Young Writers Society

This is a sample from a chapter that I am writing. It takes place during the Hundred Years war between England and France in the 14th Century. A group of soldiers are traveling to a harbor to gain passage to France. Please critique!
Thanks. Seibhris.

BY: Seibhris


Edric gazed at the ocean before him. Never in his life had he seen something so vast and beautiful. As the waves turned on the surface of the water, it reminded him of a breeze flowing through the wheat fields of his village.

He began his descent on the side of the rock-strewn cliff. There was a constricted and seemingly precarious path leading to the base of the cliff and onto the shoreline. Out of his group, he was the first to step onto the path. The rest followed after him, keeping clear of the edge of the path.
As they warily paced down the zigzagging trail, an archer in their unit stepped on an assortment of loose rocks. The side of his body smashed into the ground and he began to slide over the edge of the trail. Another soldier dove onto his belly and reached out with his free arm to grasp the hand of the doomed archer. Edric dashed over to assist in heaving the distressed man back over the edge.

“You must be careful, Gamel!” exclaimed one of the archers. “That would have been a nasty fall. We cannot loose our men to this inhuman cliff before we reach the harbor!”

“Then god be with us all,” said Gamel.

“Keep to the right, and stay clear of the edge of this trail, men!” shouted Edric.

They continued their journey down the rock-face. Cautiously, they made their way along the second half of the trail and soon took their first step onto the coast. Edric examined the shoreline. Just as Walkelin had said, there on the shore, slightly to the left and off in the distance, was the harbor. It was an assortment of docks, ships, fishing boats, working men and soldiers. The group proceeded to saunter across the beach to their rally point.

“The gateway to France, men.”

“It is a sight to behold!”

“Onward!” shouted Edric.

Hi Seibhris! Welcome to YWS I'll be your reviewer for today!

“Then god be with us all"

capitalize "god".

That was the only grammatical problem I found. Okay as in words of Edric, "Onward!" Okay that was fun...

Nittypickies

Okay, so, I think you need to show more action. Well, action may not be the right word. Emotion, and paint a picture in the reader's mind. You did that very well in the first paragraph, but after that, you sort of lost it. That would be a nice touch.

WRITE MORE! I know this is like an excerpt, but still, you should post more so we can get an idea. And maybe, explain what is going on. At first I was wondering if it was in England or France, but then at the end I finally figured it out. Tell us more about what is going on. You may know what is going on, but the reader may not. That is the thing about Historical Fiction, research, research, RESEARCH. But I absolutly LOVE historical fiction, and there are a lot of people who do.

Overall

This is a very good piece of literature. Especially to a history maniac like me. (I love medieval times ) But, it needs some polishing. Like EVERYONE at my school says: "You cut a firm regular rock, now make it shine like a diomand! And PM me if you want me to help or anything. Seriously, I'm not trying to be prideful or anything, but I have helped edit novels in the past for people, so don't hesitate to ask in for any advice, or even for an editor...

Great job! PM me when more is up!

~Forest

As the waves turned on the surface of the water, it reminded him of a breeze flowing through the wheat fields of his village.

I like this comparison.

There was a constricted and seemingly precarious path leading down to the base of the cliff and onto the shoreline. Out of his group, he was the first to step onto the path. The rest followed after him, keeping clear of the edge of the path.

Try being a bit more concise; it makes your writing clearer and easier to read. Also, you use the word "path" three times too close together.

“You must be careful, Gamel!” exclaimed one of the archers. “That would have been a nasty fall. We cannot [color=000088]lose[/color] our men to this inhuman cliff before we reach the harbor!”

“Then [color=000088]God[/color] be with us all,” said Gamel.

“Keep to the right, and stay clear of the edge of this trail, men!” shouted Edric.

The words I've bolded are redundant. The exclamation mark already shows that they're shouting/exclaiming. Also, the dialogue here is really stilted, especially the first paragraph.

It was an assortment of docks, ships, fishing boats, working men and soldiers.

No buildings?

“Onward!” shouted Edric.

Why?

Overall, the dialogue struck me as a bit stilted, and I think you could use a bit more care in your word choice. You tend to use a lot of adjectives and adverbs, which clogs up the prose, making it less easy to understand. Try focusing on the necessary details rather than trying to describe everything at once, and pay attention to when describing one thing implies the description of another; for instance, mentioning that that a path travels downward is unnecessary when it has already been mentioned that the path is going from the top of a cliff to the base, and vice versa.

Thanks to both of you. Both are outstanding pieces of advice. Thanks again!

Well, first off this is VERY small sample. So small I am afraid to comment on it in great detail. But here we go

There was a constricted and seemingly precarious path leading to the base of the cliff and onto the shoreline. Out of his group, he was the first to step onto the path. The rest followed after him, keeping clear of the edge of the path.

Holy Path's batman! Consider a different word choice.

Another note: more descriptions! I don't feel like I am there and that is disappointing As a writer, you are writing about a time period you don't live in which isn't easy, but is doable with the right descriptions and details. Right now you are missing these details. What are the soldiers wearing? God not god? How did the rock face feel? What noises were coming from the harbor. These are details you need to consider in order to put your reader into the story. As of right now, those details are missing.

The dialogue seemed very forced, especially with all the yelling and shouting.

Keep working on this. You've certainly chosen a daunting task, but no time period is impossible to replicate.

Sorry if this is a short response. I am currently in botany and my professor hates me

If you have more questions, feel free to PM me. I'll also keep my eye on this thread.

I like it. I think you created a good setting and basis for something strong. I liked the first paragraph where you mentioned the village. I think if you expanded this first paragraph a bit more to maybe include some details about the village and Edric's past; who he is, what his village was like, etc it would be a much bigger hook as well as creating a connection with Edric. I think also some of his thoughts after the archer trips could increase this and give him more emotion. Maybe some description of Edric himself like what weapons or armour he has could create interest, not that the passage isn't interesting already.

I hope I wasn't to critical? :S
I'd like to read more because I've loved the Middle Ages since.....a long time :L
But good job overall!

I liked this piece of fiction but the reviewers before me covered it pretty well. I think you should put a bit more dialogue into this piece because the few lines you have added make it seem very... well, just odd that there's some random talking. It almost seems strained.

Another thing was that you should stop and explain the story line. Here are some questions I noticed:
1. What did the ship look like? How come nobody noticed it?
2. Where is Edric from? What's his nationality? French or English?
3. What does the cliff face look like?
4. Isn't there usually towns around harbors?
5. Why did you add the part where he was falling?

Overall, you need to describe, describe, describe! Also, please consider a bit more action Overally, it was pretty good and I enjoyed it. Can't wait to see what you write next

Hi there! Great work!

Just one tiny little thing:

“You must be careful, Gamel!” exclaimed one of the archers. “That would have been a nasty fall. We cannot loose our men to this inhuman cliff before we reach the harbor!”

“Then god be with us all,” said Gamel.

“Keep to the right, and stay clear of the edge of this trail, men!” shouted Edric.

All those in red need to have a captial at the beginning.
Funny I am studying the hundred years war in history at the moment and we're coming to the end of the topic now.
I'm not sure that the English soldiers would have climbed down the cliff faces; it seems to risky for them to do such a thing.
Anyway great work!