Young Writers Society

Thank you to all who reviewed this peice for me. It's been a while since I've been on YWS, and even longer since I've written anything.

All the constructive criticism helped, and although I'm trying to dedicate my time to my current work in progress, Beth, Margaret, and Henry have joined the other characters in my head, scolding me for putting them off so long. I'll try to do some more research on Paris in the 19th century. I've always marveled at the romance of that time period.

So once again, thank you for all your comments. You've sent my characters back to me. '
-youreit

Hi, PenNPaper here.

This story was well written, I was just hooked to the end(I feel like reading it again)

Henry, I can’t

If the MC was Henry's servant or maid, she should be addressing him as 'Sir'.

I fell into him completely

Maybe you were trying to say, 'I fell for him completely'?

I played with a strand of my hair, stalling.

It would probably sound not as weird if you said 'stalling for time'.

“I don’t let liars work for me.” His tone of voice became graver.

Punctuation, it should be a comma instead of a period before the second inverted comma.

Just 3 hours ago

Spell 3 out please.

Well, that's all for the mistakes, keep writing and good luck, Ciao~

Hi! I loved it but it needs much description into the lives of the characters, but I think that the idea was marvelous and I believe you should write more! PM when you post more please.

I would love to read the story if you give a rating to it.Please!!!!!!!!!

Ok. so I've got a lot of little nitpicks. Well a couple big ones at least. I really felt like you rushed through this story. I think you were just to eager to get to the meat of it and I think you need to slow down and explain things. Perhaps you can dvelop the relationship between you three characters. I have no clue how the maid related to Margerat before Henry took her so I don't know if it's unusual that she was yelling at her and then befriending her. also i had issues with the way she just decided that life was good. I don't know about you but if I was fifteen and pregnant I would be freaking out weather I lived the coushiest life or the roughest. Period. Another thing is if you could develop the marriage between Henry and Margerat beacuse sometimes it seems as if Henry is dominant and other times it seems Margerat is so if you could make that a little more clear, that would be good. One last thing I think your timeline is a bit screwy. I think you need a little longer then three weeks to tell if your pregnant. Other then that great story. Keep writing.


~Shine

I loved the idea of the story. It was very sad, yet sweet. However, I want to see a bit more of Margaret's transition from being cold to the narrator to becoming merciful. Also, add a bit of detail on how the narrator falls for Henry.
Other than that, keep writing!

Hi youreit!

Hopefully you won't find this too repetitive. I just skimmed a couple of the reviews above, so I'm not sure what all has or has not been said, but here are my suggestions:

1) Slow down! No big rush. You have a good concept for a story here, but you seem like you're just in a massive rush to tell it rightthisverysecond, and there's just no reason for it.

2) Use your setting to your advantage. 19th Century France? Um... awesome? I think so. Take the time to do some research and throw in a few cool details. What are they wearing? What's it like on a day-to-day basis? What do they eat? What do they use to clean? What's going on in the world? Setting a story in Paris in the 1800's and then only mentioning the Eiffel Tower is such a waste of a great idea.

3) Develop those characters. Right now the most interesting character to me is Margaret; I'll bet she's got a killer back story. Don't be in such a hurry to tell the story right away. Give us some time to get to know these people that you've introduced. Let us like and trust Henry a little before he forces himself on Beth; we'll feel her fear and betrayal much more poignantly that way.

I like the concept you've set up here, but you've got to work on the presentation. Really look over the comments above and try to apply them; it looks like you've already gotten a lot of good advice. Please don't hesitate to ask me if you have any more questions. Good luck!