Young Writers Society

Editing!

Hi!

I really liked this story. You were telling it in a "proper" voice which added to the effect. Great job!
The only thing I was wondering about was why Frederick changed his mind about getting married. Was it just because his father wanted him to or did he have feelings for Amelia? Why does he always do what his parents tell him to do? Maybe you could give a little background on that.

Again, I think you did a great job. Keep writing!
~Earthfire

Yeah yeah yeah, Frederick's sketchy and bland >< I really need to something with that, I do. Thanks for reading

Hullo there darling! I'm back for seconds

Now, I did look out for typing errors because there were a handful and I felt I should let you know about them. It'd only polite, yes?

on the verge of saying something then clamping it shut.

I feel "clamped" works better here.

Mr. Worthington sneezed and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

mot not wallow about

He sneezed again

So, I was going to say, "I don't remember him sneezing in the first place!" but then I saw I gathered the quote where he did sneeze in the first place! ^^; but still, my point stands. I couldn't remember it happening after it happened. Not sure how to fix that.

her own nose halving the sky

I can't understand this?

a bald stop spot on the top of your head

--

So I didn't like this part as much as the previous because a lot of the humor was gone and I was confused for a long time. I understood he was sent out of the country, all that. Why would he have to change his faith? I feel like that wouldn't be something they'd want. And why did his mother want this but his father wanted him to marry desperately? And when you said "it was with no small sense of terror that he strolled into the local den of inequity at his father's request." I thought they were walking into a bar.

I feel you should preface, in some way, the whole seen with they were going to so and so's because his father required him to marry now, and no was not an acceptable answer something to give us an idea of what on earth is going on in the scene, because it only makes sense towards the end. Also, I suggest you use his name in the first paragraph because (since they are split on this site) it would make more sense that way, and maybe even if the parts were together.

Also the idea of time is confusing. Three weeks ago she would have said no. And he ran away. How long was he away for? Three weeks? Because I didn't follow the way you put time into it. And in the previous part I had understood that no one was marrying her and no one would, and the whole household fell apart, and it was going no where. Starting this, I thought perhaps, he was going in a different direction and Amelia wouldn't come back. So Amelia came in so they would marry?

I also feel rather silly about a balding man following the order of his mother, avoiding her in a bush, and so forth. That would make sense for a young man, but in that era, I feel like a man so aged as to be balding wouldn't be going to parties with his mother, generally speaking, and wouldn't have to worry too much about his mother forcing him out of the country. Up until that comment I had assumed he was a young man. There were marriages between young and old, but there were also marriages between those perhaps with an age distance of five, or ten years. Which, I supposed for me, because Amelia is probably 17 or 19, not such an age gap that would involve balding unless he was easily disposed to it.

Sorry for the rant on a balding man. ^^;

That's probably all I can really comment on. I was confused and I couldn't understand why everything happened as it did. ^^ Maybe some things should be reworked? Oh, and if you can add any level of humor in this section like there was in the last, I think you'd do the better for it.

Ha guess I might have gone a bit overboard with Fred. Was thinking along the age lines, and originally he was that, but then that bald spot came up and it over-rode the first, and that's how it stayed. Will prolly change that, it's awful how it is, yes.

As to the marriage... Hmm. Well, basically, I was kinda trying to put it into a Regency-era, Victorian-what-not (big, biiig circle around those times, nothing specific), where marriage was basically the only route for a girl, and if something like being caught in the rosebushes (anything, really, whatever,m that was a bit fantastic maybe), well, if her reputation (all those silly rules, like, having to have an escort (a girl), always, having to have a companion... those things). Ah that's a messy sentence, I'll start a new one.

The premise was those rules, kind of. That if she went down (reputation wise, and so the party so the people, so the marriage), the only thing that could save her would be that marriage. Fred was off an away (yeah the father-mother was a bit forced, yes yes ehh). Prolly not too accurate if the engagement comes a bit later (in this case a muddled up amount of time, that'll be fixed).

Amelia was... Amelia. Sat and waited around. Hmm. Always thought that ending was rather weak (from that transition thingy, the then-now). So I'll build around that a bit more. Put Amelia;s POV a bit more forward. Mmm it's terribly clear I didn't spent that much time on this part, isn't it?

Alrightm, it's not good if I have to explain Amelia's motivations - I was taking them for granted a bit. But! but I'll be buidling around that definitely.


As I said in the previous part, I distinctly feel I am under-thanking you - so much time and so much effort this must have took, but it's helping me so much, and that's outwaying the occasional twinge of guilt


Thanks!