Young Writers Society

Robert is my boyfriend, he’s in Germany right now.

I was proud of my friend for serving in Germany, without getting killed.

It was uncomfortable to be there, most of the men and women there were married or had a date.

Robert is my sweetheart, he’s in Germany right now.

Within 5 minutes of me messing with my hair

and then there was no one at all. Only darkness and the sound of music slowly fading away.

Hello there! I'm Ben, love the story! Here's just a note of my thoughts and improvements...

DeadEndsAreOptional wrote:
Chapter One: Marcella Hanes

The orchestra played their enchanting melodies. Love the opening, you've set the scene simply and kept it mysterious - by this I mean we have to read on to find out more about where we are, which is good! Wilmer and Francine sat next to me at a table covered with a white cloth. We were there at the 5(five) star restaurant to watch Louis receive his medal of honor. Louis deployed back in the states just a month ago. I was proud of my friend for serving in Germany,Take out comma so this sentence reads better without getting killed. Brilliant and engaging start!
I wore a beautiful red satin dress, with the necklace Robert gave me. Robert is my sweetheart, this doesn't read right, try 'Robert is my sweetheart, but/yet he's in Germany right now.' The but or yet can make the sentence read better! he’s in Germany right now. I think he would of come to the ceremony if he could and he probably would of told Louis how proud he was. Like how you're tying in a background story, you're showing and not telling which is fabulous!
It was uncomfortable to be there, most of the men and women there were married or had a date. I had neither. I was going start talking with Wilmer and Francine, but they were talking about personal bills to pay. So, I played with my golden hair and waited for the speaker to start speaking. Perfect.
Within 5 minutes Get rid of the 5, so it becomes: 'Within minutes' - this reads better of me messing with my hair, a person on the kitchen staff came out with some appetizers. The appetizers were an uncooked fish, wrapped in seaweed and seasoned. I didn’t risk trying them. The orchestra started a new song, it sounded like Beethoven’s fifth symphony.
Francine kicked my leg under the table, her head moved to the right. The speaker was starting his speech. Lovely writing.
“As all of you know, we are all get rid of the all, otherwise it sounds repeated so say: "As all of you know, we are here tonight" - reads better here tonight to watch and encourage these young men who served.” the man said. “I’m here to give the awards that do you mean 'to' and not 'that'? all these men deserve. And the first medal goes to a Louis Matthews, who did an outstanding job!” Everyone clapped as Louis got up from his seat at our table and walked to the stage. The speaker pinned a medal to Louis’ uniform. I smiled and clapped, Louis looked so happy. As the speaker started talking again, Louis went to the left of the stage and stayed standing. He was smiling. Love it!
Someone tapped me gently on my shoulder, I looked behind me expecting Robert standing there. Trying to surprise me. But it wasn’t, it was a different man in a uniform.
“Miss Marcella Hanes?” he whispered, I nodded. It was odd hearing my real name. “May I have a word with you?” I nodded again. Good, you've made the dialogue work very well, it seems natural and not wooden, which is excellent Everyone laughed, the main speaker had said a joke. “Follow me.” the man who tapped my shoulder said. I got up from my seat and followed the man to the doorway of the main room at the restaurant. This is good. You're keeping the atmosphere and tension going at the same time - fab. He took a few steps out of the doorway, “I’m afraid I have some bad news.” Oh no… “This was his dying wish… well one…” Go on, please… “Mr. Robert Franks (Love the name 'Franks'!) past in this context, isn't it 'passed'? away in the line of duty on the 8th day of August.” Today is the 20th of August. “He wanted me to tell you in person.” My lips trembled, I fought back tears. “I’m George, Robert’s friend … he wanted you to have this. He was going to give it to you when he came back, but…” He handed me a case, I opened it slowly. My fingers shook when I saw what was in the box. I covered my mouth with surprise, I looked at the shining diamond engagement ring. A stray tear fell down my cheek, then all my tears came rolling down. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” George whispered. Flawless emotion and character, very well done.
All I remember next was seeing the ground coming alarmingly close to my face, Francine gasping, people running toward me, large hands grabbed my arm flipping me over, and then there was no one at all. Only darkness and the sound of music slowly fading away.What a way to end the great piece you've written, brilliant!