Young Writers Society

Amanda wrote:
Omission

Ice and sun together,Personally this reads better with a semi-colon/full stop than a comma their(do you mean 'they' and not their?) melt the colour of his pleading I like this - very engaging. The man behind the glass was looking into the eyes of a man 30 spell out numbers. Write 'thirty' not '30'. years dead. 18 Again, same problem years old with a gun in his hands, the melting eyes meant something he did not understand Read over this and check your fluency, it seems a little hard to follow. Now they meant everything. Christy Harkin killed a man, married the dead man's sister and on the other side of the glass was the result. The same damn eyes. I like the mystery of this. Just be careful not to info-dump - don't worry I have the same problem! Make sure you're showing the reader and not telling them.

The woman sat with her arms folded, suddenly casting her gaze downward. So this is my father, she seemed to say, though she remained silent. You've kept the mystery going, but I find I have to re-read some sections because there isn't the right flow here. Perhaps revise this?

"I don't know what you're looking for," Christy said, looking down at his hands. For just a second he still saw the flash of metal, heard the blast, and he jolted in his chair. The woman looked up. Plot development here is good and you're showing us which is excellent.

"I want to know why you're here," she ventured, resting her chin in her hand. Her fingers wandered the contours of her jaw - I like this. "I'm not looking for apologies."

"Then I will keep them to myself," Christy responded.

"Very well, daddy." She leaned forward and drove her melting eyes into him. "Why did you kill my uncle?" It's starting to make more sense now so it's more enjoyable to read. However, make sure you revise the start so you don't lose your readers with hard-to-follow infodumps and reverting back to plot.


***


Tonight was the night for rain. Wash it all away. Christy's hands shook on the steering wheel. Rain pattered against the windscreen and he was distracted by the back and forth, back and forth of the wipers. Away now, away. Oo, the mystery of everything's so dense because you've shown the character's emotions but in a kind of psychiatric way which is very interesting. - And a little scary!

"Damn it, Christy! Watch the road!" shouted Cal as the left wheel of the car veered into the surrounding bog. Good character introduction and dialogue structure. There was a thump in the trunk and Christy was brought back to the present, where he was driving as far out into the bog land as the road would lead, all credit given to the thump in the trunk himself. Charlie Spencer.Make this a comma and not a full stop. So it reads "Charlie Spencer, Englishman." To some this is a grammar fragment, but I feel it reads better... Englishman. He patrolled the area around Culmore and despite the fact that he would be replaced, the message sent after his murder would be unmistakable. The IRA was strong. I like the plot development, but again try not to lose the plot on info dumps. Show us.

There's a jump in the story here, which sometimes effects fluency. Before he knew it, he and Cal were leading the way through the bog, Charlie with his hands bound behind, and behind Charlie was Joe and Pascal. Christy's legs were freezing. The bog was frozen over and crunched beneath their feet. The sun might have betrayed the (flecks of purple heather splayed across these valleys but all was drenched in the oil spill of October night) - Revise for vocabulary use, make sure most of your readers can understand what you've written.

Charlie Spencer was silent as he tread [trod] Since you're using past tense each step of his death march.

"Here," declared Cal, and obediently, Christy, Joe, Pascal and Charlie came to a halt. "This is the spot. Christy, son, it's your turn to learn what happens to men who get in the way of Irish freedom. This is for you." Cal handed Christy a pistol. The coolness of the gun metal burned 'burnt' (again you need to use the correct tense) and remember a space between gun & metal his hand.

A burst of light came from Pascal's torch. "If you would kneel, please," he said to the shivering Englishman. As the light fell across his face Christy saw the colour in his eyes. Sun and ice, melting. This is good as you've related it to your beginning. He Why have you put the "He" in italics? Revise use of formatting if you're going to use it seemed to be melting beneath the light, his body quaking but saying nothing. He fell to his knees and gave Christy a solitary nod. Do it This is a better use of italic formatting - gripping plot development now, but try and make things about your character and atmosphere more clear. Show us and don't tell us. Try extending this piece and re-posting an edited version.

Christy faltered. Mist was rising from Charlie's flesh. He was alive. Human. But not for long. Charlie locked Christy's gaze but the message conveyed was unreadable. Something like fear tinged do you really mean to use the word 'tinged'? Perhaps think of an alternative with resignation This is good. Do it and wash it all away.

Now the pistol was touching Charlie's skin, and the light flashed against the metal as Christy pulled the trigger. The night was broken. He didn't look to the body, he looked to the sky, End sentence, then write "Let the rain fall and wash this away." - it makes your writing more fluent let the rain fall, and wash this away. I'll never look back, he thought. He dropped the pistol and made his way back to the car without a backward glance toward his comrades who would take care of the body. Mist was rising. Off the body behind him, off the ground, in Christy's mind. This is good.

All he knew had been reduced to mist. Love this and how you've linked it to the atmosphere, very well written.

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"I didn't want to kill him." Christy could see his face in the reflection of the glass like a ghost superimposed upon his daughter on the other side. Her gaze didn't soften. "I know you don't believe me," he grumbled. The dialogue here is structured beter. However, you should open this paragraph with, "I didn't want to kill him," Christy said, trembling. This not only gives a clearer atmosphere but it structures the dialogue better and gets rid of the degrading full stop.

"No, I believe you. I know you aren't cold blooded." She rolled her eyes. "Just fulfilling your duty and all that. Okay." I like this perceived sarcasm and like how you told us through her actions and not by saying 'she said sarcastically', this is well written, but act out dialogue to double check it doesn't sound wooden.

The room fell nearly replace 'nearly' with 'close-to' or an alternative that reads more fluently silent. All that could be heard was the buzz of the florescent bulbs above. They flickered occasionally, bringing dark to the normal dim, greenish illumination. This is a good scene setter.

"Do I get to ask you anything?" Christy dared.

"Mum said you always were a chancer." Her voice was coated in frost. "What do you want to know? Why she kept me from you, replace comma with a question mark and capitalize next "Why" to make it sound more dragged out and natural. why she threatened to turn you in?"

"I think I know that all too well--" Good implied character development.

"Of course you do!" The frost had melted with the heat rising in her throat. "You betrayed her, how could you have done something like that?" She stood, and put a hand to her forehead. "I'm sorry." Hardly more than a whisper. "This has all been very difficult." She sat down again, and resigned revise use of the word "resigned" in this sentence, said, "Go. Ask your question."

"Did you ever want to know me?" Good way to change the atmosphere and leave this section on a bit of a cliff hanger.

***



Spring had come. Half ten at night and there was still gold on the horizon . . . replace with a single full stop, it doesn't sound right otherwise - you can pick up on all these small errors by re-reading your work aloud and checking it flows properly gold that faded into blue and somewhere in between, those eyes! Christy jumped, his chin slipping from the place it held on his hand.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he heard a musical female voice behind him amidst all the voices in the pub. He didn't turn. "Sir? Are you alright?" I like this. You've kept the character mysterious as well as introducing some personality through her dialogue.

A warm hand on his shoulder and he turned to see what, but eyes--
"I was--just drifting off," Christy stumbled over his words. "Forgive my rudeness, but who are you?"

Her eyes were like ice and sun. Good.

"Ella." She paused, her eyes searching his face. "McCallister." I like this character already! You've introduced her flawlessly!

Christy felt his bated breath deflate. He was seeing things. Ella McCallister. Comma and not full stop. - 'Ella McCallister, not Charlie Spencer.' Not Charlie Spencer. The man's eyes were everywhere, in his mind, on the horizon, on her face. Ella McCallister. That was all he needed to know. He had washed Charlie away, away now, away. There is this slightly maddening and psychiatric personality about Christy and it's quite unusual to read but at the same time very gripping! Though you do have to be careful not to lose the personality and confuse your reader.

***



"Why else do you think I'm here?" Christy's daughter replied.

"Ciara, my Ciara," Christy sighed. He could feel tears form in his eyes. He blinked them away, and deflected his gaze. "You came to know me. What do you know of me?" Bit of a twist of character here and not sure about where the plot is heading?


"Everything I wish I didn't," she said, the frost settling once again on her syllables. I like that! "The IRA, lies of omission, and you couldn't even come after us when mum left." This is very good, but watch tying dialogue in with your story title, sometimes this can seem cheesy unless done very cleverly. I think you get away with this one!

"She lied to me too, your mother. She told me her name was Ella McCallister. When I found out the woman I loved was really Miss Ella Spencer, my dreams were already that she might be my Mrs. Ella Harkin. I was selfish, I know. But for that reason, I didn't tell her that I--I killed her brother." This is interesting, but unusual and may seem like an unusual thing to say in the situation he's in. Perhaps mumble on about something else first?

"Ella McCallister?"

"She went by that name in case she spoke to the wrong person, she didn't want any association with the dead Charlie Spencer, she felt it wasn't safe and didn't know the ways of the IRA. Ireland was different then." I like this. You've put the events into historical context which makes the plot clearer.

***



The ground was littered with clothes and baubles, scattered papers and open suitcases soon to be filled and borne away from here, away from Boston where she had moved with her husband and back across the Atlantic, not to Ireland but to England, from whence she truly came Info dump! This is okay for a short story, but try not to do it like this. Try and tell us fragments in different parts of the story rather than all at once. If you can, avoid infodumps entirely - except maybe in a prologue....

"It was a phone call, Christy!" Ella yelled at her husband who stood dumbfounded in the doorway. Not sure about this. Go back and narrate a little fragment of her going to answer the phone or something?

"My sister told me everything." Should be: "My sister told me everything. Now there were tears, "Perhaps..." Make sure you use commas when structuring your dialogue! Now there were tears. "Perhaps you remember a man by the name of Joe Brennan? Someone you might have called your colleague, y-your friend? They nabbed him, the police, and he revealed everything. Where you took my brother, where you shot him and where you, yes Christy, YOU left him to decay!" There is a natural sense of speech here so well done!

Little Ciara stood in the corner crying, holding her ears against the noise of her mother's shouting.

"It's beyond me why you never told me this but we are leaving, Ciara and I, and don't you ever try to find us, or this time I'll be the informant. I'll turn you in."
Woah! That was a little formal for finding that her husband had killed her brother! Perhaps revise this? The atmosphere seems off-beat! She should attack him or something and then clam herself before yelling. And avoid words such as 'informant', it's really wooden in my opinion.

Christy never saw his wife again. This is a good one line ender.

***
Watch the jump from different times in the story. Too many of these will put off a lot of readers...


"I have nothing more to ask of you." Ciara's voice had softened. "Frankly I just wanted to see you, daddy, I wanted you to know that I always wanted that."

"It was all I ever wanted to see you again, despite this glass, and the circumstances." Christy bowed his head.

"You know it wasn't mum? She said nothing about you to anyone."

"Turns out the police have been after me for a while. I turned myself in. I thought you might come to see me. I didn't know how else to find you. I am happier than I would have ever been, Ciara." Unusual ending and an interesting tale of events. However next time try and put in a more gripping, understandable start and round your story off with something that feels more significant to the reader.