Young Writers Society

This short little piece is a letter written by a fictional settler at Jamestown.



My Dear Mother,

Being among the first to settle the new world has its taxes. Our voyage on the sea took many weeks; all of them spent crammed into the ship like so many sardines. Many of my companions were ill over that time, either from seasickness or from the strange diseases sailors catch. I managed to keep the latter at bay by carrying an orange in my pocket, just as an old sailor suggested to me at port. We arrived at the new world after what seemed like years at sea. The land was strange and foreign. The beach we pulled up on was wide, and seemed to run straight into a dense forest. The air was hot and muggy, and hundreds of little insects were buzzing around, landing on our skin and biting us. Their bites itched something awful, but nevertheless, we managed to construct temporary shelters without itching every other minute. Our Governor reminded us that our purpose here in Jamestown, as it was called (in honor of his Majesty the King), was to find resources for England. So some of us went out hunting the plentiful game, both for valuable fur and the food we needed. They found strange creatures, new types of birds and little scurrying things resembling mice, only bigger and with furry tails. From time to time, the hunting parties met with the savage dark-skinned Indians out on hunts. We traded with the savages often, and despite the fact that they were uncouth and uncivilized, they knew how to hunt and fish and even farm in the Americas.

Some went looking for gold, as it was one of the chief desires of the Virginia Company, who we were working for. They had little luck. Panning water for gold dust, digging, sifting the sand – all revealed very little. However, we are sure that gold is out there! At least, we hope we are sure.

I was neither assigned hunting or looking for riches. Being a craftsman, I was assigned the task of working on the town. We erected the walls first; triangular in shape, and hewed from the trunks of many trees. It took many days, but finally, the outer walls were complete. Then we began to build the interior of the fort, constructing houses and barns for the animals we brought with us. At the moment, there are few buildings erect, but we expect the town to have enough houses for most by wintertime. However, building every day in the blazing heat is no enjoyable task. The air is humid and muggy, and insects by the hundreds swarm around aggravating us. Some of the company fell ill and died from mysterious causes. Our physician thinks that it has something to do with the insects, but was not certain. I won’t lie to you Mother; it truly is a miserable life, here. But I must do my duty for my country and my King, and so I shall, no matter how unpleasant. Here, Mother, I must stop. The returning ship, laden with the riches of the new world, is soon to depart. A sailor friend of mine says he will get this to you. Give my best wishes to Father.

Your Loving son,

Matthew Whit

This was nice. Very nice. There were a few repetitive parts mainly involving the word "insect". Otherwise, very nice.

I am here to critique beyond what is normal or nessisary.


Problem One:

I won’t lie to you Mother; it truly is a miserable life, here.

Delete the coma after life.

Problem Two:

The air was hot and muggy, and hundreds of little insects were buzzing around, landing on our skin and biting us. Their bites itched something awful, but nevertheless, we managed to construct temporary shelters without itching every other minute.

Try and find something to replace itch the second or third time. It is getting repetitive.

Problem Three/ Four:

We traded with the savages often, and despite the fact that they were uncouth and uncivilized, they knew how to hunt and fish and even farm in the Americas.

Uncouth isn't a word.

South America hadn't been discovered yet, so there were not 'Americas". And it wasn't even called America yet.

Problem Five:

The air is humid and muggy, and insects by the hundreds swarm around aggravating us. Some of the company fell ill and died from mysterious causes. Our physician thinks that it has something to do with the insects, but was not certain.

Replace insects with something else, it is getting very, very, very repetitive.


Besdies what I mentioned the overall piece is very realizticly written, and I feel as if I can really connect with Matthew. I also learned several new words in this well written peice. Keep up the good work.

Kally

'Ello!

So, a few errors as you're subconsciously jumping ahead before history has had a chance to write said events.

Being among the first to settle the new world has its taxes. Our voyage on the sea took many weeks; all of them spent crammed into the ship like so many sardines. Many of my companions were ill over that time, either from seasickness or from the strange diseases sailors catch.

When I read this, I instantly thought of the Mayflower as the "cargo" (passengers) did indeed suffer terribly on board and worse during the First Winter where nearly one-third of the populace was wiped out. Now my questions to are as follow:

1. Are you certain the passengers were "crammed like sardines?" Have you read proof? It just intrigues me greatly if the fact is true.

2. What did you mean by, "the strange diseases sailors catch?" Were you referring to the Pox perhaps? I'd have to double-check myself but I think the Pox were around during the early 17th c. Perhaps you could elaborate? It certainly would add strong emphasis on what the men truly suffered through on the vessel.

Our Governor reminded us that our purpose here in Jamestown, as it was called (in honor of his Majesty the King), was to find resources for England.

Every time I've read this excerpt, I keep imagining, Disney's "Pocahontas." xD Haven't decided if that's a good thing or not. That's probably your call, as you are the writer.

found strange creatures, new types of birds and little scurrying things resembling mice, only bigger and with furry tails.

Umm, rats perhaps? Rats are nothing new to the Englishmen as the rodents have been around since the dawn of time. I suggest thinking of a more elusive animal; the rodent family is enormous, and most genuses have survived the centuries, some evolved, some remained with the same genetic make-up four-hundred years ago. Do some researching, and make this area a bit more mysterious to draw us in to their plight.

They had little luck. Panning water for gold dust, digging, sifting the sand – all revealed very little.

Disney's Pocahontas again in my mind.

From time to time, the hunting parties met with the savage dark-skinned Indians out on hunts. We traded with the savages often, and despite the fact that they were uncouth and uncivilized, they knew how to hunt and fish and even farm in the Americas.

Well, first, you mentioned "savage" which is not needed.

How does Matthew know the Savages are uncivilized? The ship just landed, no? And how do the new settlers know the Algonquins are skilled with fishing and farming? The tribe sought the settlers as "demons." The white people brought disease, fahmon to them to their people; many of the Indians died. They had never dealt with the "white man's sickness," so that is one strike against the Jamestown settlers, a big one. Um, South America and even the USA hadn't been discovered yet.

Slow down and take your time. Definitely jumping a little ahead of time, historically.

I won’t lie to you Mother; it truly is a miserable life, here.

Expand with further description. Let us in a little more with the settler's dilemmas. All we know as the readers is that a few settlers died aboard to ship to the New World, and nagging, annoying insects. That's it? Show more, let us understand the central conflict. Also, the Governor probably was a real jackass. He could very well be your protagonist. Try working with his character more.

Overall, the letter is a decent start but bland. Not really much to entice me personally. Part of that problem is simply that writing letters or diary entries are typically epic fails, LOL! So hard to master and gain interest, they are, which means you have the arduous task of presenting a magnificent letter of awesomeness! Not easy, as I've failed time and time again. Only once was I able to come out on top, but that was after way too many attempts to keep track of. xD

Best of luck, deary!

Thank you all for reviewing!

As for the deseases sailors catch, I was refering to scurvy.
And the little furry creatures? Squirrels. Europeans had never seen squirrels.

Thanks for all your input!

Hi I liked the story and would like you to continue with it.Others have already nit=picked so I don't need to.

Like it! Oh, by the way, uncouth Is a word. It is ,infact, of old English. Is it by chance one letter or two, because the end paragraph sounded like a completly different one.

Oh, wow! I've been learning about this in American History, so I know what you're talking about here (Jamestown was very muggy, swampy, and infested with insects. I do agree with that, lol). It actually reminded me of a few things I need to remember for my test when I return from winter break.
It was very nicely written--I can imagine it being written from a man setting of to America easily--and it flows smoothly throughout the entire time. You overuse the word "insects" a bit too much, though, but that's all right and honestly the only real mistake I could find.
Good work, and keep writing!

Since everything else has been nit-picked to the bone, I just wanted to ask about one thing that bothered me.

How did the letter get back to Europe? If they had just landed wouldn't it be sometime until regular trips back to europe happened? so how did the letter get back to europe? Why would someone write the letter then not send it? even if the letter was being saved for when it COULD be sent, it would have to be re-written with more details, more things would've happened...

Very confused