Young Writers Society

The earth had not stopped shaking for a week. You couldn’t hear or see the guns firing, but by Heaven you could see the result. Over 1500 artillery pieces bringing down the full wrath of the Allies upon the German hordes. No mortal men could take those blows and stay standing. They had been assured.

He stood in the foul, muddy trench, his feet soaking, his body freezing. Even the rum could not block out the cold. He watched the sun creep into the morning sky, in its great glory. A whole galaxy of stars and planets, more than grains of sand on the beach, and here on small, puny Earth, the humans were fighting. Why? What did the insignificant troubles of the humans matter? Who did this madness help? The noise of the guns faded further into the horizon.

The first wave of men stepped up to the parapet. Their bayonets were fixed. Steely resolve in their eyes, surpassing the metal of their weapons. Did they want to fight? No. Would they fight? To the last man. A single, solitary note filled the air. Joined by another, and another. They clambered out of the trenches, walking towards their glory. The first great day of Kitchener’s new army.

But he did not go. He stood waiting in the second wave. Waiting for the triumphant calls of his friends, the surrender of the enemy.

A rifle cracked, and a cry rose up. A man had fallen. Then again. The whole orchestra was going to join in. The machine guns opened fire, and the roar of their artillery filled his ears.

When he was young, he had gone to a concert in Munich. They had played Mozart, and it was beautiful. How could the same people have conducted this? This was not angelic. It was the inferno, illuminated with the screams of dying friends.

He could not do it. Could not climb the mountain ahead of him. They were about to sound the note again. His eyes grew wide; he turned his back on his dying friends. He ran. He ran so fast, so far. Away from the horror and the noise.

They did not follow him. He would be dealt with later. After the victory. They rose up, over the top to meet the foe. But he hid. In the darkness, and the damp. The noise was still there, though. The screaming was terrible now. Those alive now envied the dead and blackened corpses of their friends. The misery of the world had crowded into that one place, smothering it in despair. All hope was crushed, all love extinguished, while the flames of Hell licked higher.

He remembered the faces, the names, the lives of the people out there dying for their country. But that wasn’t what they were dying for. It was for there friends. He had let them fall into the abyss.

The rum hadn’t helped; but the fires of the damned dried his soaking feet, and warmed his chilled body. He lifted his head high. Ran back to join those poor, brave sods. The honour was not dying for your country or for glory, but for falling with these ordinary men, marching towards the Devil himself.

The third wave was stepping up onto the parapet. He joined them, picking up his discarded rifle. No one spoke. This was their last safe moment on Earth, and before meeting Beelzebub, they said goodbye to God.

It felt like the war would be over soon. The wait was eternal. Perhaps the notes they would hear would be the victory songs? But it was not to be. The whistles sounded. They went towards the enemy, and he was among them. He looked at the sun longingly for a moment, and marched onwards with his company.

I loved your description, and the character's thoughts. The only thing that's wrong is some grammar mistakes. Great job!

I do like the setting of WW1 trenches. From what I've seen in movies and read, it was a terrible place to be. What I don't like so much, is the way you show them. It doesn't feel very grounded in reality. It would be more interesting and emotional reading about the bombs going off, and the shrapnel and the bullets, rather than his musings about Mozart and comparisons to hell.

There is also a lot of purple prose here, such as this:

This was their last safe moment on Earth, and before meeting Beelzebub, they said goodbye to God.

Greater impact if you just say, they knew they were going to die. It's far more direct.

The theme is also overemphasized. It's good if a story has an underlying meaning, or is thought provoking. What isn't good is if it's forced down the reader's throat or bluntly stated, such as here:

A whole galaxy of stars and planets, more than grains of sand on the beach, and here on small, puny Earth, the humans were fighting. Why? What did the insignificant troubles of the humans matter? Who did this madness help?

In a nutshell, you've been direct with the theme, and subtle with the plot. What you need to do is reverse that.

Any questions? Just PM me.

I agree with the hippie dude. War trenches and battlefields aren't the most appetizing settings to start a story with. I don't mind a war scene later on in a book when you've established the character and the plot (thus establishing the reason for war in the first place). That way it can be the peak of your story when your well-loved character charges into battle with his friends by his side. That's what really keeps an audience reading.

But great imagery. I could really feel the atmosphere because you didn't just describe what you were seeing, but also the cries of war and hiding in darkness and the damp. And I also loved your vigilance in describing the character's thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure if this is part of a book or something, but overall, don't focus too much on fighting if you want a good story.

Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer for today.

MC: I couldn't really peg your MC down. The constant use of "he" make it hard for me to understand who the MC was and who other characters were. I can see why you want to use only pronouns: by removing names, it can be for any person. There is almost a lack of side to this, but I believe it's leaning towards the Germans? Either way, I don't like how vague the prose is. Switch to first person if you really want to avoid a name. It makes it easier for the reader to identify the MC.

Message: I dislike how strong you put war as evil in this whole work. You're writing a story, not giving your world views. It's all well and good to stick this message in your work. Just make a reason for those messages to be put in. Right now, you don't really have a reason. You're just telling us this from an omniscient viewpoint. Should this be in first person, we would get characterization from all these messages and it would be extremely moving. But, as of now, I couldn't connect.

Pace: I was rather lost through this. You move from lining up for the army, not wanting to be in the army, running from the army, then rejoining it, in all of twelve paragraphs. Slow down. Spend at least three paragraphs on each of these major events, putting in MC feelings, current situation, on top of all this rather nice imagery. Even though the imagery gives us some of the MC's thoughts and feelings, I don't think it's enough to slow down this really fast pace. What you have here is a pretty good outline for a multiple-part story, not a short story like it is now.

Overall: I found this a bit preachy for my tastes. As I said the past was a bit fast, and I found myself lost. I think this would be beautiful should the MC be brought more into the story, maybe changing it to first person, but right now I'm not enjoying how vague this prose is.

PM me with questions!

~Rosey

I really love stories, short or long, about wars. This, however, was different than most that I have read because it didn't really get the horror of it all across.

I get the moral you are trying to show here, but you put it too bluntly.

LawsonJ wrote:Why? What did the insignificant troubles of the humans matter? Who did this madness help? The noise of the guns faded further into the horizon.

Part of hooking the reader is to subtly hint at it, give them just little bits at a time, so that they want to continue reading to get the whole picture.

Other than that, I just saw a few grammatical errors.

Keep at it!

Hi, I think you're a great writer. And will most likely keep your readers spell bound. I don't think I can really complain about your grammar because I'm also still learning.

There was this sentence though that I think was a bit unnecessary

"A whole galaxy of stars and planets, more than grains of sand on the beach, and here on small, puny Earth, the humans were fighting"

I mean for me it sort of made your work lose some of its appeal. I think it will have been a bit nicer though if you had just focused on the war. Even though I can't say I don't understand your injecting the "universe" comparism. I think it was a bit unnecessary.

Again really good work.