Young Writers Society

Two Girls of Chicago

“Birthday, it is your birthday!” Lillian ran around the house singing, greatly annoying her sister. Charlotte got up from the solid giant wooden square she called her study desk and promptly went over to her bed to throw a pillow at her sister.

Lillian picked up the pillow after it hit her square in the face and threw it back at Charlotte. Charlotte ducked to avoid it and walked back to her makeshift desk.
The desk wasn’t anything spectacular, just a block of wood that her dad found and cut to fit through her narrow doorway. It sometimes gave its owner splinters, and it took up most of the empty floor space in the girl’s bedroom. But it was the one thing Charlotte truly called her own. And that was all that mattered.

“You were more fun when you were nine!” six year old Lillian exclaimed.
“Well,” Charlotte said, trying to come up with a lady-like answer, “I guess I am all grown up now. I am ten, you know.”

“I guess I am all grown up now.” Lillian said, mimicking her sister’s tone.
Then the two girls heard the door open downstairs, and the two forgot their argument to go greet their father. The girls ran down the creaking wooden stairs to the narrow hallway where the front door was. Charlotte was first into his arms.

“Oh, papa, you are finally home. I am so glad.” She said, still using her grown up voice.
“Well lookie here, I think my Char is all grown up.” He said, “And grown up girls get extra special birthday presents.” He pulled out of his bag a beautiful book that would serve as Charlottes only companion for hard times soon to come.

The book was green, with a single ribbon sticking out of the top and had Charlotte’s name on the front in gold lettering. Upon opening it, Charlotte realized it was a journal. I was the most beautiful thing she owned.
“Oh daddy, I love it so much! I don’t know how you possibly could have afforded this for me. That looks like real gold in the lettering.”

Mr. Dale let out a sigh. The lettering, in fact, was gold. It had cost him almost a month’s paycheck to get that book. But he counted himself lucky to even have a job. Many did not, for the year was 1934 and the great depression was at its worst.

Charlotte ran up to her room, and over to her desk. Eagerly she grabbed a pencil and began to write.

Dear Journal,

My name is Charlotte Dale. I am the daughter of Ruth and Walter Dale. I also have a sister, and the pest’s name is Lillian.
I love to write. But more than anything in the whole wide world I love to sing. Mommy says my voice is pretty, but that singers can become very silly.

But I won’t be silly. Someday I will grow up and be on Broadway and travel to all the wonderful places in the world. I will go to Paris and London, and everywhere I go people will know my name.

I will sign my name all fancy so that people can’t even read it. But the one thing is I guess I will have to start practicing my fancy signature now. Otherwise I might be caught off guard when I get older. And that would be awful.

I must go to dinner now.

Love,
Charlotte Dale

Hmm, very...intriguing, but where's the plot? The story? If you mean to continue it, then you should put a small note about that. By itself, it's not a very interesting story: girl has birthday, fights with sibling, gets birthday present from Dad. There is the small, almost-background conflict of money (or the lack of it), but you need to build it up.
Seriously, are you going to continue it?

This was nice. Short, but I liked the energy it had.

A few formatting/grammar nitpicks:

- "Papa" and "daddy", when used as names (like a little child calling their father), should be capitalized.

- Is the whole letter supposed to be italicized? It might make it easier to distinguish from the actual prose of the story.

This sounded like the beginning to an interesting story. One thing I did notice in your writing was that the action was being crammed into really long sentences.

Lillian picked up the pillow after it hit her square in the face and threw it back at Charlotte.

One way to make an action scene (and while this is a very tame action scene, it has ... action) a bit punchier is to shorten the sentences a little bit. A long sentence with a bunch of action in it drags on forever and can be hard to follow. Break it up into a few shorter sentences and suddenly it flows better and reads easier.

ex.

The pillow hit Lillian square in the face. She grunted, then picked it up and threw it back at Charlotte.

Broke it up a little, made it a little more immediate.

This has intrigued me! Continue and build on it! I'd like to see where you go with it.

~GryphonFledgling

Is there going to be a Chapter two? I mean I am interested in what is going to happen...

There is a chapter two..... look for it soon.

Hi Kaywiia,
It was a nice story and you could call it a prologue for it serves that purpose only.Yu should go more in detail about world depression .Some mistakes have already been poined out so I needn't tell.Just one thing:
"I was the most beautiful thing she owned."
You should add t to the first I.
keep writing

This was good but I found it lacking in physical detail.The plot was intriguing and I am interested in reading more of it. Your main character sounds interesting to learn about. I love the time period that you chose. The Great Depression era was a time all its own. I feel that you could show us more than tell us what is going on. I did not find but a couple of grammatical errors. Just go back and read through it and you will be golden! I do feel thought that you could have showed us what your character looked like. Describe the room, the hallway. Her father, mother, sister and your main character. Is she tall? Thin? Brown or red hair? What does she like/dislike? Let us feel as if we have known her all our lives. I like that fact that you used a diary entry. I think you could continue with the diary going side by side with the narration of the story. I enjoyed this and I feel it will be a good read. Keep writing, I would like to read more.

I also agree with just about everyone who has posted replies!! Actually, historical fiction is my absolute FAVORITE kind of literature! I just love stories from your era and the Great Depression! Great job! I know a lot of people have said that you need more action, but I think it's ok for a first chapter or prologue. So overall, I think you did great! Keep it up!

Hey! I'm KitxKat, or Kat, and I'm here to review your work. Anything in purple will be grammatical, and anything else will be in blue.
So, It's good. It's getting there. I see stuff you can improve on

Kaywiia wrote:Two Girls of Chicago

“Birthday, it is your birthday!” Lillian ran around the house singing, greatly annoying her sister. Charlotte got up from the solid giant wooden square she called her study desk and promptly went over to her bed to throw a pillow at her sister.

Lillian picked up the pillow after it hit her square in the face and threw it back at Charlotte. Charlotte ducked to avoid it and walked back to her makeshift desk.
The desk wasn’t anything spectacular, just a block of wood that her dad found and cut to fit through her narrow doorway. It sometimes gave its owner splinters, and it took up most of the empty floor space in the girl’s bedroom. But it was the one thing Charlotte truly called her own. And that was all that mattered.

“You were more fun when you were nine!” six year old Lillian exclaimed.
“Well,” Charlotte said, trying to come up with a lady-like answer, “I guess I am all grown up now. I am ten, you know.”

“I guess I am all grown up now.” Lillian said, mimicking her sister’s tone.
Then the two girls heard the door open downstairs, and the two forgot their argument to go greet their father. The girls ran down the creaking wooden stairs to the narrow hallway where the front door was. Charlotte was first into his arms.

“Oh, papa'Papa' should be capilitized, you are finally home. I am so glad.” She said, still using her grown up voice.
“Well lookie here, I think my Char is all grown up.” He said, “And grown up girls get extra special birthday presents.” He pulled out of his bag a beautiful book that would serve as Charlottes only companion for hard times soon to come.

The book was green, with a single ribbon sticking out of the top and had Charlotte’s name on the front in gold lettering. Upon opening it, Charlotte realized it was a journal. I was the most beautiful thing she owned.
“Oh daddySame with 'Daddy' Caplitize, I love it so much! I don’t know how you possibly could have afforded this for me. That looks like real gold in the lettering.”

Mr. Dale let out a sigh. The lettering, in fact, was gold. It had cost him almost a month’s paycheck to get that book. But he counted himself lucky to even have a job. Many did not, for the year was 1934 and the great depression was at its worst. Show don't tell. YOu do a good job with it, but instead of saying the year, maybe have Char write it

Charlotte ran up to her room, and over to her desk. Eagerly she grabbed a pencil and began to write.

Dear Journal,

My name is Charlotte Dale. I am the daughter of Ruth and Walter Dale. I also have a sister, and the pest’s name is Lillian.
I love to write. But more than anything in the whole wide world I love to sing. Mommy says my voice is pretty, but that singers can become very silly.

But I won’t be silly. Someday I will grow up and be on Broadway and travel to all the wonderful places in the world. I will go to Paris and London, and everywhere I go people will know my name.

I will sign my name all fancy so that people can’t even read it. But the one thing is I guess I will have to start practicing my fancy signature now. Otherwise I might be caught off guard when I get older. And that would be awful.

I must go to dinner now.

Love,
Charlotte Dale

@Kat:You opt for other colour like red or something or grammar. Blue and Purple are getting a bit confusing.

I don't know anything about grammar so I won't try and correct any mistakes you might of made. I thought it was a good start to your story. It was a strangely interesting, yet informative. The characters all ready have a bit of personality and depth. Unlike other authors I don't think you need to go in depth about the great depression. I mean for one, every one got poor that the basics what more do you need to know. Two your main character is only ten and since it's kind of from a ten year old point of view to have her describe it would be weird.

The one problem I have with it and almost every story on yws has it, chapter length. This would make a great prologue but it's way to short to be a chapter. Sadly I think the way this is done means that to describe it more or lengthen it out would ruin what it's got.

Any way thats all I gotta say about that.

I thought this part could be stretched more by using details of all five senses! Do not forget taste, feel and smell! Most people usually forget those and only write with hearing and seeing. Also, when I read this story I realized your main character has the same name as mine, Charlotte Dale. That name is quite pretty! Anyway I thought this story was all right, but not in its best light! Put more emotion into the character and oh yes, the letter that Charlotte wrote in her diary was an infodump. You wrote about half her life in a few sentences! Think about it: if you got a diary would you write everything about yourself in the first entry? This piece is in need of some editing, after that it can lead to a nice story!

I liked it. I enjoyed the relationships shown already between the characters. I agree with the others that it needs some taste of a plot, but its a good beginning. One small thing i saw was with your sentence beginnings. For example in the beginning:

“Birthday, it is your birthday!” Lillian ran around the house singing, greatly annoying her sister. Charlotte got up from the solid giant wooden square she called her study desk and promptly went over to her bed to throw a pillow at her sister.

Lillian picked up the pillow after it hit her square in the face and threw it back at Charlotte. Charlotte ducked to avoid it and walked back to her makeshift desk.

You started 4 sentences in a row with the character's names. I think if you added a little variety, saying something like:

"Birthday, it is your birthday!" Lillian ran around the house singing, greatly annoying her sister. Getting up from the solid giant wooden square she called her study desk, Charlotte promptly went over to her bed to throw a pillow at her sister. After it hit her square in the face, Lillian picked it up and threw it back at her sister. Charlotte ducked to avoid it and walked back to her makeshift desk.

I think this might make it flow better. However, its your style, so you should do what you feel. I'll be looking for the second chapter.

There is a second and third chapter already out, by the way.