Young Writers Society

This was a creative writing assignment I did for English, so it's not that exciting. I was supposed to write as if I were a centurion that was supposed to quell the riot in Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar", after the part where Mark Antony makes his speech.

The following is the military report of Decius Curtius, centurion of the third cohort of the Fifth Legion in the mighty Army of Rome, on the night of the murder of Julius Caesar. The crowd was seemingly riotous when noble Brutus ascended the stage, so I saw it fit to dispatch a small portion of my men into the crowd. Their presence, though enough to keep the crowd from rioting before noble Brutus could speak, were not necessary, it seems. Noble Brutus' speech won the attention and admiration of the fickle crowd, so much so that they were ready to crown him the new Caesar right then and there, but noble Brutus declined. Instead he wished them to listen to Mark Antony, who came up from among the throng bearing the marred body of the late Julius Caesar himself. It was the that my men were called into action.
Antony's speech had a drastic effect upon the plebeians. At first they would hear no ill of Brutus, and I had men stationed close by were Antony foolish enough to do so. Crafty Antony, however, with tricky words and manner, won the crowd and induced them to rioting. I, of course, dispatched my troops to quell the riot, but not before poor Cinna, the poet, was torn apart by the frenzied mob. I apologize also for the loss of two of my peace-keepers. My men could not, unfortunately, subdue the angry crowd before noble Brutus and Cassius, his brother (equally noble) were driven from the streets of Rome.

on the night of the murder of Julius Caesar.

Put a paragraph break after this, and do a : instead of a period. Also, I just read Julius Caesar, and I think they made their speeches during the day, not night.

were not necessary, it seems.

It should be was, not were.

Instead he

Comma after instead.

It was the that my men were called into action.

Didn't you just say that they were already guarding Brutus in case the Plebeians attacked?

effect upon the plebeians.

You might want to explain who the plebeians are, or at least use that name for them earlier.

I had men stationed close by were Antony foolish enough to do so

Comma after were.

induced them to rioting

Did he really try to make them riot? It didn't seem like he really induced them, I dunno, it just seems funky.

not before poor Cinna, the poet, was torn apart by the frenzied mob

It doesn't seem like this small detail would be mentioned in a military report. Also, you may want to explain why they killed Cinna, if you choose to keep this detail.

noble Brutus and Cassius, his brother (equally noble)

Huh? Brutus and Cassius aren't brothers!!! And if you want to say "equally noble", then don't call Brutus 'noble Brutus' in this sentence.

This was written very well, but was awfully dry. I know this is a school assignment, but unless it was supposed to be dry, you should add more, I dunno, Oooomph to it? Haha, that sounds so retarded.

-Lena.

Sorry, but Brutus and Cassius were brothers. It says so in the play. Actually, they were half-brothers (Cassius was married to Brutus's sister) but in Rome that was pretty much the same thing.

blackpencil wrote:Sorry, but Brutus and Cassius were brothers. It says so in the play. Actually, they were half-brothers (Cassius was married to Brutus's sister) but in Rome that was pretty much the same thing.

That does not make them half-brothers; it makes them brothers-in-law. Just sayin'.
Although you are right (semi) about the brother thing, realise that the play Julius Caesar often deviates from the historical occurences.
I was just wondering -- is this story supposed to be for school for the play, or for historical accuracy?

Good luck and happy editing,
Antigone

Oops, yeah good point.
And It's for the play, unfortunately...