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Last Blaze of Summer (Flash Fiction)



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Thu Apr 08, 2010 10:43 pm
Tenyo says...



(Flash Fiction: 200 Words)

September 2nd - September 5th
-1666

It was the end of summer, some time close to midnight. A soft ember from a bakers oven strayed from its nesting place on a cool shallow breeze. Creeping, crawling, licking and leaping, with each small thing it ate its hunger grew.

Nobody cared, that's what father said; about the baker or his home, or the little flames in another street. Not until the streets where alight, but by then it was all too late. Within hours the grand city of London was burning to the ground. Against the black sky, for the first time, she almost looked majestic. Her streets were bright and bustling, and all the rooftops were gleaming.

Out on the river we clambered into little rowing boats, and even though the wind was cold the flames kept us warm through the night. When morning came we watched in fear and anticipation. The hours dragged to days, and the fire got bigger and bigger.

By the fourth day, London was dead. St Pauls cathedral had been destroyed - the giant crucifix behind the alter hung scorched and broken. The ruin saw even children able to climb over the rubble of the weeping western gates, who also had bowed to the blaze. Bridewell palace, where I had been schooled, still sung in her majestic tone, even though she knew that her children would not return.

With tense shoulders and bowed heads we walked, dragging our feet along the ground. Britains proudest city now lay in ashes beneath our weary feet.
Last edited by Tenyo on Fri Apr 09, 2010 8:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Apr 08, 2010 11:24 pm
thedaydreamer says...



Hi there!
First thing that I have to say is a really short story. I loved the description in this piece, it was so vivid that I could almost see the image as I read it. I also liked the fact that it was set in 1666, a time which not many people know about, even though they may have learned about in History at school.

One of the main problems I have, though I may just be a spelling fanatic, is that you put where twice instead of were. For example:

Her streets where bright and bustling, and all the rooftops where gleaming.


Also, watch out for grammatical errors too. Other than that, I LOVED IT! Keep it up and please do update on any other writing pieces you may have. It'll be good to read! :)
  





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Fri Apr 09, 2010 1:25 am
Zibbie says...



Hi Zib here to review
Okay i really liked this because it was super descriptive and had a good flow. Just some parts that were hard to understand, but maybe its because im blonde... :?
TenYo wrote:The ruin saw even children able to climb over the rubble of the weeping western gates that too had bowed to the blaze.

Read this over a couple times before i understood. I like the intention behind it and the language, but maybe phrase it differently.
TenYo wrote:our wary feet

a) wary= suspicious
b) weary= tired
(i think you want option b :) )
TenYo wrote:Against the black sky, for the first time, she almost looked majestic.

Okay the only problem i have with this is that London was a very majestic place, so its not really for the first time.

I Really liked this peice even though its short! Soo good :elephant:
Zib
"His poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random."
  





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Sat Apr 10, 2010 2:42 pm
Twit says...



Creeping, crawling, licking and leaping, with each small thing it ate its hunger grew.


I think you should either have a semi-colon or start a new sentence after "leaping", and have a comma after "ate".


Nobody cared, that's what father said; about the baker or his home, or the little flames in another street.


I'm not sure that semi-colon's right. I think it should be like, Nobody cared, that's what Father said. No one cared about the baker or his home, or the little flames in another street. It flows better like that.


Not until the streets where alight, but by then it was all too late.


"Where" should be "were".


Within hours the grand city of London was burning to the ground.


Comma after "hours".



Against the black sky, for the first time, she almost looked majestic.


I don't see why it's only for the first time. London was pretty high and majestic around this time and all. It's also worded a little funny, and the "for the first time" disrupts the flow of the sentence. If you do want to keep it in, have it something like, For the first time she looked almost majestic, blazing against the black sky in a red and gold inferno. Or whatever.


Her streets were bright and bustling, and all the rooftops were gleaming.


"Bright a bustling" brings to mind a spring market day, happy people crowding about, not running for their lives. "Gleaming" brings to mind wetness, like rain, not fire.


Out on the river we clambered into little rowing boats, and even though the wind was cold the flames kept us warm through the night.


Comma after "river". The way you describe the flames as keeping them warm makes the fire seem like a positive thing, and I'm not sure that that really fits with the rest of the tone of the piece.


The hours dragged to days, and the fire got bigger and bigger.


This makes it sound like they stayed on the boat for days just watching the city burn and not caring about food or water or shelter or anything.


St Pauls cathedral had been destroyed - the giant crucifix behind the alter hung scorched and broken.


Apostophe on St. Paul's? I'm not sure why you mention the crucifix being "scorched" -- wouldn't it have been destroyed? And why mention something inside the church that they wouldn't have been able to see? Why not talk about the lead melting off the roof, or the spire gone?


Bridewell palace, where I had been schooled, still sung in her majestic tone, even though she knew that her children would not return.


I'm slightly confused. The school is singing? Why won't its pupils come back? If it's been destroyed, how come it's singing?


With tense shoulders and bowed heads we walked, dragging our feet along the ground. Britains proudest city now lay in ashes beneath our weary feet.


Apostrophe on Britain's. Where did they walk? Who are they?

~

Even though this is flash fiction, it's still very lacking in detail. I'd sugegst fleshing it out and never minding the word count. There's no characters, just a voice with a father, and the voice isn't very strong. There's not much detail or pretty description, either. To quote Blanche DuBois:- I want magic! Well, I'd like some imagery and nice description, anyway. :)

The end is pretty depressing, and it'd be nice if your characters could look on the bright side a little. You haven't given me any specific reason to care about them, or any specific reason why they should be miserable (apart from their city being destroyed and all, but I still want moar).

I did like this piece, though. It's only because it's good that I had to nitpick grammar and mood and all. :)

PM me if you have any questions!
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Sun Apr 11, 2010 3:38 am
Seibhris says...



I'm not a professional editor... but besides several grammatical errors, this piece was outstanding!! :D

Thanks for submitting it!

-Seibhris
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's true character, give him power."

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Tue Apr 13, 2010 6:13 pm
SophieSays says...



I agree that this piece needs a stronger 'voice'. It's images are very nice, but I have no idea about who is seeing them. Are they a child or a teenager? Male or female? I think by giving this piece more characterisation you could really improve it, as it would give more sense of the devastation, and make the reader feel sad, as they were attatched to that particular character. You're very good at description, I think it's just a case of combining the two.
I hope this helps!
Sophie :D
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Mon May 17, 2010 5:15 pm
canislupis says...



I agree with others before me--the point of "flash fiction" is to give your readers a snapshot image of something, usually trying to be very descriptive. Usually people describe one scene instead of a longer story.

Actually, if I were you, I'd scrap the flash fiction part and decide to make this a longer story-and pick something else to make more flash-fictiony.

That said, what I would change: Characterization (now that you have more room, give your MC a voice, history, life) and description (there really wasn't all that much of it).

So, I hope this helps a litte.

If you ever need a review or anything, PM me!

See you around,

Lupis
  





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Sun Aug 15, 2010 6:25 am
rickriley5390 says...



The is a good story. I want to read more of it though. I would like to know the character motivation and the setting in more detail. I also would like to see more conflict. Beside that, good work.
  








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