Young Writers Society

This is unfinished, but the concept all the same is all there.



And When They Get To Heaven


And when they get to heaven,
To St Peter they will tell,
Another soldier for you sir,
I’ve served my time in hell.

The 6th of June 1944 was a choppy, overcast day on the Normandy coast. The sky pressed against the cliffs and the sea, aided by the mist and fog, as the German defenders slept in their bunkers.
Corporal Schmidt awoke early and gingerly hobbled to the gun slit in the main bunker, his left leg trailing across the floor. He took little notice of the weather or complexion of the sea. He had slept in his faded, frayed grey uniform and one of his Jack boots had worn almost through the soul. He had noticed two days earlier, but did not care. In his mind he would not need to walk to reach the place he was going to. He yawned, stretched and stumbled slightly as he was still groggy from the previous nights drinking. Like most of the others in the battalion, Schmidt had not shaved for nearly two weeks. This was not because there were no razors available, but because he had became more and more introvert the longer he spent in his bunker and thought he could hide his fear behind a mass of greasy brown facial hair. Just as he regained balance, the phone rang, it was Group Captain Lehdl. The usual small talk ensued, Lehdl commented on the weather, jokingly proclaiming his apartment in Munich would be forfeit, if the allies attacked in such unfavourable conditions.

Schmidt put the phone down to the now ingrained statement “Heil Hitler.” He turned, again looking outside. There was nothing. In his head he chuckled at the comment made by Lehdl, turning to look outside to give context to his comment. The chuckle broke into violent choking. Schmidt ducked, a delayed response to a smothering drone, becoming higher in pitch the nearer it came, the tone broke into a whistle, before violently exploding in a climax of shuddering power. It was a shell hitting the cliff below him. He scrambled across the now dust-laden floor to reach for the phone.


The weather that day was, although unfavourable, the best the allies could expect for many weeks. Waiting for another lengthy period was not an option; as keeping the largest armada the world had ever seen moored in docks on the south coast of England was a big threat to the whole operation. Secrecy was the operations key factor as the allies had spent months convincing the Germans, at great cost, that the invasion would come at the Pas-De-Calais. This was done using the O.S.S spy network, a system of double agents, false information and a phantom army at Dover consisting of inflatable, wooden and semi-camouflaged vehicles. Responsible for these essentially over-sized toys were the U.S 1st army, commanded by General Patton. The element of surprise was essential to ensure a beachhead could quickly be established and stall the enemy in bringing in reinforcements to a weakened part of the coastal defences.

DWIGHT.D.EISENHOWER: TO : W.S.CHURCHILL 5.6.1944
IT IS MY BELIEF THAT THE WEATHER IS THE BEST WE CAN HOPE TO EXPECT FOR MANY WEEKS. THE STRAIN ON THE TROOPS IS NOW BEGINNING TO BECOME UNBEARABKLE. I SAY GO.


Dearest Marie, 5.6.1944
We are now finally going to meet old Jerry. Don’t be worried about me, I’m terribly excited about the whole business actually. Anyway, cant talk about it too much, ‘eyes and ears’ and all that. Send my love to the little one and send my thanks to Mrs Latham for the chocolate, the boys found it most satisfying. I hope this finds you well and after this whole business is done with, I’ll be home before you know it.

All my love,
John

Lieutenant John Sampson nearly capsized on his approach to the beach. Whenever his body allowed him an interval from vomiting through the mixture of fear and the violent rocking of the boat, his thoughts were with his family back home. He was certain he would survive the battle and eventually return home.
He could not fathom the idea that God would deny him being a father to his son.
The sea had other ideas. He drowned after disembarking on Sword Beach. The weight of his pack and rifle took him under. He never did meet old Jerry.

* * *

Schmidt, expected to see the allies cantering across the sand, flags abreast, screaming CHARGE!! Instead, he saw most were screaming for their mothers as their innards hung loose next to them. The rest hid behind anti-tank girders. Schmidt felt a satisfaction when he pulled the trigger of the MG42, it was not a sadistic satisfaction, just a relief that he had lessened the odds of him receiving one in the backside.

The day I meet Jerry,
Sternly I will say,
Where were you?
At the turkey shoot?
Were your friends blown away?

DWIGHT.D.EISENHOWER: TO: W.SCHURCHILL 6.6.1944
GOLD,JUNO,SWORD,UTAH BEACH ALL ON SCHEDULE.OMAHA BEACH SUFFERING HEAVY CASUALTIES.STERN RESISTANCE. STEADY PROGRESS.

All but Omaha beach were now secure, Omaha was now saturated in every imaginable way. Blood, innards, smoke and the smell of death hugged every combatants throats, choking the wounded as they held their legs, arms, intestines, all removed from their bodies without prejudice.
Schmidt was now dead; he had been assigned to a howitzer and, because of its continuous use, the heat had expanded and contracted the structure of the tubing, setting off the loaded shell, the cache around it and vapourising all nine crew. The explosion was greeted with screams of sarcasm by one advancing soldier: “Did the bastards not know the shells go in the mortar, not up their arses!!” A Mulberry harbour neared completion around the beaches, allowing ships to moor against them and pound the bunkers, giving the advancing troops to establish a beachhead.

DWIGHT.D.EISENHOWER: TO : W.S.CHURCHILL 6.6.1944
OPERATION COMPLETE.BEACHHEAD ESTABLISHED.GERMAN ARMY IN RETREAT.BY GOD WE’VE DONE IT.

Today I met Jerry,
That question I did say,
His eyes were there,
But soul was bare,
I saluted anyway.

Nitpicks/General things to point out:

Shaker-maker wrote:And when they get to heaven,
To St Peter they will tell,
Another soldier for you sir,
I’ve served my time in hell.

Is this like a poem or a lyric or something? I would italicize it.

Shaker-maker wrote:He had slept in his faded, frayed, grey uniform and one of his Jack boots had worn almost through the soul. (sole)

Shaker-maker wrote:He had noticed two days earlier, but did not care. In his mind he would not need to walk to reach the place he was going to.

I would rephrase this so these two sentences are together. Something like: 'He had noticed this two days earlier, but he didn't care, he wouldn't need to walk much to get where he was going.'
Where is he going?

Shaker-maker wrote:The element of surprise was essential to ensure a beachhead could quickly be established and stall the enemy in bringing in reinforcements to a weakened part of the coastal defences. (defenses)

Shaker-maker wrote: BEGINNING TO BECOME UNBEARABKLE. I SAY GO.

'Unbearabkle'? Did you mean 'unbreakable' or 'unbearable'?

Shaker-maker wrote:The sea had other ideas. He drowned after disembarking on Sword Beach. The weight of his pack and rifle took him under. He never did meet old Jerry.

I didn't like this. We just meet him, are already kind of rooting for him and then he just dies. Plus, your telling us he dies, not showing us. I think it would have more of an impact if you show the scene when he dies.
Also, what is the significance of not meeting Jerry?

Shaker-maker wrote:The day I meet Jerry,
Sternly I will say,
Where were you?
At the turkey shoot?
Were your friends blown away?

I like this. But I think it should be in italics.

Shaker-maker wrote:Today I met Jerry,
That question I did say,
His eyes were there,
But soul was bare,
I saluted anyway.

Again, I think this should be in italics.

This was kind of hard for me to follow. There were so many characters, I didn't feel I knew any of them and I didn't feel connected to any of them.
I liked that you showed both sides but sometimes the transaction was a little hard to follow. Like when you switched from one side to the other.
This is a hard topic to write about because so much happened that day. I think if maybe you focused on one or two people, their past, leading up to d-day, and then finally d-day, it will have a lot bigger of an impact.
Nice start!

-Carly

I double posted. Whoops.

Hey there!
I am Incognito and I am going to review your work today.
It intrigued me that it was on D-Day, or known as Operation Overlord. xD
I always get a kick out of that name. I did a project on it, and I just thought it would be interesting to read about it from another persons eyes.
Well let us begin.

I. Nit-Picking

First off, don't mind if I repeat any nit-picks that were already said. I tend to do that, but it is for my own notes that I do so.

And when they get to heaven,
To St Peter they will tell,
Another soldier for you sir,
I’ve served my time in hell.

I love how your start with that fraction from a poem. It has a great affect, it is the same way with using quotes. Though one thing though, I swear I have heard that poem from somewhere before and it is driving me crazy. Mind telling what the poem is called?

Also, one thing though, when you use another persons work, whether is is a quote in your story you have to cite where it is from and who it is by. ;3

Another thing is that I believe you should put it in italics.

The 6th of June 1944 was a choppy, overcast day on the Normandy coast. The sky pressed against the cliffs and the sea, aided by the mist and fog, as the German defenders slept in their bunkers.

This may seem unbearably nit-pickey, but if it was day, they would have been awake. Especially if they were defending, because they would be worrisome that they would be attacked. Not all the defenders would be sleeping because they would be taking shifts of being away, night or day. Also, the actual operation of D-Day started just before the sun rose. How can you tell what kind of day it would actually be if it was really early morning. You might want to describe the light just barely rising through the night or something. Be specific because with Historical Fiction, you have to know your facts.

Corporal Schmidt awoke early and gingerly hobbled to the gun slit in the main bunker, his left leg trailing across the floor.

Germans don't have the same rank as us. Their ranks are all mess up. What would actually be equivalent to a Corporal in the German army would be a lower rank of Gefreiter.

He had slept in his faded, frayed grey uniform and one of his Jack boots had worn almost through the soul.

First things first is that I understand that he would sleep in his uniform, but the boot information is irrelevant. His sleeping wouldn't have made his boot worn almost to the sole.

Secondly 'soul' should actually be 'sole'.

In his mind he would not need to walk to reach the place he was going to.

You need a comma after 'mind'.

the previous nights drinking.

'nights' should be 'night's. Remember you need that apostrophe when it is supposed to be possessive.

Like most of the others in the battalion, Schmidt had not shaved for nearly two weeks. This was not because there were no razors available, but because he had became more and more introvert the longer he spent in his bunker and thought he could hide his fear behind a mass of greasy brown facial hair.

I am not quite sure if it is the same with the army, but I know for sure that the army in Canada and the States forces you to shave. All those movies you see with people having facial hair, well they lied. The only time the have facial hair is when they have been fighting for long enough. They are forced to shave if they have time, other wise they can be charged. My brother actually got charged for not shaving. : /

Otherwise, I like how you did this. It gives the true realization of the army and how terrified even the slightly higher ranks are.

if the allies attacked in such unfavourable conditions

'Allies' should be capitalized.

He turned, again looking outside. There was nothing.

There was nothing? You have be specific with writing, be as soon as I read that I suddenly thought that the world had all disappeared, eaten by the monsters by Stephen King, the Langoliers. There was a perfect time to even get in a bit of the setting also. Describe the beaches of Normandy, the rough waves of the ocean, the drone of the wind against the cliffs, the outlines of trenches and tank stoppers. Maybe even mention the deadly mines buried deep beneath the sand dunes. Obviously, there was nothing.

turning to look outside to give context to his comment.

When did he turn around again? There is another chance where you can describe a bit of the interior.

The chuckle broke into violent choking. Schmidt ducked, a delayed response to a smothering drone, becoming higher in pitch the nearer it came, the tone broke into a whistle, before violently exploding in a climax of shuddering power. It was a shell hitting the cliff below him. He scrambled across the now dust-laden floor to reach for the phone.

My only question is what was the shell from, a plane or a boat? If it was a plane, you could describe the familiar drone of the plane, and if it was one of the Allied ships then describe that he saw it. Be specific.

Another thing that I would have thought I would pick up on before. They wouldn't use phones because the lines are so easy to tap, they would use radio even though those are accessible, but it is harder to find the right radio section they are talking through for the Allies.

The weather that day was, although unfavourable, the best the allies could expect for many weeks. Waiting for another lengthy period was not an option; as keeping the largest armada the world had ever seen moored in docks on the south coast of England was a big threat to the whole operation. Secrecy was the operations key factor as the allies had spent months convincing the Germans, at great cost, that the invasion would come at the Pas-De-Calais. This was done using the O.S.S spy network, a system of double agents, false information and a phantom army at Dover consisting of inflatable, wooden and semi-camouflaged vehicles. Responsible for these essentially over-sized toys were the U.S 1st army, commanded by General Patton. The element of surprise was essential to ensure a beachhead could quickly be established and stall the enemy in bringing in reinforcements to a weakened part of the coastal defences.

This is all fine and dandy for sure, but the only problem was that you were with the Germans and then all of the sudden you were talking about all the secrets from the Allies on how they were tricking them to think that they were actually attacking the other place which name is avoiding me right now. You have to make sure the transition from both sides were switched up. I also think that what you should have done was give some of the German insights of the inflatable paratroopers in the other place was, and the exclusive bombing on the other place also. Describe the confusion that the Germans were feeling.

Then you need to make the transition clear, maybe the weird star thingies to declare a break.

Another thing was that this is a lot of info dumping. That is why I suggested the German idea. You have to make sure that you don't bombard the reader with dates and facts because you don't want it to seem like a history lesson. Just blend the information over time through out your piece.

DWIGHT.D.EISENHOWER: TO : W.S.CHURCHILL 5.6.1944
IT IS MY BELIEF THAT THE WEATHER IS THE BEST WE CAN HOPE TO EXPECT FOR MANY WEEKS. THE STRAIN ON THE TROOPS IS NOW BEGINNING TO BECOME UNBEARABKLE. I SAY GO.

First off, my only thought was I know that Dwight D. Eisenhower and W. S. Churchill were incharge, but the telegram would be sent most likely to both of them, and would be sent by one of the higher ups who were about to fight. My only thought for that was because of the actual content.

Another thing was the 'unbearakble'. Is this supposed to be Unbearable, or Unbreakable?

Dearest Marie, 5.6.1944
We are now finally going to meet old Jerry. Don’t be worried about me, I’m terribly excited about the whole business actually. Anyway, cant talk about it too much, ‘eyes and ears’ and all that. Send my love to the little one and send my thanks to Mrs Latham for the chocolate, the boys found it most satisfying. I hope this finds you well and after this whole business is done with, I’ll be home before you know it.

All my love,
John

Make sure there transition is also clear again.

Now this is obviously a letter, and in the next part it seems that the writer of the letter is speaking, but you have to make sure that he signs his last name also, because they usually do so with a letter.

Lieutenant John Sampson nearly capsized on his approach to the beach. Whenever his body allowed him an interval from vomiting through the mixture of fear and the violent rocking of the boat, his thoughts were with his family back home. He was certain he would survive the battle and eventually return home.
He could not fathom the idea that God would deny him being a father to his son.
The sea had other ideas. He drowned after disembarking on Sword Beach. The weight of his pack and rifle took him under. He never did meet old Jerry.

Now this is incredibly affecting to the reader. You did well with this, though who old Jerry is, you need to make clear. Make sure the transition between the letter and this part is known and also, I believe you should put the letter into italics.

* * *

Schmidt, expected to see the allies cantering across the sand, flags abreast, screaming CHARGE!!

Do not use all caps and over punctuation in writing. It is horrendous for some readers.

Now also, why would they be carrying flags? And another thing was, they charging forward, afraid yet, but their courage was unbelievable. Not all of them would have given up so easily. This is probably the view of Schmidt but again, you have to make sure that the other side is known two.

Instead, he saw most were screaming for their mothers as their innards hung loose next to them.

That is again false. The conditions were not that bad. That is only for movies. People were blown apart, but not most of them were like that. If most of them were like that, they would definitely not have won. To think that that had actually happened. You might also want to mention the medics who would have been scurrying around, the red cross emblazoned on their left arm, because those guys to would have been there trying to help out the people who has so called gotten their innards blown out.

]The rest hid behind anti-tank girders.

Some were hiding their, but they were also hiding behind the amphibious tanks, and in crevices, others made it to the trenches, and others just blindly charged forward. You generalize when it shouldn't have been.

The day I meet Jerry,
Sternly I will say,
Where were you?
At the turkey shoot?
Were your friends blown away?

Make sure the break is again known, and this should be in italics because again it moderately is a poem.

“Did the bastards not know the shells go in the mortar, not up their arses!!”

Over punctuation is a no-no.

A Mulberry harbour neared completion around the beaches, allowing ships to moor against them and pound the bunkers, giving the advancing troops to establish a beachhead.

The ships would have been able to pound the bunkers anyways, The reason why they needed a harbour up was so that the reinforcements could arrive and the more essentials could be dropped off. One thing you also seem to have no mentioned was the airforce and the rounds they let off. The airforce was essential for cover fire in this battle.

Today I met Jerry,
That question I did say,
His eyes were there,
But soul was bare,
I saluted anyway.

I like this ending fairly, but the thing, I still don't know who Jerry is. You should italic it anyways.

II. Grammar and Punctuation

You have fairly good grammar and punctuation, most of it was simple errors that could have been picked up if you read through it a couple more times. I do recommend proof reading your work slowly and at least five times. That way you can pick up the misolaced commas and the over punctuation, and the simple spelling mistakes. Spell check also, that is quite a dandy thing to use also.

III. Characterization

Now there isn't much for me to say here because it doesn't seem that you really had any main characters that had any special traits. My one thought though was Schimdt because after all he was in the story from the beginning to end and in the beginning you said something that intriguied me.

Apparently, he was limping of some sort in the beginning because of his leg, and I have a question about that. What was wrong with his leg? The lesson here is that you have to give an explanation for everything you say in writing or else the reader will ultimately miss something and that isn't good.

Remember to make your characters believable and realistic so that the reader could connect with them. There wasn't much for me to say about your characters. There was nothing special about them other then the dead guy John was slightly optimistic. Make them unique, after all we are all different, and that should reflect in writing.

You also need to know the ranks, and what is to be demanded from them. I don't thing Eisenhower would be sending battle stats to Winston. It would be someone high in command, but not that high for sure. Know your stuff about the ranks and guns and forth. Research if needed.

IV. Writing Format

You have great writing, that is for sure, though you could add a bit more detail here and there. Make sure you add breaks in between the different parts to prevent confusion which is quite common in a piece like this. One thing I want you to work on is adding more description into the setting and the actions. verything you said was breif, and I barely got an inisght to the actual look of the beaches. Describe everything to detail, but you have to be careful not to info dump or else the reader will lose interest. Reflect the setting through actions and describing of the actions.

Another thing was that info dumping seemed to be common. You have to drag things out a bit, spread it out so that the reader does not get bombarded with all this information. That is not enjoyable at all, and no matter how detailed your explainations are, the reader will still get a bad impression of the piece. The main part was the info dumping of the Diversions from the Allies. You should spread that all out, maybe have the Germans explain it, or a conversation take place with Eisenhower and Churchill.

You have great writing, just get into the descriptions more, and i am sure your piece will be fantastic.

V. Overall

Now this is the part where I can actually rant on the facts. I think your story would be more sound if it was put in a more logic order. Like you have the letter and the telegram labeled for the 5th of June. I think those should be in the beginning. Then have the part with Schimdt looking out the window and have your detailed explanation somewhere there or before it. Then you can have your poem thing. Just be creative and be smart about it. It would make it seem a lot more smart and thought out, not just random rambling.

Another part I want to make sure you know is that on D-Day, even after they succeeded, they were still pushing farther and farther into Normandy. The Operation wasn't over. It was Juno beach which made it the farthest made out of mostly the 3rd Division from Canada. In your story, I think you should have included stories from the people in the airplanes shooting down, people on the boats, the amphibious tanks, stories from all the different beaches. Spread your knowledge. It is obvious that you know most about Omaha beach and their struggles. It was Omaha which was mostly known fighting because of the dominance of the American influence on the beach. Omaha had the most casualties, Juno the most successful, and the other beaches in between.

So make sure you research the topic thoroughly before writing about it because you might just missed something. Your writing is great, the story has a great idea, and seems fairly well thought out, but just fix up thouse few parts.

I would love to read more of your writing, PM me if you have any more on these particular events. I would love to read them.
~Incognito