in voice, as you said). I'm thinking of that one (horrible) Modernist short story "The Infant Prodigy". Which was pointless and ridiculous, but had a somewhat similar premise. One thing I admired about the otherwise abhorrent story is how it fully employed omniscient to explore the thoughts and feelings not just of the titular prodigy, but the people watching him play piano, the ushers, his music teacher, etc. Something like that, when employed in this story (which actually has a point), could be very powerful indeed if done right.

The zither let out one last, crooning note and Chen Yu could not help but think of the knells just outside the palace.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but from the historical dramas my parents watch, it seems to me that zithers twang more than croon.

The connection between zithers and knells is rather tenuous to boot, since the sounds are completely different. It's a cool connection but not terribly effective.

The comma after "last" is also unnecessary.

Hualin spun into a diminutive curtsy, her eyes downcast.

How can a curtsey be diminutive? And MS Word has been telling me that "curtsey" is spelled with an "e".

The whole time his dark eyes never left her, shining hungrily from his handsome face.

The imagery here feels a little off. I think there's an overabundance of adjectives, and the jarring images of "shining", "hungrily", and "handsome" do not help things.

Even from his spot

"Spot" is jarring given the otherwise archaic voice in this piece. Use "position" instead.

. The officials gave a resounding round of applause, approving despite the suddenness of the decision.

Somehow I feel there's room for figurative language in describing the applause. As it is now, the imagery is rather vague and unspecific. "Gave" = no love. >_>

The rest of the men gave smiles to which Chen Yu nodded back, inwardly grateful that he could weep openly for once in his life.

Too many adverbs here is distracting and an unclear image.

“Rising to the heavens, the jaws of the mighty dragon crush the dance of the plum blossom.”

This, on the other hand, is a very powerful ending--powerful especially because of the previous preponderance of metaphors and similes in this piece. It doesn't feel out of place or (heaven forbid) purple. Well done.

Overall thoughts:

I liked this. It's not very often that you find stories set in this time period, so it's something different. Now, I can't speak for historical accuracy since my knowledge of Chinese history also comes only from historical dramas (bad ones, to boot), but as a story, it was very enjoyable. In few words, you managed to have an entire conflict, rising action, climax, and resolution. Though the genders are reversed in my situation, I could empathize strongly with your protagonist, Chen Yu, because I have a little brother myself and feel very overprotective towards him. It's difficult seeing a beloved baby sibling part from you, especially if you know they're only going to enter a dangerous situation.

Like I noted before, I especially enjoyed your usage of figurative language, because not only were the images for the most part lovely and concrete, they fit into the society's interest in nature. It's always wonderful when a society's culture influences the prose of the story in a natural way. I don't know if the way you did it is standard practice in historical fiction (since it's a genre I don't read much of), but quite a few fantasy writers (the genre which is my first love) could stand to learn from it.

Since you wanted comments on voice and style: the formal voice fit the story well. It was archaic without being over-the-top (I'm looking at you, Inheritance "Cycle"...). No "thees" and "thous" and purple prose. The tone actually reminded me a lot of Pearl S. Buck's The Good Earth, an award-winning (Nobel, I believe) novel about early 20th-century China. So that's a good thing. ^^ Aside from a few points, such as the "so on" and "spot" parts, the tone was consistent throughout. Again, I feel a lot of writers could stand to learn from your usage of tone to augment the setting rather than contradict it.

However, style-wise...it could stand to be polished some. You tend to overuse adjectives and adverbs, a problem which I entirely sympathize with because I suffer the same problem. But remember, less is more. When you go back to edit, weigh every word and ask: is it necessary? You'll notice from the few example trimmings I did that the trimmed phrases read much easier. Watch out for unnecessary words; they're what my English teacher call "lard", and rightfully so. And keep an eye out for redundancy as well.

Sometimes, your sentences could become tortuous to read, a problem that could solved simply by cutting them in two. Varying sentence structure can work wonders for making a piece more interesting.

Lastly, POV-wise, while I liked Chen Yu's POV and could sympathize with him as a character, I feel it took a rather long time to get introduced to him. As it was, he was just suddenly shoved onto the reader ("His name was Chen Yu..."). A good main character is one with who the reader has a stake in from the very beginning of the story. If you want to keep the story in Chen Yu's POV, eliminate the little detour to Hualin, and begin the story right off the bat with Chen Yu. The only problem I can see with that is you'd lose the wonderful contrast you'd built--the image of the beautifully dancing girl who the courtiers admire, to suddenly switch to her brother who can see her dancing in only a negative light. Starting out with Chen Yu would bathe the entire story in a negative light.

There's always the other option of doing the omniscient POV thing, but I get the feeling that might defeat the point you were trying to convey. You might want to try both, if you're up to it, and see which one produces a better story. ^^

One last comment (I'm sorry, I'm getting so long-winded here...): The Emperor. The Emperor, August Son of Heaven, so on. I'd like to know more. Maybe you were keeping him intentionaly mysterious, but I find that hurts the story more than helps. Chen Yu seems to think that Hualin becoming his concubine is a bad thing, but you've given me no sign whether the Emperor is a bad man or not, so my own feelings on the issue are ambivalent. It doesn't help that you said at the beginning that he is a "great ruler". This could be fixed two ways, depending on what you want to do with the piece--if you want to keep it Chen Yu's POV, then have him give examples of the emperor's supposed...badness (sorry, can't think of a better way to phrase it) or at least describe the emperor a little more than just handsome and shiny and hungry. Particularly powerful would be examples of what's happened to the emperoer's past concubines. Perhaps they mysteriously die when they are unable to bear him sons.

From omniscient POV, you could simply give us a little bit from the Emperor's POV. Have him view Hualin with lust, or as a mere commodity, etc. It would give us insight into his character and give us deeper reason to root for Chen Yu. Especially for readers who don't have younger siblings...I was biased towards Chen Yu unfairly because I am an older sibling so I understand his feelings better. =/

Hope that (very long-winded) review helped. ^^ Have any questions, feel free to PM me. The best of luck in your endeavors!

I love it! But is it over or is there going to be more? I couldn't quite tell.

Well, thank you for reviewing and saying you liked it! There won't be any more at the moment, until I feel more comfortable with writing in a formal tone while staying away from ridiculous and unnecessary fluff. But there are little bits in my mind, involving government dealings and harem politics. Perhaps I'll get to those one day.

Hi! Sorry it took me a while to get around to this, I've not been too well recently and haven't been on YWS at all @__@;; I've not read any of the other reviews, I might mention something already brought up.

Matching each pluck of the zither, she turned in sweeping arcs, making her dress of sapphire silk slowly billow around her.

It sounds very pretty and creates nice imagery, but I think the description might be a bit much. I think the slowly billow trips me up a little too, and I get this image of someone slowly blowing up a balloon, although that may just be me.

He knew their thoughts.

But he never cared.

These little sentences seem a little out of place, and I think they'd do better if they were blended in a little, or even taken out. With the first, he says that he knows their thoughts, but then there's a bit fo a gap while we're told about Chen being a magistrate before we find out what it is that he knows, and that it's people's perceptions about his sister. Switching them around a little might make it abit easier.

The second could easily be mentioned in the sentence which follows it, about Chen wanting to protect his sister rather than having it stand alone ^_^

his whole being leaning in towards her spiraling figure; there was no way out of it now.

Replace leaning with leaned, it removed that repetitive -ing. Also should spiralling have two Ls rather than just the one?

Of course Hualin could simply stumble – just one slight misstep – and the spell would be released

This is the first time we're told her name, so when I first came across it I went back a little to try and find out who Hualin was before it clicked. It might be worth mentioning what she's called earlier, so it doesn't feel so much like it's thrown at us all of a sudden.


I have absolutely no knowledge of Chinese history, so my points are being mad without any cultural knowledge in that sense >>;;

This is a really sweet enjoyable little piece and I liked it and the characters. Chen Yu the concerned and protective older brother, and Hualin the rebellious younger sister. The only problem is that they seem a little flat, and we're left with all sorts of questions--why doesn't Hualin listen to her brother, just because she's rebellious? Do they get on well as brother and sister, or do they argue?

I have a couple of issues with the character of the Emperor as well, as he's portrayed in an entirely negative way--being cunning and manipulative may be useful in politics but they're not really seen as being very positive attributes to have in other circumstances. It sort of paints him as being the villain, but just as people aren't all good, they aren't all bad either, and I think it would be nice if there was something so round him off a little more. We don't have to like him, I think the point is that we don't, and that we despair for Hualin, but it's still possible to do that without making him completely terrible.


I really like some of the imagery in this, especially the comparison of Hualin being the plum blossom and Chen Yu the tree roots. However, I think that at time it can be a bit much and clogs up the story a little, slowing it down and keeping us from the conflict. I used to do this too (although my problem now is that I apparently don't describe enough XD), but if you go through and edit, ask yourself what can be taken away, what sounds very nice but isn't really necessary?

I think the formal tone of this sits quite well, told from the perspective of Chen Yu :D I can imagine that if it were told from Hualin's POV it would be a lot more flighty.


Anyway! sorry again that this took me a little while to get to you, but I hope I've been of help to you! If you have any questions or want me to look at something else, feel free to drop me a PM or shoot by my thread :D

Hey Octo ^^ Shina here for a review

Boyy, am I late =_= I'm really sorry. I hope to make it up to you with a really awesome review.
For a few weeks I wasn't in "reviewing mode" and I didn't want to get carpal tunnel *knocks on wood* but now I've slowed down a bit to take on my thread again xD

I. Nit Picks

Chen Yu furrowed his brows, all but entranced by his sister’s performance.

Interesting way to hook a story. However, I didn't really connect with this. The "all but" part is what confused me. Maybe starting off with how his sister entranced everyone else and then going on about this part, that way, it'd be more of a shock that he's not entranced.

But every other member of the Chinese Imperial Court latched their eyes onto her movements, unable to look away.

The word "but" takes away from this folklore type of feel. Maybe go with "However, every other..."

When the sprightly young girl had declared to the Emperor her dancing was the greatest in the land she did not exaggerate.

After your hook, your next few lines are the supporting lines, and you need to get the conflict in this story. I believe it's a short story, yes? Short stories begin in the middle of the story, and I'm still waiting to hear the conflict. So there's an emperor, his sister is a great dancer, but he's not entranced. Conflict?

Matching each pluck of the zither, she turned in sweeping arcs. In each outstretched hand she fluttered a golden fan, and they moved like butterflies around a fragrant flower. The zither player sped up, pulling at the strings in immediate succession, challenging the young dancer. Yet the girl continued undaunted, moving quicker and quicker until the soft white of her shoes peeked out from underneath her dress. The spectators cooed, speaking to one another in hushed tones.

However, you do have good imagery You seem to know a lot about this topic. Describing dance movements and music is challenging, and this would be a pass.

“Lady Hualin is the plum blossom floating in a spring breeze,” one official stated, in an attempt to gain some respect with an elegant phrase. He succeeded, as a few others made soft noises of agreement.

I can't remember about Chinese titles, but in a book I read I remember them capitalizing any titles like, -.-" Shoot, can't remember their names, but anyways, in english it would be something like "Princess of the Orange Blossom" and they'd count as titles. I'm not sure if you want "Plum Blossom Floating in a Spring Breeze" as a title, or if it's just a metaphor.

Some officials looked over at Chen Yu, and he forced himself to smile back. While Chen Yu was one of the latest scholars honored with the role of magistrate, everyone believed that his younger sister was his greatest blessing. While Hualin wore outstanding silk dresses, he kept things simple. That day he wore the stiff black robes of a magistrate, the only embroidery consisting of a rising sun over an ocean, placed square in the middle of his chest. His plainness made a stark contrast to her overwhelming allure, and people often marveled at the fact that the two were related. But he never cared about the exterior-based thoughts of these people. Chen Yu had been born into this world to protect his sister, and no other man would ever worry about her as much as he did. While everyone else was enthralled with her beauty, only he stopped to think about the consequences her recklessness wrought.

I just wrote a paragraph about your conflict and then realized that Chen Yu and the emperor were two different people O_O It kind of confused me, so maybe be a bit more detailed on Chen Yu's personality and the emperor's, or their vibes.
The conflict is something I'm unsure about. It's a bit cliche to have a brother worry for a sister, especially if you say "he was born to protect her." That's the easy way out. You need to have a better "why factor." Maybe his sister saved his life once before, and he's indebted to her?

Or maybe.... Chen Yu had another sister before and she died because he couldn't protect her and now he had to protect his new sister? That would be more understandable and less cliche.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Chen Yu gazed around, his eyes shifting from his sister to the Emperor. He wished to himself that the Son of Heaven would find his sister a pretty little trinket that only merited a few moments’ glance. But the Emperor was thoroughly captivated. His whole being leaned in towards her spiraling figure; there was no way out of it now.

More of the conflict... Is there some magic in her movement? Trance? Secret plot anywhere? I'm not too sure.

Of course Hualin could simply stumble – just one slight misstep – and the spell would be released, her freedom secured. She was talented enough to make just the right mistake, one that wouldn’t ruin her performance yet end the magic of her dance. But the girl was stubborn and flighty, always had been. And Chen Yu was the complacent older sibling— a quality many people chided him for. In the guidelines of the great philosopher Kong Fuzi, the sister obeyed the brother, and the younger complied with the older. This was the way things were meant to be. But Chen Yu could never muster the strength. Hualin certainly was like a flower traveling in the wind, beautiful and carefree, hindered by none. Chen Yu was naught more than the roots of the tree; he only watched as she soared higher, away from his homely position near the earth.

The way you're dealing with Hualin's trance abilities seems a bit, half-hearted. The reader can't tell if it's a real trance, like the two of them are executing some sort of a scheme. Why else would they perform for the emperor?

And again, Chen Yu doesn't have a good enough reason to disobey Chinese tradition and put his sister before himself. You need that why factor. I remember that China was always big on rules, and that males were always more important than females.



“

Do you not understand what risk you would be in, inside the Imperial Court? You would have to fight every day for His Majesty’s attention. Lies, manipulation, attempts at your life: meimei, do not put yourself in such danger!” He recalled his words to her back home only a few weeks ago and suppressed a sigh.

*Meimei, capitalized M.

Yet he could see no happiness in her future. The Emperor was cunning and charismatic, traits fine for dealing in politics. When Chen Yu had still been a scholar, he had hailed the Emperor as one of the Middle Kingdom’s greatest rulers, keeping peace and prosperity in the land. But as magistrate, Chen Yu had heard the rumors of harem women driven insane, screaming in the night for the Emperor’s love as they were dragged away. If Hualin managed to survive the Son of Heaven’s toying with her mind, the Empress or other concubines would get to her. Hualin was dancing not to happiness, he knew that.

It's hard to guess their ages, so you need to be more clear on that. Plus, the emperor is pretty old, isn't he? If Hualin knows about what he does to women, you have to give her a better "why factor." What would make a girl become a prisoner willingly? She can dance anywhere, but why the emperor? Happiness? How so?

The official who had made the poetic comment earlier noted, “Look, her brother sheds tears of joy. He is a new magistrate and already he is kin to the Son of Heaven. With fortune’s blessing, young Chen Yu shall soon be the uncle of the next Emperor. Continued prosperity to you, child!”

Wait, so the emperor is going to marry Hualin? I thought it was just to get a dancer. There was never anything about marriage or children. Also, crying? I know it's okay nowadays, but back then? They rarely ever cried, and if they did, only in secret or by themselves.

“Rising to the heavens, the jaws of the mighty dragon crush the dance of the plum blossom.”

Chen Yu heard the plum blossom phrase the guy used earlier?

Overall

Okay, Octo, the main problem I saw with this was lack of the "why factor." Why Chen Yu cares about his brother so much, why Hualin wants to dance for the emperor even though she knows the consequences, and such and such.

Give reasons. Chen Yu have another sister that he let down? There has to be a big reason for a man to break Chinese tradition or rules. The missing "why factor" made me feel like it was just a pretty picture. If Chen Yu cares so much about his sister, he wouldn't have let her go.

No why factor. You need that.

You're vague on a lot of things, but you have great imagery. Not everyone knows about Chinese tradition, so you need to show more of that, give them more information on that without making big info-dumps like you did about Chen Yu and Hualin's past.

Their ages, big problem. I'm thinking the emperor is old enough to have white hair and Hualin really young. I'm not sure. Ages can affect the conflict here.

Overall, you just need to get in that why factor.

PM me if you have any questions ^^

-Shina