Young Writers Society

This is a short story I wrote for english class over a girl in the Halocaust. Please tell me what you think!
...
I closed my eyes, trying to remember spring. Fresh clean breezes come to mind, along with with small wildflowers bringing spurts of color to the lush green grass. My mother would run side by side with my brother through the fields of color. She would fall to the ground, laughing as Bill would beat her to the edge of the wildflowers. Father and I would sit on the picnic blanket, nibbling on ham sandwiches. The sun would set over the horizon of trees, lighting up the sky like a painting. Blues, pinks, oranges would swirl around the clouds, hitching rides on the wind.
A door slam brought me out of my daydream. Anna walked through the door, brown paper bags in her hand. "Krystall?" Her voice rang through the empty room, bounching off the walls.
I sighed, "Krystall's gone. She's destroyed and broken. My old life is non-existant now. Mother, Father, Bill... All gone. My old self went with them. I'm Eva now. I don't have anyone."
Anna sat the bags down in the corner, "You have me, Krys- Eva. You have your life. That's what's important."
I turned to face her, "But what about the rest of the people who've lost theirs? What about my family's lifes? Mother? Father? Bill? Their lives were important too. They were the people that deserved to live. I wasn't lucky to not be home when the Nazis came. When they killed my family. You call that luck to be left all alone?"
Anne sighed. She leaned over into one of the bags and pulled out a small stuffed bunny. Slowly she walked over to me, handing me it. " I think this was yours."
My eyes gazed upon a old , torn bunny. Mr. Jumper was a bunny I had been given when I was two. I closed my eyes and handed her it back. "My old life is dead. I don't need any reminders."
Anna pursed her lips and grabbed the bunny back. " You can't live like this forever."
My eyes blinked opened as I said, "Watch me." Anna stepped back and looked out the window. "Anna, I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of never being to go outside, feel the wind in my hair. And on the rare occasions that I happen to be outside, I'm sheltered. I know that someone from my old life could recgonize me, but I'm confined. I don't cry anymore. I don't even feel anymore. I sit on this bed day and night, watching the tan walls for any chance of change. I used to wish that things could go back to normal. Have a mother and father and brother that loved me again. That were alive again. Do you know what it's like going home to ashes. The flames reached up to the roof, envolping the house like a hungry beast. And I just stood there, watching the flames burn. Watching my life burn. They got what they wanted. They took three more Jews out of this world. But did they have to take the three people that meant the most to me? I remember Mother's playful smile as she would walk down the street, me in her arms. Father's jokes were so silly that they could make anybody laugh. Bill was the best big brother a girl could ever had. And me? I used to have a voice. I used to had family and friends and happy life. But now? I'm lost."
Anna sighed, " Krystall..." I looked at her. "Eva." She corrected, "Honey, you are alive. That's what matters." I shrugged, setting my head on my pillow. Anna walked toward the door, stopping just before the handle. "Happy Seventh Birthday, Krys- Eva."
She walked out of the door, closing it behind her. Tears fell like rivlets from my eyes for the first time in three years. Seven? Isn't that supposed to a lucky number?

Hello ZebraSkittles! I'll be your reviewer for today! ( I absolutely love historical fiction!)

Nitpicks

I closed my eyes, trying to remember spring. Fresh clean breezes come to mind, along with with small wildflowers bringing spurts of color to the lush green grass

These two sentences changed tenses. Choose either present or past.

"Happy Seventh Birthday, Krys- Eva."

From what was said up above, in the rest of the story, she seems like she would be older than seven, maybe twelve at the minimum.

Awesome!

I closed my eyes, trying to remember spring. Fresh clean breezes come to mind, along with with small wildflowers bringing spurts of color to the lush green grass. My mother would run side by side with my brother through the fields of color. She would fall to the ground, laughing as Bill would beat her to the edge of the wildflowers. Father and I would sit on the picnic blanket, nibbling on ham sandwiches. The sun would set over the horizon of trees, lighting up the sky like a painting. Blues, pinks, oranges would swirl around the clouds, hitching rides on the wind.

This whole paragrpah, aside from the mistake I already pointed out, is amazing. I can see the picture in my mind, great, GREAT imagery here, and a great beginning.

Anne sighed. She leaned over into one of the bags and pulled out a small stuffed bunny. Slowly she walked over to me, handing me it. " I think this was yours."

My eyes gazed upon a old , torn bunny. Mr. Jumper was a bunny I had been given when I was two. I closed my eyes and handed her it back. "My old life is dead. I don't need any reminders."

Great here. The reminder of her old life, it really made me know about the MC's past, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes. Great

Overall

Overall, this was amazing. Tears are now coming from my eyes, the Holocaust always makes me cry, but I was thinking in my head, "A child, a child who had lost everything, absolutely everything." Thats when I lost it. Great job, great with the emotion, imagery, language, everything. I hope to see more of your work.

~Forest

This is a very nice glimpse of the past. It's a very vibrant story, and the imagery is very good. However, the characterization is strange here. Seven seems too young for your character (I'm confused whether to call her Krystall or Eva. I think I'll just stick with Eva.) and her words sound a tad too mature. Like the above reviewer said, maybe twelve is a better age, though from what your last lines are, it's going to mess up the flow of the story.

But aside from that, and a few typos here and there, this is a very good story. You really showed us how much Eva loves the outside, and how pained she is without her family. It's very pleasant to see how easily you make her voice stand out. Great work!

Hello there!

ZebraSkittles wrote:I used to had have, I think you mean family and friends and happy life. But now? I'm lost.

Anyway, I have to agree with the people above me. Eva/ Krystall sounds older than what you've described here, fifteen or sixteen, maybe. Not like a child. Maybe, the fact that she wants to be called Eva is childish, but the way she speaks, and the vocabulary she uses, and the thoughts she has make her seem way older than seven. A seven year old would have a very simple vocabulary.
Other than that, I found it a good story, it was probably the way a lot of people felt back then, when they lost their family. So, good job =)