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An Ordeal of the Titanic



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Tue Mar 09, 2010 12:23 am
Forestqueen808 says...



I have to write at least four journal entries about someone who really was aboard the TITANIC for English. (Each entry is about half a page long) This is a "diary entry" from Miss Anna Kristine age 16, 3rd class, who survived the ordeal of the Titanic. She was traveling from Norway, to meet her sisters in Minneapolis.

April 10th 1912

I can’t believe it. I am aboard the grandest ship in the world, the RMS Titanic. I have chosen to meet my sisters in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in America. I am traveling with my neighbors, Olaus Abelseth, Anna Salkjelsvik, Peter Søholt, Sigurd Hansen Moen and Adolf Humblen. I hope Anna and I will become closer during this voyage, though she is five years older than me at age twenty one. I do hope that my brothers will be all right back home in Norway, with us girls gone, there will be less mouths to feed.
We are finally on our way, I am sharing a cabin with Anna and a few Swedish girls. It has been only about twenty minuets at the most since we left the dock, and it was splendid. The crowds were cheering, although on our leave we almost collided with another ship. Many of the superstitious third class passengers believe it is a bad omen, but I do not think so. How could a ship as marvelous as this be sinkable?
Anna and the other girls want to go up to the third class deck, so I suppose I will go with them to get some fresh air. It’s a beautiful day, and I still can’t believe that I am so far away from home. But I will be at my new home in America in a few days, a new home.


April 12th 1912

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a couple days, its just been so busy around here. We have parties every night in the third class area, usually until well past midnight. We have been warned to keep it down, but it seems impossible with all our little children and rowdy men.
We’ve only been aboard for three days, but I’ve already explored nearly every inch of the third class areas, though there isn’t much. The dining room is fine, but I hear that the first class is even more glorious. I have not been allowed into the third class smoke room, but why would I want to?
I have a secret to tell, but it is very bad. I went to the first class deck the other day, and I nearly got caught. But oh, the women were dressed so fancy and it was so beautiful! I longed to be one of them, but we could barely afford tickets for third class.
I hear that there are 825 tons of coal used a day! Many of my roommates think not, but I swear it must be true! We are going so quickly across the ocean!
I also hear that there are elevators, but they are only for the first and second class, we must always take the stairs. Which I don’t think is very fair, we are the farthest from the deck, so we should get the elevators. But I suppose its according to class, like everything is.
Its dinner time, I must leave now, I’ll write to you as soon as possible.


April 14th 1912

The boat has stopped. I am sitting up in bed, while the others check what is going on. The floor is a little wet, but I bet the something in the cargo broke, though I don’t know why we stopped. We were making such good progress, the captain wouldn’t stop on a little note, he’d have to stop the ship if something big had happened.
When I first stepped out of bed to relieve myself I felt the wet floor, and the water is absolutely freezing. I quickly did my business and climbed back into bed, but my sheets are now wet. I hear running outside of the door, I will write back soon. Olaus just barged in and is packing Anna and my stuff. He says the boat has hit an iceberg. It can’t be true, he says the Titanic is sinking.


April 15th 1912

I can’t believe this. I am still in shock. The ship has sunk, and its freezing. Olaus had told me to leave you behind dear diary, but I couldn’t bare to. I am writing in lifeboat sixteen.
Everyone around me is crying, we watched it happen. We watched the titanic sink, and the cries of the people still haunt me, though it is nearly an hour later. But its so cold, I can see my breath, and my hand is numb, I can’t barely write this.
I do not know if the others made it, I pray with all my heart that they did. I only know a few people in my boat, one of my Swedish roomates, Kirsten, is huddling near me. I don’t know where the others are, but at least we made it. She is crying for her sister, Katarina.
I remember the sinking so vividly, and I know I will remember it for the rest of my life. As the ship went down, it broke in between the third and fourth funnel, and the front was first to go. Many people were jumping off, the screams seem to linger in the air.
Us third class passengers came up to the deck with all our belongings, but the first class just scoffed and went back to smoking. I was only let on so quickly because of me being a woman, but I didn’t see any of the men. Kirsten and I were one of the last ones off, but I pray that the others survived.
Someone is shouting. There is a light! A ship! We see a ship in the distance! It must be coming to our rescue! Oh thank the Lord, we are saved! We are saved!


April 18th 1912

We will be arriving in New York any moment now. Many of us are still in shock about the grandest ship in the whole world sinking. I have finally found Olaus and Anna, but the others have been lost. Adolf, Peter, and Sigurd have all died. It so hard remembering all the children in the third class cabin, and when I look around, I know many of them did not survive. It brings tears to my eyes, remembering the horrible screams, the terrified wails, and the deafening cracking sound as the Titanic split in two.
No one will ever forget the night of April 14th 1912, the night our ship sank. My sisters must be worried sick about me, but I do hope that they have not given up hope about me completely. They promised they would meet me in New York, though it is very far from Minneapolis.
I must finish up this entry quickly dear diary, for we will be docking soon. I must help Anna, she is still in a terrible mess from the ordeal. I can see the Statue of Liberty, her head is held high. I can almost hear the shouts from the dock, but nothing will be the same. I will forever be haunted by the screams of innocent women and children and men alike. The Titanic, the ship that was “unsinkable” has fallen to the sea.
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





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Tue Mar 09, 2010 1:04 am
Kaedee says...



Hey, Forest. Kaedee, here to review.
I liked this. I enjoyed the narrator's voice. The only way to make this much better, is if you described surroundings more and the event of the Titanic sinking, but since this is a school assignment, I understand if there might be certain limits.
There was one main problem in this: You never exactly said that people thought that the Titanic was 'unsinkable'! And since you ended this piece talking about how people thought it was 'unsinkable', you should spend more time talking about that since it was very important and also to give more of an effect, but you didn't. Here's what I mean:
Forestqueen808 wrote:Many of the superstitous third class passangers believe it is a bad omen, but I do not think so. How could a ship as marvalous as this be sinkable?
(You spelled 'superstitious', 'passengers', and 'marvelous' wrong.) Who said that the Titanic was not 'sinkable'? You just jump into that, without explaining. As I said, you should also talk about it more. And that...starts off the nitpicks section! :D

Nitpicks:

Forestqueen808 wrote:But oh, the women were dressed so fancy and it was so beautiful!
Should be 'so fancily'...or is this part of her voice? Is she not very educated, since she is third class?

Forestqueen808 wrote:I have chosen to meet my sisters in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in America.
Don't need the comma after 'Minnesota'.

Forestqueen808 wrote:I do hope that my brothers will be all right back home in Norway, with us girls gone, there will be less mouths to feed.
Should be 'alright'. Don't need the comma after 'Norway'. I think it would sound better if you said 'after all, there will be less mouths to feed.'

Forestqueen808 wrote:It has been only about twenty minuets at the most since we left the dock, and it was splendid.
Should be 'minutes'. Don't need 'the'. Do you mean the dock was splendid? What is 'it'?

Forestqueen808 wrote:But I will be at my new home in America in a few days, a new home.
You said 'new home' twice. Or do you mean to make an effect, to make this more dramatic? Then separate this into two sentences, possibly.

Forestqueen808 wrote:I’m sorry I haven’t written for a couple days, its just been so busy around here. We have parties every night in the third class area, usually until well past midnight.
Be careful with the 'its'! Most of the time you need
'it's' instead of 'its', since 'it's'= it is. I see this repeatedly.

Forestqueen808 wrote:but I bet the something in the cargo broke
Take out the 'the'.

Forestqueen808 wrote:When I first stepped out of bed to relieve myself I felt the wet floor, and the water is absolutly freezing.
Misspelled 'absolutely'. This sentence is also confusing.

Forestqueen808 wrote:Olaus just barged in and is packing Anna and my stuff.

'Is packing Anna and my stuff' doesn't make sense, should change.

Forestqueen808 wrote:It can’t be true, he says the Titanic is sinking.
Sounds casual, like the narrator doesn't care...make this more dramatic!

Forestqueen808 wrote:the titanic
Capitalize the name of the boat.

Forestqueen808 wrote:and my hand is numb, I can’t barely write this.
Should be 'since my hand is numb, I can barely write this.'

In the whole April 15th entry, the narrator doesn't even say where she is!It sounds like she was already saved...you also spelled 'passengers' wrong again. :D In the entry after that, you again don't say where the narrator is! You also spelled 'deafening' wrong.

I hope I helped. As I said, I liked this! Keep up the good work. See ya round.

~KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler! :
*_______*
  





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Tue Mar 09, 2010 2:37 am
ballerina13 says...



I enjoyed this piece very much. The only concern that I have is that there were spelling errors and in he beginning when you talked about the Titanic being 'unsinkable' how did you come up with that assumption? You had great voice in this piece. I loved the narrators thoughts and actions. You added emotion to the piece. Just re-read it over and fix those grammar and spelling mistakes. Great job! :D
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Tue Mar 09, 2010 6:01 am
captain.classy says...



*likes*

I enjoyed this. I would have proffered more information, more plot, but these are journal entries, and who has much time to write when they're about to die?

I would also like to read more about when she's on the ship. We need something else here, some other bit of the story, and then it will be perfect. So the perfect place to add more story into is when she's happy and living on the ship, for that is probably the time she has the longest to write. Maybe include something about her mother, or her neighbors. All you say is names, but what are those characters like? Why introduce so many characters if you're not even going to talk about them!

As I said before, I enjoyed this. It was short, sweet, and to the point. No further criticism here.

<3

Classy
  





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Tue Mar 09, 2010 10:43 pm
CharlotteGrace says...



Okay. I am a fan of the Titanic. Don't ask why but I am. So I loved it, but I would have liked more details in it. But otherwise, LOVED IT!!!!
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Thu Mar 11, 2010 4:47 am
Jenthura says...



Hey Queen, here's a link to a site that might help you.
http://www.historyonthenet.com/Titanic/unsinkable.htm
Do tell me it that helped, as I really like what you've written so far. Also, for some information about Miss Anna Kristine...
http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/ti ... lsvik.html
That one is very sketchy, since there seems to be very little information about Miss Anna.
Hope I helped.
Jenth.
-ж-Ж-ж-
  





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Fri Apr 30, 2010 1:07 pm
austenite says...



I loved it!! I'm a major Titanic fan, so reading this gave me shivers. Especially because it was written about real people, which I think is really great. I take it English is not your native language, as you said you had to write in English, and for that I think it is well written. You could try being a little more descriptive, like when she is describing what she sees in first class. Describe the gowns, the decorations.

My comments throughout are in red.
Forestqueen808 wrote:

April 10th 1912

I can’t believe it. I am aboard the grandest ship in the world, the RMS Titanic. I have chosen to meet my sisters in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in America. I am traveling with my neighbors, Olaus Abelseth, Anna Salkjelsvik, Peter Søholt, Sigurd Hansen Moen and Adolf Humblen. I hope Anna and I will become closer during this voyage, though she is five years older than me at age twenty one. You have just started a sentence with 'I hope', so try not to repeat yourself so soon after using it once.(My brothers stay in Norway, and though there will be less mouths to feed, I hope they will be alright with us girls gone)

We are finally on our way,and I am sharing a cabin with Anna and a few Swedish girls. It has been only about twenty minuets at the most since we left the dock, and it was splendid. The crowds were cheering, although on our leave we almost collided with another ship. Many of the superstitious third class passengers believe it is a bad omen, but I do not think so. How could a ship as marvelous as this be sinkable?
Anna and the other girls want to go up to the third class deck, so I suppose I will go with them to get some fresh air. It’s a beautiful day, and I still can’t believe that I am so far away from home. But I will be at my new home in America in a few days, a new home.


April 12th 1912

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a couple days, its just been so busy around here. We have parties every night in the third class area, usually until well past midnight. We have been warned to keep it down, but it seems impossible with all our little children and rowdy men.
We’ve only been aboard for three days, but I’ve already explored nearly every inch of the third class areas, though there isn’t much. The dining room is fine, but I hear that the first class is even more glorious. I have not been allowed into the third class smoke room, but why would I want to?
I have a secret to tell, but it is very bad. I went to the first class deck the other day, and I nearly got caught. But oh, the women were dressed so fancy and it was so beautiful! I longed to be one of them, but we could barely afford tickets for third class.
I hear that there are 825 tons of coal used a day! Many of my roommates think not, but I swear it must be true! We are going so quickly across the ocean!
I also hear that there are elevators, but they are only for the first and second class, we must always take the stairs. Which I don’t think is very fair, we are the farthest from the deck, so we should get the elevators. But I suppose its according to class, like everything is.
Its dinner time, I must leave now, I’ll write to you as soon as possible.


April 14th 1912

The boat has stopped. I am sitting up in bed, while the others check what is going on. The floor is a little wet, but I bet the something in the cargo broke, though I don’t know why we stopped. We were making such good progress, the captain wouldn’t stop on a little note, he’d have to stop the ship if something big had happened.
When I first stepped out of bed to relieve myself I felt the wet floor, and the water is absolutely freezing. I quickly did my business and climbed back into bed, but my sheets are now wet. I hear running outside of the door, I will write back soon. Olaus just barged in and is packing Anna and my stuff. He says the boat has hit an iceberg. It can’t be true, but he says the Titanic is sinking.


April 15th 1912

I can’t believe this. I am still in shock. The ship has sunk, and its freezing. Olaus had told me to leave you behind dear diary, but I couldn’t bare to. I am writing in lifeboat sixteen.
Everyone around me is crying, we watched it happen. We watched the titanic sink, and the cries of the people still haunt me, though it is nearly an hour later. But its so cold, I can see my breath, and my hand is numb, I can’t barely write this.
I do not know if the others made it, I pray with all my heart that they did. I only know a few people in my boat, one of my Swedish roomates, Kirsten, is huddling near me. I don’t know where the others are, but at least we made it. She is crying for her sister, Katarina.
I remember the sinking so vividly, and I know I will remember it for the rest of my life. As the ship went down, it broke in between the third and fourth funnel, and the front was first to go. Many people were jumping off, the screams seem to linger in the air.
Us third class passengers came up to the deck with all our belongings, but the first class just scoffed and went back to smoking. I was only let on so quickly because of me being a woman, but I didn’t see any of the men. Kirsten and I were one of the last ones off, but I pray that the others survived.
Someone is shouting. There is a light! A ship! We see a ship in the distance! It must be coming to our rescue! Oh thank the Lord, we are saved! We are saved!


April 18th 1912

We will be arriving in New York any moment now. Many of us are still in shock about the grandest ship in the whole world sinking. I have finally found Olaus and Anna, but the others have been lost. Adolf, Peter, and Sigurd have all died. It so hard remembering all the children in the third class cabin, and when I look around, I know many of them did not survive. It brings tears to my eyes, remembering the horrible screams, the terrified wails, and the deafening cracking sound as the Titanic split in two.
No one will ever forget the night of April 14th 1912, the night our ship sank. My sisters must be worried sick about me, but I do hope that they have not given up hope about me completely. They promised they would meet me in New York, though it is very far from Minneapolis.
I must finish up this entry quickly dear diary, for we will be docking soon. I must help Anna, she is still in a terrible mess from the ordeal. I can see the Statue of Liberty, her head is held high. I can almost hear the shouts from the dock, but nothing will be the same. I will forever be haunted by the screams of innocent women and children and men alike. The Titanic, the ship that was “unsinkable” has fallen to the sea.
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
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Mon May 10, 2010 4:32 pm
Hydey says...



Hello, I'm Hydey.
I love stories about the Titanic and I believe this was an excellent description of the horror of what happened on the ship. Here's just some nit-picking I have for you:
Someone is shouting. There is a light! A ship! We see a ship in the distance! It must be coming to our rescue! Oh thank the Lord, we are saved! We are saved!

I may be thinking too realistic, but if I saw my rescuers from the lifeboat I wouldn't be writing at that time. What I would do is trail off from the diary entry, then restart in a new one explaining what happened, not what happens right that second.
Other than that, this was neat! :) Keep writing!
“Take one fresh and tender kiss
Add one stolen night of bliss
One girl, one boy, some grief,
some joy Memories are made of this.”
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