It was Mr. Morgan, who kept the bookshop, who taught me my letters, Mrs. B taught me to steal. It reas better if you take out the last comma and add 'and'.
Tell 'em girl, you don't want to gaol. It should be "Tell 'em girl, you don't want to go to the gaol."
Better a madhouse than a gaol. Aren't they both worse as each other?
I had never been hit before, not even when I went thieving in the Borough. If I'd had any strength I'd have hit her back; nobody hits Sally Winter and gets away with it! I really like the ending. Please post more.
In all the time we have
There is never enough time
To show what is in our heart.
Prison and madhouses are worse as each other but I'll explain later why she goes to the madhouse. It was easier to get out of a madhouse than prison, and you do get treated a little better although there were a few punishments...
" I should tell you that I am a thief, a regular thief as the Borough men and women would have said."
You should replace the comma with a semi-colon. Generally, whenever you are using a comma without a conjunction, and when both sides of the sentence would be fine by themselves, you should use a semi-colon instead.
"Dr. John was dressed in a great overcoat and his shoes had a black shine to them."
Need a comma in front of the 'and.'
"She was a very large woman, Nurse Jones was, and as tall as a man. "
This line is perfect. You capture the voice of the speaker perfectly here, and you give her a very distinct sound. You should try imitating this in the rest.
Right now, it's good, although it feels too short. However, you need the speaker a distinct sound, as you did in the sentence I quoted above.
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov
Thanks for reading and reviewing, Brian. This is just something I'm practising for an English assignment and it still needs a little more work into it.
It's interesting, to say the least. It's not all that detailed, but you get a good enough picture (so if you're going for a star project or whatever, I'd definitely work on slowing it down a little and putting description).
Speaking of description...reason behind that. The piece had a nice pace to it; it was just a regular train of thought. However, the train went a little crazy and fell off the track towards the end of the first bit, which ruined most of it. I'd defintely slow it down a bit toward there, since it just jumps to place to place without warning.
I really did enjoy the bit about her looking at herself in the mirror...that was pretty good. How horrible, honestly...but still. The ending was abrupt. You create this big, heart-thumping conflict (person at the door) but then it's like you had to quick hand something in. You just had her sigh and then you were done, no wondering or further thought on this strange occurance.
Other than that...definitely a unique piece. Keep it up.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.
I agree with Sam about the pace of the story. It was good but you should add more decription and maybe tell the reader more about the other women (both nurses and patients).
I liked the idea of Nurse Jones and Sally becoming friends but it would have been better to see more of Nurse Jones than letting her disappear so quickly from the story.
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